Grin and Bear It: How to Be Happy No Matter What Reality Throws Your Way (13 page)

I was curious about the true definition of the word
boss
, so I looked it up in the dictionary. Here is what I found:

Some people only know how to manage through creating fear. They yell, scream, throw tantrums, and bully their way through every situation. They use negative language to get what they want—whether it’s the meeting of a deadline or the completion of a task they didn’t think was possible. Most people can’t handle being the target of negative language, so they freeze or, worse, completely shut down. When that happens, nothing gets done and no one can excel. The solution is simple: Address the problem and get rid of the fear. Focus on the job that needs to get done and just do it. That will usually mitigate the bullying. Don’t feed the monster by getting defensive, trying to prove you’re worthy and they’re wrong. If you do, they’ll always be able to keep you in that place of fear, believing you’re horrible at your job and can’t do anything right.

“You’re right, I did that,” is often a great place to start. Own it. They’ll have no place left to go with their anger because you aren’t throwing gasoline on the fire defending yourself. And if all else fails, make ’em laugh! Whenever possible, I try to deal with these types of people with humor because it’s a great diffuser. Even if I have to be the butt of a joke to break the tension, I’ll take that hit if it means moving forward. It relives the pressure and helps to put everyone back on track.

Jeff often finds it funny to ride me about my fashion sense, especially when it comes to what I wear to work. We all know he’s a true fashion plate, with his Mr. Rogers–inspired style, mom jeans, turned-up collars on his rotating assortment of Lacoste short-sleeve shirts, and rainbow-colored selection of Converse sneakers. It’s hard to compete with that, but I do my best to counter his
GQ
-ness with my Dora the Explorer style, or a
too-tight
jumpsuit that is too tight (which I deliberately wore to annoy Jeff because I’m pretty sure he could see my ovaries through it), or my salute to Korean fashion with a pant/skirt that had a crotch that came down to my knees (which drove Jeff crazy). I select my outfits based on how they make me feel or how entertaining they might be (and perhaps, at times, merely to get revenge…)

I spend a lot of time on job sites where sneakers and cargo pants are a more appropriate choice for my work wardrobe than say, a dress and heels. I have endured a contractor or
ten
looking up my skirt. I will admit that sometimes it is better to be in the right gear on the construction site. However, I like to get dressed up for work, especially when I know we’ll be seeing clients. Without fail, whenever I wear a skirt and high heels, Jeff makes me go up a ladder, on a roof, or down into an unfinished basement that’s still dirt or mud. It’s at these times Jeff’s familiar scowl breaks into a naughty little kid smile. He’s a grown-up man with a heart of a child.

I always try to make the job fun and find the joy, especially when the pressure is on. Conversely, I’ve noticed in certain professional settings, people will pit one person against another as a method of creating negative competition instead of cooperation. They invent a dust storm that makes everyone defensive and tense. Reigning through creative confusion is a way for this type of person to control a situation. Every day will bring unexpected turns to the left and then sudden ones to the right. OH MY GOD! How can we navigate a path through our workday that is sporadic and unpredictable?

Find a way!

Dealing with office politics is a lot like the shows
Survivor
or
Big Brother
: People make alliances to survive, and sometimes win. Even in a small office like ours, alliances are made! Alliances are caused by mutual self-interests. They’re about personal advancement or holding someone else back because they are threatened by their existence. It doesn’t really matter if you’re working at a large company or in someone’s living room, office politics are a no-win proposition. If you focus on creating or maintaining alliances to protect yourself as opposed to assisting your boss and doing your work, then you are absolutely misdirected. Steer clear of all the basic nonsense that doesn’t do anything but slow down your day and create more problems. Just do your job.

Things have a way of working out. I have done my fair share of stirring things up and then spent way too much time worrying about it for weeks at a time. It’s especially tricky when you are friends or social with your boss and/or co-workers because there is a very thin line between the personal and professional rapport. Never forget that any time you are out with people you work with, even if it is after hours, they are watching you. It helps to see gossip as a critic.

