Hitting the Right Note (21 page)

E
ven though she was tired when Simon left the night before, JJ found herself up and wide awake a few minutes after seven the following morning. Outside it was drizzling, the perfect weather for sleeping in. She turned over and burrowed deeper into the covers, but sleep wouldn't find her. With a sigh she gave up, reconciling herself to the fact that there would be no more sleeping that morning.

She stared up at the play of light on her ceiling and tried to remember the last time she had been awake in her own bed at seven a.m. How long had it been—weeks? Months, maybe? Since her music career had tripled its demands on her life, she had barely gotten a full night's rest. And when she did sleep, she often clung to those precious moments tightly, knowing that it might be a while before she had them again.

But there had been a time, recent enough for her to remember, when her early mornings were spent on her knees, or poring through the Word. It seemed like her life had become a lot more chaotic and confusing since the absence of seven a.m. appointments with her Father.

Pulling the covers aside, she slipped out of bed and into the padded slippers near the door. Then she headed to the living room and plopped down on the couch. Her sister's Bible lay open on the coffee table where JJ had seen it the night before. It was open to Luke 15. JJ glanced over the verses, remembering its contents as she did. This was the chapter of lost things. Lost sheep, lost coins, lost people. It was the same chapter the minister had preached from the last time she was in church—the first time she had met Cymmone.

“Okay, I get it,” JJ said out loud. She was losing herself. She had suspected it for a while now. It clawed at the edges of her mind every time she had a spare moment to wonder. She was like the lost sheep in verses four to ten: far away from the pack, lost, and very aware that she was lost. But as much as she tried, she couldn't seem to find her way back to where she was before.

“Good morning, early bird. Thought you would be asleep until 8:59.”

JJ craned her head to see her sister coming down the stairs.

“I think I would need more than a minute to get ready,” she said dryly.

“Okay, fine,” Sydney said, sinking onto the couch beside JJ. “But two hours?”

“What is this, an interrogation?” JJ asked, miffed.

“No, just miss my time with my baby sister,” Sydney said, throwing an arm around JJ and squeezing her until JJ squealed for mercy. They were both laughing when Sydney finally let go.

“Remember when we used to do this all the time?” Sydney asked, settling back onto the sofa.

“Do what?”

“Wake up early like this, talk, read that book on your lap that I suspect you haven't looked at in a long time.”

JJ looked down at the Bible then back up at Sydney. “Isn't it a bit early for you to be this judgmental?”

“You left your Bible here when you went on tour,” Sydney said. “The one that has all your marks and highlights in it.”

“Maybe I got a new one!”

“Did you?” Sydney challenged.

JJ sighed. “No.”

“I'm not judging you, JJ. Sorry if it felt that way.”

“No, it's not you,” JJ said. “It's me.
I'm
judging me. Feeling a little bit like a lost sheep.”

“You just got back,” Sydney said. “Give yourself some time.”

“I don't mean like that,” JJ said. “And not just today. For a while now. Even while I was on tour.” JJ let out a long breath. “It's like I've turned into someone else, and I can't find my way back to who I was before.”

“Hmmm.”

JJ looked across at Sydney. Her sister's eyes were closed and her head rested against the back of the sofa.

“That's it?” JJ asked. “No I-told-you-so?”

Sydney shook her head. “The way I figure, all of us are lost in some kind of way. You're the lost sheep, lost and knowing you're lost but not able to find your way back. Lissandra's like the lost coin, lost with absolutely no idea that she's not where she's supposed to be. And me, I guess I'm the prodigal son, still trying to find my way back home.”

JJ bit her lip. “I never thought about it like that, but I guess you're right.”

“The one thing we have in common, though, is that God is out to find all of us, whether or not we know we're lost and whether or not we can find our way back,” Sydney said. “He never stops looking for us; never stops trying to get us to let go of what we think is our security and come home; never stops watching the road, hoping for a glimpse of us somewhere in the distance.”

“When did you get so smart?” JJ asked.

“Right after I nearly ruined my life last year with the Sheree madness.”

They both fell into a comfortable silence.

“What's the deal with you and Simon?” Sydney asked.

JJ chuckled. “It took you long enough. I'm surprised that you waited almost a whole twelve hours to ask.”

“Well,” Sydney said, “after your little speech about being a grown woman, I didn't want you to feel like I was plowing through your business.”

“Sorry about that.”

“We already did the apology thing,” Sydney said. “We both said some harsh words, but that doesn't mean some of it wasn't true. Now back to Simon. What's going on there?”

“I don't know,” JJ said. “We're friends. I guess.”

Sydney turned to look at her sister with a frown. “Okay. What does
that
mean?”

“It means we talk a lot on the phone, but he doesn't want to kiss me.”

Sydney let out a laugh. “Explain, please!”

JJ covered her eyes. “I don't know. Last night at the car, there was a moment where I thought it was going to happen, and then . . .”

