“No, no…that’s fine… We’ll just—” Carter started.
“You were getting
married
?” the shorter girl demanded. “And Gavin showed up to
stop
it?”
Allie lifted a shoulder. She didn’t have much to add to that. “Yep.”
“
Why
?”
Allie frowned. Why? What kind of question was that? And what was with the disbelieving tone of voice?
“Because he didn’t want me to marry someone else.”
The younger girl’s eyes widened and she looked Allie up and down again.
Hey.
“I’m so glad you’re feeling better, Allie,” Carter said, taking each of the women by an elbow and trying to turn them toward the stairs. “I’ll be back to check on you later. Be sure to take all of the antibiotics.”
“You just left your wedding?” The girl shrugged Carter’s hand off. “And came here from
Massachusetts
? In the middle of the night?”
Allie put both hands on her hips and pulled herself up tall, aware that it drew the hem of the T-shirt higher on her legs. But she didn’t care. Her legs were one of her best features. “Yeah.”
“And now you plan to spend all your time in bed?”
There was something about this woman that rubbed Allie the wrong way. Possibly the way she pointed out the things about this situation that sounded really stupid out loud. “Now that I’m feeling better,” Allie said, chin up. “I’m planning to talk Gavin into exactly that.”
The girl’s eyes narrowed and Allie resisted sticking her tongue out.
She wasn’t saying it to mark her territory. Okay, she wasn’t saying it
just
to mark her territory. She’d been sleeping next to Gavin for two nights now, right up against him. She hadn’t let herself turn in to him, run her hands all over him, put her mouth in all the places she’d been fantasizing about, because if she was feeling good enough for that he might make her get out of bed during the day. She wasn’t ready for that. So she’d feigned sleep.
Now, though, looking at the three people in front of her, she was pretty sure her cover was blown. Gavin was going to know that she was out of bed, sounding quite coherent and sassy. Bitchy even.
She might as well plan to make the most of being awake and well.
“Now we’re going,” Carter said, finally successful in moving the women several steps toward the stairs. “Gavin’s out on a call. He should be back in a couple of hours. If you need anything, Lydia would be happy to help you.”
Ah, Lydia was the younger girl. She glared at Carter for his comment and Allie decided she wasn’t going to need anything from any of them.
She was quite used to taking care of herself and everyone else.
“No problem. I’m just going to jump in the shower so I’m ready when Gavin gets back.” She let the issue of what exactly she would be ready for just hang in the air between them.
“Great, great,” Carter said, nudging the two women down the stairs in front of him. “I’ll let him know.”
She was sure he would. Now Allie was going to have to face Gavin fully sober and awake.
Allie finished her shower, singing loudly as she quickly washed and shampooed so as not to think about how she was in Gavin’s shower, using Gavin’s shampoo and Gavin’s soap. She grabbed a towel, not thinking about how it was Gavin’s towel, and was in the midst of wrapping her hair up when she finally made a mistake in her avoidance routine.
She looked out the window.
It was an understatement to say that the landscape outside Gavin’s bathroom window was a lot different from the view she was used to. Even from inside the bathroom, the sheer awesomeness of the land outside hit her. It was so raw, so rugged. Everything was huge and rough and it seemed to go on forever.
Allie clutched her towel tightly and swallowed hard as reality—which she’d successfully kept out of her consciousness for the past two days—crashed into her.
Usually she was an expert at keeping reality under control. She let measured amounts in and only to a certain level of awareness. The deep, emotional part of her brain she’d kept nicely numb ever since her mother’s cancer diagnosis. She wasn’t about to start using it now.
But a little truth slipped past and landed square in the middle of her mind.
She was in Alaska.
She
was in Alaska. She was in
Alaska
.
Being unconscious was really preferable to the way her head started spinning.
Allie grabbed for the countertop and plopped onto the toilet, sparing only a millisecond to be grateful the lid was down.
Oh god. She’d walked out of her wedding, she was here with Gavin, she was in
Alaska
.
What the hell had she done?
She’d left home. Left her dad and brothers. Left Josh.
Oh god.
She leaned forward, resting her forehead on her knees and rocking back and forth. Oh god. She was here with Gavin.
Just like he’d always wanted. Just like he’d insisted she needed to be.
She tried to work up some anger toward Gavin. He’d brought her here. He’d taken advantage of her pathetic, drunk, sick state to get her here.
But it didn’t stick. Not even for a second. Gavin hadn’t done this. She had. This was all her fault.
She wanted to go back to bed.
Instead though, and incredibly proud of herself for it, she forced herself up. She didn’t need to go to bed. She just needed to keep busy. Move. Work. Plan. Do. Anything to keep from
thinking
. She knew for a fact that it worked. It’s what she’d been doing for the past nineteen months.
Drying off quickly, Allie headed into the bedroom for her bag. She’d showered yesterday while Gavin was gone, but she hadn’t been too concerned about anything in her luggage. She’d used his soap, shampoo, deodorant and brush. Then she’d pulled on another T-shirt from his dresser and had gone back to bed.
Grabbing her bags, she threw them onto the bed and unzipped the first, looking for lotion, a ponytail holder and body spray. Digging didn’t help her find any of those, so she finally upended it, dumping the contents onto the bedspread.
Her phone was the first thing to catch her eye.
Ugh.
She’d tucked her wallet and phone into this bag so she was sure to have them when they threw everything into Josh’s car after the reception. The
wedding
reception. The wedding reception that they would have been leaving as husband and wife.
