She’d punched him hard in the side of the head the first—and only—time he’d tried to lick her pussy. “That’s disgusting! It’s filthy!” she exhorted him, her face red with shame and anger. “Get away from me. Don’t you ever do that again, Jack Crawford.”
Nor did she ever touch his cock with her hands, and certainly not with her mouth. At least she had seemed to enjoy the missionary sex they had well enough. She would sigh and murmur to him she loved him, and squirm beneath him to help him come more quickly, but there had been little passion between them.
At first he blamed it on the pregnancy, which had preceded the marriage. They’d never had a chance to be carefree. After that he blamed it on the demands of young motherhood, then on the passage of time leaving her bored with him. After a while he put it out of his mind altogether. It was what it was, and she was a wonderful wife in every other respect.
Watching Will, who was smiling and gesturing animatedly, it occurred to Jack the lack of passion in their marriage hadn’t been entirely Emma’s fault. Perhaps he had been as mechanical and predictable as she, using her body as a receptacle for his lust, without examining his own complicity.
Perhaps he hadn’t been meant to be with a woman.
The thought was too dangerous for the moment and he pushed it aside with a physical shrug of rejection. Yet, thinking back, he’d never experienced as powerful an orgasm with Emma as he had that one night with Luke.
Could it be he’d spent a lifetime living the wrong life?
You’re as repressed and hung up as all the other assholes.
Had Luke been right? Jack had vehemently denied it at the time. But then, the very nature of repression means you don’t know you’re doing it. You’re hiding from yourself—from your very nature. He’d kept the cover intact for years—a lifetime. Yet now, with a single kiss, Jack found the very fabric of who he thought he was unraveling.
“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?” Will accused, though he was smiling, his green eyes sparkling.
“What? No, I am. You were talking about how the stock market impacts the cost of fuel, or was it the other way around…?” Jack grinned and shrugged in defeat.
“That was twenty minutes ago.” Will laughed. He stood and pushed back against his chair. “How about a game of darts? Loser buys the winner another round of Guinness.”
“It’s a deal, though I think I’ll switch to Coke.”
In darts they were much more evenly matched than at pool. They each won a game, then Will broke the tie in the ninth inning of the third game. They returned to the table, fresh drinks in hand. Jack felt considerably more relaxed, the physical activity of the game perhaps sublimating some of his lingering sexual energy.
Jack finally dared to turn the conversation toward what had happened earlier that day.
“That kiss—” he began. He felt his cheeks warming and hoped the room was too dim for Will to notice.
…was amazing. Was the most incredible kiss I’ve ever experienced. Was the first time I’ve kissed a man…
No. He wasn’t going to lie. In fact, maybe that was the key. Maybe, if he confided in Will, if he told
someone
what had happened over twenty years ago, he might be able to understand it better. To process it and see how or if it had anything to do with his reactions and desires now.
“That kiss,” Will repeated softly, his expression gentle but coaxing.
“It—it wasn’t my first time.”
Will tilted his head, a question on his face. “Well, I wouldn’t think so. I mean, you
were
married and all.”
“No, no,” Jack said, flustered. As he saw the smile slide over Will’s face he realized he’d deliberately misunderstood. He was teasing him. How could he make light of something so monumental?
Maybe it wasn’t so monumental? It was just a kiss. Jack was making it a huge deal, but was it? “A guy,” he finally said. “I kissed a guy once. A long time ago. We were best friends. His name was Luke. We were just kids, barely eighteen.” He held his breath as he waited for Will’s reaction.
Will nodded, though he didn’t seemed stunned by the revelation, far from it. “Well, okay. Lots of people experiment. It’s perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean you’re gay.”
“We did more than kiss.” Jack knew his face was crimson now, but he was determined to make Will understand the import of what he was confessing. “At least—at least he did. To me.” He hid his face behind his soda, draining the glass.
Will looked considerably more interested. “Is that right? But then you married…”
“Yes. The next night my girlfriend and I went all the way. She got pregnant. We got married. End of story.”
“Wow. And this guy—”
“Luke.”
“Luke. What happened to him?”
“He left town. Disappeared. He was my best friend since we were twelve but I never saw him after that.”
“So it was just the one time.”
“Yes.”
