FrostFire (23 page)

I
jerked away from Arian and scrambled to my feet on the rock. Da’s axe seemed to leap into my hand with a will of its own. I turned to face the speaker.

It was a man. A Sedorne. He stood on the hill above the brook, one hand casually propped on his sword hilt. He was about thirty, I thought, and tall, with a slim, well-muscled frame. He seemed familiar. Something about the shape of his face? Or his confident, graceful posture? It made me want to relax, as if he were a friend.

Until I met his eyes. They were a striking, clear, greyish blue, emphasized by the severe way his pale hair was braided back from his face. Something dark – no, more than just dark,
gleeful
– lurked behind those eyes. I had seen that look before. In Ulem’s eyes. In Werrick’s. This was no friend of mine. A long, cold shudder worked down my back.

As I watched, more Sedorne soldiers began to appear through the trees, ranging themselves beside the first. Four, five, six… I counted twelve, thirteen including the speaker. A stealthy rustle in the vegetation behind me told me there were others too. We were already surrounded. Surrounded while I had been letting Arian kiss me. Why had he
done
that? Why on earth had I let him, even for a second?

Father, forgive me for being so stupid.

These men had to be rebels. They were all pale-skinned and mostly light-haired; although they were cleaner, better armoured and better armed than the ones I had seen before. There were two crossbows aimed at us. Or rather, I realized, aimed at Arian, who still sat motionless on the rock behind me.

The man with the wicked eyes laughed. It was a bubbling, infectious sound, one that would have made me want to laugh too, if I hadn’t been rigid with fear.

“Finally found yourself a lady-love, Arian?” he said. “I never thought I’d see the day. Not when you’ve been following Luca around like a lost puppy for so long. Why don’t you introduce me to her? Or better yet, why don’t you tell me where dear Luca is?”

They know each other
. I flicked a quick glance at Arian. His face was utterly blank, eyes as glacial as the first time I had seen him. Slowly he eased himself to his feet and stood beside me, breathing raggedly.

“You’re not fit to speak his name,” he said acidly.

“More fit than a dirty half-breed bastard,” the Sedorne man said, still smiling. “But it doesn’t matter. I’ve been hunting my little brother up and down this mountain for months, and today I am going to find him. Catching you is an unexpected bonus which I fully intend to enjoy. And won’t
that
break his heart?”

A cold sweat sprang out over my body. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Arian’s hands curl slowly into fists.

Little brother.

Ion Constantin turned his bright gaze on me again. “I’ve no grudge against you, however. You can make it easier on yourself by telling me where you’re going. I’ll find out anyway, you know, but the less annoyed I am when I do, the less you’ll suffer.”

His tone made it clear that I was going to suffer anyway. Not because he really wanted or needed information, but because he would enjoy it.

I looked helplessly at the crossbowmen. We were so grossly outnumbered. Arian was barely able to walk, let alone fight. He didn’t even have a knife. All that stood between him and death was me.

I could feel my breath speeding up; my heart starting to jump. Fear heightened my senses to an almost painful pitch.

We’re going to die. There’s nothing I can do.

Father, what now? How am I supposed to save him?

Ion was still staring at me, awaiting an answer. Finally, he shrugged and turned his attention back to Arian. “A little slow in the brain, is she? That would explain why she was cosied up with you, I suppose. If she understands Rua, you should tell her to put her axe down now, before I take it from her.”

A howl rang through the woods.

Ion was still speaking, saying more poisonous things to Arian. I could barely make out his voice. The Wolf’s cry grew louder, louder, vibrating through my bones. But I was the only one who could hear it.

Icy cold was seeping into my veins. I blinked, and the clearing was painted in shades of black and silver.

I haven’t seen blood. This shouldn’t be happening.

Ion’s face was eager and triumphant now; his voice was raised. The rebels were moving forward, closing in around us.

Struggling against the rising cold, I managed to catch Arian’s eye.

“Run.” The word broke and twisted, turning into a deep, rumbling growl.