She stared at all the travel bottles. She’d truly been prepared for the honeymoon trip. When she packed, she’d had every intention of being Josh’s wife when she next needed those bottles.
God, Josh must hate her.
And his mother must hate her. Allie closed her eyes and turned to slump onto the edge of the bed.
Sophie.
She had to be beside herself. Her dream wedding—the only thing that had really made her smile in the past year—had turned into a fiasco because of Allie.
Was Josh watching her more carefully now? Greta was there, so that would help. But if Sophie slid into one of her depressions because of this, Allie would never forgive herself.
Allie felt a tear slip down her cheek.
They
were never going to forgive her. She’d ruined everything.
She swiped angrily at the tear. No. She was not going to cry. Not now. Not because of
this
. She didn’t get to cry about this. She could have controlled this, she could have prevented it, she could have gone through with the wedding and kept everyone happy. This was all her fault.
She thought about Gavin storming up the aisle at the church and scooping her up to carry her out the side door.
Okay, this was eighty-five percent her fault.
But if she didn’t cry about the things that were out of her control, then she certainly didn’t get to cry about the stuff she messed up.
She got off the bed and made herself get dressed, stoically ignoring her phone as she pulled on white cotton capri pants and a green sleeveless blouse. She had no idea if she was dressing appropriately for Alaska, but she didn’t have much choice. The clothes in her bag had been intended for the honeymoon.
Stubbornly, she shut down the thoughts of Josh and their wasted trip. She stuffed her phone back in her bag, tossed the bag back on the floor and took five steps toward the door—then stopped.
Dammit.
She hadn’t been more than a foot away from that phone since the morning her mother called her with the news that the biopsy was positive.
Since then, Allie had officially taken over her mom’s position on four different committees—two for school, where they’d taught together, and two for the city. She’d stepped in to push her youngest brother, Danny, toward a college major and to push her middle brother, Charlie, toward a job. All the while doing their laundry and cooking for them just like Lily had. Allie also had a list of things she needed to take care of for her dad and a ton of expectations from Josh and his family. They all needed her to be strong and decisive and
there
. They all needed her to replace Lily.
And, dammit, she had.
Not a wrinkle or a blip was noticed by anyone. Not a single ball Lily had been juggling got dropped. Not one of the many hats she wore fell off.
Because Allie was there.
Could she step away from the phone now?
Allie eyed the pillow where she’d spent the last two days. Maybe she could just crawl back in there and close her eyes again and this would all go away. Sleep was the only place where she could really escape.
She knew they needed her. What were they going to do without her? Was Charlie going to think to check on the bills and make sure the payments were going in on time? Was Danny going to get up for class without her there? Was her dad going to think to do laundry before he completely ran out of shirts? And would he remember to turn the iron off after he ironed the shirts? If he thought to iron at all?
Allie took a deep breath.
She had to stop. She was here, in Alaska, with Gavin. She couldn’t do a damned thing about Danny’s classes or her father’s shirts.
To deal with that she was either going to climb back into bed or find something else to keep her busy.
Being busy was all that kept her going. She felt like if she stopped for too long everything would pile up on top of her and she’d never be able to climb out, so she just kept working and doing, planning and organizing. Her to-do list was like a security blanket. As long as she had something more to do, then she never had time to really think. Or feel.
So she needed a to-do list here.
First thing, make herself presentable.
In the bathroom, she dried her hair and pulled the sides up on top of her head with a gold clip while thinking about talking Gavin into a tour of his place and the town. She’d never been to Alaska but she knew it was gorgeous. She wanted to see some glaciers. And whales.
As she applied light makeup, she thought about all of Gavin’s favorite foods and made a mental list of ingredients. She’d go through the kitchen before he got back to see what she had to work with and figure out if she could surprise him with dinner.
Feeling better now that she had a plan, Allie ventured out of the bedroom for the first time since arriving in Alaska. She ignored the butterflies in her stomach. That was stupid. Nothing bad was going to happen just because her phone was on a different floor, she had no email access and she was thousands of miles from home.
Or if it did, it wouldn’t be
because
she was away from her phone and email and was thousands of miles from home.
She groaned. That wasn’t really helping.
Then she stepped through the doorway into the rest of the house.
That
helped.
The house was amazing.
The bedroom was actually a loft above the main room of the house. She stepped out onto a landing that overlooked the living room. The room had twenty-foot ceilings and the wall facing Allie was made up of windows overlooking what had to be acres of wilderness with mountains in the distance. It was breathtaking, and for a moment she just stood and stared.
No wonder Gavin loved it here. Waking up to that every morning was not a bad way to start the day.
As she moved down the staircase, she took note of the furniture Gavin had picked: the packed bookshelves, the stone fireplace, the huge entertainment center. The browns and tans were warm and masculine, everything was big and solid, and it made her feel comfortable and safe. All just like Gavin.
She wished he was here. The thought hit her as she stepped off the bottom step and looked around. She was lost. Not just in this house but in general. She didn’t know her way to or around town—she couldn’t even remember the name of the town at the moment. She certainly couldn’t find it on a map.
She was standing in the middle of a place she couldn’t even find on a map.
Allie made herself breathe and grabbed the banister.
She really wished Gavin was here.
When he was with her, this made sense somehow. She wanted this, wanted him, and when he was in front of her, walking away from everything else she knew and loved didn’t seem crazy.