Jack waited while Will digested this. After a moment Will smiled. “It’s okay. That still doesn’t make you gay.”
Jack set down his glass rather too hard on the table. He realized he had wanted Will to confirm he
was
gay, or if not gay, at least curious. Bi-curious. He plunged on, saying what he’d never dared say to himself for so many years. “I liked it. Don’t you see? I was so turned on. I’ve never experienced that level of intensity since, never. Never until,” his voice ended in a whisper, “today.”
Will was silent for several beats. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Was it—for you, was it something special too? I mean, am I just making a big thing out of nothing?” Jack heard the hint of desperation in his voice. He stopped, swallowed and cleared his throat. He was a grown man. He could be honest. Maybe for the first time in his life, he could be truly open with someone, no matter how scary it felt.
“I have to tell you, Will, I have no idea what I’m doing right now. I don’t know the next step. I don’t know what you see in me,
if
you really see anything in me beyond a little diversion. I’m way the hell out of my ken here. You have to know that. I guess I’m saying I need your help. I don’t know the game we’re playing now. I don’t know the rules. I don’t know how to play.” Jack knew he sounded hopelessly naïve, but then he was, wasn’t he?
That kiss, and the way Will had touched him afterward, his hands stroking his back, easing his muscles, luring him into sleep, only to awaken to see the sexy younger man, naked and taking his pleasure…
Jack felt raw, frightened, excited, almost timid and yet at the same time wildly energized by the realization his life had just exploded with possibility he’d never dreamed of until now.
Will was watching him, his gaze intense, almost fierce. “It’s not a game, Jack. There are no rules. I know this is very new for you. I want to hear more about you and Luke. I want to understand better what your feelings are, and your expectations. Whatever this is between us, I want us to take our time. If it makes you feel better, this is all new for me too.”
“What? But you—”
Will raised his hand and Jack pressed his lips together and waited. “I mean the feelings. Sure, I’ve been with guys. Lots of guys, which I’m not especially proud of. What I mean to say is I’ve never been in love.” Now it was Will’s turn to blush, which had the net effect of calming Jack down. “Not to say we’re in love,” Will hastened to amend.
“No, no of course not,” Jack agreed.
“I guess what I mean is, this level of feeling, this depth of connection—I’ve never experienced that before. I’m a virgin, if you will”—he grinned, his expression suddenly impish—“in the ways of love.”
The smile slid from his face as he said, his tone suddenly sad, “I’ve never had a committed relationship ever, with anyone. Until now that never bothered me. I think I took a kind of perverse pride in it, if you can believe that. I guess it kept me safe. It sounds so clichéd, I suppose, but if you don’t fall in love, you can’t fall out of it. If you don’t put yourself out there, emotionally speaking, you won’t get hurt.
“And it’s worked great for me, if you don’t count chronic loneliness masquerading as free-spiritedness. If you don’t count waking up next to someone whose name you barely remember, or worse, fucking them and even during the act itself knowing you never want to see them again.
“They say timing is everything. Maybe it’s true. I turned thirty and realized my life was for shit. I have money and a career that completely consumes my life, except for the time taken to have meaningless sex with virtual strangers or men I know I could never truly love. I leave it all to try and find some peace and
wham
. Enter Jack Crawford.”
“A guy fourteen years your senior who has no earthly idea what he’s doing at this point,” Jack interjected with a rueful grin.
“So what? That’s the point I’m trying to make, I guess. I have no idea either. I’m, to use your phrase, completely out of my ken as well. In uncharted waters. For you it’s physical, for me it’s emotional.”
Jack pondered what Will had just said. It honestly hadn’t occurred to him Will was experiencing an iota of the angst he had been consumed with these past few days. Though he still didn’t know what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to react, or what was in store for the two of them, knowing Will was, in some ways, as scared as he was, made it easier to contemplate.
He wanted to reach across the table and put his hand on Will’s as a gesture of comfort, but years of conditioning prevented him from doing so in a public place. Instead he patted Will’s arm.
“I guess we’ll stumble through this together, then,” he said.
“Okay then. Just, Jack, you have to promise me something.” Will’s expression was earnest.
Jack leaned forward, letting his own smile fade. “Yes, of course. What is it?”