Arian stared at me for a second, then threw himself down off the rock, out of my way. I felt a surge of relief that he had understood – and in that instant lost my grip on my body.

The ice flowed up and surrounded the part of me that was Frost, the part that Luca had called my soul, trapping hopes and thoughts and heart deep inside, where they could only watch without reaching the surface.

The Wolf awoke.

Sound flooded the Wolf’s ears and its lips curled back into a sharp grin as it spun the axe in its hands, surveying the group of enemies that approached it. This body knew how to use the axe properly now. This body was stronger and faster than it had ever been.

The Wolf was going to enjoy this.

“Put your weapon down like a good girl,” the man – some part of the Wolf knew he was the primary enemy – called from his place above the brook. “It’ll hurt less that way.”

The Wolf threw back its head and let out a deep, mournful howl. The men advancing on it hesitated, exchanging looks of surprise and doubt.

The Wolf leaped off the rock to meet them.

The leap became a flying roundhouse kick that downed the first enemy. A single slice of the axe ended the man’s life. Blood splattered the Wolf’s face and it breathed in the powerful hot-copper smell and growled. Another man charged. The Wolf ducked the blow and jabbed the metal langet of the axe into his belly. The man doubled over, retching. The Wolf took his head, then whipped the axe back to block a sword blow aimed at its neck.

As the sword skidded off the axe blade the Wolf spun, grabbed the attacker’s sword hand and kicked out at his sternum. There was a loud pop as the man’s arm dislocated from his shoulder. He screamed. The Wolf snapped his wrist with a flex of its hand and kicked again, at his side this time, listening for the snap of breaking ribs.

The leader of the enemies shouted: “Bows!”

An arrow whizzed past the Wolf’s head. It ducked again, using its victim’s body as a shield, and the second arrow thudded into the enemy’s chest instead. The Wolf dropped the dead man while he was still twitching.

The Wolf sensed movement behind it. It fell to one knee, and as the sword pierced the air where it had stood, it wrenched the arrow from the dead enemy’s torso and stabbed the swordsman in the thigh. By the time the man hit the ground, yelling in agony and clutching at his leg, the Wolf was on its feet again. A well-placed kick to the throat finished the yelling.

Another arrow landed in a tree next to the Wolf. It snarled, then turned and charged directly uphill towards the crossbowman, spinning the axe.

The bowman backed away, desperately fumbling a fresh bolt into the notch and ratcheting the bowstring – before he could pull the trigger, the Wolf had brought him down. Leaving the axe buried in the man’s chest, the Wolf seized the crossbow. It turned, tracked the path of the second bowman, who was running for his life downhill, and planted an arrow in his skull.

As the man fell, the Wolf howled again, a cry of triumph. It dropped the crossbow and wrenched its axe free, finally fixing its attention on the primary enemy – the man standing alone at the top of the hill. The man drew his sword and made a beckoning gesture with his hand.

The Wolf ran to meet its challenger.

“You’re formidable,” the man said warily, edging backwards. “Wasted in the hill guard. Soft-hearted Luca can’t possibly appreciate you—”

The Wolf swept the axe up at the man’s head. The blade rebounded from the man’s sword with a deep clang, and the Wolf growled. It turned the recoil of the axe into a spin, ducked under the man’s next blow and aimed the pick at his side.

Again the enemy wrenched his sword down to block just in time. The axe met the blade with a screech and a shower of metal sparks.

Then a new voice cried out: “Here they are!
Attack
.”

The hidden fragment of consciousness that was still me stirred, recognizing Livia’s voice.

The Wolf snarled as the clearing filled with more men and women, these in a different uniform. They began to attack the remnants of the first group.

“Time for me to be going, I think,” the primary enemy said, disengaging his sword and taking a hasty step back. “Men! To me!”

The Wolf felt the blow coming for its back and whirled. It spun the axe in a massive arc, carving through the new attacker’s chest and pushing him off the axe blade with a powerful kick.

The Wolf turned again to see the primary enemy fleeing into the woods, his few surviving men right behind him. The Wolf let out an infuriated bark, and turned to face the new people – the ones who had balked it of its desired prey.

