“Why? Because I was
nothing
? Because I was a pathetic excuse for a human? Because there would never be anyone more important in my life than myself?”
He threw all the words back at her with the same violence she’d once used to fling them at him. And they hit their mark. Shame sizzled through her again and she dropped her gaze.
Please, oh, please, she couldn’t throw up. Even if her stomach was madly tossing around the dinner she’d eaten.
Those words were pretty awful. How had she ever said them that day, no matter how furious or hurt she’d been?
“Tell me. Did you know you were pregnant when you left the island?”
“No. I didn’t find out until shortly after arriving in Japan.”
“And it never occurred to you that I might want to know?” he snarled. “All this time. I had so much guilt for being an asshole. For having a fling with our friend that I can’t even remember.” He shook his head. “But this is so much worse. This is
my child
.”
The horror and devastation on his face was hard to see, and the guilt rising in her throat threatened to choke her.
“I hated you when I left.” It was a shitty explanation, but it was the only one she had. “My dad kept telling me I couldn’t trust you, and that you wouldn’t have been able to handle being a father.”
“Your dad would tell you anything to turn you against me. He hated me!”
“He was trying to do what was best for me and Emily. You would’ve resented having a child thrust on you.”
“
No
. Don’t speak for me, Sarah. Don’t be my voice.” He strode forward, the look on his face so savage she stumbled backward against the wall. “Fucking hell, you already made a choice for me that you had to no right to make. I would never have turned my back on my kid. If you knew me at all, you would’ve realized that.”
Yes. She did know that. Now. She hadn’t been in the emotional place to process it at the time. But after Emily was born and life had settled down a bit, it had sunk in.
Family was everything to the McLaughlins. Of course Ian would have wanted to know. And she’d nearly told him at one point.
She trembled at his proximity. Her lashes fluttered closed—which only made it worse as she breathed in the familiar scent of him. He consumed her with his fury.
“I almost called you,” she choked out. “Emily had just turned one, and I had started to regret not telling you. Not giving you the chance to see how amazing our little girl was. I wanted you to at least decide if you wanted to be a part of her life.”
His hand closed over her shoulder and then he trailed his fingers toward her neck.
“You’re killing me. Every word out of your mouth is killing me,” he muttered raggedly, his thumb sweeping over the rapid pulse in her neck. “What stopped you from calling me?”
He wouldn’t hurt her. Still, she knew, even though she could sense the violence barely leashed inside him.
The lump in her throat grew. “My dad. He discovered I was going to contact you, and handed me a printout of a background check on you.”
She opened her eyes and watched realization flicker on his face, and then the dejection.
“Ah. So you knew I had a felony on my record before I told you the other day.”
“Yes. And when I learned…I had to think of Emily, not just myself. Maybe it sounds horrible, but it reaffirmed I’d made the right choice by deciding to raise Emily by myself.”
“But you didn’t raise her by yourself, did you?” He laughed harshly and thrust away from her, as if he couldn’t stand to be near her anymore. “You married some other sucker and told Emily he was her dad.”
Some other sucker. Ouch. The blows kept coming.
And
you deserve them
.
“No. I mean, yes to part of it. I married someone else my dad introduced me to. But I never led Emily to believe he was her dad.”
“Ah. Which would be why she refers to him as Neil. How convenient.”
She blinked away the tears that burned, because she would not cry right now. Though, oh Lord, she was so close to it. He had no idea what she’d been through.
“My life was anything but convenient,” she said quietly, reaching the threshold for his verbal attack. Whether it was deserved or not. “Whether you believe me or not, my life was a personal hell.”
Ian couldn’t hide another laugh of dismay.
Oh that was just grand. Sarah was trying to make herself into a victim. What a surprise. Or not really.
Nothing could surprise him much at this point.
It really didn’t get much worse than discovering you’d been chatting to a ten-year-old child who turned about to be the
daughter you’d never known about
.
He couldn’t even bring himself to reply to what could only be Sarah’s attempt at getting his pity. Right about now pity was the last emotion he felt for her.
His emotions toward her ran the gauntlet. Something so close to hate vibrated through him, but beneath it, barely breathing, was the ember of that hopeless ache for her that linked them.
Even vulnerable, distraught and visibly close to tears she was lovely. And so delicate.
Despite his rage, there was still that confounding gut-level instinct to want to comfort her. To pull her into his arms and hold her. To do what he could to take away the distress and guilt from her face. To forgive her.
Which is how you know you’ve drunk the Kool-Aid, mate
.
Sarah didn’t deserve his pity. She didn’t deserve anything from him but disgust.
Had he ever really known her? How could he have loved—and thought he was falling in love with again—a woman who could keep such a massive, life-changing secret from him?
“Ian, you were never supposed to know.” Her words sounded half-assed now. As if she just wanted him to say it was okay and that he could understand why she’d done what she had.
He doubted he would ever be okay, but as much as he hated to admit it, he
could
almost understand her choices. Could see her how she’d rationalized it.
Who wanted their kid to have a felon for a father?
“It’s why I didn’t bring her to the island when I came. Why I’ve never come back until now,” she continued. “If you’d never found out, you’d be oblivious.”
“Oblivious through your doing. And unfortunately, I’m not oblivious anymore. I’m—” He shook his head, thrusting his fingers through his hair, “—not even sure what the hell I am. Or who I am. Though, apparently, I’m a father.”
Fuck it all.
A manic laugh exploded from his throat and again he had to curl his hands into fists.
She shook her head and her voice was low as she said, “Listen, you don’t have to keep saying that. I don’t expect anything from you. I know you don’t want kids.”
