Fractured Affections (The Affections Series Book 1) (23 page)

Once he pulls away, I know I have to finish my story. “There’s more. In my clouded brain, I started to feel angry with you again for bringing him back into our lives. Once that resentment took root, I thought that sleeping with Striker would be a way to get back at you. It would allow me and Striker to have a little secret of our own. I wanted to hurt you for lying to me, over the years.”

“Wait, you just said you didn’t sleep with Striker.” His hands travel down to my hips and he pushes me away slightly, getting a good look at my face.

“I didn’t, but I would have in that moment, if it weren’t for Striker. He had enough sense that night to push me away.” I keep my eyes trained on his, trying to stay strong and get the truth out.

Dalton tips his head back and looks to the ceiling composing himself before he looks back down to me, red faced and nostrils flared. “I’ve apologized a million times for lying to you, but you still want to hurt me. Are you sure that’s your only motive Rea? You just admitted to still loving him. So, if you didn’t sleep together, what happened? ”

“I’m not sure I want to go into detail.”

“Well, I think I deserve to know everything that happened. Don’t you?” His face contorts and I know he’s having trouble believing me.

“I ah …. I kissed him.” God this is so hard. I don’t want to hurt him in this way. I should have just yelled and screamed at him for all the hurt he caused me with his lies. Then, I wouldn’t have felt the need to pursue another man.

“Yeah? And?” He pushes me to continue as he steps away from me again.

“I was upset that I told him about Dylan, which set him off. Somehow I got in his lap when he was trying to put my drunken self in place. Once he was through with his speech about Dylan, I took advantage of being on him and tried to seduce him.”

“But you only kissed?”

This is the worst part, but I force the words to pass my lips. “There was a little more touching on my part.”

Dalton’s face scrunches as he stares at me, like he’s trying to contemplate his next move. It throws me off. Why isn’t he angry and yelling at me? I need him to at least tell me how much I’ve hurt him, but acting this way confuses me. Why is my husband okay with me touching another man? His calm reaction actually pisses me off. “Are you going to say anything?”

“What do you want me to say? You wanted to sleep with another man. I don’t know how to react to it right now, Rea,” he says with a little more force and aggravation.

“Yell at me, be angry, tell me how wrong I was.” My voice begins to rise, so I turn and take a few breaths.

“Yell at you for what, Rea? I knew the risk, asking him to come here. You think you hid your feelings so well, over the years, but you didn’t. I knew there was a chance that Striker would come here and things may happen, especially with me being out of town. I also knew one of you would be strong enough to say no, but for some reason I thought it would be my wife, the person who promised me forever, remember?” He’s starting to give me the reaction I expected. His face is crimson now and he’s speaking through clenched teeth, trying to control his anger.

Walking back up to him with tears slipping from my eyes, the ache in my chest spreads throughout my body. I try to find an explanation. “I was so confused. I can’t even figure my own heart out sometimes.”

“Confused about what, Rea? Our marriage?” He says with disbelief.

“About everything that’s been going on. Why Striker shows up at our doorstep with no warning? Why you have been pulling away, lately? Things started out strong when you first left, but then I received fewer and fewer phone calls, and the ones I did get were cut so short, I just don’t know what’s going on with you.” My arms are spread wide, pleading with him to give me some answers. “Why did you hide things from me for all these years? Should I not be angry and upset? You’re my husband, remember? We shouldn’t keep secrets from one another.”

“I’ve never been perfect, Rea. I was scared too. Try being the second choice through our entire relationship. Of course, I kept you away from Striker. I couldn’t risk you leaving me for him.”

I look deep into his eyes. “Then why now? That’s what’s been bothering me the most.”

“Because I love you! I love you, more than I love myself.”

God, he is being completely infuriating. He brings Striker back into my life, and I’m supposed to believe it’s because he loves me. What the hell does that mean? He loves me enough to put all my hurt and pain out there in my face, and then confuse the hell out of me to boot. I just don’t understand.

“Because you love me, really? Okay, can you stop feeding me the bullshit and be honest.”

“I’ve told you about everything that I’ve kept from you.”

