FrostFire (26 page)

A
rian was gone when I woke.

I sat up in the mess of bedding where we had huddled together in the night, clutching at each other for comfort like the abandoned orphans that we were, and covered my face with both hands. I wanted to scream and sob and wail. But, just as the night before, I could not seem to find my tears. It was as if they had dissolved into my blood along with the overpowering emotions still surging there. My eyes were as dry and gritty as if they were full of sand. There was no relief from the crushing sorrow.

Then I realized: Rani had not called me in the night.

Luca was alive.

A starburst of golden exultation exploded inside me. I leaped out of the bedroll – I had fallen asleep fully dressed – and ran outside.

The moment I left the tent, I knew that Livia or Rani had informed the hill guards about Luca. An air of grim watchfulness hung over the camp. It was long past dawn, but no one made any pretence at following the normal drills or doing chores. Hill guards gathered in groups outside their tents, talking quietly, their faces turned towards the healer’s tent. As I passed them I received nods and bows and grave, grateful looks. I nodded back uncomfortably as I hurried to Livia’s tent.

Inside, Luca lay with his bandaged hands folded on top of a blanket; the wounds on his face were hidden under layers of white cloth. The rags we had found him in had been replaced by a clean, white shirt, and the dirt had been combed out of his shorn hair so that it glowed on the pillow, like a halo of light. His breath – a dry, almost imperceptible crackle – was the loudest noise in the space. His swollen eyes were fast shut.

Rani was asleep too: a blanket-covered lump in Livia’s bed. Arian sat on the floor by Luca, his legs folded up to leave space for Livia, who had taken a low stool near by and was mashing herbs into a paste. They both looked up as I came in. Livia gave me a weary smile. Arian’s gaze slid away from mine, and he shifted a little and leaned over Luca, as if to readjust the blanket. The scene was peaceful and normal, and although my heart ached at the sight of Luca’s bandages, my joy that he had beaten the odds was enough to soothe it. He was going to be all right.

Then Luca screamed.

The hoarse, agonized cry was so terrible that at first I didn’t even realize there were words in it. And as soon as I understood them, I wished I hadn’t.

“Ion, no! Please, Ion!
Ion!
”

Luca was staring right at Arian, his bound-up hands scrabbling at the sheets. Arian shot to his feet, almost falling in his haste to get away, as Rani jerked upright in the bedroll. Livia had dropped her pestle and mortar and made no effort to retrieve them. They all stared at Luca in horror, seemingly frozen.

I did the only thing I could think of.

I sat down in the space Arian had left.

“Shh,” I murmured, taking one of Luca’s bandaged hands in mine. I kissed the tips of his fingers – the only part I could get to – and gently brushed my fingers through the soft remnants of his hair. “Luca, you’re safe. You’re home. You’re home with me.”

Luca stopped struggling. He turned towards the sound of my voice, the bruised slits of his eyes falling closed. Tears trickled out, soaking into the bandages on his face. I carried on stroking his hair and talking nonsense until the tension had leached out of his body and he went limp again.

Life in the hill-guard camp continued in a strange repeating pattern. The soldiers drilled and practised, cared for their weapons and armour, and carried out the patrols that Luca had ordered before he went on his last rescue mission. No one suggested leaving, or sending to the king for further orders. No one else offered to take charge. Everyone was waiting. Waiting for Luca to wake.

Three days passed, during which Luca’s fever rose and fell, rose and fell again. Rani and Livia worked desperately to coax him to take food and water and medicine, and it seemed to do some good. The wounds in his cheeks stopped seeping and closed over, and finally his temperature broke.

For a little while Livia was jubilant. But Luca still didn’t wake. When he did open his eyes it was in terror, shouting his brother’s name. At times like that I was the only one who could calm him. I wanted to believe it was because Luca recognized me, but I didn’t know how that could be when he didn’t even seem to realize where he was.