“Be gentle with me. I’m a virgin.” Will kept his expression serious for a moment but then a smile curved his lips upward and he exploded with glee. Jack cuffed Will’s head.
In spite of himself, he laughed too, his heart lighter than it had been in years. “Let’s get out of here.”
“This is solid brass. You polish it up and you’ve got yourself a beauty.” Jack stroked the side of the battered old telescope Will had retrieved from the attic. They were outside on his back deck, the telescope mounted on a tripod, its lens aimed toward the heavens.
Will watched Jack tinker with the knobs as he put his face to the eyepiece. It was a perfect night for stargazing, clear and warm, the moon not yet risen, but Will only had eyes for Jack. Though he knew he shouldn’t read anything into Jack’s words—after all, they’d both just agreed they would take it slow—when Jack had said, “Let’s get out of here”, Will’s body had responded with conditioned desire.
In his lexicon and experience, the phrase was code for, “Let’s go somewhere and fuck.” Will, not used to sublimating his physical desires, forced himself to ignore the erection pressing like a bar of iron against his fly. He had promised to take this on Jack’s terms, at his pace, and he had meant it.
Will had been with a few other bi-curious guys in the past, though more often than not he’d found their curiosity was more like uncontrolled, unbridled lust. After a few hesitant, perhaps awkward moments, they’d been as voracious and eager to get into his pants as any openly gay guy he’d been with.
Yet he knew with Jack it was different. His shy confession about having once kissed a guy was at once endearing and arousing. It had been so long since Will had been with someone not intent on fucking him as quickly as possible, he barely knew how to act.
“Take a look at that.” Jack stepped back from the telescope. “Just put your eye there, don’t move the position. I’ve got it in perfect focus.” As Will moved to obey, Jack stood just behind him. It took every ounce of willpower not to lean back against him. “That’s Mars. Isn’t that something? It’s actually got a red cast to it.”
Will peered through the eyepiece, focusing on the pale pink blob visible through the lens. “Can you see it?” Jack asked excitedly.
“Yeah, that’s awesome,” Will said, trying to inject some enthusiasm into his voice to match Jack’s. Jack began to talk about polar icecaps and the atmosphere of Mars. Will stepped back from the scope and said with sincerity, “You really know a lot about astronomy.”
“Me?” Jack looked embarrassed. “Not really. I’ve just read some stuff. I had these astronomy maps when I was a kid, plastered all over the walls and ceiling of my bedroom. My grandfather was a real enthusiast. He got me interested, I guess. It’s just a hobby.”
“Well, this old telescope hasn’t been used in years. I’d be honored if you’d like to have it.”
“Oh, I couldn’t take that. That’s a real antique. See there?” He pointed at some words ornately engraved in the brass. “This is a Dolland, probably from the early nineteenth century. That’s mahogany on the barrel. The brass should clean up nicely. The lens is in excellent condition. This is definitely worth something.”
“It’s worth something if you use it. I don’t know the first thing about it. It would make me happy to give it to someone who appreciated it.”
“How about this? I’ll accept it, but I’ll keep it here. That way I’ll have an excuse to come out here whenever I want.”
Will laughed. “You don’t need an excuse, but all right. It’s a deal.” He wanted to go inside, to take Jack up to his bedroom and somehow get him naked. But how to do it without being too pushy?
Seizing the first thing that came into his head, he said, “You had mentioned some ideas about my master bathroom. Should we go have a look? I was thinking about that steam shower you suggested.”
“Sure.” Jack took the bait. “We can leave this in position and check out the moon later.” He patted the telescope as if patting the head of a favored dog.
He followed Will into the house, through the kitchen and living room to the curving staircase. Jack turned back and gave the room a sweeping gaze. “This is a great old house. There’s a lot of potential here.”
“Yeah.” Will laughed. “Potential. Not yet realized.”
“Hey, the kitchen’s done—that’s a good start. That fireplace could use some work. It looks like someone tacked that faux marble mantle onto an existing one. Who knows what original work lies beneath it? Just look what we found under that hideous dropped ceiling.”
“Yeah,” Will said, wondering if he’d made a mistake in suggesting they look at the bathroom. Jack had seemed to switch to a business mode, his mind on renovation instead of his newfound
curiosity
. He would have to redirect Jack back to the matter at hand, he thought with a wry grin.
