Authors: Chris Dolley
Tags: #possession, #humor, #diets, #exorcist, #paranormal, #diet, #health, #demons, #spoof, #ghosts
“So, it's a magical giraffe?”
“In layman's terms, it's a PART TIME magical giraffe with the potential to be anything it wants, BUT ... once it chooses, that's it. It's no longer magical.”
“Right ... What has that to do with possession and slimming?”
“Everything. While you're possessed, your car exists in two states. One with you as driver, and one with your demon as driver. It's become a Quantum Car, which means it has the potential to be any damn car it wants. Even one of those little British two-seater sports cars.”
“Wait, I think I've got this. If you want a slim car, you choose the two-seater sports model, and the exorcist collapses the quantum state?”
“Almost. But, remember me saying that the car analogy was but one dimension of a multi-dimensional answer?”
“I certainly do, Dave.”
“Well, there's another dimension. The body's not only a car and an occasional giraffe. It's also a color too.”
“Wow ... Is that a cannabis plant on your windowsill, Dave?”
Do I understand all of Dave's theories? Of course not. But I do know about cars and giraffes, and just how hard it is to become runner-up on
America's Next Top Scientist
And the results from our clinical trials speak for themselves.
To prove the efficacy of the Possession Diet we commissioned a series of clinical trials at the world's leading laboratories.
The first trial was run by Stepford University â one of the leading research universities on the PLANET with over THREE MILLION likes on Facebook. That's more than Harvard and SIX times as many as Stanford.
Stepford ran a double blind trial â the most rigorous statistical test known to man as it can only be administered by visually impaired twins.
They found that people who used the Possession Diet lost on average TEN times as much weight as those using more traditional diets. And they lost it QUICKER. One woman lost so much weight they had difficulty finding her! She dropped TEN dress sizes in ONE day. Unfortunately, she also lost 51 inches in height, which is why we no longer recommend using the Shrinking Demons of Gharanja (pictured below).
Stepford ran a follow up trial six months later to assess the long-term effects. Were people managing to keep the weight off? Were they still alive?
Researchers found that people who took the Possession Diet were LESS likely to put that weight back on. Admittedly some had been institutionalized â minor mental problems concerning flashbacks and unusual cravings â but they weren't FAT! And most were expected to make a FULL recovery.
Stepford interviewed the more lucid of the institutionalized subjects and found that many were happy with their new selves, but had been committed by family members, or judges, who had a more traditional, some would say narrow, view of what ânormal' behavior was. What the patients saw as having their eyes opened to new possibilities and new ways of life, was often deemed by âsociety' as exhibitionism and, in one case, cannibalism.
Summing up, the Stepford researchers wrote âThis Possession Diet is WAY better than anything else out there. And it's ALMOST NEVER FATAL!'
The second series of trials were run by the television series,
Extreme Celebrity Weight Loss
, where extreme celebrities try out a new diet every week. The Possession Diet was tried out by former child star and gossip page regular, Chelsee Chambers. Chelsee is well known for her battles with weight, drugs and invisible friends who help her shoplift. She's been in and out of rehab since she was fired from âThe Waltons: The Next Generation' at the age of twelve. Some say she never recovered from losing her part as Joan-Boy Walton, the hermaphrodite lovechild of Billy-Bob Walton and Marina Godsey.
Chelsee was paired with the sex demon Necheshiron after a viewer vote. Viewers were given the choice of five demons to âjoin' with Chelsee. Necheshiron, the cloven footed, half dragon, half octopus sex god from the Sapatavi Dimension received 57% of the telephone votes. The fire-breathing demon with eight testicles helped Chelsee lose a massive TWENTY-FOUR pounds in ONE week â more than THREE TIMES the previous series record.
Chelsee confided to THREE MILLION viewers that she'd never had so much fun on a diet before. She'd had hot, smoking sex AND she'd learned how to swim and hunt krill.
