Friends With Way Too Many Benefits (14 page)

"I can see that happening." Victoria nodded casually then her frown returned. "But you didn't see this girl, she was super-model gorgeous and she had these tight pants on and, um, you could see exactly what was…" She leaned across the table. "…you could see exactly what was
going on
down there."

"What do you mean?" Jillian held back a giggle.

"I mean, you could clearly see her, her…" Victoria flashed her gaze down to her lap a few times. "… her, um,
peach
."

"What?"

Victoria made a face then whispered, "You could see lips and everything."

"Oh…" Jillian eyes widened. "Oh, okay… her peach."

"And you could really tell it was one of those little tiny cute ones, you know."

"Yeah, I remember when my peach was tiny and cute." Jillian sighed.

"I'll bet she can actually feel one little finger in there. Her eyes probably get all big when that happens." Victoria shook back and forth mockingly and whispered, "Oh, get it out, get it out, I'm just so tight... I can't take it."

Jillian let out a chuckle.

Victoria made a face as she whispered, "Last time I saw my doctor, I think he had his whole fist up there and I couldn't even tell."

"You're kidding."

"No one tells you that having a baby destroys you like that."

"It can't be that bad."

"Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but it's just not the same."

"You still enjoy…" Jillian mouthed the word
sex
then blew on her tea before taking a sip.

"Yeah, but, something's going on between Jim and I. We used to do it like twice a day but lately—"

"Twice a day?" Jillian scoffed. "Every day?"

"Yep, he's got a lot of energy. After he…" Victoria looked around quickly then continued, "… makes his first
delivery
… he's just getting warmed up. He's sorta like the Energizer bunny."

"Okay, wow… Um… Well, couples go through lulls. In fact, before this baby making schedule I was only getting a, um,
package delivered
maybe twice a week."

Victoria sipped her tea. "Yeah, but you two are, you know…"

"No, I don't know." Jillian looked at her, insulted.

"You're just like a lame normal couple, who, you know, aren’t really in tune in the… bedroom, but Jim and I, we're like, like on a whole other level… no offense."

"Oh, okay, sure, why would that offend me?" Jillian frowned then sipped her tea.

"So, he's been getting these massages since the accident because his back hurts a little and—"

"Maybe that's why your sex life is a bit off as well…" Jillian then got sidetracked by something floating in her cup. As she used a finger to fish it out, Victoria just stared back at her, moping. Oblivious, Jillian continued, "I mean, don't you think that could have something to do with it?" Jillian looked at her, waiting. "Don’t you agree?"

Victoria paused a moment before sipping her tea. "I didn't hear a word you said after you interrupted me."

"What?"

"You interrupted me."

Jillian rolled her eyes. "Sorry. Please finish your thought."

"Thank you." Victoria made a snooty face. "So, he's been getting the massages like I said and I think that when the perky little Ashley gives a
full body
massage that she, um, takes the word
full
literally."

"No, come on, you said yourself he was washing in the shower himself, so—"

"Yeah…" Victoria sighed. "You're not listening to me at all. Now please pay attention."

"What? What did I miss?"

"Oh, a lot." Victoria widened her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so confused." Jillian gazed into her steaming cup of tea seemingly for the answer.

"Look, I think the fact that he was washing everything in the shower confirms that she relieved a little of his stress first."

"I'm not following."

"Remember what I said about the Energizer Bunny?"

"Yeah…" Jillian took another sip then it hit her. "Okay, so you think he would only do that if she had…" She gave her a knowing wink. "…
washed
it the first time."

"Exactly." Victoria nodded with the small victory.

"But what if Ashley, um, did it twice?"

"What? No, are you crazy. She'd have carpal tunnel if she did that."

"Oh, okay." Jillian shook her head, the shear logic on Victoria's thought process clearly dangerous to try to understand. She narrowed her eyes. "But isn't it possible that Ashley didn't give him the
full
body treatment and that you caught him in the middle of maybe
washing
for the second time?"

"No, that doesn't make any sense," Victoria shot back. Then she took a sip of tea, rolled her eyes and let out a tired sigh.

"Why not?"

"Who's the sex therapist— me or you?"

"You, but—"

"I have a Master's and everything.

"Okay." Jillian sighed, exhausted. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure," Victoria grumbled.

After sitting in silence for a few seconds, Victoria's eyes brightened. "I've been reading about that Vag—" She halted that thought looking left to the table only a few feet from her with a husband and wife along with two pre-teens. "I mean, um,
Peachyal…
Rejuvenation Surgery. You think you want to get that with me?"

The woman next to them turned her head slowly toward Jillian, cringing. Mortified, the best-selling author returned an apologetic smile before returning her attention to her fiend and replying softly, "Um, I don't know."

"Come on… it will be fun." She whispered. "You said yourself your
peach
isn't what it once was."

"Yeah, but I don't think I wanna have it sewn closed." Jillian puckered her lips.

"Well, suit yourself. I'm still looking into it."

After another few moments of silence, Victoria took a sip from her cup, scoffed then announced, "I can't believe I didn't tell you the most important thing. This Ashley, I used to babysit her like twenty years ago."

"Wow. Really?"