Trapped deep inside, I struggled wildly. Through the Wolf’s silver-painted vision, I could see the hill guards streaming through the trees, faces friendly and relieved. They were sheathing their weapons. They thought the danger was past, their enemy gone.

Stop, Wolf! Stop!

“Did you and Arian account for all these, Frost?” Livia called out as she jogged toward the Wolf, looking at the rebels’ bodies strewn between the trees. “To think we were worried about you! Are you all right?”

“Livia, get away from her!”

I heard Arian’s warning shout and screamed silently, thrashing and kicking against the cold bonds that held me a prisoner in my own body.
No, no, not Livia. No!

The Wolf lifted its axe and lunged at the grey-haired woman.

Livia narrowly dodged the blow and jumped back, face clearly showing her shock. “Frost, calm down,” she said in a slow, coaxing voice. “It’s me.”

“What’s wrong with her?” someone else called out breathlessly. Through the Wolf’s eyes I saw others hurrying towards us, worry darkening their faces.

“Get back!” Arian shouted. He was struggling up the hill towards us, keeping to his feet by grabbing the trees for balance as he passed. “She’s in a battle rage; she doesn’t recognize you.”

Livia had backed away a little, turning her head to listen to Arian. The Wolf sensed its enemy’s distraction and ran forward, aiming the axe pick in a vicious arc towards her neck.

Livia turned just in time to save her life. The slender blade sliced along the side of her shoulder, opening up a long, deep cut. She screamed with agony, stumbled backwards, and fell to her knees. The other hill guards were racing up the slope, yelling.

NO!

Suddenly my right arm was my own again. My weak, human fingers tightened around the haft of the axe and I held on with all my might as the Wolf tried to bring the blade down on Livia again. The axe shuddered, jerking up, then back, as I fought against the force that controlled my body. The Wolf’s lips curled over its teeth. It snapped and growled in frustration.

No. No. No.

Bright threads were bleeding back into my vision. I stared at Livia, who had slumped onto the ground. Blood – a glowing red that hurt my colour-starved eyes – was streaming through her fingers as she tried to apply pressure to her own wound. She was deathly pale, her breathing shallow.

My fingers, flushed with human warmth again, were sweating and slippery. The axe haft slid in my grasp. The Wolf’s lips peeled back on a snarl. The rest of the hill guards were nearly upon us now, drawing their weapons as they converged on the friend who had gone mad and attacked one of their own.

“She can’t help it. Let me through. Get out of the way. Let me through!” Arian was shouting. He was too far away.

The axe slipped from my fingers. The Wolf’s arm ripped the weapon away and drew it up. Livia cringed back, closing her eyes.

A streak of gold and blue burst through the trees and hit the Wolf, almost knocking it from its feet. A warm hand closed on the icy fingers that held the axe.

“Frost. Frost,” Luca whispered, burying his face in the Wolf’s – in my – hair. “I know you’re there. I know you can hear me. It can’t take your soul.”

The ice that held me shivered. The fingers that clutched at the axe went slack. Gently Luca eased the Wolf’s arm down. “Come back. I know you’re in there. Come back to me.”

The Wolf growled in disgust … and faded.

The axe dropped from my hand and landed in the grass. I sagged against Luca. He eased me down, supporting me around the shoulders as I slid bonelessly to the forest floor.

I shivered, muscles twitching and cramping. But that pain was nothing –
nothing
– compared to the memory of what the Wolf had done.

I stared up at Luca, feeling tears well up and trickle down my face. “Livia…” I whispered, voice coming out hoarse and broken.

“Rani!” Luca snapped the Rua healer’s name, turning his head. “How is she?”

“She’s losing blood fast,” Rani said, her soft voice cracking. “Quick, someone give me a belt! I need to make a tourniquet. Keep your hand there!”

“See,” Luca said. He stroked the tears gently from my cheeks. “Rani is taking care of her. It will be all right.”

I turned my eyes to the circle of grim-faced hill guards that stood above me. “No. It won’t.”