All gossip does is stir up panic. If you’re spending time around the water cooler, or on Facebook and Twitter gossiping about your co-workers, your teammates, it’s a sure sign that you are not at your desk doing your job. Who wants to spend their day looking over their shoulder, worrying if their job is somehow being compromised by someone else’s doubt or insecurities? Keeping your mouth shut and your eyes open takes discipline and practice.

If I so much as look at Jeff while he is badgering me on something, he’s got me. He wins. That’s when I go back to my to-do list and just do the work. It doesn’t matter to me that Jeff still asks me to get his 140-degree latte or replenish the mints in his tin that he keeps in his glove compartment. My own family’s business taught me that it’s everyone’s job to do whatever it takes to make the business work.

I am by no means a “yes” man employee, one who tells Jeff what he wants to hear instead of what he needs to hear. I have stood up to Jeff in certain situations, even if he doesn’t like what I have to say. If he is doing something that is out of line, I tell him so, whether it’s his behavior with me or someone else. Of course that can be scary, because what I say may be perceived as being inappropriate, which places me on the receiving end of a major personality eruption. Jeff does get mad at me, but at some point, twenty minutes or two days later, he sees that my speaking out was simply to get something done. I know he respects me for having the courage to step out of my comfort zone from time to time, even if it puts me in the line of fire. The key is to protect your boss and the business. They may not say it, but I am sure they will appreciate this about you.

TEN CAN’TS TO HELP YOU GET CANNED!

  1.  Can’t stop being an independent thinker

  2.  Can’t understand whatever your title is … it’s spelled S-E-R-V-A-N-T

  3.  Can’t perform because you feel underpaid

  4.  Can’t stop pouting because you don’t receive “positive reinforcement”

  5.  Can’t stop expecting premium health insurance

  6.  Can’t quit mirroring your boss if he is grumpy, defensive, or sarcastic

  7.  Can’t stop repeating “I’m entitled”

  8.  Can’t stop throwing co-workers under the bus to impress your boss

  9.  Can’t stop oversharing personal or business information

10.  Can’t stop telling your boss this job is only a “pit stop”

8

Work, Don’t Worry!

My mom has always
been a major worrier, which is why I am one, too. To be honest, I think this is a common trait amongst us Greeks. Her day-to-day existence seemed to be an endless cycle of cooking, worrying, cleaning, and worrying some more. This explains how my worrying blossomed into a full-blown epidemic. I became an expert at building up tremendous amounts of paranoia. When my dogs would be sick, for instance, I would fear the worst—a parasite!—when usually the problem could be solved with the smallest spoonful of Pepto-Bismol. Most of the time, 90 percent of whatever I worried about never came true. But what did come true were ulcers and acid reflux. Even though I knew this, I’d still find a way to spin things around in my head, feeding the negativity. I finally realized what this kind of worrying was doing to me. I had to stop and ask why I was putting myself through this in the first place? I was Chicken Little and the sky was always falling.

Believe it or not, it wasn’t until I began working with Jeff that I discovered what the true meaning of hard work and dedication were really all about. For the most part, he doesn’t worry about it, he just does it. Jeff works amazingly hard and spends his time pursuing the things he wants to achieve. The reason for his success is because he works at it. I am inspired by his drive, passion, and to-do lists. He gets an awesome amount accomplished in a day.

After surviving the massive humiliation of being dumped on national television, people around me began noticing a change. When I finally realized that all the time I’d spent complaining over the years could have been used working toward my goals, I kind of wished for that time back.

God has a mysterious way of giving us what we need when we need it. Sadly, the circumstances that I would face next would show me once and for all that there’s a great big world out there. I was newly single and living on my own when my sister Krisann was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Her prognosis wasn’t good. She had to have seventeen lymph nodes removed and undergo intensive chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I could see the impact my sister’s illness was having on our mother, who mostly suffered in silence as she tried to appear strong. I could also see the toll it was taking on Krisann’s husband, who despite being a wonderful physician couldn’t do anything to help his wife get better.