“And then what?” Sydney probed.

“And then he backed away from me like I had rabies or something.”

Sydney put an arm around her sister. “Awww, J, maybe he was feeling unsure of himself.”

JJ cocked an eyebrow. “Have you seen this man? Why would anyone as gorgeous as he is, as accomplished as he is, ever feel unsure of himself?”

“I don't know. That tends to happen when you have eyes for a celebrity singer who spends all day with handsome and powerful men like Deacon Hill,” Sydney said.

“First of all, I am not a celebrity singer, I am just the backup. Secondly, Simon knows nothing is going on between me and Deacon,” JJ argued.

“Yes, he might know that in his head, but he's still a man,” Sydney said. “And he has to feel sure that you are interested before he will risk rejection at that level.”

“You know what, maybe this is all for the best anyway,” JJ said. “Look at me. I'm a mess. I don't need to be messing with Simon and messing him up too. I feel so out of place most of the time, whereas he is so in place all the time.”

“Maybe that's why you're so drawn to him,” Sydney mused.

JJ sighed. “I've been thinking about that, the confidence he has in his faith, in who he is, in his purpose in life. He is so sure of himself, Syd, but not in an obnoxious kind of way. It's enviable. And if that's the reason I can't stop thinking about him, then maybe I shouldn't be with him. It wouldn't be fair for me to use him like that.”

“Why would you be using him?” Sydney asked, her surprise clear from her tone. “Maybe there are things that you could learn from him, and things that he could learn from you. After all, a couple should complement each other. That's the way God planned it.”

“Please,” JJ said. “There is nothing he could learn from me right now. I'm like the waffling palm to his sturdy oak.”

“Well, I'll let you in on a secret,” Sydney said. “Your waffling palm is built to stand the storm. It may sway from side to side, bending and almost touching the ground. But the roots will stay firm, and its flexible strength means that it can take the pressures without breaking. Why do you think the Bible says the righteous man will flourish like a palm tree?”

JJ bit her lip as she thought about her sister's words.

“I know you feel like you're struggling now, baby sister,” Sydney said, laying her head on JJ's shoulder. “But remember, we went through the tough times in our family together. Mom and Dad's divorce, their fighting, being caught in the middle, stepdads one and two. Of all us Isaacs kids, you've been the most resilient. You're our palm tree. You bend but you don't fall down. You always end up coming back up straight. I know this time will be no different. You'll find your way to where you're supposed to be.”

“Stop,” JJ said, sniffling. “It's too early for me to start crying.”

JJ was still thinking about her sister's words an hour later as she ran a wide-toothed comb through her wet hair. She still had half an hour before Simon would show up, but she was practically ready. When the doorbell rang, however, she ran downstairs.

“Is that him already?” Sydney called from her bedroom

“I don't know . . .”

JJ pulled opened the door. Her jaw hit the floor when she saw the visitor.

“Hey, JJ.”

“Rayshawn!”

T
he morning had become too exciting for her liking.

Instead of getting ready to meet Simon, JJ found herself standing on her front steps dealing with Rayshawn. She scowled. Boy, did he have a way of turning up at the worst times.

“What are you doing here?” JJ asked. She folded her arms and tried to appear unfazed by his presence. In gray denim pants and a Ralph Lauren polo, he looked surprisingly fresh and alert for eight thirty in the morning. A number of feelings bubbled to the surface as she looked at him. Annoyance, resentment, a little bit of anger, and an unwelcome stirring in her lower stomach that she refused to acknowledge.

“You're mad at me,” he began. “I get it—”

“Mad?” JJ asked, her eyebrows jumping to her hairline. “No, mad was two months ago when I didn't hear from you after I got signed with Deacon Hill. Mad was two weeks after that when I called you almost every day and I got no answer. Mad was a month ago when I was so sick I couldn't move and someone else had to come take care of me. Mad was before I saw you enjoying a lap dance from a stripper on the second page of the
Enquirer
. I was mad then. I am way past mad now.”

“Look, JJ, I'm sorry. I'm a jerk. I accept that,” he said, reaching out for her hands. “But there were reasons . . .”

“Reasons?” She pulled her hands out of his reach. “What reasons? What reason can explain why the stripper at some nasty club has seen you more recently than I have?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, JJ, I know how things look,” he said finally. “But I would never do anything to hurt you. That club thing . . . I didn't even plan it. I was there with my boy, he was friends with the owner, and before we knew what was happening, the strippers were there and someone was snapping a picture. I promise you nothing happened. And believe it or not, it was for you. Everything I do is about you, JJ.”

JJ let out a harsh laugh. “You have got to be kidding.”

He rubbed his hands over his face. “Babe, I'm serious. Why else would I be standing on your front steps at eight thirty in the morning? You know I hate mornings.”