I
stared at the shabby, patched walls of the tent where I’d been sleeping for the past three days. The space was cramped, and the roof leaked when dew formed on it in the mornings. But Luca’s large tent, along with the fine tapestries, rugs and furniture that had once filled it, had all been left behind in the desperate scramble to escape the ambush.

I wished more than anything that was all we had lost.

My fingers clenched on the strap of my pack.

Put it on. Put it on, get up, and walk away. Do it now, before he comes back.

Do it now, before you end up hurting him too.

Footsteps sounded outside the tent. Deliberate, heavy footsteps, from a man who never normally made a sound. It was Luca’s way of giving me privacy since there was no screen to hide me any more. Hastily I shoved the pack out of sight under a stool and sat down on it.

The flap opened and Luca poked his head in. His tired face brightened when he saw that I was dressed and out of my bedroll. The tenderness in his eyes was a punch to my stomach. I hunched over, fixing my gaze on my hands.

“You’re looking better. How do you feel?”

I gritted my teeth. “I’m fine. I’m always fine. How’s Livia?”

There was a short pause.

“She’s a little bored. Rani’s practically having to sit on her to make her rest. She wants to be up and doing. I imagine she’ll escape the infirmary by tomorrow.”

“What about her arm?”

Another pause.

“It’s healing.”

“Will she be able to
use
it?”

Luca let out a long sigh. From the corner of my eye, I watched him duck under the flap and come all the way into the tent. The fact that the captain had been hovering in the entrance of what was supposed to be his own living space made me grit my teeth again. He came towards me and dropped down onto the other camping stool before speaking.

“Rani doesn’t know yet. Livia can move her fingers, which is good. There’s some weakness, which might easily get better.”

“Or it might not.”

I remembered Livia’s immense kindness to me, even when I had been a prisoner in a cell. The way she had bared her own painful history to make me feel comfortable here. I remembered her strong, competent fingers picking through herbs, writing notes. I remembered the way her face shone with determination and pride as she worked.

All gone now, maybe forever. Because of the Wolf. Because of
me
.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Luca said into the silence. “You have to stop punishing yourself.”

“Livia may spend the rest of her life suffering for what I did. Some guilt is a light payment compared to that.”

“She doesn’t blame you. I don’t blame you. No one blames you, except you.” There was a trace of impatience in Luca’s tone now. He had already repeated these words to me many times. I resisted the need to look at him, keeping my gaze down. Every glance at Luca hurt me now.

“I explained the battle rage to everyone. I told them it was my decision to have you fight despite that. I told them you couldn’t help it. It was my responsibility.”

“You mean you lied to them. You didn’t tell them about the curse. About the Wolf, and the people I’ve hurt before.”

“What would have been the point of that? They don’t believe in curses. Neither do I.”

“They have a right to know how dangerous I am.”

“They’ve already seen that for themselves. What you want isn’t to give them fair warning, it’s to turn them all against you so that you have an excuse to run away.”

My head snapped up.

Luca’s eyes met mine squarely, and I felt shamed heat rushing into my cheeks – the only heat anywhere in my chilled body.

“I’m not blind, you know,” he said, the hurt clear in his voice. “I can see that pack you’re sitting on.”

I felt my face crumple. I tried to turn away, but Luca was there, kneeling before me, putting strong arms around me and enveloping me in warmth. His summer, honeysuckle scent made me sigh. “I’m not letting you go,” he whispered, lips against my forehead.

“This isn’t fair,” I protested weakly. I was already going soft, my whole body trembling with the need to lean into Luca and let him take my weight. Take my burdens.

The Wolf is
my
burden.

I straightened up with a jerk, forcing myself out of Luca’s arms and onto my feet. I turned in a tight circle, pacing backwards and forwards like an animal in a cage.

Luca rose to his feet.

I warded him off with one hand. “You can’t fix this. You can’t fix me. No one can. The Wolf is getting stronger. It doesn’t need my blood any more. I could go mad at any time and attack anyone. Including you. I can’t take that risk. Be the captain I know you are and admit you can’t either.”

