Heavy Hearts (16 page)

Parked in the driveway was a very large old yellow Toyota Tacoma pick-up scattered with orange rust and mud. It roared to life as I approached the one blue passenger door sounding like a sick tractor. I climbed into the old truck and settled into the ripped gray leather bench seat next to Finn. The cab smelled like a hard day’s work with a hint of strawberry; I saw a dilapidated air freshener hanging from the rearview
mirror. He smiled at me but said nothing as he put the truck into gear and headed back down the long driveway out onto the main road.

The ride was bumpy. Partially because of the bad roads here in Cherry Valley and also because of the horrid state his truck was in. You could say it had a lot of… character.

“So, where are we going?” I asked. I wanted to bring up last night. Apologize for the misread kiss and question him about where he disappeared to at the stable. But I decided if he wanted to talk about it he would and for now I could just put the embarrassment behind me.

“You’ll see,” was the only response I got, followed by a smirk. He was enjoying watching me wiggle while I tried not to fly out of my seat as we swerved around pothole after pothole.

“Can we at least have some tunes?”

He responded by flipping the stereo on and pulling his iPod out of the glove compartment in front of me; his arm brushing against my thighs caused me to slightly melt. He handed me the device and said “pick something.”

I scrolled through the endless amount of music he had, recognizing some artists like Keith Urban, Metro Station, Bright Eyes, and some other top forty picks as well as some lesser known bands. I settled on some Kings of Leon and hit the shuffle button; Sex on Fire serenaded us through the blown speakers. “Good choice” Finn commented. I was mortified, but changing the song now would’ve been in poor taste. So I let it play and hoped he wouldn’t mention it again.

After
three more songs worth of silence between the two of us we finally arrived at our destination… I thought. Finn pulled the rickety truck into the driveway of a sad looking cemetery; full of overgrown weeds and crumbling headstones.

“Is this your idea of romance?” I said, almost choking on the word romance.

“Hmpf” Finn grunted. “I guess you could say that.”

Oh?

He parked the truck and turned it off, climbing out of the truck he came around to my side to help me out. He held out his hand for me to grab and I took it.

“You ready for this?” He
looked into my eyes and asked with the most sincere voice I’d heard dribble out of his mouth in the very short time we had known each other.

I nodded.

He climbed out of the truck and came around to my side to let me out.

“Okay then. I
want to introduce you to my Mom,” and we walked hand-in-hand down a beaten path.

“Hi mom.
This is Lucy.” He spoke to a hauntingly beautiful dark gray headstone that displayed a rather defeated looking angel draped over the smooth platform hiding her face in her arms and letting her hands hang limp off the front of the stone. Below her cold stone fingers there was an inscription that read:

“The angels couldn’t save her

Because they needed her in Heaven.

Tracy Haywood

Loving wife and mother

October 24, 1965-February 16, 2010”

Knowing that this poor boy had lost his mother less than four months ago would’ve been some lovely information to have had beforehand. Although how could I have known?

“Lucy, this is my mom… or what’s left of her anyways,” he painfully said – suppressing the urge to cry.

“Oh Finn” my eyes began to tear. “Finn I had no idea, I am so sorry.” What else do people say in these situations? Sorry felt too generic and sterile and I so desperately wished I could take it back. I was sorry for his great loss but I wished I had better words to console him with. When I met him yesterday out in the sunny light of day grooming my beloved pet I knew that there was something there; something that he was guarding. I never imagined it was the loss of his mother. My thoughts went to a painful break-up or possibly a rough school year, but this wasn’t something I was ready for. I couldn’t stop myself from crying despite all my attempts to stifle it. What right did I have to cry? I didn’t know her. I barely knew him.

“Lucy, it’s okay.
Really. It’s only been a few months since she left, but I was prepared for it long before she actually passed. Cancer. Stage four when they caught it. Pancreatic,” he explained. The unevenness in his voice disappeared as he gained his confidence back. He walked up to me until he couldn’t possibly get any closer without our teenage bodies pressing up against one another. His rough hand reached up to my face and he wiped away a tear that had fallen out of my right eye. “Hey, it’s okay really. I mean, it’s not okay she’s dead… but like I don’t want you to think any different of me.”

But how could I not?
Just a day before I thought he was a cocky bastard with a broken heart, and then I find out that he was just a scared little boy who lost his mother way too soon. I couldn’t seem to find any words in my fogged brain, so I just nodded.

“I brought you here to meet her, not to get your sympathy vote. I just wanted you to know that, although I have dealt with this, I can sometimes forget that it’s okay to get attached to another human being. I know that one day I will lose everyone I love, or I will be taken away from them, and I used to let that get to me and I would distance myself from anyone who tried to care. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I can’t let the inevitability of death scare me away from life, and that’s what happened last night, and I apologize for that.” Still holding my face in his hands he wiped away another tear with his thumb, smiled, and pressed his soft lips against my forehead. It had a calming effect and I began to relax in his arms.

“How am I supposed to follow up that heartfelt speech?” I asked, attempting to lighten the mood. He let out a deep sigh and pulled me toward him. Wrapping his sculpted arms around me he squeezed me tight, but I felt safe as he whispered in my ear “you don’t have to say anything, just don’t let me scare you away, please?”

It was a definite possibility that I was the first person he had shared any of this with on such an intimate level (later I found out that I was). I didn’t know for sure, and I was not going to ask, but the way he held me as if I was going to sprint off in the other direction made me feel like he needed me. And maybe I needed him. I could feel his soft silent sobs and I let him hug me until he was ready to let go.

“Do you think we can just sit here for a bit? It’s been a couple weeks since I just sat with her, and I think the two of you would’ve really hit it off” he finally pulled away to timidly ask.

