Her Heart's Secret Wish (5 page)

Natasha paced around their living room in her pajamas, holding her cell to her ear in a tight grip, imagining it was her roommate’s throat. “Uh, Merry Christmas. By the way, I deleted it.”

“No, why? I put it there so others can congratulate you, too.”

“I don’t want any congratulations.” She sat on the arm of the couch and stared through the window at the falling snow.

“Hmm, I know that tone. What happened?”

“Nothing,” she lied. “How is Christmas going? Many gifts?”

“It’s going fine. Yes, I got lots of gifts. But you’re not changing subject yet, missy. Tell me.”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.” Even she could hear the tall tale within her voice.

After Jason left, she’d stood in the hallway for a long, long time, unable to move. When she finally did, she went up to her apartment, threw herself on her bed, and cried until sleep took hold of her.

Damn, she didn’t understand what happened. He’d seemed so into her, so hungry for her, so lost in his desire for her. Then, suddenly, he’d woken up from a daze and fled.

It seemed as though he had unwillingly let his lust control his body and, when something had burst through his senses—like the student coming into the building—he’d regained his sanity and left, ashamed of his actions, ashamed of having kissed and touched her.

Unable to hold everything in any longer, she squeezed her eyes closed and told her roommate what had happened the previous night.

“You have to tell him,” Fallon said.

“Tell him what?”

“That you haven’t slept with anyone for the last seven months because of him.”

A steel ball dropped into her stomach. When she recovered her voice, she asked, “H-how do you know that?”

Fallon snorted. “I’m not stupid, and I’m your roommate. I know when you get home early or late, or when there’s a guy in your room or not.”

And she thought her roomie hadn’t paid attention to any of her affairs.

“You have to tell him, and not just the sex part, but everything. About you and your past and your fears. I’m sorry to break this to you, but you’re in love with him. You’ve been in love with him for quite some time, and he needs to know.”

“He’s older,” she muttered.

“You’re twenty-one today. The difference will seem smaller from now on,” Fallon countered, ready for battle. “Next.”

“He’s a professor,
my
professor. I even have an illustration class with him next semester.”

“And I’m sure you signed up for it to spend more time with him.” Her roommate chuckled. “Then you two should hide it. Come on, won’t you be able to hide it for the next year and a half until you graduate?”

Could she hide it? Yes. Did she want to hide it? No. Though he would want to. Not only for his career but also for himself, for his reputation. Being beside her would taint all aspects of his life, especially his academic career. She didn’t want to do that to him.

“He deserves someone better,” she said.

“There’s no one better than you, Nat. You’re my best friend,
the
best friend. You’re gorgeous and hot. And when you drop the player act, you’re charming and caring and honest.”

Heat took over her cheeks. “But he doesn’t like me.”

“You don’t know that. Remember last night?”

Her mind flooded with the memory of his powerful hold on her, his hungry lips, his greedy hands, his charged breathing. All too good to be true. So good, it had crumbled to dust under her hands. “I’m trying not to.”

“How did it feel being with him?”

She halted mid-step. It had been glorious and painful at the same time. “Okay, this isn’t helping.”

“See, you miss him. And I bet he misses you, too. You have to set things right. Talk and explain.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Because it is.”

Snickering, Natasha leaned against the wall. “I bet if you were in my situation, you wouldn’t think it’s easy.”

“No, I probably wouldn’t. But I’m not in your situation, am I? Anyway, you know I’m right. I’m always right.”

“Damn you.”

Fallon chuckled. “I love you, too. So, what do you plan to do?”

She sighed, feeling tired and hopeless. “I’m not sure.”

Chapter Six

Her nerves weren’t under her skin anymore. If Natasha squinted, she could see them running over her thick coat, sparkling as irregular as her breathing flying in all directions.

The heavy snowfall didn’t stop her. She trudged across campus to Jason’s building and back when she didn’t find him there, and all around the university, trying to locate him.

She walked for two hours, her hair wet and her boots sinking in the new, soft snow.

Damn it, where could he be
?

