Hard to Resist (18 page)

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“When can I see?” His head turns to look at me. I turn and face him and stare into his mellow grey eyes. The fact that he’s so humble really makes me adore him even more. I can tell that he actually wants to be here and that it’s not forced.

“I don’t know. You would probably freak if you saw what I wrote.”

He chuckles as his thumb strokes my knuckles. “You would freak from the lyrics of my songs so I guess we’re a match.” Adjusting against the bed, he props himself up on his elbow but he doesn’t release my hand. “How about we make a deal.”

Sighing, I sit up with him while placing my cheek in the palm of my hand with my elbow propped up as well. “Okay. What is it?”

“You show me your poems and I’ll sing a song for you.”

My face lifts but as I think about the power that is within the words of my poems, my face falls to a slant. I would love to hear Nolan sing for me. He has a beautiful voice but I’m not really ready to show him how I feel. “Nolan—”

“Ah, I’m not done,” he says with his finger placed against the fold of my lips. “The song that I sing for you will be a song that I wrote about you last night. And I promise that this one isn’t about soul-stealing or breaking hearts.”

“You wrote another song about me?” I ask as my heart warms up delightfully and my lips stretch to smile.

He nods. “Yup. I think you would love it . . . but I’m only singing it if you agree to let me read them. I think reading them will give me a little depth as to what you’re going through.”

“How so?”

“Because I write as well, Natalie. Every song that I’ve ever written is from what I’ve felt. Whether it’s pain, heartache, happiness, or just feeling somewhat complete, I write it down. I know that you have something in them that will help me get a better understanding of what you’re really going through. I can tell that you don’t like talking much about your past.”

“Yeah, because the past is just what it is. The past,” I breathe. “I don’t like thinking about it.”

“But thinking about it will help you let go. Trying to ignore it makes it worse.” Nolan’s eyebrows rise as he pulls his hand away from mine to stroke my cheek. Pushing a strand of hair behind my ear, he leans in to place a gentle kiss on my lips. “Like I said, I’ve sort of been through what you’re going through. And although I was terrible at dealing with it, I learned how to get over it. That’s something that I can help you with, but that’s only if you
let me in
. Right now, I’m stuck on the outer part of you. Your interior is where I want to be. I’m sure it will take me time but you have to work with me, Natalie. Don’t hold off anymore. Okay?”

I nod as my chest constricts. I pull my lips in and bite down to prevent any of the tears that I feel building up to spill. “I seriously want this to work. I’ve never wanted someone this damn bad. I have to keep you,” he murmurs against my lips.

Misguided Ghosts
by Paramore begins to play and as soon as the countdown of the song is over, Nolan slides in to lay me on my back. He climbs on top of me, stares into my eyes, and then pulls my hands above my head. His fingers intertwine with mine and in only an instant, he leans down to kiss me.

As Hayley Williams sings her lyrics, my only hope is that I can keep Nolan with me. My only hope is if I do let him in, that he won’t screw up. That he won’t hurt me. It scares the shit out of me and now I can see what Harper means. It’s scary to think about having your heart handed to someone else. I don’t want to go through it again because I’m still hurting and if I give Nolan my already shattered heart, he can easily destroy it.

A tear slides down to my ear but Nolan’s lips don’t bother to pull away from mine. He releases his fingers from mine to cup my face. His panting is even, strong, yet rigid and powerful. I wrap my legs around him while my arms hook around his neck to pull him in closer against me. I want nothing more than to feel him, hold him, and never let go. I’m in so deep that I feel like if I allow him to slip once, it’s over.

I wouldn’t say that it’s love but ever since Nolan has come into my life, I’ve been feeling ten times better about myself. I can tell that he wants to make this work and that he wants to keep this going. I do as well, but how long will it be before he finds me just as boring as the previous girls that he’s dated? I can’t be any more different than them. How long will this part of him really last?

Nolan finally pulls away and I stare up at him as the light of the lamp blankets over one side of his face. “We’ll take our time, okay? I’ll be sure not to hurt you.” He pulls a hand up to wipe at the tears that have collected at the edges of my eyes.

“Do you promise?” I whisper.

“I promise.” Leaning down, he kisses me once more. “So is it a deal? I sing for you if you let me read your poems?”

“Sure,” I agree as he climbs off of me. “But not tonight.”

“Whenever you’re ready is okay with me.”

I smile then pull him in for another kiss.
I can do this,
I tell myself. But if anything happens, I have to be sure that this entire thing that I’m having with him is worth it.

Chapter Nineteen

As the seagulls caw from above and from the shore of the beach, I flip on my stomach to let the rays of the sun blanket across my back. I let out a satisfying sigh to the feel of it. This feels great. Pulling my arms in to rest my head on them, I turn to look at Harper who is still lying on her back with a pair of square brown Ray Ban sunglasses on that match well with her gold and brown bikini.

“I seriously needed this,” she says. Her lips barely moved. I can tell she’s relaxed.

“You and me both,” I mumble.

“Seriously, after last night, I needed to clear my head.”

I adjust my head on my arm as a cool breeze passes by. “What happened last night?”

“Well for one,” she says, twisting her head in my direction to most likely look at me—or at least I think she’s looking at me. Her sunglasses are too dark for me to see through them. I reach for my sunglasses and sit them on the bridge of my nose. “You and Nolan were so loud when I got home. It was kind of disturbing.” My sunglasses fall as I prop myself up on my elbows.

“What?” I shriek as my cheeks fill with blood. “You heard us?”

