Forgivin' Ain't Forgettin' (39 page)

“You and Trevor have to talk about something like that. A marriage without clear communication is destined for disaster.”

“Disaster,” she said quietly. “That defines last night.”

Vivaca had a way of partially shutting her left eye when she lacked understanding.

“I still have vaginismus,” Cassidy clarified.

“Since finding out you had the condition, I’ve done some reading, which I’m sure you have, too.”

“Yes.” She’d purchased a book and downloaded Internet information.

“Every case is different because every woman is different,” Vivaca said. “Some women overcome the dysfunction quicker than others. You need to be patient and follow the procedures your therapist advises. And certainly, you as a Christian woman must keep standing on God’s Word. Your healing is going to come, Cassidy.”

Cassidy fiddled with the fringes of the place mat. “What if it doesn’t? What if having this condition is the price I have to pay for something I did a long time ago?” Cassidy opened the door of her life wider, sharing with Vivaca about Minister and the baby. She waited in silence for Vivaca to reprimand her for her poor decisions. But like Trevor, Vivaca radiated compassion.

“God loves us even when we do things that displease Him. And when we go to Him for forgiveness, He doesn’t have to think about it. He forgives and forgets the moment we ask.”

“That’s what I want to do. I want to forget that I was stupid enough to sleep with a man who didn’t love me, and then give away my child.”

Vivaca leaned forward and draped her hand over Cassidy’s. “Sweetheart, forgivin’ ain’t forgettin’.”

Cassidy stared at the pastor’s wife. Vivaca smiled kindly and said, “The Bible says God forgives and forgets. But that’s not how human beings are wired. Yes, the choice to forgive or not lies within us, but when it comes to our memories, we can’t simply make them disappear because we want them to.”

“But doesn’t the Bible say we should forget those things which are behind us?”

“Baby, that scripture means that instead of sitting and dwelling on the mistakes of the past, we are to let go and move forward in spite of those mistakes. If we release the pain of our past to God, He will give us the strength to recall our past without experiencing the anger or depression that was once associated with it.” She paused. “Do you understand?”

“You’re saying I’ll never forget.”

“I’m saying you’ll remember, but you’ll have God’s peace.”

Cassidy nodded that she understood.

“As for your concern as to whether or not God is making you pay for your mistakes, trust me, Cassidy, I haven’t been where you’ve been, however I’ve messed up, too. So I’m here to tell you, yes, while there are consequences for every action, good or bad, God is not inflicting pain on me or you because of mistakes we made years ago or yesterday or even this morning. The Word says the Lord takes pleasure in us. He rejoices and sings over us.

“Over the years,” Vivaca continued, “I’ve counseled many women who’ve had abortions. One woman was forty-two when she came to see me. For
twenty-one years,
she’d lived behind the bars of self-condemnation. And
you
, Cassidy, have self-imposed the same prison.” She made strong eye contact. “God’s not punishing you, but you’ve been punishing yourself. Now, I’m not saying you’re purposely causing the vaginismus, but your body
is
reacting to what’s going on in your mind. And what I see is that you’re not merely fearful of reliving another pregnancy, you don’t think you’re
worthy
of another pregnancy. You don’t believe you
deserve
to have another baby.”

Vivaca had discerned Cassidy’s hidden truth, and Cassidy dropped her gaze. Vivaca questioned gently, “Isn’t it time to revoke the life sentence you’ve given yourself and love yourself as God loves you?”

Love herself. She had stopped loving herself the moment she stepped away from her son. Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded, too choked up to speak.

“I want you to close your eyes and go back to the night you abandoned the baby.”

Cassidy tensed, shrinking from the instruction.

“You can do it. I’ll walk with you.” Sealing her promise, Vivaca squeezed Cassidy’s hand. Cassidy closed her eyes. “Find the moment you returned from the hospital,” Vivaca said.

I can do this.
Cassidy inhaled and exhaled.
I can do all things through Christ,
she said to her fear, commanding it to back away from her.

“Do you see yourself?” Vivaca asked.

“Yes.”

“Where are you?”

“Sitting in my dorm room. Minister dropped me off there. He said he would be back soon. He had some stuff to do and—”

“No, Cassidy,” Vivaca tenderly silenced her. “This particular moment is not about Minister. You’re going to have to deal with how you feel about yourself before you can adequately deal with your feelings about Minister.” Her directions were solid. “I want you to keep the focus on you.”

Cassidy felt Vivaca come and stand behind her. Vivaca’s hands covered Cassidy’s shoulders, and Cassidy reached and clutched Vivaca’s fingers, taking the support. “I’m sitting on my bed,” Cassidy said.

“And how do you feel?”

“Sad.” She sighed. “Scared, too. I want to go back to the hospital and get my baby, but I’m afraid.”

“Go and sit with that frightened young woman,” Vivaca directed. “Put your arms around her. Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

“Now,” Vivaca said softly, “tell her, ‘I forgive you.’”

Cassidy stiffened, trying to hold herself together, but tears oozed out of her eyes and down her face. The few that didn’t fall straight from her chin traveled under it, making their final home somewhere along her neck. “I forgive you,” she managed to whisper.

“I release you of the guilt, the regret, and the shame,” Vivaca said.

Cassidy swallowed hard and said it all.

Vivaca continued to guide with the voice of a caring shepherdess. “Tell her, ‘God loves you and I love you.’”

“God loves you . . . and I love you.”

chapter forty-three

A
horn honked, a car pulled over to the curb, and Cassidy stopped walking. Dunbar got out of his Saturn and stepped up on the sidewalk. He had on a dark suit and a paisley tie. The cordiality in his eyes suggested he wanted to give her a hug, but he simply said, “Hi.”