After that first day, Arian was reluctant to re-enter the tent. He visited several times and hovered, half in and half out, his eyes always fixed on Luca with a look that I couldn’t interpret. He came again on the eighth day after Luca’s fever broke, while Rani was catching a few moments’ sleep. Livia – having assured me with some tartness that she had no trouble carrying a mere food tray – had gone to fetch breakfast. I didn’t think it was my imagination that Livia’s injured arm was slowly gaining strength. But I could just have been comforting myself again.

“You should take a turn sitting with him,” I whispered to Arian, not wanting to disturb Rani’s well-deserved rest.

Arian was staring at Luca as if he had never seen him before. “His face…?”

I nodded. “The infection’s gone. The only thing that’ll make it better now is time.”

Rani had removed Luca’s bandages the day before. The wounds on his hands and body were closed and pink, the bruises faded to faint yellowish smudges, barely discernable. The swelling of his face was almost entirely gone. Only the burns remained red and encrusted. There was no reason why Luca shouldn’t come back to himself, open his eyes and get up.

Unless he didn’t want to.

“Rani says Luca might be able to hear our voices,” I persisted. “Having you near by would comfort him.”

“I’d only frighten him again. It’s you he wants.” Arian shrugged. “Can’t blame him.”

He left before I could ask him what he meant.

That evening I persuaded Livia and Rani to go for a walk together after dinner. I told them – and myself – that it was because they were both exhausted by caring for Luca, and they needed some time away from the healing tent. It was only when they were gone that I admitted to myself why I was so determined they should go.

Alone with Luca for the first time since we had found him, I took up his hand and held it, pressing a kiss to the palm, and then to each of his fingertips. His strong, slender hand felt all wrong, in mine, bony and fragile. It was as if he were shrinking away inside himself, just as Ma had done. I couldn’t stand it.

“I miss you so much, Luca. I didn’t know I could miss anyone like this. All my life I’ve been alone. It was only when you made me stay here, when you made me one of your men and one of your friends that I knew what it was to be … something else. To be something that wasn’t frightened and lonely and always looking for a way to escape. I don’t want to be that person again. I need you to wake up. Please wake up. Please, Luca. Wake up for me. Because … because…” – I clutched his hand between both of mine – “I love you.”

There was no response. Nothing. His face was as still and lifeless as wax death mask.

The tears came then, at long last. They trickled down my face, almost scalding my cold skin. I hunched over him in helpless, wracking sobs that made my ribs ache. I felt the drift of cold air around the back of my neck, but I didn’t register that someone had entered the tent until a hand came to rest lightly on my shoulder. I lifted my face, expecting Livia or Rani, and choked on my tears when I saw Arian standing over me.

“I can’t – I can’t—” I shook my head frantically, my fingers tightening around Luca’s until I could feel my bones grinding against his. Something had come loose inside me. I couldn’t stop crying.

Arian folded himself, with difficulty, into the space next to me. He shoved Livia’s stool out of the way, and put his arm around my shoulder, pressing my face into the hollow of his neck. He uttered none of the soothing lies that Livia and Rani showered me with. He didn’t even look at me at first, though the grip of his arm was tight. I was grateful for that. I leaned against him, accepting his support as I struggled to get myself back under control.

After a moment, he bent his head and kissed me.

It was strangely awkward to start with, that meeting of mouths. Like the fumbling affection of a child who tries to imitate what he has seen adults do. But slowly the warmth of him seeped into me. The comfort of his solid frame allowed me to relax for the first time in weeks and I was able to let go, instead of holding myself painfully upright, straight and strong. We were jammed into the tiny space, barely able to move, but one of his hands gently traced the shape of my face, and I could feel his fingers trembling, and his shuddering breaths. Unconsciously my lips parted. I sighed into the kiss, aching, longing to just … forget. Forget sorrow, worry, pain and fear. Forget myself.

Forget Luca.

