Having Faith (20 page)

You know why
, that little voice said inside her. 
Because eventually he’s going to figure out that you’re not good enough for him.
  Nathan’s rejection had been difficult.  Her family’s casting out, even more so.  But if she gave her heart fully to Kieran and he decided one day that he no longer wanted it, it would destroy her.

Even now, the very thought of it manifested as a sharp physical ache deep in her chest.  She needed something – anything – to distract her from it.

“Kieran,” she whispered quietly, even though she sensed he was every bit as awake as she was.  She’d replayed the entire day over in her mind, not wanting to forget a single moment of it.  It was then that she realized that while Kieran had spoken of his brothers, his father, his sisters-in-law, cousins, nieces, and nephews, he had never once mentioned his mother.  Somehow, she sensed it was a significant omission.

“Hmmmm?”

“Tell me about your mother.”

Right away she knew she had been right; this was a sensitive topic for him.  His arm flexed, holding her tighter, squeezing as if she was a life-sized teddy bear.  Faith didn’t mind; it made her feel cherished.  If holding her comforted him, all the better. 

“She’s been gone a long time,” Kieran said quietly. 

“She passed?”

Faith tried to turn around to see his face, but Kieran kept her where she was, resting his chin on her head.  She settled against him and stroked his arm.  If it was easier for him this way, so be it.  The idea of taking care of this man, of doing anything for him, really, was appealing on a level that scared her.

“I don’t remember much.  More feelings than actual memories, if that makes any sense.”

It did.  Images faded, but the memories of how someone made you
feel
never did.  They were so much more powerful than fleeting, tactile impressions, encompassing more than a single sense or two. A perfect example of that was that no matter what happened, Faith would never forget how she felt at that very moment, safe and warm in Kieran’s arms. 

“How old were you?”

“Almost six.”  Deep in her chest, her heart ached for him as an image of Kieran as a little boy rose in her mind.  A sweet, caring child who lost his mother.

“What happened?”

“Pneumonia,” he said so softly she could barely hear him, despite the fact that he was so close she could feel his breath caressing her cheek.  “It was a bad winter.  Everyone was sick – my dad, all my brothers, me.  She took care of all of us.  None of us realized that she was sick, too.  Not until it was too late.”

“I’m so sorry, Kieran.”  Faith suddenly had a greater understanding of why Kieran had been so adamant about staying around and helping her, hovering over her like a mother hen when she just had a case of the flu.

“Thank you.”  He squeezed her a little tighter.  “I see how you are with Matt, and it reminds me of how she used to make me feel.  Loved.  Safe.  Adored.” 

He couldn’t have spoken sweeter words to her.  She sensed the pain and grief he still held deep inside, as well as something else, too:  fear. 

“Is that why you’re here with me now, Kieran?  Because you’re afraid the same thing might happen to Matt that happened to you?”

He was quiet for so long she didn’t think he’d answer.  “When I saw you on the floor, pale and sick...”  Kieran let the sentence hang, unwilling to give voice to the memories that haunted him.  His arms tightened around her.  “I won’t let anything bad happen to you, Faith.”  His words, as softly spoken as they were, held all the weight of a steel promise.

Was he thinking of Matt?  Or of himself?  Maybe, she thought, if she was truly blessed, a little of both.

She tried again to turn in his arms.  This time he allowed it.  She cupped his face with her hands.  She heard him draw in a breath, waiting for her to say it. 
I love you, Kieran
.  The words were there, on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t speak them.  She knew if she did, it would make him happy. 

If she did, he would make love to her and ease that horrible ache that was beginning to extend far beyond the physical.  If he took her now, he would want to claim not just her body, but also her heart and soul. 

But no matter how much she might want to give them to him, she just couldn’t.  Not yet.

Several moments ticked by in awkward silence before his barely audible sigh.  “Go to sleep, Faith,” he commanded softly, kissing her forehead before he tucked her beneath his chin.

“Pleasant dreams, Kieran.”

She felt, rather than saw him smile.  “Pleasant dreams, Faith.”