Standing in the bathroom, Jack seemed to lose his train of thought, his patter about possible designs for the space trailing off as he stared at the glass-enclosed shower. Will saw the color seep into his cheeks and knew he was recalling what he’d witnessed earlier that afternoon.
Will came up close behind him. “Did you like what you saw?” he said softly, his mouth close to Jack’s ear.
Jack drew in a breath, his body stiffening. “I didn’t mean to—”
“Hey, it’s okay. I should have closed the door. Maybe I left it open on purpose. Maybe I wanted you to come in.”
“Look, I—” Jack spun around, but whatever he’d been about to say, Will prevented by leaning down and kissing those wide, mobile lips. Jack started to pull back but Will stopped him by gently cupping the back of his head.
He moved closer so their chests were touching, Jack’s heart hammering just below his. He stepped back and looked at him. Jack’s eyes were bright, fear warring with desire in his expression.
“Your pace,” Will whispered, taking another step back. “Let’s go lie on the bed. I’ll give you another massage. It’ll help you relax.” He turned and went into the bedroom without looking back to see if Jack followed. If he balked, if he said he had to go, Will would let him. Instinctively he knew whatever happened between them had to be on Jack’s terms or not at all.
As he walked toward his bed he unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall from his shoulders. He kicked off his shoes and took off his socks. Time later to remove his pants—or not—depending on Jack.
He sat on the bed, only now allowing himself to see if Jack had followed him.
He had.
He stood at the foot of the bed. His eyes fixed on Will, he slowly unbuttoned the shirt Will had given him. Will watched his large hands, noting the thick, blunt fingers. Though he knew from personal experience the claim hand size correlated to penis size was just an urban legend, he couldn’t help but fantasize Jack’s cock was proportionately as thick and long as his powerful fingers.
Jack dropped the shirt to the ground as Will had done. To Will’s delighted shock, he proceeded to unbuckle his belt and open his jeans. His eyes still locked on Will’s face, he slid the denim down his thighs and calves.
He was wearing dark blue cotton boxer shorts. Loose as they were, they couldn’t quite hide the obvious erection poking against the fabric. Will’s mouth actually watered and he had to swallow to keep from choking.
Responding to Jack’s unspoken invitation, Will quickly stood, unzipped his own jeans and pulled them down and off. His black bikini underwear did little to hide his erection, the head of which was poking above the waistband.
Jack’s gaze moved to Will’s crotch. If anything, he got harder beneath Jack’s intense, almost fierce gaze. Again Will sat on one side of the bed. “Come here.” He patted the bed beside him. Jack stood frozen to the spot for several beats. Will waited, forcing himself to be patient.
Finally Jack walked around to the other side of the bed and sat awkwardly on the edge. “Come over here,” Will said again. “Lie face down on your stomach.” Jack obeyed, resting his head on folded arms, turning his face away from Will, as Will had expected he would. He reached over, stroking Jack’s strong, bare back with his fingertips. Jack shivered to his touch but otherwise remained still. Only his rapid breathing gave away how he must be feeling.
Will scooted closer to him and brought his other hand over, gently massaging Jack’s massive shoulders, which had twisted themselves back into knots since the afternoon. “Hey, relax. It’s just me. You know me. I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to do. Okay?”
Jack didn’t answer. Will shifted, straddling Jack’s lower back as he leaned forward to continue the massage. He pressed and kneaded the supple flesh for several minutes, pleased when it began to ease beneath his fingers. Moving lower, he worked on Jack’s back by section, glad to note the deepening and slowing of his breathing as he relaxed into the bed.
Will began to smooth his sides, moving downward toward Jack’s hips. He continued down until he was straddling Jack’s calves. He focused on Jacks thighs for a while, massaging the thick, hard muscles. Ready to stop at the slightest resistance or protest, Will slid his fingers beneath the loose legs of Jack’s shorts. Sliding his hands upward, he pressed his palms lightly against Jack’s bare hips.
Jack had again begun to breathe rapidly, but otherwise he didn’t move. Will kept his hands on Jack’s hips for several moments, waiting for him to calm down. His hands still beneath the thin fabric of the boxers, cautiously he moved them up over the firm globes of Jack’s ass. Jack stiffened, drawing in a quick breath. Again Will stilled until Jack relaxed beneath his touch.
