His Holiday Heart (14 page)

“Could you reach that box down for me?” Lucy was up on her tiptoes again, looking adorable wearing a red Christmas sweater with a huge yarn Christmas tree on it. She was wholesome and dear and Christmassy, everything he wanted to believe in, everything he wanted to trust.

“No problem.” He reached behind her to snag the box off the top shelf. Silken strands of her golden hair brushed against his jaw. He was so near to her he could feel his spirit long for hers like the night waited for morning.

Love, impossibly deep and infinitely committed, hammered through him like redemption. All he had to do was let down the walls around his heart, let the emotion sweep through him and fill his soul. There would be no more loneliness, no more long empty evenings and weekends.

If he let Lucy into his heart, he would be needed. He would be loved. He would have every dream he had ever wanted to dream.
Maybe.
Panic punched him with an adrenaline rush.

He stepped away and put the box in one of the carts.

“Great. Thanks.” She bent over the list, her hair tumbling over her shoulders. “Truck aisle, here we come.”

“I have some expertise in that field thanks to Tyler.”

“You are more Santa than Scrooge, Spence McKaslin.” When she gazed at him with approval like that, her affection was plain to see.

Affection, sure, but how much? What if she did come to love him? Then what? Panic kicked up a notch. He couldn’t see her loving him truly to the depths of the soul, to the ends of the earth and beyond life. Not him. He felt ready to break apart. It was too much strain on his cardiovascular system. His heart hurt in ways he could not measure.

“Lucy? Is that you?” A woman’s voice broke above the store’s noise.

He glanced over his shoulder at a middle-aged woman with round glasses and a friendly smile, who was heading directly toward them with a loaded-down cart.

Lucy glanced up from her list. “Carol, how good to see you again. How have you been?”

“Fine, dear. Busy, but fine.” The woman—Carol—wove around her cart to give Lucy a brief hug. That didn’t surprise him. Everyone loved Lucy. Even a grinch like him.

“Carol Roberts, this is Spence McKaslin.” Lucy sidled up to him as if she wasn’t afraid to introduce him to her friends at all. “Carol’s little girl was in the hospital this time last year. Bethany is still doing well?”

“Very well.” Carol’s bright smile left no doubt. “It’s good to meet you, Mr. McKaslin.”

“Good to meet you.” He nodded grimly, fearing the woman was wondering what he was doing with a ray of sunshine like Lucy.

“We’re shopping for Project Santa.” Lucy explained, gesturing to their carts.

“You have no idea how wonderful it was last Christmas. Between the generosity and the cheer, Santa Claus and your pastor, we found the strength and hope to get Bethany through cancer treatment.” Tears stood in the woman’s eyes. “I’ll keep you all in my prayers this Christmas so that other children will be as fortunate as my little girl.”

Spence took a step away from Lucy. He thought of the children he had met in the hospital. He prayed they would find happy resolutions, too. He saw Lucy in a different light as she gave Mrs. Roberts another hug and they made promises to get together for lunch after the new year.

She was loved by everyone. She might not talk about it or even realize it, but it was true. Not only did she make a difference with her volunteer work but she made lasting friendships as well. People, including his family, adored her, and why wouldn’t they? She was kind and loving and lovable.

He had driven everyone else away but his family, and he couldn’t even show them—the people he trusted most—love.

“It was nice to meet you, Mr. McKaslin.” Mrs. Roberts smiled and took off with her cart, having already said goodbye to Lucy.

“I have been meaning to call her.” Lucy checked the list. “It was divine intervention. A sign.”

Yes, that was what he was thinking, too. He did his best to manage what he hoped was something resembling a smile as he reversed the carts and navigated into the busy main aisle. He was distracted by the sinking sensation of his heart returning to its rightful place.

When he glanced over his shoulder, she was right behind him, looking full of joy and love and life. She made him love her; she made him need her. She made him want to dream. He, the man who did not believe in dreams, wanted to wish on the first star tonight and see his future with Lucy in it.

“Do you have a headache from all the noise?” she asked. “I do. Ava’s bakery is open tonight. When we’re done with all our shopping, I’m going to stop by and get something chocolate. Want to come with me?”