M
att arrived home the next day, and things returned to normal.  Well, almost.  Kieran was a greater presence in their lives, spending as much free time with them as Faith would allow.  Faith didn’t resist him quite as much when he tried to do things for them, although she was still quite adamant about paying for things herself. That irritated Kieran to no end, but she was immovable on that point.  He was hesitant to do anything that might negate some of the progress they’d made, especially since she was including Kieran in just about everything they did, from nightly dinners to weekend chore runs.  It was all very comfortable and domestic.

Like they were a real family.

“Are you and my mom, uh, ...?” Matt finally blurted out one night.  Kieran looked across the table to find the normally friendly face looking pinched and uneasy.  Faith had run a quick errand, leaving the two of them in the house alone.

Matt squirmed uncomfortably under Kieran’s steady gaze, but to his credit, didn’t look away.  Normally Kieran wouldn’t even think of discussing his and Faith’s physical relationship (or lack thereof) with Matt, but he understood the kid’s need to know where things stood.  More importantly, Kieran wanted him to know what his intentions were, because they would affect Matt greatly.

“No,” Kieran said finally.  Truthfully.  “But I am very much in love with her.”

The relief in Matt’s features was obvious, though his eyes did widen at Kieran’s open confession.  Then a frown creased his youthful brow.  “Does she know?”

Kieran’s lips thinned a little.  “I’ve made my feelings clear to her, yes.”

“And?”

“And what?” Kieran grumbled almost irritably, sitting back and running his hand through his hair.  The truth was, he was trying to figure that out himself.  Several weeks had passed since his confession, and while Faith was no longer actively pushing him away, they hadn’t made significant progress forward, either. 

She had yet to say the words he longed to hear, even though he
knew
she loved him.  It was hidden in her softly spoken words, in her eyes when she looked at him, and in the quiet way she included him in their daily lives.

He wouldn’t trade any of that.  But he wanted more.  Each day his physical need to join with her grew.  Over the past several years, he’d watched his brothers go through similar periods.  He understood that it was all part of the natural progression of things.  Although, he thought wryly, they all seemed to have better success of getting their
croies
into their beds. 

Maybe that was what they needed to get past this plateau.  Maybe once she felt the magic he knew they would create together it would chase the last of doubts from her mind.  He’d been extremely patient.  Maybe too patient.  Perhaps she needed a little nudge.  A little romance...wine, dinner, flowers, a private room at the Goddess...

“What did she say?” Matt asked, interrupting Kieran’s train of thought.  Kieran’s blue eyes flashed, and Matt seemed to understand.  He exhaled, as if he, too, was frustrated by his mother’s lack of action.  “Yeah, she’s like that.  Are you going to ask her to marry you?”

Yes.  Without question. Once she accepts who and what she is to me.
  Yet he didn’t feel like getting into a discussion about
croies
with young Matt just yet.  The boy was just beginning to fully enter the realm of female awareness, he couldn’t be expected to grasp that concept.  Hell, Kieran was twenty-eight and the very idea of being inexorably linked to another soul left
him
dizzy. 

Instead, Kieran posed a question of his own.  “How would you feel about it if I did?”

Matt sat back in his chair and seemed to give it serious consideration for several long minutes.

“I think I’d like it,” he said finally.  “I mean, you’re cool.  And I’m pretty sure she’s in love with you, too.”

Yeah, Kieran thought so, too.  Faith seemed to be the only one not readily accepting of that fact.

“Plus,” Matt continued logically, “you make her happy.”

“Do I?” Kieran wondered, though he hadn’t meant to say so out loud.

Matt rolled his eyes.  “Duh.”

Kieran sighed.  Hearing Matt say so (sort of) made him feel slightly better, but then what was holding her back?  The truth was, things were more complicated than that.  Loving her and making her happy obviously wasn’t enough. 

“You make it sound so simple.”

“Well, it is, isn’t it?”  Matt asked.  “At least it should be, anyway.  You’ve got to make her see that, Kieran.  I don’t think anyone else could.”  Matt’s voice grew quieter.  “She doesn’t think I know, but I do.  All the shit she puts up with, just so we have food on the table and a place to sleep.  How she pretends to eat, but doesn’t so there’s more for me.  It hasn’t been easy, but she made it work.  She’s sacrificed too much.  And she’s too smart to spend the rest of her life cleaning up after other people.  She needs a chance, Kieran.  She needs
you
.  You are the only one I’ve ever seen her listen to.”