She halted in the middle of the square in front of the bookstore, a thought prodding her mind. What if he had left? What if he had been so disgusted by his actions, he’d decided to face his sister’s boyfriend instead?

She inhaled the cold air, hoping it would calm her rampant nerves.

It would be easy to find out. She pulled her cell phone from her coat pocket and stared at it. She could call and ask him where he was. Though, if he didn’t want to see or talk to her, he might simply lie. No, she needed to find him, speak to him face-to-face.

She shoved her phone back into her pocket and resumed her hunt. The campus wasn’t huge, and she was running out of places to search.

She visited the sports gym and courts on campus. She couldn’t imagine him in any of those places, but after having touched his taut abdomen and chest, he surely worked out to keep that hot physique.

A shiver ran through her body—and it wasn’t from the chilly wind or the snow.

Damn, she couldn’t stop thinking about him and how well she fitted in his arms.

Hopelessness crept under her skin. It was time to stop her mad search and go back home. She would try to find him later, when it wasn’t snowing.

Or she could give in and call him.

She slipped her hand inside her coat pocket again and gripped her phone. Doubts invaded her thoughts once more. What if he didn’t answer? What if he didn’t
want
to answer?

She rounded a corner and halted. There he was, leaving a student apartment building—but not hers. And a young woman stood beside him. Natasha couldn’t see who she was.

The girl stayed at the door, and he gave her a quick hug.

Nausea assaulted her, and she turned away from the scene. She didn’t want to see it. Goddamn it. Had he and this lady hooked up last night? Was he just now leaving her apartment? No, she didn’t want to think about that either.

She marched toward her building on the other side of the square, praying he kept his back to her until she entered and locked herself inside her apartment.

“Natasha!” he shouted.

No such luck
. Her heart rate sped up. Swallowing her injured pride, she put on her poker face, whirled on her heel, and faced him.

“Hi.” Her voice sounded pathetic, the same way she felt.

“Hi. I’m glad I found you.” Jason stopped a few feet from her and raked a hand through his tousled strands.

Her fingers twitched, wanting to be the ones running through his locks. Damn, he was so, so handsome. His pale skin contrasted with his cold-reddened cheeks and black hair, and his blue eyes resembled two spring pools in the midst of the snow. However, louder than her enchantment for him, her disappointment and anger called out to the player within her. Time to sharpen her claws.

“Really? Because you seemed to be having a good time right there.” She pointed over his shoulder, where the young woman had been a moment ago.

His brows knotted. “What do you mean?” He looked back. “Oh, Julie. No, I was just talking to her.”

She crossed her arms. “I suppose the nice guys do stay and talk afterward.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing,” she snapped.

The corner of his lip curled up, and he took a step closer. “You certainly don’t think I was
with
her, do you?”

What was that tone in his voice—amusement, delight? Fury filled her chest, and it became hard to breathe. “That’s none of my business.”

“We need to talk,” he said, his amusement gone.

“I don’t think so.” Her throat clogged with grief and annoyance. “What’s done is done, and I think it’s better if we stop pretending we’re friends, too.” She swallowed past the lump in her throat, and it felt like a stone had fallen into her stomach. Instead of dragging her down, it ignited her anger, boiling her insides. She would explode soon, and it wouldn’t be pretty. Better to leave while they were both in one piece, than to end something that hadn’t even started with a fight. “Just…go.”

Without wasting another second, she entered her building and headed toward the stairs. She rested her palm on the handrail, and a jolt prickled her skin, bringing images of the night before to her mind. It had been here, right
here
, where he had kissed and touched her, where he’d pinned her to the wall and moaned in her ear.

A pang spread through her heart, and she glanced back through the glass doors. He was still outside, standing in the same spot, his gaze on hers. She’d expected him to be gone already.

The pang in her heart intensified, and together with the ire steaming in her stomach, she marched back outside, into the splintering cold and falling snow, to a confused Jason. She had rehearsed an entire speech, and if she didn’t release her rage, she would break down—and this time, she wasn’t sure she could mend the pieces of herself back together. Not alone.