“I would love nothing more right now.” I smiled up at him. I popped myself up onto my tippy toes so I could be the one to wipe away his tears now. A smile smeared across his face.

We settled down in the overgrown grass sitting with our backs up against a nearby mausoleum. We sat for a few hours and I was entertained with stories about his mom, the good and the bad. We exchanged more tears, hugs, and even laughs. He relived the day they found out she was sick, which just broke my heart in two, and I almost lost it.

“It was a little over a year ago now” he began taking a deep breath to steady his voice. “I was so excited when I got home that day because I had just passed my driver’s
ed exam and I had gotten my license. My parents were in the kitchen talking about it, but I was too focused on myself to care why my dad’s eyes were all red. I pushed and pushed them until they agreed to come out and get ice cream with me so I could drive them. Mom didn’t want to upset me, so we went. She didn’t tell me for another week. She said she wanted me to enjoy becoming a licensed driver and didn’t want to spoil my youth. Ten months later she died. I drove the first car in the procession to the funeral.”

We sat in silence.

I couldn’t tell you how much time passed before Finn pulled himself to his feet and offered out his hands to help me up as well. “Let’s go” he grunted.

“You sure you’re ready to go? We can stay as long as…”

“I said let’s go!” He cut me off. I didn’t understand the sudden bitterness, but I also didn’t want to question it. This wasn’t the most orthodox way to spend a day with a boy; I didn’t really know how to handle it all. I just quietly followed him back to the truck.

****

“So, what do you want to do with the rest of this glorious day?” He asked all chipper again. This boy had mood swings like a pregnant woman!

“
Uhm. I’m up for anything” I replied with a slight shoulder shrug.

“Hmm, anything eh?
Well, I know just the place for that skimpy little outfit you’re parading around in, and in a cemetery no less. You must have no shame woman!” I knew he was kidding, but his words pierced right through me like an arrow straight through my heart. He was right, and I was mortified!

“Well, maybe if you
had told me what was going on, I would have dressed more appropriate” I retorted.

“Don’t even worry about it. The way you dress isn’t going to be an issue where we’re going” he looked me up and down and licked his lips as if I was a melting vanilla ice cream cone he wanted to lap up.
Which I might not have minded.

“Well, are you going to fill me in?” I wondered.

“Nope” is all he said as he turned the key and the old truck boomed to life.

After a not-so-long and very silent ride (not even music) we pulled up to a locked gate with a rusty sign attached to it that read “No Trespassing”. I should’ve known he was going to make me do something illegal.

“We’re not seriously going in there are we?” I asked. I wasn’t a goody good or anything, but I’d rather not get arrested while I was on summer break.

“Yes, we are. Please don’t be a prude about it. I’m in here on a weekly basis and no one ever says a word.”

“Yeah… but…” I tried.

“No, but nothing… now follow me.”

He climbed out of the truck and despite my attempts to try and reason with him, he just ignored me and continued on. I had two options. I could sit in the car while he either went on with his plans without me, or got so fed up with me that he'd rush me back home. Or I could follow him and possibly have a fun night, or spend the night at the police station.

I decided to follow him.

He held the fence open as far as he could, which was more than enough room for me to squeeze through. All there was beyond the fence were woods. Trees and shrubs as far as the eye could see. I still was unsure why we were there exactly.

Finn squeezed through the fence right behind me and stood looking proud of
himself for getting me to follow him. He took a deep breath of the thick sticky air that smelled of wet moss. Bugs flew all around my head and I couldn’t help but be a girl about it as I swatted them away wincing at every touch. Finn laughed at my childish behavior.

“
C’Mon. Follow me” he grabbed my arm and dragged me deeper into the woods.

“You’re not dragging me in here to rape and kill me are you?” I asked, only half joking.

“Now why did you have to go and ruin the surprise?” He flashed a sinister smile. I knew I did not need to worry and that he was just messing with me… but still.

He must have felt my hesitation because he smiled and said “relax okay, we’re almost there. You’ll see.”

And he was right. After a few more steps we stepped out of the thick and into a small intimate clearing complete with a quaint little lake that even had a small waterfall. The water was enclosed by a parade of weeping willow trees that let their leaves swim in the water.  Tall grass and cattails hugged the rocks around the cascading water in the far corner of the pooling water.

“This place is beautiful!” I squealed as I knelt down to grab a handful of vibrant orange butterfly weed.

“Of course I would take a beautiful girl to the prettiest place in all of New York,” he whispered. I couldn’t be sure if he had meant for me to hear it or not, but I did.

“Thank you” I said.

“For what?” he asked.

“For everything.
Taking me to see your mom, bringing me here. Just… Thank you” I smiled; He smiled back.

“Well, don’t start thanking me yet. The sun may be setting, but the night is far from over” his smile turned into a devilish grin.

I settled down in the soft grass and fragrant flowers, but I guess sitting and enjoying the night wasn’t part of Finn's idea. He faced the water, his back turned to me, and began to strip.

First he tore off his shirt revealing a body meant for the silver screen. I know I was only s
eventeen years old and all, but I had never in all my life seen a body that perfect aside from in airbrushed magazine photos. I couldn’t help but stare, and possibly drool a little.

Without skipping a beat he proceeded to disrobe. Off with the shoes, the socks, and the jeans until he was standing there in a pair of dark green boxers with lighter green vertical stripes. I feared that those were next to go, but he continued to wear them as he walked down toward the water. I sat up as far as I could, but he had ducked behind a bush and I couldn’t see him anymore. My face was red hot and my pulse quickened. What the heck was I supposed to do?