“Now how the hell would you know that?”
Dismay flickered across her face. “Are you serious? You told me just this morning you didn’t want any.”
He dismissed her words with a wave of his hand. “It’s habitual. I’ve said it for so long, it’s just what I say.”
That seemed to really take the wind from her sail. She reared back, fear flashing in her eyes now.
“I don’t understand. What do you want from us, Ian? What do you want me to do?”
That was a loaded question. Christ, he didn’t even know himself.
“I don’t know, honestly. I need to think.”
She nodded. “Me too.”
This time he bit back the snort of disdain. “No. What could you possibly have to think about now? The ball is in
my
court, doll. You have no right to try and call the shots from here on out. Got it?”
The fear amplified in her eyes. “You’re not going to take my daughter from me.”
She moved quickly toward the front door, but he intercepted her—suspecting she was going to find Emily. He caught her arm and swung her back around with more momentum than needed and her body crushed against his.
Sarah tried to shove at his chest to get away, but he caught her wrists to keep her still. Her words still resounded in his head.
“Your daughter? Try our daughter. It’s a reality you’d better bloody well start getting used to.”
The fight left her in an instant and she gave a strangled sob. Instead of pulling away, her weight crumpled against him and her head brushed against his chest.
Instinct had him releasing a wrist and sliding a hand up her back. It was an unintended gesture of comfort as he struggled with his thoughts. Having her in his arms—broken and afraid—he was all too aware of himself as a man against her small, feminine frame.
It was too easy to remember them in bed together. To envision her surrender and cries of pleasure as she lay beneath him.
No.
He clenched his jaw at the way his blood immediately began to heat. He needed to remember the circumstances. This wasn’t just about him and Sarah. There was Emily now.
A sudden thought sent tension spiraling through him and he eased his hand up to the back of her neck. His fingers stroked in a gentle warning.
“Don’t even think about leaving the island again, Sarah—of taking Emily and leaving.”
She hesitated a bit too long for his liking, before she answered with a husky, “No, I wasn’t going to.”
“Because if you do,” he continued, his tone soft and dark with warning, “I
will
track you down. And I promise I won’t be happy.”
Sarah lifted her head and met his gaze. Her eyes were void of emotion. “I won’t leave. Besides, I can’t break the conditions of inheriting the house. I’m here for the month.”
Three more weeks? It was suddenly like sand slipping through an hourglass. A ticking clock before she planned to take Emily and leave him again.
That wouldn’t happen. He’d drag her through every court if needed before he let that happen.
Caught in the crystalline blue of her eyes—and realizing he wouldn’t find any answers there—he released her abruptly and strode toward the door.
“I can’t be near you right now, Sarah, but we’re nowhere near done discussing this.”
Chapter Fourteen
It wasn’t due to a natural disaster. There’d been no death in the family. But for the first time in years, the McLaughlin Pub was closed for business. At least it was for the next hour.
“You didn’t have to do this.” Ian sat at one of the round tables in the pub, hands folded on the polished wood surface.
“Aye, I did,” Aleck murmured grimly as he set up a Skype session on his laptop with their parents across the pond. “Family first.”
“Absolutely. Family first.” Kenzie had placed herself to his right and would occasionally squeeze his shoulder.
Colin sat at his left, quiet and seeming deep in thought, but their gazes would meet and Ian could see his twin was disturbed by the news of the night.
“Besides, we don’t get busy until near ten anyway,” Aleck murmured. “All right. I think we’ve got them. Can you see and hear us all right, Da? Ma?”
“Aye.” Their father nodded. “We can hear ya just fine, son.”
Hit with a pang of guilt, Ian observed his parents with their mugs of steaming tea, sitting at the table in their kitchen.
Even though it had to be the wee small hours of the morning in Edinburgh, their parents looked alert and properly concerned.
“Hello, you two.” Ian didn’t have to force the slight smile, or his next words. “It’s always lovely to see you both—even if it’s on the laptop screen. And I’ll thank you for waking up to chat with us.”
Their mother gave a loud, cheerful laugh. “Well, you send us a text calmly informing us we’re grandparents of a ten-year-old, and aye, we’ll wake up right early for the details.”
“Aye, we will. I’m still trying to understand why the lass didn’t tell you, Ian.” Dismay shone clear on their father’s face.
Kenzie snorted. “Join the club. I’m her best friend and she never once even hinted at the fact.”
“Well, if she didn’t find it important to tell the father of her child, it seems unlikely she’d spill the beans to you.” Colin grinned and blew the wrapper off a straw at his sister, before plunking the straw into an iced beverage. “Even though I know you’re good mates and all.”
She crumpled the wrapper and tossed it back at him. “I’ll thank you to keep your sarcasm to yourself, dork.”
Ian’s lips twitched. Ah, and this is why he loved his family. He would be an utter mess without them right now.
It was a Friday night, and they were having a family meeting. Ian would’ve never asked Aleck to close the bar on one of the busiest nights of the week during the summer season.
And in the end he hadn’t needed to, because Kenzie had done it. She’d seen how torn up and angry he was. How much he needed advice and a thread of normalcy in his suddenly chaotic life.
Word had spread quickly among the McLaughlins about Emily.
After leaving Sarah’s, Ian had found Kenzie and asked her to get the word out to the family and see if anyone had a free moment. The most he’d been hoping for was a few minutes of their time to garner some advice.
He should’ve known better. His family always rallied for one another. Aleck had texted their parents, and hung a sign on the door that said the bar would be closed until nine p.m. due to a family emergency.