“No, you’ve told me about the stuff from over the years, but what has been going on recently?”

Dalton’s back goes rigid. “What are you talking about?”

“Look at you! You’re practically frozen with guilt, but you’re still playing the ‘I’m so innocent’ card.” Throwing my hands up, I can’t help but feel annoyed. “You’ve had something going on for the past several months, but for some reason you’re keeping it from me. First you say that work won’t be your priority anymore, and you’ll make more time for me. The next thing I know, you’re hopping on a plane out of town and sending my ex to our doorstep. I’m sorry if I can’t help but feel like there’s something you’re keeping from me.”

Dalton strides are slow as he walks over to look out the kitchen window, leaning forward with his hands planted on the counter. His shoulders rise and fall with each deep breath. When his head falls forward, I notice a few stray tears drip from his face into the sink.

“I’m not ready to talk about it.” His left hand reaches up running along his nose. “I’m not even ready to accept it yet, how can I talk about it?”

“Accept what, Dalt? Maybe if you tell me, we can work it out together. Like married people are supposed to do. Stop keeping me in the fucking dark Dalton. I’m your wife, not your child!”

“I’ve only ever tried to protect you.”

“Gah! I feel like we are speaking in circles. Come on and just tell me. I can handle it, okay? Stop treating me like a fragile toy.”

I wish he would turn around and face me already. Get it over with. I’m dying to know what the hell is going on. I’ve waited patiently. I never bothered him about it, while he was away, but now’s the time. He can’t keep hiding things from me.

He’s still staring out the window. “I don’t want you to hate me, Rea. ‘Cause I feel like I’m about to do the same thing everyone else has done to you, and I can’t forgive myself for it. I can’t help but be angry and pissed that for once, I have no control. I don’t have a say!”

I walk over to stand behind him. “Please, Dalton, what is going on? I need you to tell me.”

He turns slowly. I can tell he wants to get whatever it is off his chest. It’s killing him. He looks like he’s on the verge of exploding. His jaw is tight as tears continue to pour from his eyes. I can’t even tell if he’s breathing but then it happens.

He breaks.

Dalton pushes away and is practically screaming. “Life isn’t fair! I’ve tried to do it all right, so why is God being so cruel to me? What the fuck did I do? I’ve been a good person. I always put others first, and how am I repaid for it? I get the worst news of my life, and then when I leave town to try and fix it, my wife tries to sleep with another man.” He is moving frantically around the kitchen. “Why, Rea?”

I stand silently, watching my husband fall apart. My hand covers my mouth. I try to hold in all the emotions rolling through me at this pivotal moment. Tears are now streaming down my face. This is bad, whatever it is, but he still won’t say it. I’m not sure I want to know anymore. Once he says it, I know things will be different. I just want things to be the same. No more change, just us together with our boys, in our happy home. What could be worse than my betrayal?

“I don’t want this. I’m too young. My boys are too young, and I want you forever, but I can’t have you.” He’s filled with anguish as he looks to me.

Now I’m pacing the kitchen, still forcing my emotions down, but I lose the battle. My legs feel weak. I’ve never seen him like this. His pain breaks me. I grab onto the back of a chair to steady myself. After a moment, Dalton approaches me. He turns me to face him and wraps me in his arms, as we cry together for what feels like an eternity.

He pulls away and wipes the tears from my eyes. “I’m not ready, but life isn’t fair. So many unknown thoughts are floating through my mind, unanswered questions, of how this could happen to me. The only truth I know right now is that I love you Rea, I always have.”

“I love you, too.”

“Do you? ‘Cause I can’t leave this earth thinking what you and I shared wasn’t real.”

“What do you mean, leave this earth?” I can’t speak. My heart is beating in my ears and I feel my blood pressure rising.

“Do you Rea? Do you love me, with everything you have? I need to know, before I continue.”

“Of course I do Dalton. It took me a long time to figure it out, you were all I needed in life, but we have some things to work out after everything that’s happened,” I say.

“Okay,” he whispers, “I wasn’t out of town for work. There was this center in Texas, running clinical trials on patients with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It was my last option.”

Shaking my head I try to clear his words. “Please, no. No. No. No.”

