Authors: Chris Dolley
Tags: #possession, #humor, #diets, #exorcist, #paranormal, #diet, #health, #demons, #spoof, #ghosts
Copyright Â© 2013 Chris Dolley
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Published by Book View CafÃ©
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book in any form.
This is a work of art ... and fiction. All the characters, events, diets, demons, celebrities and spirits portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people â dead or alive â or incidents is purely coincidental.
Houston, We Got a Problem
The United States is the fattest nation on the planet. Kevin Jones, Twitter's most popular statistician with over two million followers, has calculated that, if current trends continue, the average American will weigh over ONE THOUSAND POUNDS by the year 2300! That's enough to make America sink by EIGHTEEN INCHES! Even worse, if enough Americans gather in one place â like Miami for Spring Break â it could cause the whole continent to tip over â sinking Florida and lifting Alaska THOUSANDS of feet into the air!
Move over global warming, the planet's BIGGEST threat is global fattening.
But What Can We Do, Brick?
We need to lose weight fast. I don't need to tell you that there are HUNDREDS of diets out there. But only one is guaranteed 110% effective, and that's the Possession Diet. It's fast. It works. It introduces you to new, healthier foods. And it's almost never fatal.
But how does it work?
In the coming chapters, I'm going to take you through a step-by-step explanation of everything you need to know about this amazing diet â from the science behind it to a list of specially designed recipes.
Let's start with the concept. We've all heard about possession. A person is possessed when a spirit or demon slips inside their head. But only recently have researchers realized that being possessed can help you lose weight AND improve your diet.
That sounds amazing, Brick, but, come on, how does it work?
1. You're Eating for Two
And those spirits have enormous appetites. It's been clinically proven that a spirit needs at least 1,500 calories a day to survive â some even more than that. That's 1,500 calories of YOUR daily intake being removed FOR FREE! That's the equivalent of THREE mature Venezuelan tapeworms!
2. Improve Your Diet
Spirits have cravings â they're only human (well, some of them are) â but the amazing thing about these cravings is that they are SLIMMING POSITIVE! That's right, spirits don't crave sugary foods, or fat, or chocolate, or deep-fried carbs. They crave HEALTHY foods like raw liver and bugs and those tiny dried-up foods you find in old attics and the better-stocked graveyards. And those cravings become YOUR cravings. It's like a magic diet pill that takes away your craving for BAD food and introduces you to the GOOD.
And, even better, it doesn't last. Once you've been exorcised, the new slimline you can return to enjoying your old favorite foods!
3. Astral Projection â The Safe Way to Exercise
Astral projection is a way of using your mind, or, in this case, your demon's mind, to create a second body. A second body that feeds off YOUR energy and burns YOUR calories. It's the safe way to exercise â remotely. You can be as vigorous as you like, WITHOUT straining your own muscles.
Isn't that GREAT? You can lie in bed and run a marathon AT THE SAME TIME. With NO physical pain, but ALL the gain.
4. Head Spinning â Turning Your Back on Food
Tests have shown that turning your head through 180Â° â one of the many new things a possessed person can do â slows down your food intake and helps you slim. If you have a severe eating compulsion and just can't stop, this is the trick for you.
Less invasive than a gastric band, and far safer than supergluing your teeth together! All you have to do is have a word with your spirit and they'll help you keep your head facing backwards. It'll slow down your food intake INSTANTLY as â well, you try it â it's not easy to eat with your arms having to bend behind your back. After you've pronged your nose several times with a fork, you'll slow right down or stop altogether!
5. Projectile Vomiting â the FAST Way to a Perfect Body
Clinical trials have proven that projectile vomiting is up to FOUR times more efficient than ordinary vomiting. You don't even have to run to the bathroom! With practice, and careful placement of your chair within thirty feet â and line of sight â of your bathroom, you can project your lunch from the comfort of your own armchair.
6. Cursing â Lose Weight and Learn an Old Language
Who'd have thought it? Cursing as a slimming aid? But it's true! Cursing has been shown to raise the heart rate, oxygenate the blood, AND burn calories. And when it comes to cursing, who does it better than a demon? They know curses that we can't even spell. And, even better, no one can be offended because no one knows ancient Sumerian these days!
7. Salt Free Diet
Possession isn't just good for losing weight, it's healthy too. Take salt, for example. We eat far too much salt these days and excess salt has been shown to cause STROKES, HEART ATTACKS, DANGEROUSLY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE and BAD BREATH. It's a smelly killer.
But spirits can't abide salt. It hurts them and makes them cranky. Which is GOOD for you as, when you're possessed, you'll hate salty foods too. One taste and â BLEH! â it'll be like sucking on a JALAPENO LEMON!
Who better to explain the science of possession than last year's runner-up on
America's Next Top Scientist
â Dave Lupin. Dave, as everyone now knows, is both one heck of a scientist and a pretty nifty ballroom dancer too. In his book,
The Quantum Soul
, Dave explains how all of us â humans, animals, aliens, and even demons â are a symbiosis of two beings â the physical being and the spiritual being. The spiritual â what we commonly call the soul â lives inside, and animates, our physical being.
He likens the physical being to a car, and the spiritual being to the driver. And possession is like carrying a passenger who shares the driving. And occasionally takes the car out for a spin without telling you. And maybe ties you up and stuffs you in the trunk.
Of course those are the BAD demons. The GOOD demons will give your engine a tune, wash and wax your paintwork and detail the inside.
But how does any of that help you lose weight? Even after a wash and tune up, the car isn't going to weigh much less.
The car analogy was but one dimension of a multi-dimensional answer. The body is a car, but, at the same time, it is also a giraffe.
Confused? I was, but I think this just shows Dave's genius â we, as laymen and women, simply cannot conceive what Dave is talking about. But he WAS runner-up on
America's Next Top Scientist
and danced the socks off that Nobel laureate in the dance floor challenge.
Back to the giraffe. Apparently it's not just a giraffe, it's a QUANTUM giraffe. That means, according to Dave, that sometimes it's not a giraffe.
Here's a transcript of a conversation I had with Dave on the subject:
“So, Dave, What EXACTLY is a quantum giraffe?”
“It's the kind of giraffe that if you put it in a box, you wouldn't know it was there.”
“It's a small giraffe?”
“No, Brick, it's a QUANTUM giraffe. Simply put, that means it's the kind of giraffe that exists in two states.”
“Like Texas and New Mexico?”
“No, Brick. How can I put this? It's alive but â at the same time â it might be dead, but no one knows â not even the giraffe â until someone opens the box.”
“So it's a kind of undead giraffe?”
“It's ALL kinds of giraffe and ... it's only ONE kind of giraffe. It's the kind of giraffe that has the potential to be anything â even an elephant â as long as no one's looking. But as soon as someone sees it, the quantum state collapses, and the giraffe must choose what it wants to be.”