“Maybe you were hoping for an early morning booty call,” JJ spat.

“Babe, no offense, but if that was all I wanted I would go somewhere else—”

“Unbelievable.” JJ turned around to shut the door in his face, but he grabbed her arm.

“Not because I don't want you,” he continued, “but because I respect you enough to know how important that is to you. I don't want you to feel pressured to be someone you're not. When you are with me, I want you to be sure of who you are.”

JJ stopped short. Was it just a coincidence that Rayshawn had brought up the very same thing she had just been talking with Sydney about only moments earlier? It made her wonder, was she really herself when she was with Rayshawn? That was what she had told her sister. But was it really true? Musically, she was—mostly anyway. But that was just one part of her. What about the other parts? The sister, the daughter, the believer, the mentor. Could she be all of those things with Rayshawn, or did she feel like she had to hide some of those parts away when she was with him?

JJ stared at Rayshawn for a long moment. She saw the passion for life in his eyes. The same passion that had drawn her to him that night at Lost and Found, where she first met him.

“Why are you here, Rayshawn?” she asked. There was no sweetness in her tone, but the edge was gone also.

“I need to talk to you,” he said.

“Now is not a good time,” JJ said, more than a little glad that she was occupied. “I have plans later this morning.”

“It won't take long,” he said. “I promise.”

“Rayshawn, I'm expecting a friend to pick me up around nine.”

He took her hand. “This is important. I really need to talk to you. It's about your future. Our future.”

JJ watched him, wondering where all the feelings she had thought she had for him had gone. Right now she felt nothing. She pulled her hands out of his grasp.

“Wow, you're really mad at me this time,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Is this like, pick-the-movie-for-the-night mad?”

“You're gonna have to try harder than that,” JJ said, folding her arms.

“Pink-tulips-and-chocolate-almonds mad?”

“Keep going.”

“Takeout-from-Banjara's-including-mango-lassi-plus-a-foot-massage mad?”

JJ snorted. “The ice is cracking.”

Rayshawn rubbed a hand across his chin thoughtfully. “Babe, I don't know. We're climbing really high up on the apology scale here.”

JJ looked over at him for a long moment. “Isn't it kinda sad, though, that we have such a well-developed scale? We haven't even been going out a year yet.”

Rayshawn frowned and shot a glance at her. “What are you saying?”

JJ sighed. They did need to talk. Their relationship was about to undergo another serious transition.

“You're right, Rayshawn,” she said, taking a deep breath. “We do need to talk. But I can't now. Can you maybe call me later?”

Rayshawn searched her eyes. “JJ . . .”

JJ heard a car pull up at the end of the driveway around the time she heard the front door open. She glanced back as her sister came to the front door. She needed to get Rayshawn out of here.

“Rayshawn, please,” she said, touching his arm. “Later, okay?”

He sighed and nodded. “Okay, later.”

Then before she could react, he leaned in and kissed her. JJ jerked away but it was too late. She turned around and there was Simon coming up the driveway. Sydney's eyes widened as she looked back and forth between JJ and Simon. But Simon was unreadable. His thick eyebrows were furrowed and his locks pulled back from his face as he stared at her, then Rayshawn, then her again.

“Who's that?” Rayshawn asked, slipping a hand around JJ's waist. “Your sister's boyfriend?”

JJ opened and closed her mouth, not quite sure how to answer the question. Who was Simon to her? He had graduated from the title of her sister-in-law's doctor. To some extent he had even moved beyond being just Elevator Guy. But what he was to her now, she still wasn't sure.

Turns out, she didn't need to be sure. Not right then anyway.

“I'm Simon.” He stepped forward and stretched his hand out. “And you are?”

“Rayshawn.”

The men shook hands only inches away from where JJ stood, hoping that the ground would open and swallow her.

“Nice to meet you,” Simon said.

Rayshawn nodded. “Likewise.”

“Anyway, looks like it's not such a good time. I'm gonna head out,” Simon said, fishing his keys out of his pocket. “Sydney, Judith.”

He nodded at Sydney but barely glanced at JJ before heading over to his Jeep. JJ looked over at Sydney, who was shooting daggers at her with her eyes and jerking her head indiscreetly toward Simon when she was sure only JJ was looking.

“Wait,” JJ said, stepping out of Rayshawn's grip and heading toward the Jeep. “I'm still coming.”

“Whoa,” Rayshawn said, reaching for her again. “Still coming where? Where you going with him?”

“I told you I had an appointment this morning,” JJ said, pulling free of his hold.

His fingers grasped at her forearm once more. “JJ!”

“Rayshawn, stop.” She yanked away again, glaring at him. “I can't do this with you now. I have to go.”

She hurried down the walkway and across the street to where Simon was standing at the door to the Jeep, watching the scene unfold. His brows had now formed a single unit and his hand tightened in a fist around his keys.