“I don’t need you to lecture me on my duty,” Luca said, low and strained. “Do you have any idea what I’ve been dealing with while you’ve been hiding in this tent refusing to see anyone? We lost twenty-two men in the ambush. Twenty-two of our own, dead. There are some in the infirmary who still might not pull through. Hind almost lost her eye. I’m responsible for
all
of that, and somehow I have to figure out our next move and decide if we have any chance against the rebels now. I need you, Frost. I need you with me, helping me through this. I don’t need you threatening to leave.”

For the first time I felt I could almost hate Luca. Why couldn’t he ever just give up? I wanted to turn on him, to rage and shout at his stupid, courageous optimism, at his refusal to acknowledge that his grand plans for defeating the Wolf had failed. Now I knew why Arian had flown into a fury at him, that second night I was in camp, when Arian had found me in Luca’s tent. It hadn’t been about me at all. It had been about the fact that Luca had no regard for his own safety, and one day it would get him killed.

But I couldn’t break. I had to keep those emotions tamped down, pressed into that tight, black ball of despair that lurked under my ribs. I couldn’t afford to lose control now, even for an instant.

“I can’t help you,” I said, as quietly and calmly as I could. “I can’t help anyone. Not even myself.”

“Why?” Luca demanded. “I understand if you don’t feel you can fight any more, but that doesn’t mean you have to abandon us. You’re still one of us, aren’t you? You said yourself this isn’t forever, that one day we’ll succeed in capturing Ion and have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Don’t you believe that any more?”

My neck and shoulders, all the bones in my head, were aching with tension – with the effort it took to resist Luca’s words. “I care for you, Luca. More than for anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I would do anything for you. I’d die for you.”

Surprise, happiness and confusion passed across Luca’s face like clouds moving over the sun. He reached out for me.

I backed away. “That’s why I have to go. Here, with you, I’ve changed. My emotions are like water pushing against a dam. The moment I give into them, I open the door to the Wolf again. I can’t stay with you. Not without putting you and everyone else here in danger.”

The happiness died out of Luca’s face, leaving it weary and drawn. “Where are you going to go, Frost? Where can you possibly run to be safe from yourself? If you don’t face this now, you will spend the rest of your life running. Too scared to fight. Too scared to love. You’ll be your own prisoner. And you’ll never be free.”

The words rang through my bones with the awful weight of a prophesy. I stared at him in despair.

A familiar voice broke into the tense silence, singing the first lines of one of the traditional Mother’s Fire songs.

Arian.

“They must have given up on me.” Luca sighed, rubbing his forehead tiredly. “I came to fetch you. We’re having a gathering at the firepit to honour the fallen. Will you come? Please?”

Other voices were joining Arian’s now, and instruments. Just like the first time I had heard it, I was drawn to the music. But it wasn’t for me. It never had been. I shook my head. “They won’t want me there.”

“I want you there.” Luca held out his hand, the lines of sorrow on his face making him look years older.

My fingers twitched, hand yearning to reach out to him. I lifted it – and closed it around my wolf tooth. The sharp tip dug deeply into my palm. I welcomed the pain.

We both stared at his still extended hand. Slowly his fingers curled into a fist and dropped.

“You can’t always have what you want,” I said.

“No. But you can hold onto what you have,” he said softly. “Don’t try to leave while I’m gone, because I will come after you. We haven’t finished yet.”

I nodded shortly.

“Say it.”

I ground my teeth together, trapped. “I promise.”

“That’s good enough for me.” He gave me a tight, unhappy smile, a mere echo of his normal golden grin, and left the tent.

I let out a shuddering breath. Damn him. Now I was trapped here for another night at least. Trapped where no one wanted me to be, not even myself. No one except Luca.

Arian’s voice echoed through the thin canvas walls, mingling with the mournful wood pipe, the slow beat of the drum. I even thought I could hear the crackling and whispering of the flames, though that should have been impossible. The sound called to me, beckoned to me. But I knew what I would see if I gave in. Friends’ eyes, full of hatred and distrust. Beloved faces, turned into masks of loathing. My own comrades flinching away from me.