Her smile nearly suffocated him because he did not want to face the truth. He loved her, how he loved her with every bit of his heart and every piece of his soul. He did not want to think about the future beyond tonight. It was pointless.

“I could use some chocolate,” he said, when he should have been saying no.

He wasn’t strong enough to open up to her. He didn’t know how, so he stayed quiet. The truth remained like a cold chunk of ice in his heart—his miserly heart. Dorrie was right. Danielle was right. They were all right.

He wasn’t the man for Lucy, no matter how much he wanted to be. He didn’t have enough heart to give her the great love she deserved.

“H
i, Spence.” His cousin, Brianna, smiled up at him from behind the cash register in Ava’s shop. “This must be Lucy. Oh, it’s so nice to meet you. Ava’s talked a lot about you.”

He scowled. This had been the entire evening. The cashier at the toy store. A woman in the mall parking lot. The clerk stocking magazines at the mall bookstore. A little boy standing in line for the center court Santa Claus. Everyone adored her. They hugged her, told him how wonderful she was and all the nice things she had done—sat by a widow’s side during her son’s surgery, found a place to stay when every hotel in town was booked, brought a birthday cake in the shape of a princess castle.

Just more confirmation for his breaking heart.

“Brianna. You’re the person I need to talk to about cookies for the children’s ward.” Lucy flashed her sweet, dimpled smile.

It didn’t even have to be aimed at him for him to fall more deeply in love with her. He was one pathetic sap, he told himself. He needed to man up, put those walls up around his heart and go back to how he used to be—closed off and growly. He put on his best scowl.

“I might as well give you my order while I’m here. I was going to call you, but we are running out of days before Christmas.”

“It’s coming fast,” Brianna agreed with a bob of her head. She was young—still in college—and one of those positive types too. “Haven’t you gotten your Christmas shopping done, Spence?”

He scowled harder.

“He’s suffering from mall overstimulation,” Lucy explained as she looked through her disorganized purse and pulled out what he assumed was the bakery order and handed it over. “The toy store put him in the red zone, but the carolers at the mall nudged him over the edge.”

“How many times in a row do they have to sing ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’?” He wasn’t upset, but it was a good alibi, and he knew it would make Lucy laugh. He loved her laugh.

She didn’t disappoint him. “This coming from Santa Claus. Spence is going to dress up for the hospital kids. Isn’t that a kick?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Brianna seemed uncertain.

“I know. You think he would scare the kids, but they loved him.” She slipped her hand in his.

How he let it happen, he didn’t know. Suddenly her hand was a welcoming presence against his palm, and then suddenly, their fingers entwined, and her peace wrapped about him like hope he could not believe in.

What was happening to him? There was nothing and no one else in his world but her. She was beauty. Her golden hair was storm-tousled, and her creamy complexion was pink from the snow and—just perhaps—because of him. Her emerald eyes shone as if full of dreams. She made the edges of his hard heart weak.

She was a dreamer. He was a man who didn’t believe in dreams. A wise man would get out before he got hurt.

“I’ll have a fudge chocolate monster muffin.” He gave his order crisply, the way the old him would have done it. He kept his scowl in place and added the Eye.

“Good idea,” Lucy seconded. “I’ll have one, too. And two cups of peppermint tea to go.”

He meant to scowl even harder, but he didn’t think it worked. Lucy was unfazed, and Brianna rang up the total.

He hauled out his wallet and tossed a twenty on the counter. “Keep the change.”

“Thanks, Spence.” Brianna smiled.

He knew she was putting herself through college. A few extra bucks would help her out.

“You are marshmallow fluff, Spence McKaslin,” Lucy accused him the second they were out of the shop with bags in hand. “You gave her a ten-dollar tip.”

“I want to encourage her to stay working for Ava. If she doesn’t make enough money here, she may try to hit me up for a job.”

“A likely story.” She wasn’t fooled. She crunched through the snow to his truck. “I hadn’t realized there were more of you McKaslins in this town.”

“Sure. Brianna’s sister is one of Danielle’s new hires.” Spence opened her door.

He was such a gentleman in the little things and the big ones. He was such a good man. He made her dreams alive again. Standing close to him, she could see what it would be like to be his wife, to be tenderly and respectfully loved by him through every day of every year of her life to come.