Luca. Whose hand still lay clasped in one of mine. Luca, with his reckless, brilliant smile, and his blue-gold eyes. Luca, with his terrible scars and shaven head.

Luca, whom I loved.

I went rigid. I let go of Luca’s hand at once and eased both my hands between me and Arian, pushing him gently but firmly away. We stared at each other in silence. Arian’s face, for once free of its icy blankness, was a study in conflict, guilt furrowing his forehead and tightening his mouth.

“Arian … I…”

Luca’s low, even breathing hitched, the rhythm speeding as if with effort. As I turned my head, his eyelids flickered. Then opened.

I knew straight away that this was not like the false awakenings of before. This time Luca was really awake. This time he was
seeing
me. For a long, heart-still moment, we looked into each other, and I saw everything I had ever wanted in those night-sky eyes.

Then a frown moved across his face. His gaze sharpened as it flicked to Arian and then back to me. I realized with a lurch of my stomach how it must look. Arian’s hands were cupping the back of my shoulders and mine were resting on his chest. Both our lips were moist and a little swollen. Arian’s guilty face was the most telling thing of all.

Luca lifted his hand, fingers shaking as they made contact with the thick, raised scabs on his cheeks.

His eyes squeezed closed and he muttered, voice dry and hoarse, “Ion told me … he had seen Arian with a girl. With you. Taunted me, when he realized it meant something. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe him.” His eyes snapped open, and I flinched from the look of betrayal there. “But it was true.”

“Luca, it isn’t—”

“Get out!” he yelled, his voice breaking. He rolled over to get as far from me as possible, wrapping his arms around his head. “Get out of my sight!”

I eased to my feet but didn’t move, caught between running for help and trying to calm Luca down. Arian hovered beside me. Before I could make up my mind I heard footsteps outside and Rani thrust the flap back to rush into the tent. “What happened?”

“I – he woke up, and for a moment he seemed fine, then—”

“He’s still delirious,” Arian said, as Livia came in. “He must be. He can’t really think—”

“Get her out,” Luca’s voice cut through ours. “I don’t want them in here. I don’t want her anywhere near me.
Get them out!
”

Rani got down next to the bed and gave me a look that was a mixture of panic and pleading.

“It’s all right,” I said, stumbling back. “I’ll go.”

Arian followed me from the tent, hands reaching out to steady me. I jerked away from him.

“I’m sorry,” he said. His voice was low, almost trembling. “I’m sorry. This – this isn’t like Luca. I’ll explain everything to him. He’ll understand.”

I shook my head, my ears still burning with the hatred in Luca’s voice.
I don’t want them in here. I don’t want her anywhere near me. Get them out.

Livia pushed open the flap. I looked past her. Luca was sat up in the bed now. He was staring at me. I took a step forward.

He turned his face away.

Livia let the flap fall closed behind her. She was white and shaken.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “He’s really awake this time. He … just doesn’t want to see you, Frost.”

“Let me talk to him,” Arian said.

Livia shook her head. “He doesn’t want to see you, either. He said – Arian, he said you’re relieved of command. He wants us to bring Hind.”

Arian’s head snapped back as if he had been struck. His eyes closed, jaw clenching. There was an awful silence.

“He’s only just woken up,” Livia said. “Maybe he’s confused. This doesn’t mean—”

“Yes, it does,” I said dully. I turned and walked away.

T
he morning bell clanged distantly. All around me the other women in the barrack tent stirred, pushed their blankets back and stretched. On my left, Hind yawned hard enough to make her jaw crack. After a moment’s hesitation, she leaned over and touched my shoulder.

“Frost? Are you awake?”

“My eyes are open,” I said tonelessly, easing into a sitting position.

