GLBTQ (16 page)

Among the most common misconceptions about GLBTQ people is that we always pair off according to type—butch with femme. Thankfully, with today's younger generation, these ideas are starting to change. Words like butch (people having a traditionally masculine gender expression) and femme (people having a traditionally feminine gender expression) don't even begin to take into account the full spectrum of GLBTQ people; many don't consider themselves to be one or the other. Also, attraction just is, whether you're GLBTQ or straight. Even if your taste leans one way or the other, who you end up with may very well surprise you.

The concepts of butch and femme have been around a long time. In the past, they were often used as a visible means of declaring an interest in the same sex. The roles of butch and femme continue to influence some GLBTQ relationships, and there's nothing wrong with that. But they definitely don't have to.

These stereotypes also color the perception many straight people have about GLBTQ relationships. Many of the ideas are based on the concept that there has to be a male and a female in every relationship, and regardless of the sex or gender of those involved, each must take one of these roles. The truth is, so many people have been operating with these traditions for so long that they started to think of them as laws of nature. But they're not.

Some people choose this kind of dynamic in their relationships. But you also have a choice—you can be in a relationship with anyone regardless of what labels you take for yourselves, even if you don't take any labels at all.

Been There:

“The dynamics of queer relationships aren't talked about very often. Ideas of butch and femme within relationships are things that are stereotyped about the queer community, but rarely addressed in a plain way. At least in my experience of being bisexual, it can be really confusing to feel like there are specific male/female roles in a different-sex relationship and then not to have that framework, or familiarity, in same-sex relationships.”
—Gwen, 18

Meeting other queer teens can be difficult, but it also might not be as hard as you think. If you decide that it's time to date, be sure that you're safe in how and where you meet people. Some young people, distressed about being GLBTQ or just desperate to meet someone else who is, hook up with the first person who pays them attention.

Just like any dating situation, sometimes people don't have your best interests at heart. Although it's the exception rather than the rule, sometimes older and more experienced GLBTQ people take advantage of those who are younger or less experienced. These older individuals might offer teens sympathy and compassion while luring them into sexual situations. Sometimes they try to convince others that having sex will make them feel better or help them figure out who they are. It can be very comforting and flattering to have someone listen and pay attention to you—maybe he's the first queer person who's shown an interest in you. But take time to think about whether that person is thinking about you or about his own interests and agenda.

It's great to hold hands with your sweetie or give her a little kiss while you're walking down the street. Unfortunately, public displays of affection (PDA) aren't something that queer people can always take for granted. It's important, especially as a young person, to be aware of where you are and who else is around.

It's one thing for your hand-holding to cause Grandma's jaw to drop in surprise. It's another for the action to attract the attention of people who might want to hurt you. That's not to say you can never give a smooch or put your arm around your guy in public. Just be smart about where you are and who is around. If PDA could cause a safety issue, you may want to give it a second thought. It's a lot better if the date is memorable because it went so well than because someone got hurt.

Homophobes aren't lurking in every shadow, but they are out there—including some who are dangerous. Unless you're on extremely familiar or otherwise safe turf, like a GLBTQ establishment or event, before leaning in for a peck, do a quick check of your surroundings.

• Are a lot of people close by?
  
• What's the feeling you get from them by looking at them? What are your instincts telling you?
  
• Are people minding their own business, or do they seem a little too interested in yours?
  
• Are you in a place that's open or easily accessible, or are you in a confined space where it would be tough to leave quickly?
  

Keep in mind that the degree to which you're open about your identity will always be up to you. Be realistic about your safety. Hopefully, before too long, society will discover other things to worry about and a little queer PDA won't cause a second glance.

Even if you're not overtly displaying affection, people might know by looking at you and a date that you're out together. It might draw some attention. For example, maybe the woman at the table next to you nearly dropped her fork when you reached over and touched your date's hand. Assuming you're in a safe situation, it's up to you to decide whether you're comfortable with that.