Please, let him love me too, she prayed. Her hand found his, and he boosted her up; she felt airborne. She settled on the seat, but her spirit was still weightless.

She loved him so much that there was no way to measure it. For a moment, she thought she saw the same in his eyes. His free hand caressed the side of her face with a touch more gentle than she had ever known. He said nothing while he stood there, gazing at her.

Was it sadness she felt in the air between them? He pulled away before she could be sure. He tugged the seat belt free for her and then closed the door. She felt safe and snug watching him circle around the front of the truck. He looked good—too good. Her heart ached with secret love. Her spirit brightened when he flashed those dimples of his. Her soul felt bigger, lighter as he opened the door and settled behind the wheel.

“We lucked out. Look at that.” Spence nodded toward the windshield.

Brianna was turning over the sign hanging in the door. The flashing twinkle lights winked out. The Christmas tree in the corner went dark.

“Something tells me they would have stayed open a few more minutes for you.” She winked at him.

“True, but I didn’t want to make them stay open any longer. It’s starting to snow again.”

“It is.” Tiny, perfect flakes tumbled from a velvet black sky. She thought of how everything broken in her life was healing, how everything she thought lost was found. She was grateful to God and to Spence. The man beside her was scowling again, but nothing could chase the joy from her heart.

Like those perfect pure bits of snow, she could see her dreams taking shape: falling in love with Spence more every day, a small intimate wedding ceremony with family and close friends, a baby a few years after that. Tenderness nearly drowned her. She felt too full of happiness to breathe. Those impossible dreams of happily ever after, of true love and family were possible now because of Spence.

He leaned close and kissed her cheek. Sweet and gallant, she thought, but when he spoke, she wasn’t so sure.

“I’ll drop you off at your car.” He started the engine and checked his mirrors before he shifted into reverse. “It’s getting late.”

“It is.” It was after nine o’clock. And she still had work waiting for her at home. She didn’t regret all the time she spent shopping for the kids tonight or with Spence. Although the precious moments had already passed, they would remain forever as beloved memories. “I suppose you have to be to work early in the morning.”

“You know it. My boss is one of those workaholics.”

“Mine, too.” She laughed lightly. “I have a deadline at the end of the month, but I want to get the book out before I head off to Portland.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“Just a few days. I want to spend time with my family. We might not see eye to eye, but I love them.”

He was sure they loved her, too. “I’m sorry you’re distant from them.”

“Me, too, but you can’t change some people. Just like they can’t change me.”

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean.” He thought of Linda, who had done her best to be a good wife and mother. He believed that—she just wasn’t the giving type nor was she kind. The little boy he had once been would have wanted to change her leaving, to have made everything right so they could have somehow tried to find a way to be a happy family.

But the truth was, Linda’s leaving was the best thing that could have happened. It brought them Dorrie, a woman who did love them unconditionally. Dorrie was a mom who knew how to stay and love and be kind. “I’m never going to be an optimistic person.”

“That’s what I like about you, Spence. You might be a scrooge, but you’re a scrooge in a Santa suit.”

There was her optimism, trying to paint him in a better light. He pulled across the street and into the shopping center’s parking lot. The stores were going dark, and the parking lot was emptying out, kind of the way he felt. “I’m not what you think I am, Lucy.”

“Are you telling me you’re not a grinch anymore?”

“No, the spirit of the season didn’t change me.” He was going to disappoint her. It was only a matter of time. He may as well do it now. He pulled to a stop at the curb next to her apple-green, impractical car. The truth was tearing him apart. He felt raw from head to toe. “I see how you look at me.”

“You do?” Vulnerable, her wide eyes watched him, so intensely green a man could lose himself forever in those emerald depths.

“It’s how I feel about you, too. But Lucy—” He stopped, praying for the courage to do the right thing. “All I see is heartache for both of us.”

“How do you mean that?” Sadness pinched her lovely features, and he died a little inside.

Had she been doing that thing women did? Starting to dream, picturing the wedding, seeing her fairy-tale future? He hated that he had put this off. He hated that he could no longer avoid the simple truth, the truth she could see if she wasn’t a dreamer. “I can’t deny that I feel something for you, but I have to be honest. The last thing I want to do is h-hurt you.”

“I see.” It was too late. Hurt welled in her eyes and filled the air between them.