Curly strands of hair were working lose of Hind’s intricate braids, giving her a wildly curling fringe. Added to the black cloth patch over her eye, it lent her a raffish air that seemed strangely at odds with the quieter, more sober person she had become since the ambush. It was hard to remember that not long ago I had been horribly jealous of Hind. In the wake of Luca’s rejection I had finally realized how foolish that was. He would never have betrayed me with Hind, who didn’t even like men in that way. He would never have betrayed me with anyone.

Until I betrayed him.

Hind pulled off the patch, worn at night to prevent her from rubbing at her still healing eye, and revealed the livid red scar that bisected her eyelid; the iris was still surrounded by a corona of burst blood vessels. She blinked rapidly as she adjusted to the light. Her other eye, fixed on me, was uncomfortably sharp.

“It will get better,” she said. “It’s only been a week.”

“I know.” I pushed the blankets away and stood up. “I know.”

We headed down to the river in a sleepy-eyed, chattering crowd. Everyone washed hastily in the night-chilled water before streaming back through camp towards the mess, where warm cooking smells revived us. I let myself be swept along by them, voices, laughter and faces blurring together. As we reached the mess – two smaller tents now, pitched side by side with their backs pinned together to make space enough for everyone – Hind gave me a bracing thump on the shoulder and then peeled off. I didn’t look to see where she went.

I sat down at an empty table in the farthest corner, leaning my elbows on the unpolished wood and putting my head in my hands. After a few minutes, Livia and Rani joined me there. Silently, Rani slid three dishes off her own tray towards me, and put a cup of aniseed tea down at my elbow. Both women began to eat while I tried to make sense of the pattern of knots in the wood.

“At least drink your tea,” Livia said.

I looked up, meaning to answer – but the words died on my tongue as I saw Luca on the other side of the mess. Hind was on his left. She was eating mechanically, her gaze seemingly fixed on the tent wall, as if she wanted to be somewhere else. I could see why. Arian was there, too. He was talking to Luca earnestly, his hands held out in a gesture that was close to begging. It was impossible to tell whether Luca was listening or not. His eyes were downturned and the layers of fresh white cloth hid most of his face.

Livia and Rani weren’t responsible for those bandages. They had been on when Luca had emerged from his own tent the day after he had seen me and Arian together, and they had never left his face since. Not when he ate. Not when he sparred with various members of the hill guard, viciously attacking and defeating one after another until his muscles were visibly trembling and sweat was dripping from his shorn head. Not when he hit Dinesh in the face and broke his nose, and the blood spurted everywhere, soaking the white cloth on Luca’s wounds. Not even – the story went – when he went down to the river to bathe. Each morning the bandages were fresh and clean again, but no one had seen Luca so much as touch them in public.

I was staring at the bandages so intently that at first I didn’t realize Luca’s eyes had lifted from the table.

He was looking at me.

My breath left me all in a rush, and I started up, legs trembling. I could not see what was in Luca’s eyes, but this was the first time he had looked at me in a week and surely, please,
please…

Luca slammed a fist down on the table, knocking over a bottle that was next to his bowl. Clear liquid spilled across the table and dripped off the edge as his finger drilled through the air to point at Arian’s face in a gesture that screamed accusation and rage.

Arian stood up jerkily and left the tent. I stayed where I was, awkwardly half-risen, until Rani pushed a plate of steamed brown rice cakes at me, caught my hand, and shoved the cup of tea into it. “Sit. Eat. Drink.”

I sank down and sipped the tea obediently. “Livia?”

“Hmm?” The healer gave me an enquiring look, her mouth full.

“Why don’t you hate me?”

Livia swallowed hastily, coughed and took a gulp of her own tea before she answered. “You’re talking about my arm now, aren’t you?”

I nodded miserably.

“It was my own fault, Frost. Arian tried to warn me. He was screaming at me to get away from you, and I didn’t listen. That was my own stupidity – I didn’t like him, and I didn’t want to listen to him, even though I could see something was wrong with you. I brought it on myself and it would be even more stupid to blame you for that.”

I hesitated, then looked at Rani. “You did, though. I could tell.”

