Every cell in her body was on fire. A band of emotion wound taut around her heart, squeezing, squeezing, like a fist. The matching tightness between her hipbones and the tension in Sean’s body said they both were about to break open.
When the pressure gave way, both of them came within seconds of each other. The band around her heart released, and the absolute perfection of being wrapped in Sean’s arms filled Erin with the kind of contentedness she hadn’t felt since childhood.
He said he’d turn her inside out. That was exactly what he’d done.
* * * *
The sound of a phone ringing invaded Erin’s sleep. It took a moment for it to register as being real and not a part of her dreams or her phone’s old-fashioned ringtone. Sean stirred beside her, mumbling sleepy curses. The bedside clock read three a.m. when she managed to force her eyes open.
Erin sat up at the same time Sean made a blind grab for his phone, shoving her tangled hair out of her face. The reasons people called in the middle of the night were never good. The reason
Sean
might be getting a call in the middle of the night was terrifying.
She went cold with fear, the sudden surge of adrenaline making her muscles tense with alarm and her stomach queasy.
Sean barked “Yeah?” into the receiver, rising from the bed as spoke. Anxious, Erin readied herself to hide wherever he told her to, but in the background she heard a woman’s hysterical voice, so she knew it wasn’t one of his men outside warning him about an impending visitor. A different sort of fear shot through her veins, laced with a sickening dread.
“Livvie, calm down and tell me what happened,” he said as he walked out of the bedroom and flipped on the light in the hallway.
“Oh no,” Erin whispered, already knowing what Sean’s sister was trying to tell him. She scooped her robe off a chair and tugged it on, then followed him.
He was standing in the kitchen, his forehead pressed to the wall. She caught the end of him telling Olivia he’d be right there before he disconnected. When he looked her way, his face was pinched with pain, his jaw rigid, the look in his eyes turning suspicious.
Her hand instinctively moved to cover her heart, as if to shield it from what was coming.
She’d broken them. In keeping a promise to his father, she’d shattered her relationship with Sean.
His attention returned to his phone as he pressed numbers; then he lifted it to his ear. His voice was a barely controlled growl as his dark gaze swallowed her up again. “Luke, I need you inside Erin’s apartment now.”
Sean stopped glaring at her long enough to turn off the alarm and undo the locks. Erin pulled the front of her robe together, tying it snugly with the sash. Luke pushed through the door almost the second the hasp released.
“What is it?” Luke asked, breathing hard, his hair sticking up at wild angles all over his head.
“My father’s had a heart attack.”
“Oh shit, Sean.” When Luke touched Sean on the shoulder, he flinched. “Sure, yeah, go. I can handle this.”
In two steps Sean was towering over Erin, nostrils flaring, his body tensed with anger. “You knew, didn’t you? That’s what he was talking to you about at his party. You knew he was sick, and you didn’t tell me!”
Erin blinked against the sharp sting in her sinuses and nodded because her vocal chords were frozen. And what could she say anyway? He was right. His hurt and fury were justified. She deserved his wrath.
“Sean, you don’t need to do this, man,” Luke said.
“No, he has a right to be upset,” Erin managed to say.
“You’re damn right I do. You couldn’t stop being a fucking doctor for once and just tell me how sick my father was.”
Fucking doctor
struck Erin like a blow. The pressure in her chest was almost unbearable, the need to touch him excruciating. Her nails dug divots into her palms instead.
“I’m sorry. I should—”
“It’s too late now. He’s had a heart attack. He may not live through the night.”
Sean stalked past her toward the bedroom. Erin stood frozen in one spot, listening to him dress behind her. Luke looked uncomfortably lost for a moment before he ran his hands down his face and sighed, shaking his head at the floor.
There was nothing she could do or say to make this better. All Sean’s rage was merited.
She managed to find the couch and wilted into it, fighting tears that threatened like knives behind her eyelids.
Sean wouldn’t even look her way as he left. Luke followed him out onto the stoop, leaving the door cracked behind him, but they talked in murmurs, and only for a minute before he returned. She heard him secure the locks; then he walked into the living room where she sat very still and stared at nothing.
“Erin, look at me,” Luke said, switching on a lamp.