“Kinda hard not to.” She shrugs as her head turns so her face can point up again. “But by the way you were screaming, he sounds like he’s super good in bed. I could hear you from outside of the apartment.”

“I thought you came in this morning, though, Harp. When did you get there last night?”

“While you two were humping around your room.”

Wow. This is embarrassing.

“But don’t worry,” she sighs as she reaches up to push a lock of her medium-length blonde hair behind her ear. “I’m glad you’re getting some. You needed to loosen the hell up.”

“Did not,” I say as I flick a few specks of sand that are on my towel in her direction.

“Yes you did, Nat!” She props herself up on her elbows. “I swear I thought I was going to have to drown you with liquor every night for the past two weeks. You were freaking me out.”

“Whatever,” I groan.

Although I’m not looking in Harper’s direction anymore, I can feel the glare and scowl that she’s giving me with her eyes beneath her dark sunglasses. “So, are you gonna talk about how great he was in the sack or what?”

I crush my lips together and try to hold off on a smirk while lying on my stomach again. I turn my head in the opposite direction to keep my smirk hidden from Harper. Sex with Nolan is unbelievable. I seriously can’t believe how good he is. I was looking for a downfall or something that would prove that he isn’t perfect and besides his minor flaws from the past, there is nothing. He has the perfect body, the perfect face, the perfect smile. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him physically. Now, mentally . . . that is what I’m still unsure about. I still have so much to learn.

In the midst of my train of thought, a hand yanks me by the shoulder and I flip onto my back quickly like a pancake. “Damn, Harp! Break my damn back, why don’t ya?!”

“I will if my best friend doesn’t provide the scoop! Now tell me. I really wanna know. Maybe he and Dawson have something in common.” She pulls her sunglasses off of her face to wink as she sits up.

I sit up with her as I place my sunglasses back on. “Well, you heard it,” I say without eyeing her. I never really understood why it was so hard for me to gossip about how sex with my boyfriends is with my friends. Grace loves bragging and Harper never shuts the hell up about it. I just find it so odd. I guess I’m one of those people that feel that the sex should stay in the bedroom and nowhere else. But, instead, I feel the urge to give in and brag a little. “Harp, he is seriously amazing! There was no need to fake it with him.”

“Oh my gosh!” she screams as she reaches for my hands. She slides in as she squeezes them. “Go on! What else? Was he big? Did he satisfy you, too?”

“Yeah,” I breathe. “To be honest, he satisfies me way before he satisfies himself. I don’t know how he does it.” My mind drifts as I turn my focus on the body of water beside us. “And yes. He’s pretty damn big,” I add on quickly.

“Ugh, I am so jealous. I tried to make a move on Dawson last night but he held off on me. He says that he doesn’t want to rush these things.” Harper’s voice turns nasally to mimic the way Dawson would have most likely said it to her. “But I feel like I’ve known him long enough. It’s been three weeks since we’ve had sex. Three weeks, Nat! I can’t do this anymore. He’s really frustrating.”

“But?” I ask as I my head tilts and she releases my hands.

Her face falls. “But what?”

“But you’re still with him. If you were really that frustrated, you wouldn’t still be seeing him, Harp.”

She thinks on it for a moment as she chews on her bottom lip. She then looks back up and her blue eyes meet mine. “Well, yeah, only because I want to do it again. He has the perfect moves. When we make out, I can pretty much feel everything. And when he’s turned on, the long rock in his pants is just so hard to not want to take advantage of!”

“You know, that’s kind of how Nolan was with me. But when I kept calling him gay, he would prove to me that he was far from it.”

“How?” she asks as her eyebrows stitch together.

I run my fingers across my orange towel and keep my eyes down. “By . . . fucking me I guess.”

Harper bursts out laughing and I look up quickly just as she is clutching herself. “Seriously, Nat,” she says, still chuckling as she swipes at the tears in the corners of her eyes. “You have got to ease up. I’m honestly glad that you’re happy with him. For a moment, I was afraid that you were going to be worse down here than you were at home. I know you’ve just met him but Nolan is doing something to you that I’m actually glad to see. You should be glad about that, too. I’m actually kind of jealous.”

“You’d be surprised by how glad and scared I am since he’s come into my life.”

“Scared? Why are you scared?” She uncrosses her legs to swing them straight. Her forehead creases as she eyes me briefly.

“The same reason that you are. I’m afraid to let him in too much. Nolan may be great in some ways, but there are things about him that I’m not sure I want to deal with.”

“What do you mean?”

I sigh as she lies on her back to soak the sun in again. Her belly ring twinkles and reflects off of my sunglasses. “I don’t know—never mind.” I shrug it off while lying on my back as well.

“It’s only been a few weeks, Nat. Don’t sweat the small stuff. I say count the things that you actually like about him. The number one thing should be the fact that he’s helping you forget about Bryson the Shitbag.”

I giggle as she reaches for my hand to give it a squeeze. Her lips press to form a small smile and I smile with her before looking up at the clear blue sky again. “I guess you’re right.” I shut my eyes slowly but they fly wide open again as I sit up, realizing that I need something to cool me down. “I’m going to go grab something to drink. You want something?”

“Sure. Grab me a Sprite,” she says. Nodding, I stand while dusting most of the sand particles off of me. I slip my feet into my white flip flops that match well with my white and grey striped bikini before reaching for my wallet and my phone and carrying myself to the nearest shack. My mother sent money to my card today and I can’t wait until tomorrow to go shopping with Harper. I feel that I have to get a new wardrobe as well, especially while I’m down here. In Miami, I will be a new Natalie. I will try to forget and live on.