Rayshawn's eyes grew dark. “Is this what you wanted to talk to me about? Your friend here?” His hands clenched as he stormed across the street. “Why wait? Let's talk about it now.”

Before JJ could respond, she found herself looking at Simon's back. He had stepped between her and Rayshawn and she could barely see past him. He didn't say anything, but his presence was enough to stop Rayshawn in his tracks. The men squared off with each other for a moment. Then Rayshawn swore under his breath and stormed back to his car. JJ, Simon, and Sydney watched as Rayshawn got in, slammed the door shut, and then peeled off, tires screeching, away from her home. JJ knew Rayshawn had a temper. She'd seen hints of it a few times. But this was the first time she had ever felt afraid of him.

Simon turned around and reached for the driver's door of the Jeep. “You shouldn't be with that guy,” he said quietly without looking at her.

“I'm not,” JJ said, her eyes following him.

“Whatever you say.” He got into the vehicle and closed the door.

“I'm still coming,” JJ said.

Simon sighed and stared ahead through the windscreen. “I don't think that's such a good idea.”

“Are you saying I can't come?” JJ clarified.

“No, but—”

“Then I'm coming.”

Before he could say another word, JJ walked around to the passenger side, got in, and buckled her seat belt.

“We're already late,” JJ said when he hadn't moved. “Let's go.”

Simon shook his head. Then without saying a word, he started the engine and pulled the car out onto the road. As they drove away, JJ caught the smug smile on Sydney's face. She was glad her sister approved of her actions, because JJ had every intention of making sure there was no confusion in Simon's mind about how she felt. The next step toward doing that was providing an explanation for what just happened.

“Rayshawn is a guy I dated for a while,” JJ began once they hit the highway.

“You don't have to explain.”

“I know, but I want to,” JJ said. “So just hear me out.”

JJ watched a weary look settle on Simon's features. But he nodded, giving her the go-ahead to say what she needed to.

“Rayshawn was the one who opened the door to professional-level performing for me,” JJ said. “He found me singing in a little lounge downtown and offered me the chance to do more. He got me my first gig with Jayla Grey and then this one with Deacon Hill. It was a crazy time in my life, with lots of changes, many of which my family didn't adjust well to. For a time, Rayshawn felt like the only one supporting me, and with both of us spending so much time together, with everything being so intense, we started having feelings for each other.”

JJ glanced over at Simon, but his eyes were focused on the road and his face was blank. The only sign that he heard a word she said was the tension in his jaw, and his power grip on the steering wheel. She might as well get it all out while she could.

“For a while things seemed to be going fine. But then . . .” JJ shook her head. “Have you ever been in something that you know is wrong, but you spend all your energy trying to prove to others that it's right, and you almost convince yourself that it is?”

Simon rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “Yes.”

“Well, it was like that. And once I went on tour, it kind of all fell apart. I saw who the real Rayshawn was and realized he wasn't someone I could be with,” JJ said.

JJ raked her hands through her hair. “I think I decided weeks ago that it was over, but it was easier to ignore it while I was on tour and we never saw or even spoke to each other. Plus it's complicated. He's still my manager and I'm still under contract with him. Then he shows up this morning, and before I can say what I need to, you show up. And you saw what happened after that.”

She turned to Simon. “Believe me, there's nothing between me and Rayshawn. Nothing but business.”

He didn't say anything. Didn't look at her. Just kept his eyes on the road.

“Simon, come on, I just poured out my life to you. Say something. Anything. Tell me what you're thinking.”

He snorted. “You don't want to know what I'm thinking.”

“I do,” JJ said. “Even if you think it will hurt, tell me.”

He looked over at her for the first time since she had gotten into the car, and his eyes pierced her with the depth of their intensity.

“I think it's like you said at the airport in New York,” he said finally. “You're a bit lost. And I think you're still trying to figure out what you want and what you're willing to give up in order to have it. And until you make that decision, I don't think you can be really sure of anything.”

His words stung. But she had asked what he was thinking, and he certainly had told her. JJ sat back in her seat, not quite sure what to say. She knew she was drifting. Only hours earlier she had said as much to Sydney. But she thought she had made a decision when she stepped back from Rayshawn. Except she hadn't really stepped back from Rayshawn, she had just kind of let things happen without dealing with it. Furthermore, could she really have a business relationship with Rayshawn and keep it just business, after everything they had been through?

She sighed loudly.

Simon glanced over at her and grimaced. “You sure you still want to go to the reserve today?”

JJ nodded. She might as well. Thinking about her own life was exhausting. What better way to take a break than to focus on someone else's? Working on the reserve was exactly what she needed; that is, if she could survive this new, silent Simon. Since he had given his assessment of her, he had barely said a word. JJ checked the time. If this trip was like the last, they had at least an hour and a half before they got to the airstrip. She let out another sigh. It was going to be a long drive.