Erin swallowed, lifting her gaze to his face.
“He didn’t mean it, okay? I know Sean. He’s just hurt and lashing out at the closest thing. As soon as he sees that Tom is going to be all right, he’ll realize what a jerk he’s been and apologize.”
“But what if Tom’s not all right, Luke?” she asked. “What if he dies? He’ll hate me forever then, and he should. He had a right to know his dad was sick, and I should’ve told him. Fuck keeping a promise.” The tears let go, streaking down her cheeks in hot trails. She wiped them away and dropped her head to the back of the couch.
“He won’t hate you.”
Erin sighed, wishing Luke could be right, wishing the pain in her chest would go away.
There’d been times in the past where she’d questioned her decision to become a doctor, but just a handful of instances where she’d found herself wanting to turn her back on it altogether. Watching helplessly as a child died was one of those times. Telling a family there was nothing else that could be done for a loved one was another. You had to learn to live with the responsibility, accept it as a grim part of the job, even though it never got easier.
The first time she’d faced these horrors, Erin had lost a piece of her soul. For days afterward she became a zombie. Hid in closets until Tess yanked her out of them and forced her to talk, eat, breathe. Dreams turned to nightmares. Penance, she thought, for being a survivor. Somehow her mind found a way to separate emotion from duty. She learned to cope, move through it, turn human again. Scar tissue grew over the wound, a shield, making it tougher for the next time around.
Tonight, the hurt in Sean’s eyes had ripped her apart. Bled her dry, leaving her icy and numb. It was different this time. His pain was no worse than anyone else’s in that same situation, but she’d felt it deeper, in places she feared might’ve become untouchable.
They weren’t, and that should’ve been a relief.
It wasn’t.
Chapter Fourteen
After several hours passed, Erin called the hospital to check on Tom. Dr. Stanhope worked primarily out of Baptist Hospital, so she was certain that was where Tom would’ve been admitted. As soon as she was told surgery went well and assured that he was stable, she crawled back in bed and slipped into a restless sleep, despite the sun coming up outside. Years of training had taught her body to ignore natural sleep/wake rhythms.
Tess called. Once Erin explained what happened, she stopped by bearing salty, greasy carbohydrates and to give her special brand of pep talk. She was a good friend, a true friend, one who knew when to ask questions, when to offer advice, and when to just let Erin be.
Over the next twenty-four hours, she kept Erin updated on Sean’s father’s progress. He was still in guarded condition and remained in ICU because of the damage the attack had done to the organ, but had had no major setbacks thus far.
Sean hadn’t called. Not that she expected him to ever forgive her for what she’d done.
All Erin could think about was what if Tom had died before he reached the hospital, or in surgery. Sean would’ve never gotten a chance to say good-bye, to tell him how much he loved him one last time. She knew what that felt like firsthand, how much she missed getting that opportunity. It was something that would haunt her for the rest of her life—the things left unsaid.
By the third day, she was sick of wallowing in self-pity—sick of herself—and craving the return to normalcy, at least where she could get it.
As kind as he’d been, Luke looked as if he was ready to crawl out of his skin, so he deserved a reprieve too. And she had to have a break from a place that was filled with reminders of the precious time she’d spent with Sean.
She couldn’t sit on the couch and watch television without thinking about him letting her restrain him with his belt. Afterward he’d made love to her so tenderly she thought she would melt from the sweetness and their combined body heat. Nearly every room in her condo held some sort of carnal memory, including the closet. She still had a tiny bruise on one wrist from his handcuffs. It would thrill her to death if it somehow became permanent.
His toothbrush remained beside the sink in her bathroom, his shaving kit on the shelf above the toilet, and his open duffel bag on the floor of her bedroom. Was it utterly foolish and disgusting that she’d slept in one of his used T-shirts? Or that she’d buried her face in the neighboring pillow because it still carried his scent?
Never in a million years would she have ever thought she’d be
that
woman, the one who pined for a person like a lovesick teenager. But then she never thought she’d ever fall so hard and fast for a man in the first place, or that someone like Sean would want her just as much. Not boring, workaholic Erin, who hated getting dressed up and cursed too much and still had nightmares that made her puke. Not her.