I would not see family. I would see my own exile.

I paced up and down, trying to ignore the call of the flames and the singing voices. A dozen times my eyes turned to my half-hidden pack, and I jerked my head away. I couldn’t break my promise. But I wanted to. Oh, how I wanted to.

“Farewell, my love, our time has come,

Long though I might to stay…”

I went still as the achingly familiar melody of that song filled my ears.

My resolve shattered.

Barely knowing what I did, I pushed open the tent flap and stepped outside into the gathering dusk. The light of the Mother’s Fire flickered between tents, and the singing voices filled my ears, drawing me onwards as I drifted through the deserted camp towards the firepit.

“Our time has come, my one true love,

The world calls me away…”

A belated sense of caution sounded just before I arrived at the fire. I stopped next to one of the big tents, peering through the gap at the people gathered around the white firepit. The stripped logs were empty tonight, though the space was crowded, packed with every hill guard who could stand. My eyes searched for Luca and found him and Arian side by side, their shoulders almost touching. Somehow despite the difference in their looks they seemed alike in that moment – sternly upright, faces grave as they sang, eyes filled with fire.

Hind was on Luca’s other side. Even in the golden flicker of the firelight she looked pale and ill. A thick bandage was wrapped around her face, covering one eye. She leaned into Luca’s arm as if she needed his support.

I tore my eyes away from the sight of Luca’s hand gently gripping Hind’s waist, and realized that Rani was nearly opposite me. She would see me if she looked up. I drew back warily into the shadow of the tent, thankful for the gathering darkness that hid me. The Rua healer looked almost as drawn and weary as Hind; she was staring into the blaze as if she were searching for answers. There was a conspicuously empty space beside her. The space that should have been Livia’s.

My wolf tooth felt like a shard of ice against my palm.

I did not try to sing. There was no place for my voice in this music, in this song of power and mourning, a prayer to a goddess that I still did not understand. I fixed my gaze on the deep blue centre of the fire, where colours rippled and danced, more like water than flame.

Their flickering slowed, the pointed tongues of flame elongating, rich blue bleeding into white, into silver, until they resembled a crown of icicles, burning icy-hot within the pit. A warning chill brushed my spine. Instinctively I started to look away, to turn from the flames.

Running from my fear, just as I always had.

Where are you going to go, Frost? Where can you possibly run to be safe from yourself?

For the first time, I had a life that I did not want to leave behind. I had friends. I had love. I had … myself. All I had ever wanted. I didn’t want to run this time. I didn’t want to look away. My grip on the wolf tooth tightened desperately. I felt my skin split with a sharp sting, and the trickle of blood on my palm.

Father. Please. Help me.

The lonely cry of the Wolf rose up in the night, a cry that only I could hear. I trembled with the desire to flee.

You will spend the rest of your life running. Too scared to fight. Too scared to love.

The Wolf’s howl was louder now. Closer.

Father, why don’t you answer me? Why is the only time I hear you in my nightmares?

Father?

Was Luca right? Did I have a choice? Did I have a soul? Did I have the right to pray to his goddess and hope for an answer? My need had never been greater than now. I couldn’t go on like this any more. If I had to leave Luca, I would leave behind any hope of happiness, or a normal life. I would leave behind belief, and love, and hope. I might as well die.

My breath clouded in the air before me, and I could feel the tickling as the blood on my palm began to freeze. Ice crystals scattered from my hair as blue sparks drifted up from the fire and spiralled towards the emerging stars. Towards the Mother.

You’ll never be free.

In a single movement I tore the wolf tooth from around my neck and threw it. Droplets of blood glittered in the firelight as it flew, carrying the dark, seething knot of my despair with it, carrying all the fear and anger I did not dare to express. With a quiet sizzle, it landed in the fire.

Take my message. Hear my prayer.

The singing faltered as people turned to see where the missile had flown from, and noticed me standing there. An angry murmur rushed through the crowd. Luca’s face brightened as he caught sight of me. Arian frowned, his expression worried. I ignored them all.