Rani pulled a face, her large, dark eyes shamed. “For a little while. I suppose I … wanted someone to blame for all of it. Everything that had gone wrong. But even when I was at my angriest I knew it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right,” I said, embarrassed. I hadn’t been looking for an apology. I had just wanted to understand.

“Besides, if I’d never got hurt, Rani might never have had the courage to tell me that she … well, that she liked me,” Livia said, with a sly, sideways look at the other healer. “So in a way, we should both thank you.”

Rani flushed bright red and put her hand over her face. From somewhere, I managed a tiny smile. Just as Rani was opening her mouth to verbally flay Livia, we became aware of an expectant stillness falling in the mess tent.

Luca was standing, with his arms folded across his chest, clearly waiting for silence. The closed, defensive posture hurt me, deep down. Luca had always held his arms open to the world, fearless and laughing, scorning caution and fear. Now he looked as if he didn’t trust his own soldiers not to turn on him.

How much of this change was the result of his ordeal at his brother’s hands, and how much was the pain he had felt at seeing me in Arian’s arms? Did it even matter?

It must seem to Luca that everyone he had ever cared about had betrayed him.

He nodded shortly. “I have important things to say this morning, so listen closely. I won’t repeat myself. First, Arian no longer holds the position of my lieutenant.”

I already knew this, but it looked like it wasn’t common knowledge. A shocked murmur moved through the tent. Luca’s narrowed eyes quelled the noise before it could grow.

“From now on you will take your orders from me or Hind. More importantly, from now on we’re changing our tactics. We were sent here to do a job – and we have
failed
. Hanging back, skulking in the hills, plotting and planning, giving lectures to the locals. None of that has brought us any closer to our goal. And all this time the rebels have been strengthening their fortress, pillaging the countryside and laughing at us. We were sent here to dig those sons of whores out. I’m sick of waiting. We pack up today and march first thing tomorrow, to take back the House of God. We will attack head on and we will keep coming until we’ve destroyed them. It’s the only way to win.”

His eyes flashed around the tent with a glint like a knife blade, as if daring someone to raise an objection. I hardly dared move. The silence seemed to buzz against my eardrums.

Attack head on?
Luca himself had told us, time after time, that the hill guard couldn’t possibly succeed in a frontal assault. The rebels had the high ground, the ruins of a massive stone complex riddled with secret tunnels and passageways, not to mention unknown numbers and weaponry.

It was suicide.

I glanced at Livia and Rani, and saw them both looking pale and grave-faced. They knew it too. Why didn’t they speak? Why didn’t Hind? Where was Arian – why wasn’t he here to protest against this? Why didn’t
someone
speak?

Why don’t you?

I looked down at my hands, clasped neatly on the table in front of me. I swallowed. The tea had turned coppery and thick on my tongue, like blood.

When it was obvious there would be no objections, Luca nodded again. Was it my imagination that his shoulders slumped a little then? It might have been relief or … disappointment? Neither emotion was reflected in his voice when he next spoke.

In the humming quiet Luca outlined his plan for the attack, appointed three squad leaders to help organize the men during the battle, and gave detailed commands as to what equipment would be needed and what should be left behind. We were to take minimal supplies, and no tents. It would be a forced march to the fortress, and we would attack at dawn. There would be no signal for a retreat.

There would be no retreat.

When he had finished speaking, Luca stared at us all, as if waiting for something. Whatever it was, it didn’t come. He jerked his head at Hind and stalked out. She followed like someone in a trance.

We sat in frozen silence. Then I jumped up, knocking over my stool, and ran after Luca.

I reached the entrance of the mess in time to see Luca and Hind disappear around the corner of the supply tent. I took one step after them, then froze, unable to go any further.

What was I going to say, or do? Luca wouldn’t listen to me. He hadn’t let me within ten feet of him since he had opened his eyes and seen that his brother’s taunts had held a seed of truth. I was the very last person in the world that could persuade him out of this insane plan. The last person who should try.