She hurt everywhere. Her ribs felt as though they’d collapse in on themselves and suffocate her. Her head throbbed from thinking too much and holding back a crying jag she feared would drown her if she succumbed to it. And her heart… Well, now she understood why people behaved miserably sometimes when it came to relationships.
It was insane that she’d gotten so attached to him in such a short time. That first night should’ve told her this thing with Sean was going to be mind-blowing, that he was special, not like anyone she’d ever been with before. He got her weirdness. He wanted her despite her weaknesses and insecurities. He saw through her bullshit. He drove her insane with lust.
She missed him so much.
But sitting around her condo obsessing and foolishly feeling sorry for herself was doing her no good, so against Luke’s cautious wishes, she pulled herself together, showered, dressed, and drove in to work, the police detail still firmly in place. Miserable or not, she meant to see her commitment through to the end.
Sean’s bag sat in the passenger seat. Even if he didn’t have a pressing need for the items inside of it, Erin felt a pressing need to get it out of her apartment. Maybe she’d bribe Tess into taking it up to Tom’s room.
She knocked on Dr. Arrington’s office door, then entered when she said, “Come in” from the other side.
Her boss looked up and smiled, a stark sense of relief evident in her tired eyes. “Erin. You have impeccable timing.” She stood up and walked around her desk, all business. “Dr. Carlton’s wife just went into labor, so I’m short an able body.”
Erin was grateful she didn’t fuss at her for being there. She was also glad Dr. Arrington wasn’t the inquisitive type who would prod her about her personal feelings and ask how she was holding up under the stress.
Dr. Arrington would never know about what happened with Sean. As bad as Erin hated to admit it, she was feeling a little brittle. If poked at too much, she might lose it in some embarrassing, disastrous way. The end result would be more time off, and Erin definitely didn’t want that to happen. She needed to be here, busy, where her mind was occupied and she felt useful. Where she could labor herself into an exhausted, mindless stupor. Work, eat, sleep, repeat, one day after another, until it was all just a faded memory.
“I’ll get busy then,” Erin said, reaching for the doorknob.
Dr. Arrington stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. Erin held her breath. “Are you sure you’re okay to work, Erin?”
No
. “Absolutely.”
She worked an entire shift and part of another before throwing in the towel around five a.m. Instead of going straight home though, she took the stairs up to the fifth floor. The elevators were too risky when there was a good chance Tom’s family, namely Sean, was taking turns staying around the clock.
By the time she’d climbed the five flights of stairs, her thighs were burning and she was winded, an indicator if there ever was one that she needed to get back on the treadmill, or her ass into the pool on a regular basis again.
Ducking her head, Erin hurried to the ICU’s nurses’ station and hid behind a dividing wall. When one of the shift nurses looked over and smiled, Erin waved her closer.
“Well, hi, Erin,” she said a bit too loudly, and Erin winced. “What brings you up to the calmer floors?”
Boy, she was right about that. The difference between the cardiac care floor and the ER was like night and day. The only noises to be heard were the monotonous sounds of beeping machines and the occasional quiet conversation. It was like leaving the bustling city for the countryside.
She tried to be discreet about peeking at the nurse’s nametag, ashamed she couldn’t remember her name, since it was clear they’d met at some point in the past. “Hey, Mindy. Just checking in on a friend. Tom Rembert?”
“He’s steadily improving. BP’s leveled off nicely, and his blood work looks good. He ran a slight fever last night, but nothing too alarming. If he does well tonight and tomorrow, he’ll be moved out of ICU and into a private room soon. Want to see his chart?”
“No, that’s fine. I know he’s in good hands.”
“He’s in room two. You can go in if you’d like.” Mindy gave an encouraging nod. “Last time I checked, he was sleeping peacefully.”
“Does he have company?”
“One of his sons. Tall, good-looking guy, dark hair.”
She’d just described all three of Tom’s sons, not that Erin wanted to see any of them right now. There would just be contempt in their eyes when they looked at her, perhaps another angry confrontation, and Tom didn’t need that kind of negative energy around him. She couldn’t handle any more of it from Sean, not when she still felt like a raw, open wound.