Our third clinical trial was to test the efficacy of Projectile Vomiting as a slimming aid. Who better to test it against than Mikey âThe Gurgitator' Scarletti â the all-American Speed Eating Champion? This was the man who'd broken all the records for fast eating â devouring NINETY hotdogs in TEN minutes. He was pretty fast at getting rid of them too!
“As a competition eater,” said Mikey. “I have to know how to load and unload food fast. If I kept it all down, I'd be too fat to compete at the top level. I'd never fit through the door!”
Consequently the Green Room after a Speed Eating contest is NOT the place for the weak-stomached.
But could an ordinary person, even with the aid of a demon, take on a professional like The Gurgitator?
Yes, they could. In front of an invited audience of medical and speed eating professionals, we pitched Georgian housewife, Betsy Taylor â assisted by The Great Zog of Outer Colondia â against The Gurgitator.
Both competitors were allowed fifteen minutes to âprepare.' Mikey used his allotted time to load up with SEVENTY chilidogs. Betsy had a cup of tea and a beetle sandwich. The audience put on their protective clothing.
What happened next made YouTube history. Even though most of the broadcast is obscured after three minutes and fifty-seven seconds â that's the moment the last remaining camera lens was splatted â millions stayed watching just to hear the screams.
Betsy Taylor was declared the winner. The audience came second. The Gurgitator retired from competitive eating.
The final clinical trial was optioned to the Extreme Challenge network and appeared on their Man v Tapeworm series in the episode âPossession v Venezuelan Tape Worm.'
It was the highest rated episode of the series. The Venezuelan Tapeworm had proved itself to be the hungriest tapeworm on the planet and had regularly topped 500 on the studio's patented Giant Calorometer.
Giant Calorometer? What's a Giant Calorometer, Brick?
Well, for those of you who have never seen Man v Tapeworm â and, boy, are you missing some quality TV â here's a quick description:
The producers of Man v Tapeworm knew they had to find a way to calculate calorie consumption and, at the same time, make it entertaining. They wanted science and showmanship. And something big that the studio audience could understand.
They contacted Barnum College, Oxford who came up with the Giant Calorometer. It's fifteen feet tall and looks like a giant weighing machine. It has a pointer, a dial surrounded by a ring of colored lights, sound effects, and â should the machine reach a new high score â dry ice and fireworks!
That's the showmanship part. The science part is provided by really clever software that takes readings from various electrodes attached to, and probes inserted into, the human subject, and calculates how many calories are being burned AT THAT INSTANT. It's real-time calorie measurement, and it's so accurate it can measure micro-calories!
So, there you have it. A live studio audience, two Calorometers, two human subjects (with their internal assistants) going head to head, and only one winner â Amara Mahajan and the arch-demon Succorbenthrael, Satan's personal interior decorator.
Succorbenthrael burned so many of Amara's calories that the Calorometer couldn't keep up. The pointer spun round as far as it could, and never dropped back. The studio slowly filled with smoke from the fireworks and dry ice. The Venezuelan tapeworm never got a look in.
Later tests carried out at Barnum College with an enhanced Mega-Calorometer made an unexpected discovery. It had been thought that demons would burn calories at a near constant level, but they didn't. Researchers discovered that more calories were burned during periods of intense demon mental activity. Astral projection, for one, burned up calories PROPORTIONATE to the activity of the astrally projected body. Read the section
to learn more about astral exercising.
Spirits and demons are not all the same. They have strengths and weaknesses. Before selecting the right one for you, you need to work out what you need â from âa quiet, gradual reduction in weight,' to a âlop off 200lbs in three days and I don't care how!'
There's a demon, or spirit, to suit your every need.
A lot of people ask, âWhat's the difference between a spirit and a demon?' Well, the main difference is that spirits are dead. You can't, legally, be possessed by the soul of a person, or animal, or alien, that's still alive. It's the scientific equivalent of bigamy and even Mormons aren't allowed to do it.