“No turning back, then,” Arian said. “He really did it.”

He was leaning against a tree that overhung the mess, arms folded across his chest. The similarity to Luca’s posture made me grit my teeth. If Luca had been avoiding me, I had been avoiding Arian. Trying to forget that kiss, and the way Arian had looked, and how I had been tempted just when I should have resisted. Faced with him now, with the defeat and regret in his once cold eyes, I couldn’t bring myself to shun him any longer.

“There’s nothing we can do, is there?” I whispered.

“I can’t get through to him. I don’t think anyone can.” Arian bowed his head for a moment, then squared his shoulders. “I need to talk to you.”

He went into the trees. I stared after him, then, with a sigh, went pushing through the undergrowth behind him.

“Why can’t we talk in camp?” I called.

He made no answer.

We reached a little clearing of soft spring grass and he came to a halt, standing motionless, hunched, with his back to me. The sunlight played over his dark figure in rippling tides of blue-green and gold.

“You know that we have no chance of winning. Are you going to stay?” he asked.

I ran one hand restlessly over the coiled braid of my hair. “You already know the answer.”

“Even if leaving is the only sensible thing to do?”

“
You’re
not going anywhere.”

He was silent. I sighed and shifted impatiently, wishing he would get to whatever the point was. I opened my mouth to snap at him – then closed it, my sense of justice prodding at me.

It wasn’t fair to heap all the blame for what had happened on Arian’s head. I could have stopped him in the tent, but I hadn’t. That was my own burden to bear. Just like Rani, I had needed someone to be angry at, and I had chosen Arian. After battering my way through his defences, calling myself his friend, telling him that he could rely on me as well as on Luca, I had abandoned him to wallow in my own misery. My father would have been ashamed of me.

I stepped a little closer to him, and softened my voice. “I’m sorry. Are you all right?”

He was silent. I was wondering if he had heard me, when he asked suddenly, “What happened to you in the Fire? I knew as soon as you came out that something had changed, but you’ve never spoken of it. Did you see Her?”

Taken aback, I hesitated and shook my head. “I can’t really… It’s not something I
can
speak of. It would just sound like fever dreams, or nonsense. She didn’t show me Herself. She showed me
myself
. I don’t know how much of it was what anyone would call real. I only know it wasn’t a dream because if I’d been dreaming I would have burned to death.”

“Then you’re cured now. You’ve got what you wanted from Luca. You should go.”

I scowled. “I’m not leaving him.”

He spun around to confront me, face desperate. “Why not?”

Everything came together in my mind. White-hot fury flared within me, and my fist caught Arian soundly in the jaw. His neck snapped back. The shock sang through my knuckles and the bones of my hand as he staggered, catching a tree branch to stay upright.

“Everything – everything between us – pretending to be my friend, kissing me after the ambush and then again in Livia’s tent… You’ve just been trying to get rid of me! Holy Mother! Are you that desperate to get Luca all to yourself?”

He let go of the branch and stepped forward, bruised jaw thrust out. “No! This isn’t about Luca! It’s about you. I want you to save yourself before he gets you killed.”

“You don’t care what happens to me,” I snarled.

The anger and frustration drained out of his face and he seemed to slump. “I do care. I do.”

I swallowed hard. “What are you saying?”

“I did want him all to myself, you’re right,” he mumbled. “When you first came here I was so jealous I could barely see straight. I could tell that Luca felt something for you, and I hated you for it. But how could I keep feeling that way once I’d got to know you? The more time I spent with you the more I could… It’s the way everything lights up when you smile. The kindness in your eyes. The way you can’t stand by and watch anyone suffer, even if it means getting into fights you’ll never win or jumping off cliffs into rivers. And when I realized you liked me – really
liked
me – when no one ever has, apart from Luca, I … I couldn’t lie to myself any more.”