Grin and Bear It: How to Be Happy No Matter What Reality Throws Your Way (17 page)

In fact, most people like Deb more than they do me. I know Jeff does. He is deeply amused by her. Whenever Deb is around, we tend to play around at work, finding ways to connect through her. I will admit that I fall back on humor to sometimes bait and switch Jeff, especially when I can feel the air thicken around the office. I can stay in character all day long if I have to, as long as it means getting things done and having a few laughs along the way.

Deb isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants and frankly, she has taught me a thing or two about how to go about getting it. While I don’t think I’ve used Deb’s strength enough in my personal life, when it comes to work, she is there with a snap of my finger. We have a cabinetmaker we work with on
Flipping Out,
who frequently refers his brother to work on our jobs. Even though we had worked with them for thirteen years, we had never met the brother before and therefore, he didn’t know any of us. They had given us a price to do some cabinetry on a project that was more than we could spend for one of our clients.

Whenever a little ball busting needs to happen around the office, we usually call in Deb to get it done. Unaware that Deb doesn’t really exist, I gave the brother a call from Jeff’s office and said, “Hi, this is Deb from Jeff Lewis’s office. I need you to get a better price from your brother on the cabinets. He’s really dicking us around. We bring you a lot of business. Make this happen!”

“Yeah, of course. Yeah, sure,” he nervously responded. He had no idea he was talking to me.

“Maybe we can grab a beer sometime,” I said.

“Oh, yeah. I would like that. But what I’d really like is to take that Jenni out for a beer.” He was serious, too. Deb had no choice but to shut that down, and fast.

“Well, that’s not going to happen, she’s taken, so back off!” She was gruff and clear.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” he said as he apologized over and over.

I felt kind of bad so I forced Deb to say, “There is another nice girl in the office that you might consider.”

Later that night, he actually drunk-dialed Jeff, trying to order a Domino’s pizza at 2:00 a.m. I don’t know if he was really looking for pizza or trying to make a booty call to me. Jeff wasn’t happy to be awakened, but Deb took care of that little problem the next morning, calling the contractor to give him a piece of her mind. I think he felt bad, but at least we got a better price on the cabinets.

Deb handles all of the things no one else wants to confront in the office, and always gets the job done. For months, Jeff couldn’t get his green recycling garbage can emptied on a regular basis. Sometimes they’d come and take the trash and other weeks they wouldn’t. So finally, Deb called the waste company and said, “This is Deb from Jeff Lewis’s office. Look, my boss can be a real prick. You’ve got to pick up the recycling trash every week. He’s going to make me fill individual ziplock bags with his waste if someone doesn’t get their ass over here and empty it. We have asked three times for this bullshit to be picked up. It’s not getting done. Who do I have to f*** to get this green yard can emptied? I am not going to lose my job over this. It is not okay. Do you know the kind of guy I work for? Do you understand the shit I have to endure? I’ll get fired for you not doing your job!”

An hour later, the waste management company showed up and the garbage was gone. They never missed another week again.

Jeff
loves
Deb. For his birthday a few years ago, he said the only thing he wanted was for Deb to work the entire day—not Jenni. So I came in dressed as Deb, and stayed in character the entire day. No one knew I was going to do this, not even the camera guys. When I got to Jeff’s house, someone on the crew stopped me because they didn’t recognize me in character. They went inside to ask Jeff if he was expecting a strange-looking woman. They thought I was trying to break into his house! Naturally, Jeff knew it was me, but we tried to keep it from everyone else as long as we could. I never broke character the entire day. None of the footage from that ever made it to air. But if it had, you would have seen a very different dynamic between Jeff and Deb than you do between Jeff and Jenni. Very often, Jeff and Deb drove around in Jeff’s car in complete silence. That doesn’t happen very often when I’m in the car. And when Jeff and Deb did talk, it was mostly about how annoying Jenni is—always talking about her big auditions, jobs she didn’t get, and how delusional I … I mean
she
, is.

