Free as a Bird (6 page)

Nother thing I wondered bout — after they buried em dead people — was what happened nex? Gramma use to say inside our bodies was our real self … our souls. I knowed Gramma's real self got to go to the good heaven for nice people — that's cause she was a awful good person. But what bout Paulina an Willy Bennett an me? Did we get to go to the nice heaven or did we hafta go to the one for vermin an jailbirds and the retards? Spect that jailbird heaven's got barred windows an locked doors too. I sure wished I never had to go there — nope, don't wanna go to heaven if there's barred windows an locked doors.

Sometimes bein a fly on the wall's not such a good thing. That's cause sometimes I heard things I wished I dint hear. Like the night Morris told some other uniforms bout Paulina.

“Can you believe it — they dug out her brain and sent it to the medical school. Don't ask me why? I mean, what could they possibly learn from the brain of a halfwit?” Then he laughed.

I think Shirley heard him too an that's what upset her. That night in bed she wouldn't stop talkin bout it. “Poor Paulina, now she's dead, lost her head, can't get up in the morning. Poor, poor Paulina. Can't have a headstone cause she's got no head … nope, got no head. Shirley is so, so sad. Poor, poor Paulina.” Yup, poor Shirley an poor Paulina.

After Paulina went away there was a lot more uniforms on Ward 33 — yup, a lot more — well, for a while anyways. Nothin happened like usual. For one thing — we all had to get oudda bed early. So that meant the porridge was warm instead of cold … the milk was cold instead of warm. The TV was off all mornin an we had nice music instead — the kind Gramma use to play on her record player. Nother thing — Grace dint take me to the liddle brown house.

“I'm sorry we can't go to the training centre right now, Ruby Jean. Nurse Millie says no one is allowed out of sight.” Then she smiled big an showed me a box she brung. “Never mind. I've brought you some things to work on.”

I wished we could go to that nice liddle house, but I was mostly happy cause Grace came to see me. I practised zippin zippers, an doin up buttons, an foldin towels, an makin my bed.

“Being able to do these things makes you independent, Ruby Jean,” Grace said. “Next time we'll work on using a lock and key — something you're going to need to do if you're going to live in a house someday.”

Live in a house someday? I couldn't figure what Grace meant by that. Sometimes she said things that got me mixed up — I guess it dint help with me not bein so smart. Still, bein confused with Grace was bedder than havin to spend my days watchin
As the World Turns
.

chapter 4

After the commotion settled down on Ward 33 me an Grace went to the brown house nearly every day. I got so good at washin myself an brushin my hair an teeth that Grace said Millie an Morris should let me do it for myself every mornin after I woke up an every night before I went to bed.

“Ruby Jean is really showing an amazing eagerness to learn,” Grace said. “I'd say she's completely capable of taking care of her own personal hygiene, so please encourage her to practise.”

Morris laughed. “Who'd of thought our little Ruby Jean was such an Einstein? Sharp as a tack, that one.”

Grace frowned at him.

Then Morris said to me, “My, my, you can take care of your own personal hygiene now. How wonderful is that?” He sniggered again.

I dint really knowed what those words
personal
hygiene
meant, but when Morris said em it made me feel like I had a fire inside my tummy. But even if I had the feelin — I dint try to bite him.

“Oh, shut up, Morris,” Millie said, laughing too. “Whatever they're doing together it's making Ruby Jean easier to handle. With her being in such a happy mood she doesn't have outbursts. In fact, she hasn't had an incident for weeks. And that makes my life a lot easier.”

Millie was right. I was awful happy … maybe as happy as when I was liddle an spent all my days with Gramma.

One mornin Grace came for me early when I was still eatin in the cafeteria. I wasn't finished my cold porridge an warm milk.

“Good morning, Ruby Jean. I'm glad I caught you before you ate too much. Would you like to have breakfast at the house this morning?”

I smiled as big as I could an she pushed my tray away. I looked to see what Millie would say. She was busy wipin Marsha's face cause Marsha put food all over herself. I think Marsha did that so's Millie'd give her attention.

I stood up an waited for a uniform to say, “Sit down and eat, Ruby Jean.” But nobody even noticed me.

“What are you waiting for, Ruby Jean?” Grace said, smilin at me “Take your bib off.”

I pulled off my bib an left it on the table side my porridge an milk. I looked again to see what Millie would say, but now she was snappin at Catherine for pushin her tray onto the floor.

“Damn it, Catherine, you got porridge all over my bloody shoes. Well … that's it for you. You get nothing to eat until lunch. And it's your own fault.”

Grace took me by the arm an led me away. “C'mon, let's get out of here, Ruby Jean.”