Kieran was floored by Matt’s insight, and by the depth of his feelings on the matter.  Weren’t teenagers supposed to be too self-absorbed to notice things like that?  Then again, Matt was no normal teen.  He had Faith for a mother.  Kieran felt a surge of pride for the boy. 

“When did you get so smart, anyway?”

Matt smirked, and the cocky teenager was back.  “Adults,” he said, shaking his head, making Kieran chuckle.

* * *

T
he knock at the door surprised her.  Very few people came to visit.  Matt was at
BodyWorks
with Kieran working on his next belt, and she had the place to herself for a few hours.

“Hi, George,” Faith said when she saw the older man on her porch.  Looking quite sharp in the navy blue knee-length shorts and light blue cotton shirt that comprised the standard warm-weather uniform of the US Postal Service, he smiled warmly.  His eyes matched the color of his shirt, and his short-trimmed hair was snowy white beneath his cap. 

Faith didn’t get to see him often.  He usually left the mail in the box up along the roadside, but if Faith was working outside when he came by, he’d stop and chat for a few moments.  She suspected it had something to do with the iced tea or lemonade and cookies she always offered him, but she didn’t mind.  George was one of those people who knew how to be friendly without being intrusive.

“I’ve got a certified letter here for you, Faith.  I’ll need you to sign for it.”

Faith looked at the envelope, a plain white 8.5 by 11 number, her blood chilling when she saw the name of the law firm and the return address:  
Longstreet & Son, Athens, Georgia.

“Thanks, George,” she said, signing the electronic receipt with the stylus he held out for her, glad to see that her hands weren’t shaking too much for the task.  Remembering her manners, she asked, “Would you like some sweet tea?  I have a batch of sugar cookies I just took out of the oven, too.”

“Thanks, but not today, Faith.  I’m running a little behind; my knee’s acting up again.  But if it’s not too much trouble, I’ll take a couple of those cookies for my wife.  She loves them.  Which reminds me – I’m supposed to ask you for the recipe.”

“I’ll write it up and leave it in the box tomorrow,” she said automatically as she slid a dozen or so cookies into a plastic container, then put a couple into his hand. 

“That would be great, Faith, thanks.”

Faith remained frozen to the spot for several minutes after George left.  The envelope felt like a hundred pound weight in her hand.  She held it away from her by the tips of her fingers as if it might suddenly grow teeth and snap at her.  What in the world would Nathan’s family law firm be sending to her? 

She laid the letter on the table, her mind racing.  It couldn’t be good, whatever it was.  Anything to do with lawyers usually wasn’t, and anything that had to do with Nathan
definitely
wasn’t.  All the times his father had gotten in touch with her, he’d done so discreetly.  Ethan Longstreet would never contact her through his business.

She tossed it onto the table and went about making some hot tea to give her hands something to do and chase away the sudden chill that seemed to settle in her bones despite the unseasonably warm weather.  Maybe she shouldn’t have accepted it.  Maybe she should have refused to sign for it.  What would have happened then?  What if she simply refused to open it?  Would they send another? 

She was still staring at the envelope two hours later when Kieran and Matt came through the door.  Their laughter sounded loud and foreign after sitting in the silence for so long.

“Mom, what’s wrong?” Matt asked the moment he saw her face.  What could she tell him? 
Oh, it’s nothing, dear.  Just that I received a certified letter from the father you’ve never known and has never tried to contact you.

She opted for cautious honesty.  “I’m not sure, really.  This came in the mail today.” 

Matt looked at the envelope.  “Longstreet & Son Legal?”  The name held no meaning for him, but he knew enough to sense that anything with “Legal” in the name probably wasn’t good.  “What is it?”

“I don’t know.  I haven’t opened it yet.”  Faith felt Kieran’s eyes on her.  Knew that he recognized the name even if Matt didn’t.

“You have to open it, Mom.”

“I know.”

“Do it now, while me and Kieran are here.”  Even though she was a wreck, Matt’s words made her heart swell.  Protecting her, comforting her, even though she was the parent.  And including Kieran, as if he understood how much he had come to mean to her.