"And… and… get this." Victoria chuckled then staring down into her tea cup, said super-loudly, "Ashley actually has her fucking pussy pierced."

Suddenly the room fell silent. Jillian took in all the horrified expressions, returning an uneasy smile and shaking her head slowly from side to side. "Um, Victoria maybe—"

"She showed it to him too." Only glancing up to Jillian for a moment, Victoria plowed ahead somehow even louder and still completely oblivious. "Can you believe that?"

Jillian motioned with her hand for Victoria to lower her voice, but the gesture went unnoticed.

"That little twenty-two-inch-waisted tight and pierced pussy is—" Finally looking up from her tea, Victoria shut her mouth tight. She put on a semi-confident expression as she scanned the stunned and horrified crowd. After clearing her throat, she announced, "It's okay, I'm a licensed sex therapist."

"Maybe we should take these to go." Jillian cringed.

Nodding, Victoria rose to her feet then opened up her purse. Holding her head high, she continued her public service announcements. "I'm just going to leave a few of my business cards on the table— I work with couples and individuals— so, um… okay, ready?" Turning her attention to Jillian, she raised her eyebrows.

"Uh-huh." Jillian nodded quickly, once again glancing to the crowd then lowering her head in shame as she grabbed her cup.

Victoria headed toward the front of the restaurant self-consciously covering her face until she spotted a middle-aged woman glaring at her in absolute disgust. Stopping in front of the woman, Victoria pulled another card from her purse and placed it on the table. "You look like you could use a lot of sessions."

The woman returned a gasp and Victoria took off out the door with Jillian rushing behind her cowering.

Jillian followed Victoria home and they sat in the living room together. Victoria held a glass of wine and sighed. "I can't believe I really said
pierced pussy
in front of a hundred people."

Jillian shrugged. "And we were doing so well up to that point."

"I know."

Victoria took a big sip from her wineglass. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I spend so much time listening to all my clients' sex problems that my head is spinning. I think I might be suffering from a little post-partum depression or I… I don't know."

"Maybe that's it."

"This Ashley is actually older than Jim, so it's sorta like I'm having sex with a kid I could have babysat. It's freaking me out a little bit."

"Don't let it. Look at Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas isn't he like thirty years older than she is."

"Yeah, but I think they're getting a divorce."

"Ashton and Demi they—"

"Getting divorced." Victoria sighed.

"I really need to read more People magazine. How about Woody Allen and Soon—" Jillian shut her mouth. "Sorry"

"Now, I'm going to be sick."

"Don't listen to me, I'm hopped up on all these hormones and I don't know what I'm saying." Jillian placed a hand on Victoria's arm.

"I also forgot to tell you that when Jim was in the hospital after the car accident the nurse came in the room and thought I was his mother." She gave her a weary look. "His mother!"

Jillian returned a horrified expression. "You look nothing like his mother."

"I know. I know."

"You know…" Jillian put on a sexy smile. "Whenever Mrs. Nash calls the house I get all worked up and I just have to—"

"I thought we were focusing on my problems here." Victoria gave her a tired look.

"Sorry." Jillian frowned.

"Not everything is about you and your overwhelming desire to go down on your husband when he's on the phone with his mother."

"Oh, so I told you about that already?"

"Yes, several times," Victoria grumbled before her eyes brightened. "You know, that whole thing could be a symptom of some deep seeded childhood psycho-sexual issue. Maybe you should book an appointment with me and we can dive deeper."

"I'll think about it… Let's just get back to your issues."

"Good idea." Victoria held back a smile.

"Where were we?"

"Um, I'm practically old enough to be the mother of the man I'm sleeping with."

"Practically…" Jillian widened her eyes.

"Hey, bitch in the glass house… don’t throw stones."

"Sorry… look, you guys love each other and you're happy together. Sure not every day is going to be a hanging-off-the-chandelier sex party, but you guys will find the passion again, I'm sure."

The front door opened and Jim entered carrying two-dozen peach roses. "Hey."

Victoria glanced up then frowned. Jillian rose to her feet. "I should get home."

"Jillian." Jim stepped into the living room and gave her a nod.

"Hi Jim." Jillian walked to the door then turned back to Victoria. "I'll call you later."

As Jillian closed the door, he plopped down on the sofa next to Victoria, holding the flowers up. Glancing at them, she said halfheartedly, "Pretty."

After placing them on the coffee table, he turned to look at her. "I told you I was going for massages."

"I know, I know your back hurts."

"Nothing happened, I swear. You know that the underwear stays on the whole time, it's just a massage."

"But you're attracted to her."

"Yeah, so, I'm attracted to lots of women, but I don't go around trying to have sex with them or anything."

"You're telling me if Ashley came on to you, you wouldn't be tempted?"

"I'm crazy in love with you. We have a baby together I wouldn't do anything to screw that up."

"What's with all the new attractive young women working at the club?"

He sighed. "I told you about that months ago. Remember Brian went to that bagel place and saw it had nothing but attractive women working behind the counter and the place was packed. We hired just as many guys— I know you saw Todd." He widened his eyes. "We've got eye candy for both men and women and membership is up forty percent."