Jeff and Deb got along great because Deb doesn’t talk about herself, her personal issues, her upcoming plans, auditions that aren’t happening, or dating. She just comes to work and gets things done. Deb isn’t afraid to speak her mind, and neither is Jeff, so when they get together, I think there’s a mutual respect that he and I don’t share on the same level. They’re a lot more alike than we are.

WWDS (WHAT WOULD DEB SAY?)

Just get it done.

Whatever doesn’t kill me, had better start running.

Kick yourself in the ass, or someone else will.

Man up, you pussy.

The difference between
try
and
triumph
is a little “umph.”

Buzz off.

Keep your problems to yourself. Twenty percent don’t care, eighty percent are glad you have ’em.

Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that shit and move on.

We are all born dumb, but you have to work real hard to stay stupid.

I have not met Mr. Right yet … but I have met Mr. Rude, Mr. Cheap, and Mr. Married.

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

… and she means it.

Deb says things with complete confidence and isn’t apologetic for her behavior. At one point, Jeff turned to me dressed as Deb and said, “Nobody is ever going to want to sleep with you again!”

Deb isn’t a big talker—she is more of a doer. She doesn’t say much, and mostly only speaks when she needs to. But what she says matters and has the intended impact. Of course, because of her rough-around-the-edges masculinity, most people think Deb is a lesbian—but she’s not. At least I don’t think so; she’s never told me she is. She’s just a tough woman who doesn’t take crap from anyone.

She gets pissed off all the time because she doesn’t have health insurance. She only works part-time, so she isn’t eligible, but Jeff doesn’t offer health insurance to anyone except Zoila anyway. And Deb could really use it because she blew her knee out in a softball accident. Plus, she smokes, which isn’t helping her lungs much either. Deb is the only person Jeff lets smoke in his office. He is enamored with her and lets her get away with everything!

Deb speaks the words I am often afraid to say. As you now know, I am a people pleaser who avoids saying things that make a situation really uncomfortable, but ultimately, sometimes those are the things we all need to hear. Like it or not, there is a need for confrontation in life. Through Deb, I’ve discovered that confrontation often leads to progress. I’ve never been that person, but Deb sure is. She is straightforward and unafraid to speak the truth or her mind about things as she sees them. Who hasn’t secretly wished to be more assertive, less afraid, and willing to take more chances? Perhaps some may see that kind of behavior as being a bitch. I see it as no-nonsense and a much simpler way of life.

Deb works hard for what she has. She doesn’t worry about a thing—ever. I could use a little of her BS-free way of thinking.

I thought it might be fun to get Deb’s take on life and living inside this crazy bitch’s body. So I sat down and interviewed her for the book. *Note to lawyers: Although Jenni has signed a nondisclosure with Jeff on what she can and cannot write about in this book, Deb has signed no such agreement and therefore is exercising her right to Freedom of Speech, under the First Amendment to the United States Constitution.

ME:
Thanks for sitting with me, Deb. Let’s get started. What is your take on me?

DEB:
You’ve got a pretty good heart and appear to be extremely determined. I like that you’ve become more fearless, but holy hell, you can be whiny and complaining. I am so tired of hearing you talk about all of the parts you didn’t get and the bullshit reasons why! I mean, just do it. This poor-me crap is old already. When you want something, you’ve got to stop your complaining and just do it. When you’re done, you can go and have a cigarette or whatever it is you do to celebrate.

ME:
Don’t hold back, tell me how you really feel!

DEB:
Okay. You want the truth? Here it is. You can be a little bitch sometimes. Do you think that squeaky voice is going to get you what you want? There are enough fruits and nuts in L.A. running around taking bullshit meetings that never amount to anything. I am busy, too, and you know what? I work for a prick that doesn’t offer health insurance, but you don’t hear me whining about it.

ME:
Speaking of bosses, what’s your take on Jeff Lewis?

DEB:
Jeff and I see eye to eye. He likes things the way he likes it. That’s his thing, so just deal with it. I don’t say a lot. I keep my head down and just do my work. When there is an altercation, it falls on me to break it up. A lot of people in that office have their heads up their ass. I can’t deal with other people’s incompetence any more than he can, but he is a little bit of a bitch, too. He is too crazy with his OCD crap, lining up his garbage cans and all of the bottles facing out in his fridge perfectly straight. I guess there is an ass for every saddle.