He steeled his chest, determined not to feel a thing. It was safer that way. Sensible. Smarter. “I am in love with you, but I can’t see you anymore.”

“What? You’re in l-love with me?” She blinked, her forehead scrunched with confusion. “And you don’t want to see me?”

“It’s for the best, believe me.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t believe in love.”

“But you just said—”

“I know.” He cut her off, not harsh, not gentle either. Pain lined his face. “I don’t believe in it for myself. It’s never worked out for me. I’m not the kind of man who is good with feelings. I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. I’ll disappoint you, Lucy. A woman like you can’t be happy with me.”

“What exactly does that mean? What kind of woman do you think I am?” All this time together, and he didn’t know? His words were hurting her, but this sliced her in two. “I know what you’re thinking. That I’m going to be the one to disappoint you.”

“No, never you, Lucy.” He bowed his head and closed his eyes for a second, either praying or gathering strength. “I have to admit I thought that at first. I thought you were like Linda, chasing after dreams of fame. But I know you now. I see everything about you. You love so much, you love even when there is no hope. You give freely of your time and your heart. You love everyone. You are like the sun at noon and I am like a moonless sky at midnight. I will make you unhappy.”

“I don’t understand.” Her dreams were slipping away. Gone was the happy life with Spence. Gone was the family, the wedding, the sweetness of finding true love, all popping like too-f balloons. She was left with the shards of them, needle-sharp.

“I can’t be the man you need, Lucy.” The pain clouding his eyes was real. He truly believed this. “Believe me, I want nothing more than to love you the way you deserve to be loved. With all a man’s heart and soul. With everything he has.”

That was how she wanted Spence to love her. It was her prayer now, even as she saw the truth. He would not love her like that. She had pushed him by taking him to the hospital. She had convinced herself that she had seen a deeper side to Spence McKaslin, but that wasn’t right at all. No, what she had seen was him doing his best in a situation, that was all. He had been trying, he really had, but it was not who he was down deep. She had been wrong.

Maybe that hurt the most. She drew in a gasp of air, trying not to let him know. Her spirit felt crushed, her soul nothing but fragments. Her heart without his love would never be the same.

“I can’t give you what I don’t have.” Spence sounded broken, too. “It’s killing me, because I want—” He rubbed the back of his neck, gazing off at the dark store sign in the window in front of them. “I want a life with you. But I’m not enough, Lucy. I don’t have a heart to give you.”

Tears scorched her eyes. She popped open the door, desperate for some fresh air. As the cold wind pummeled her and snowflakes beat against her coat sleeve, she saw that he was hurting, too. The shadows had returned to his eyes, darkening them, darkening him.

“Do you understand me, Lucy?” His bark was more plea. His grimace was entwined with defeat.

He was telling the truth. Shock battered her. Disappointment left nothing of her dreams but smoke and ashes. Her throat burned with unshed tears, but she was able to force out words. “You don’t want me.”

“No, that isn’t it at all.” Agony twisted across his handsome face. “You shouldn’t want me. I’m doing the right thing for both of us.”

“The right thing? How can you say that?” Snow needled her face; at least she was sure it was snow. “You aren’t even going to try, are you? You say you don’t have any heart, but that’s not true. I saw it, Spence. I know who you are down deep.”

“You’re wrong, Lucy. You can’t put me in a Santa suit and expect a miraculous change. I know that’s what this was about. You’ve been very straightforward about it. I have to give you credit for honesty. But the spirit of the season is not going to change me. You can’t change me.”

“No, only you can do that. You’re right.” Maybe she was seeing the very last bit of Spence McKaslin, the part he kept carefully concealed all this time—the bitter man who refused to accept love.

Anger rolled through her. He could just let true love slip away? A rare and blessed gift that only came around maybe once in a person’s life. That meant that it was nothing to him. That she was nothing to him.

“Fine. You win.” She slid to the ground. “I’m out of your life.”

“Lucy, you’re upset.”

“That’s not surprising, and you know it.” She drew her things to her. “You kissed me, Spence. You made me think—”
that you loved me.
Her voice threatened to break, so she didn’t say it. She couldn’t.

“Lucy, I’m doing the responsible thing here. You will see that in time. I don’t want to mislead you.”