Maybe you couldn't care less and say, “Let them stare until their eyes dry out.” But if you're uncomfortable, this might be one of those times to remind yourself that there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with being GLBTQ. It's natural to feel self-conscious when you start dating. In fact, queer or straight, young or old, most people feel self-conscious on first dates. Don't worry—it will get better. The longer you're out, the more comfortable with yourself you'll be.

And don't assume people are looking because they're upset or shocked. Maybe they think you make a cute couple, or perhaps the woman who almost dropped her fork became lost in thought wishing her daughter could find such a nice girl. You never know.

Sadly, not all love stories end happily. All romantic relationships can run into problems, and those between GLBTQ people are no different. Dealing with a breakup can be rough. Sometimes it can be tougher for queer teens because you might have limited options for people to talk with about the breakup.

If you're going through a breakup, it's important to do things to take care of yourself. Here are some tips for getting through what can be a difficult time.

1. Don't act like it didn't happen.
Breakups hurt—that's why the word starts with “break.” It's okay and natural to be upset.

2. Let it out.
It's important not to bottle up your feelings. Write a top 10 list in your journal of why you're upset. Turn up your MP3 player and sing along at the top of your lungs to the most depressing or empowering songs you can find. Go for a run and tackle the toughest hill in the neighborhood. Express your feelings and release strong emotions in healthy ways.

3. Talk a good friend's ear off.
Sharing your thoughts with another person can help you decompress. Don't forget your friends online, too. Reach out for some cyber support.

4. Take care of yourself.
The worse you feel, the more important it is to show yourself some TLC. Try to eat well, stay hydrated, exercise, and get enough sleep. Maybe pamper yourself with a bubble bath and a good book or try yoga and meditation—whatever helps you relax and process the intense emotions you're experiencing.

5. Take it one day at a time.
You won't be over a breakup in a day, or even two. But time does help, and you
will
start to feel better. You might even be ready to stop sticking pins into that little doll named after your ex. Seriously, though, breakups are part of life. They're hard, but they provide learning experiences and help shape who you are. Reflect on what you can learn from the experience.

In addition to the usual breakup complications, GLBTQ teens sometimes have another issue to face—people who know about the breakup might be pretty insensitive. Unfortunately, some people don't think queer relationships are as meaningful and valid as straight relationships. When you go through a breakup, they may not understand why you're so upset.

These people might say uninformed things, like encourage you to give being straight “another chance.” Dealing with issues like that can be annoying and painful when you're trying to mend a broken heart.

Dating violence can involve physical harm and sexual assault, such as nonconsensual sexual activity and rape. It can also include psychological or emotional abuse—including controlling behaviors or jealousy. Both female and male teens can be victims and/or perpetrators of dating violence. Although little research exists on dating violence among queer teens, research on same-gender violence among GLBTQ adults shows violence patterns similar to those among heterosexual adults.

More than 20 percent of adolescents say they've experienced emotional abuse or physical violence from an intimate partner. And this number is thought to be underreported, perhaps due to shame about being in an abusive relationship, concern about the abusive partner finding out, or fear of losing the relationship. Those in same-sex relationships sometimes are reluctant to report abuse because they aren't ready to come out about their sexual orientation. Some researchers estimate that it's closer to 30 percent of adolescents who have been harmed by partners.

Abuse between male partners may be overlooked because a conflict between men might be considered a fair fight. This is simply not true. Abuse of any kind is
never
acceptable. According to data from the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, those who reported abuse in GLBTQ relationships are almost equally divided between male and female.

Dating violence for GLBTQ young people is very similar to abuse and violence in straight teen relationships, but queer teens may face additional challenges. They may have to deal with homophobia and ignorance about GLBTQ relationships. Abusive partners also might threaten to out the person being abused.

GLBTQ teens might struggle with ideas of what relationships should be like because relatively few positive queer role models are available. This can make abuse harder to recognize because victims don't expect it or see it addressed in GLBTQ relationships. No matter who you're dating, you have the right to be treated with respect by your partner. There is no excuse for abusive behavior of any kind, period.

Been There:

“The healthiest relationships are based on mutual respect. They are partnerships that give you energy and bring intimacy into life without harming your other relationships.”
—Jeremy, 20