ME:
What do you think are my strengths?

DEB:
Your tits.

ME:
Thank you!

DEB:
You are good with people. I’m not really like that. There’s another thing Jeff and I have in common. I am better with animals—like a nice Rottweiler or German shepherd. I had a guinea pig growing up that I trained to attack people who pissed me off. My dad named her “Lady.”

ME:
What are my weaknesses?

DEB:
You worry and complain about stuff that doesn’t ever end up happening or existing. Not doing the work but talking and complaining about it, making people the enemy when they aren’t, causing more crap for yourself than you need. If you don’t like something about your situation, take action and change it. Don’t cry about it like a baby.

ME:
What’s it like to see me happy?

DEB:
It’s nice. All of that divorce wah, wah, wah stuff was getting old. A lot of people get divorced. It makes you like 52 percent of the women in this country. Deal with it. I understand that you suffered pain and humiliation. Everyone has pain, but you eventually pulled yourself up. It’s time you found happiness because you needed to calm the frick down. I like dealing with you a lot more these days than I did when you were a selfish train wreck. It’s like you’ve cut through the weeds and put in a nice landing strip. Plus, you found a great guy who has a nice ass.

ME:
How do you get through tough times?

DEB:
I go for a drive in my muscle car or watch Animal Planet or the Game Show Network. Life is short. You need to live it and appreciate every day.

ME:
One last question, Deb … What message would you want to give the reader as your takeaway?

DEB:
Man up. Get your shit together and don’t complain. Take responsibility for yourself. If you’re going to be a pussy, own it. No excuses.

11

Failing Forward and Lessons Learned

I have a strong
appreciation for the benefits of taking a wrong turn along the way.

When I was a junior in high school, I ran for student body treasurer and was elected by a landslide. This easy victory had me convinced that I could be student body president in my senior year, no problem. I was a pretty popular kid and my opponent was well liked, too. I gave my speech, which may have been a little too animated compared to her straightforward, no-nonsense, non-gimmicky approach. Looking back, gimmicks have never really served me, but I kept right on using them because I thought they made me memorable, lovable, and would land me the job. I thought I had the election in the bag, but I didn’t. I lost by five votes to her. Someone told me they saw one of my best friends cast a vote against me. How could she have done that? I was crushed and embarrassed. The defeat paralyzed me with fear. I couldn’t believe I’d lost the election. As a way to redeem myself, I ran for senior class president against a kid no one really knew. He was a quiet loner. I upped my gimmicks in my senior class speech believing there was no way I wouldn’t beat this guy. I had a chart with stick figures and points of why it was so obvious that I should win. I was shocked when the results were announced over the loudspeaker at school: I’d lost. I thought there had to be a mistake. I wanted a recount. Something had to be wrong.

Out of desperation, I decided to run for class senator. There was no official election for this role. It was more of an appointment. For sure I wouldn’t lose. Most great achievements come from meandering paths of misjudgment and false turns. I’ve heard author John C. Maxwell call it
failing forward.
This election experience was the beginning of a chronic series of failing-forward events that would end up shaping my future.

When we fail, we have the option of allowing that failure to hold us back or propel us forward. When you fail backward, you usually play the victim, blaming others for your mistakes. When you fail forward, you learn to take responsibility, learning from each mistake and understanding that each failure is a part of the process that leads to progress. In the end, failure leaves you with two choices: quit or learn and move forward. If you quit, you fail backward. If you choose to persevere with the knowledge you’ve gained, you fail forward.

The point is, you will have many failures and setbacks in order to achieve your goals … guaranteed! It’s how you choose to deal with failure that will determine your time in the winner’s circle. Look at life’s setbacks and learn from your mistakes. Learn to embrace failure when it happens and think of it as the breakfast of champions! Champions are not spared failure. They are made by their response to it.