Will had played this game before, but not for many years. After his first experience with Justin, he’d met Bryan during his freshman year in college. Bryan wasn’t yet out but was definitely on the way. He’d invited Will back to his dorm room one evening and they’d given each other a massage.
Will had played it straight, not sure how far to go with Bryan, who, though he gave off decidedly gay vibes, liked to talk about his girlfriend back home. Bryan, however, when it was his turn to reciprocate, had done what Will was doing now, moving in baby steps from one forbidden area of Will’s body to the next. Will had enjoyed the silent seduction.
He wondered if Jack was enjoying himself, or if he was too terrified to acknowledge the pleasure. Will’s hands were firmly on his bare ass and so far he hadn’t balked, leaped up screaming or tried to punch Will, so maybe he liked what was happening. Would he like what happened next?
Slowly Will moved one hand from Jack’s ass and slid his fingers under his hip, using the give of the mattress to get where he wanted to go. He felt the silky touch of Jack’s pubic hair. His fingers groped toward the thick, hard shaft pressed between Jack’s body and the bed.
Trying to control his own rising lust, Will closed his fingers around Jack’s cock. It was hot to the touch and stiff as steel. For several moments he simply held it. He could feel the pulse of Jack’s heart thrumming in his shaft. How long it had been since anyone, male or female, had touched Jack so intimately?
Was it his imagination or had Jack shifted on the bed, his body slightly angled so it was easier for Will to grip his cock? Encouraged by this, Will slid his thumb up over the head of Jack’s cock, finding the gooey drop of precome he’d been looking for. He slid his thumb back down along the silky flesh and repositioned his fingers. With his hand trapped beneath Jack’s girth, he found it difficult to get a proper grip.
It was obvious Jack wanted this. His desire seemed to be greater than his fear. Taking a chance, Will leaned down and whispered, “Turn over onto your back. Keep your eyes closed. If you want me to stop at any time you just say that. Remember, your pace.”
He let go of Jack’s cock and moved off his legs to sit beside him. Jack didn’t move. Then he rolled over onto his back, draping one arm over his face. Will was reminded of toddlers who think they can’t be seen if they hide their own eyes. He grinned to himself. In a way Jack was a toddler, sexually speaking, though if Will had his way, he’d be growing up in a hurry.
He glanced down at Jack’s groin. His cock was creating a little tent in his boxers. Will leaned over and lifted the elastic waistband to release Jack’s cock from its cotton prison. He slid the shorts down Jack’s thighs and tossed them off the bed.
“Ah,” he couldn’t help but sigh aloud. Jack’s cock was as thick and long as he’d imagined, rising proudly from a luxurious nest of dark curls. “Jesus, Jack, you have a hot body.”
Jack didn’t respond. He might have been sleeping, save for the rapid rise and fall of his chest and the rigid shaft pointing upward. Will licked his palm and wrapped Jack’s cock in his hand. He wanted to suck it—to impale himself on it—but he forced himself to slow down.
Carefully he moved his hand up and down the rigid cock, his other hand gently cupping the heavy, warm sac beneath. Jack groaned. Will’s cock had snaked out of his bikini, half of it in plain sight, dark with blood and throbbing with desire. He could almost feel the tight clench of Jack’s virgin ass around it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Right now his focus was on Jack’s pleasure.
Forgetting to go slow, he leaned down and closed his lips over the crown of Jack’s cock. He tasted musky and warm, the very essence of masculinity. Greedily Will lowered his head, licking along the shaft, not stopping until he felt the head lodge in his throat.
“Jesus! Oh my God. Oh my God.” Jack’s voice came out a hoarse cry. Will stilled, waiting for Jack to tell him to stop. Instead Jack arched his hips ever so slightly, a silent cue to continue. His mouth still stuffed with cock, Will grinned.
He began to lick and suck Jack with all the considerable skill he possessed, using his hands to cradle and gently squeeze Jack’s balls. Jack was groaning, his breathing rapid and shallow. Will licked in lazy circles down and then up the shaft before plunging onto it, not stopping until his nose met Jack’s pubic bone. He held himself in this position until the need for oxygen forced him to pull back. Jack had begun to moan, a series of bleating, breathless cries.