Krisann’s radiation therapy was going to take place in Los Angeles. Since she lives in Palm Springs, she stayed with me during the week while going through treatment and with her family on the weekends. At first, seeing her in pain was hard for me to deal with. I was still so wrapped up in my own pain and suffering that I wasn’t dialed into hers. I focused on “being busy” to escape the pain of watching my sister suffer. Despite her illness, she was supportive and cared about what was going on in my life. I was selfish, self-absorbed, and wasn’t the support she needed. I look back on my behavior and can share that it taught me the true meaning of recognizing what is really important.

I watched my sister face her biggest fear: getting cancer. She had worried for years that she would get sick and that worry turned into a reality. The day that she embraced that she may die I believe her life changed forever. She buried worry and in turn worry did not bury her.

When Krisann first got sick, I could see the dramatic impact it had on all of her children, but it was especially hard on her youngest boy, Christian. The day my sister had her first surgery, I picked him up from school. He was angry, terrified, and confused. I did what I could to offer him comfort, but at the time I couldn’t offer Christian what he needed the most—to be with his mom. It was a really difficult time for him. To cope, he channeled his emotions into learning to play the piano all on his own. We discovered he was blessed with a God-given gift—a talent he might never have known had his mom not gotten sick.

After Krisann was diagnosed, the one thing that kept her going was wanting to be there for her children. I have a tremendous amount of respect for my sister and brother-in-law—their commitment and dedication to their three boys is inspiring. Their son Nicholas, then fifteen, has special needs. He has a brain tumor, suffers from multiple seizures daily, and has autistic characteristics. Now eighteen, Nicholas can’t really communicate but goes to school and engages in multiple activities. He has touched so many lives around him, and despite his challenges and daily pain, he is a remarkably happy and optimistic young man.

We knew the one thing that devastated Krisann while going through chemo was losing her hair from the treatments. Growing up, I was blessed with a frizzy, unmanageable mop while my sister had a beautiful head of flowing hair. Coming together as a family meant we could face whatever obstacles life threw our way. We decided to take pictures of every family member, including my two dogs, wearing horrible wigs, which provided much-needed laughter. My family’s shared faith allowed this silliness to be an option at an unbelievably difficult time.

During her treatment, I had to go to New York to shoot promos for Bravo’s “Summer by Bravo” campaign. (There are many members of the “Bravo Circus” who convene under one roof for these campaigns, led by our fearless ringmaster Andy Cohen. Jeff has been soaked year after year—a prank that never gets old.) Over the years I have become friendly with many under the Bravo Big Top, one of whom is Tabatha Coffey, hair genius and star of
Tabatha Takes Over
. During the filming of the summer campaign I had a scene with her where we were fencing and she cut my hair with her sword into a beautiful shoulder bob. I mentioned that my sister had lost her hair in her battle with cancer and she had a hard time finding a wig that looked and felt real.

I was stunned when two days later a wig from Tabatha appeared at my sister’s front door. Krisann’s spirit was lifted by this incredibly kind gesture. I later learned that Tabatha lost her mother to cancer a few weeks after we were filming in New York. And it blew me away, how some people move through the world thinking about others despite their personal pain. I wanted to be someone who genuinely cared about others and showed it—someone who made good things happen for other people.

I got the opportunity to do this when I met Abbey Curran at the Inspirational Women of the Year Awards sponsored by Susan G. Komen. Abbey was receiving an award for her service. This firecracker of a young woman won the title of Miss Iowa USA 2008 despite her cerebral palsy. For the last ten years she has built the Miss You Can Do It Pageant for girls ages 4–24 with disabilities. What ignited my spirit about this event was how each and every one of these girls, despite their severe disabilities, did not embrace defeat. They exuded joy. Pure joy. Had they been teased and told the BIG 3 (Not Good Enough)? It is safe to say every single day. Were the odds against them? And then some! Were they told they could never have the desires of their heart? In stereo!