“You know what? I don’t care. You’re gonna hear me,” she yelled at him, then she paused, afraid she would forget the words she had repeated in her head all morning. This would only be easy if she blurt everything out without thinking too hard. “My mother died when I was six, and I was left without any relatives, none who could be located at least. I went into the foster-care system and passed through several houses. Not homes.
Houses
. Ninety percent of the time, I was treated like dirt. In one place, a man even hit me several times, and his wife said it was entirely my fault. How could I, at ten years old, be at fault? Of what? It took months for the social workers to move me, but eventually they did.” Her eyes filled with tears. She shuddered, still feeling the pain of the slaps and the punches against her face, even if their visible marks were long gone. Sometimes she doubted she would ever leave those days behind. “When I turned eighteen and left the system for good, I was happy and scared at the same time. I was able to get a scholarship here and a job at the bookstore. I felt so, so alone. I
always
felt alone. And, for quite some time, I believed the problem was me. Without realizing what I was doing, I started going to every party I was invited to. Hell, I went to parties even when I wasn’t invited. I did
anything
so I wouldn’t be alone. That’s how things started, you know. My reputation. I end—”

“Natasha, I’m—”

“No, let me finish it. I need to. I need you to hear this.”

He crossed his arms, his lips a thin line, his brows creased. “Okay.”

“I ended up sleeping with guys I barely knew, so I wouldn’t be alone in my apartment. I ignored the dirty feeling I was left with afterward. It was better than feeling alone again. At least, I thought so.” She wiped a tear away. “Then, I met Fallon. I pushed her away at first, of course, but she knew exactly which buttons to press and how to reach through the wall I had created around myself, as she likes to say.” She grinned, remembering her too-educated-but-stubborn best friend. “She understood me right away and, though she didn’t agree, didn’t judge my actions either. After my roommate entered my life, I didn’t feel so alone anymore, and the partying and the sleeping around happened less frequently. By then my reputation was already widely known, but it didn’t really bother me, so I didn’t do anything to change it. Until you came.” She wanted to step closer to him, to earn his understanding, but she remained glued to her spot, afraid of scaring him more. “I guess I wasn’t prepared to befriend a professor who likes gaming and is basically a nerd inside a hot body.” Despite herself, she smiled. “Neither was I prepared to like him. But I did, almost instantly. Like Fallon, it didn’t take long for him to find out how to climb the walls I’d erected around myself. And since a night at the library where I talked to him for over five hours I figured out what was happening. We sat on the floor, very close to each other, you see. I was very aware of him, of his body, of his breathing, of his mouth. Well, since that night seven months ago, I haven’t slept with any other guy, even when I felt so terribly alone I had to cry myself to sleep.” She wiped another tear from her cheek. “Being with other guys didn’t feel right. Not that it ever did. But now, every time a guy approaches me with an all-I-want-is-sex face, I long for someone else, not just for a time away from my loneliness. And—”

“Natasha,” he whispered, and she froze, his tone too severe. “Just stop talking.” In two wide strides, he closed the distance between them and covered her mouth with his. His hands snaked around her, pulling her close to him.

She took a sharp inhale, too shocked to move, but savored his sweet scent, letting it impregnate her senses. His soft, warm mouth moving against hers was too alluring, and she opened herself to him. Jason kissed her long and hard, and she matched every beat.

Moments later, in need of air, she pulled back, but his strong grip held her in place, her body against his, and he lowered his forehead to hers.

“I had no idea. I’m so sorry for everything you suffered,” he said, his voice low but steady.

“I didn’t want anyone to know.” She ran a hand over his hair like she had imagined doing earlier. “Well, I still don’t. But you’re not anyone.” Suddenly, she stiffened, and he loosened his grip. “Why did you leave last night? I’m guessing it was because of my reputation.”

He sighed. “I guess that was one of the reasons, probably the main one. I didn’t want to have just a one-night stand. Not with you. But there was more. There
is
more.” He caressed her cheek with his fingertips. “I’m your professor. The university can’t know I’m even looking at you in a romantic way. They will fire me and probably suspend you, or worse.”