I followed her down the hall with its polished green floors an matchin green walls. After Grace unlocked the meddal door I slipped my hand into hers. She smiled at me an squeezed it. I dunno why, but bein with Grace made me feel like maybe I was gunna laugh an cry at the same time.

Outside the wind was whippin everythin round. Grace had a ponytail tied at the back of her head so she dint mind the blowin. But my hair was flyin in my face.

“We should do something about your hair, Ruby Jean. You need something to keep it out of your eyes.”

When we got inside the brown house there was a smell — yup, a awful good smell. It made me think of hot soup an soft, warm blankets on a cold day. Made me think of Gramma. I closed my eyes an took a big breath.

“Do you like that smell, Ruby Jean? I thought you would.” Grace laughed. “That's fresh-baked bread. After I show you how to slice it we're going to make toast.”

On the kitchen counter was a meddal pan with bread inside. It was round on the top an brown an I could feel it was still warm.

“Cutting bread can be dangerous, Ruby Jean. That's why I'm going to teach you how to do it safely. But first you need to wash your hands.”

I walked to the sink an turned on the tap jus like I learnt. Then I rubbed my hands with the bar of soap an worked the soap into bubbles. That's when I noticed somethin — yup, I noticed all the sores on my hands were gone. There was still some old scars — but there was no blood an no scabs.

“Good job, Ruby Jean. Now I want you to make a gentle bridge over the bread with your hand, just like this.”

Grace showed me how to hold the bread. At first I squeezed too tight an the bread crumbled.

“Okay, loosen your hand, Ruby Jean. When you're holding the loaf of bread pretend you're holding a kitten — ever so gently.”

I tried to think if I ever held a kitten. Then I membered Gramma had a cat called Thomas. He was a big brown an white cat — looked like a tiger. When I was quiet an still he use to sit on my lap. He liked to be tickled under his chin an I made sure I was gentle when I did that. I decided I would try to think of Thomas an not squeeze the bread so tight.

“That's perfect, Ruby Jean.”

Grace showed me how to hold the knife in my other hand while she put her hand on top of mine. Together we pushed an pulled the knife — forward an back, forward an back, over the bread.

“There you go, Ruby Jean — a nice slice of bread that can be popped into the toaster.”

Grace showed me how to take the toaster oudda the cupboard an plug it into the wall. Then she showed me how to put the slice of bread into it an to push down the handle. I tried to look inside to watch it toasting but there was hot air comin up into my face an I had to back off.

“The most important thing is to never put the knife into the toaster. That's very dangerous, Ruby Jean, and you could get hurt. Will you promise that you'll never do that?”

I could tell by the way Grace's eyes were starin into me that she was tellin me somethin important. I nodded my head so she knowed I promised.

Soon there was a licious smell fillin the kitchen, an that's when I suddenly membered somethin. I membered I'd made toast before. Yup, Gramma showed me long time ago. After a liddle while the toast popped up.

“Mmm, doesn't that look good? Take the toast out and put it on the plate.” The toast was warm, even a liddle hot. “Okay, now what would you like to put on your toast, Ruby Jean — butter, jam, peanut butter — your choice?” I took the small knife off the counter an dipped it into the budder an spread it. Grace smiled. “Ruby Jean? You know how to do this, don't you?” Then I put the knife into the peanut budder jar an spread that over my toast too. Grace had a bigger smile. Then she laughed when I put the knife into the jam jar an spread some jam over top the peanut budder. “You're amazing, Ruby Jean. Look what you can do.”

I broke my toast — some for Grace an some for me. We ate the toast together, but it was hard chewin with such a big smile on my face.

After that Grace let me do it again. I cut the bread … careful not to squeeze the kitten too hard … put the slice in the toaster … an then put budder an peanut budder an jam all over it. Then I got to eat it — yup, tasted so good it made my mouth awful slurpy.

“Ruby Jean, this is wonderful. I wonder how many other things you already know how to do.”

Maybe Gramma taught me other things, but I had a hard time memberin. That's on account of it was so long ago when I was allowed to do somethin for myself.

“Would you like to make some tea now, Ruby Jean? I bet you'll find that easy to learn since you're so smart.”

Suddenly, my face got all hot. I sure liked Grace — yup, a awful lot. But it weren't right for her to say I was smart. The uniforms, Mom, Harold, everybody — they all knowed I had to live at Woodlands on account of me not bein so smart. Like Morris said, “No smarter than your average mutt.”

After me an Grace made tea we sat at the kitchen table to drink it. I wished I could've told her we needed more toast to go with the tea.

“Isn't this nice?” Grace asked. “Sitting here, drinking tea, far from all the noise. It won't be long, Ruby Jean, and you'll be ready to leave Woodlands — to live in the community.”