“I have cancer, Rea. I’m dying, baby, and there’s nothing they can do.”

“NO! NO! NO! You can’t be. I need you! We have boys to raise. I can’t do it alone.” I almost crash to the ground in shock, but Dalton catches my weight and sinks slowly to the floor, placing me in his lap. I cry into his neck as he rocks us back and forth. Pulling back I look into his eyes. “You can’t leave me. You need to do more. There has to be something.”

“There’s nothing. I’ve talked to every specialist across the country Rea.”

“Then find someone in another country. Try harder!”

“I have tried; you think this is easy for me. I’m dying! I will live the remainder on my days knowing that each one could be my last. I’m not ready for this either.” He shifts, creating more distance between us. “I don’t want to fucking die. I’m not ready. I’m thirty one years old for Christ’s sake. I won’t see my boys grow up. I’ll never have grandchildren. I didn’t choose this. I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”

His arms have fallen from around me, and his veins bulge in his neck as he screams. How could this be happening to us? To him? I sit up to look at my husband and take in every curve and angle of his face. Reaching up I trace his eyebrow, down his cheek, and across his jaw. He’s such a great man. How will I live without him? My rock. My love.

“Please, don’t leave me,” I whisper.

It takes him a moment to compose himself. “You won’t be alone Rea.”

“How? I know I have the boys, but that’s not the same. I need you.” Life will never be the same. He’s been there for me since I was eleven years old.

“There’s more to the reason why I asked Striker here, baby. I don’t want you to be alone. When I die, I need to know you have someone here to care for you.”

A sob breaks free as I take in what he’s saying.  Even though he is the one who is sick and dying, he’s trying to put my needs before his.

“You can’t just force another man into my life. I don’t want anyone else Dalt. I want you. How did you think this would work? You can’t map my life out for me.” I can’t believe he thought this would work.

“It’s not like that, baby. Whether the two of you decide to be together or not when I’m gone, isn’t the point. He loves you. He loves the boys. You guys are a family and you will need each other. I feel like I can die peacefully knowing that you and the boys are cared for. I need him here Rea; it’s the most important thing I can ask of you.”

My breathing is erratic. Hiccups escape my chest as I try to catch my breath. “How long have you kept this from me?”

“I was diagnosed almost three months before I left for Texas.” Shame and grief are evident on his face.

How could he keep this from me? Something as important as this. “You’ve betrayed my trust so many times. How could you keep this from me for all these months?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you. I don’t wanna leave you, Rea. I thought if I could find help, then telling you would be easier, but there are no options out there for me,” he says and begins to stand.

I place my hand on his leg to keep him in place, trying to figure out where to go from here. Even with Striker back, I’m not sure I can handle Dalton’s prognosis. “How much time do they think you have?”

“Less than a year.”

It’s hard to comprehend the severity of the situation, right now. I’m in complete and utter shock. I don’t respond because what is there to say? I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. I will have to live without him. How selfish is that? He’s the one who is sick, and who will most likely suffer before he dies.

He’s right, he won’t get to watch our children grow and become adults. He will never experience grandchildren. He won’t grow old and enjoy a life in retirement. He won’t get to do anything now but live, knowing that he’s dying; that everyday might be his last. He pulls me in close again.

“I’m so sorry, Rea,” he whispers again, “I know I’ve had six months to come to terms with this. It doesn’t make it easier, but the shock has faded, and I’ve had time to think about things and the fact that you guys will need to learn to live without me.”

As we continue to sit on the floor wrapped in each other’s arms; I remain silent, trying to grasp my new reality, hoping it’s only a dream.

We sit shedding tears for the things that won’t ever be. Shedding tears for the things we can’t change. Shedding tears for our children, who will grow up without their father. Shedding tears for a love that will be cut short. Shedding. Shedding. Shedding.

“I love you,” Dalton whispers.

“This can’t be real, Dalt,” I cry.

“I know baby, but it is.”

Thank You!

Thank you for reading
Fractured Affections
. The next installment in The Affections series,
Mended Affections
, is expected to release in 2016. If you enjoyed this book, please take a moment and leave a review.