She smiled. “Hi.”

“You okay?”

Dunbar had either been in the first service or heard what happened. Cassidy supposed the entire membership would know before the sun went down.

“Yes, I’m okay,” she said, the pure truth.

“Good,” he said. “Are you on your way home?”

She nodded.

“Can I give you a ride?”

A city transit bus rumbled past, and she waited until the gruff sound died. “I don’t mind walking.”

“You know, you once said you would always be my friend.” He opened the passenger door. “And I’ll always be yours. So come on and get in.”

The shoes Cassidy had on weren’t the best for the walk that lay ahead, and her feet had begun protesting three blocks ago. But even if Cassidy had been wearing sneakers, she would have accepted Dunbar’s invitation.

He shifted the gears from park to drive. “How are your little girls?”

“They’re fine. They’re with their aunt today.” Cassidy added, “Brittney’s not too happy with me right now. She thinks I’m too hard on her.”

“When she’s older, she’ll look back and she’ll be glad you were hard. You just keep on being there for her and loving her and disciplining her when she needs it, and she’ll be okay.”

Cassidy nodded. “I know she will.”

“Are you still walking for exercise?”

“Yes. Are you?”

“Yes, and I have a new partner.” He paused. “Her name is Indiya.”

Cassidy smiled. “Indiya Rovell? From the drama ministry?”

Dunbar’s grin broadened. “Yeah.”

“I’ve talked to her several times. She’s a nice person.”

“I think so. I’m taking her out next weekend.”

Cassidy chuckled. “For real?”

“For real.”

“That’s great, Dunbar. I’m glad for you.”

“Thanks.”

Dunbar halted the car in front of her home. He came around and held the door open for her as she vacated the seat. His words froze her to the pavement. “Trevor loves you.”

A long but gentle moment passed. “I love him, too.”

“I’ll be praying for the both of you. I want things to work out for you two.”

Cassidy gazed into Dunbar’s peaceful and sincere eyes. “Thank you,” she said.

The gravel shifted, its tiny teeth crunching under Cassidy’s sneakers as she sauntered across the park toward Trevor. He was on the basketball court, thick into a game with a group of boys in their middle to upper teenage years. Trevor, hands poised, threw his strong shoulders left then right, stretched his long legs, and lifted his heels off the ground just before shooting the ball. His movements had been as fluid and as forceful as good music, and Cassidy understood why so many women found him attractive. But as handsome as Trevor was, it was still his heart Cassidy loved best.

Back at the other end of the court, Trevor reached into the air to block a shot and noticed Cassidy for the first time. He immediately lowered his arm, and the kid with the ball made the basket. “I’m taking a break,” Cassidy heard her husband say.

The youngsters continued to play as Trevor walked to the sidelines. As soon as he stopped in front of her, Cassidy asked, “Do you know them?”

Somewhere between church and here, Trevor had changed clothes. He lifted the edge of his black T-shirt and wiped the sweat from his face, then looked back at the young men. “No, I don’t know them. A couple of them were about to fight when I pulled up. I got them involved in a game to take their minds off of killing each other.” He gave Cassidy a long stare. “How did you know I was here?”

When Cassidy stopped home to change into casual clothing, she had called Grace to find out if Trevor was with her and Houston. Then she drove to the gym where Trevor worked out and on to the bakery. With no sign of Trevor at either place, she had prayed,
Where is he, Lord?
The answer came as she was about to give up and go home. “I received some help from above,” she answered, before sending a glance across the sun-toasted playground, the same playground where Trevor had proposed to her. “Can we talk, please?” Cassidy took in Trevor’s face, an unreadable page.

“Over there,” he said with a nod, and they moved toward the empty swings.

Cassidy sat on one of the black curved seats and rested her hands on her knees. She shoveled a patch of sand with the toe of her sneaker. Trevor had lowered himself to a seat, too. He looped his arms around the metal chains and hooked his hands together. He examined her, then looked elsewhere.

“So this is where you come to get away from me,” she whispered.

“No. This is where I come to chill out and get my thoughts together.”

She kept her voice low. “I don’t understand why you don’t pick up when I call.”

“I usually leave my phone in the glove compartment when I’m playing ball.” He paused. “But that’s no excuse.” His gaze held hers. “I know I was wrong not to respond to your calls. I know it was inconsiderate of me not to tell you where I was today and the other times. I’m sorry,” he said.

“I forgive you,” she said.

“I’ve never been with Yaneesha.”

“I know.”

“You’re the only woman I want.”

“Are you sure?” Seeing the confusion on his brow, she spoke frankly. “The night you took Kendall back to the hotel, you didn’t come home right away. Did something happen between the two of you?”

Once again, he made sure they were locked into each other’s gaze before talking. “I made a bad decision and accompanied Kendall to her hotel room. She came on to me, and initially, I didn’t stop her because I didn’t want to stop her. But I knew that if I didn’t stop her, I was going to end up doing something foolish. So I walked away and never looked back.”

His admission. It hurt. But to choose unforgiveness would hurt her, him, so much more. “Thank you for being honest,” she croaked.

“Now it’s your turn,” he said, and she regarded him with surprise. “What was really going on inside of your head last night? Why were you so determined to go against the doctor’s advice?”

Cassidy looked down at the sand again. “At the time, I thought you and Kendall might have been intimate, and I was blaming myself and wanting to prove to you and myself, too, that I’m just as much woman as she is.”

Trevor pulled the chain of Cassidy’s swing, turning her to him, bringing her closed knees between his open thighs. He spoke into her eyes. “Number one, if I had committed adultery with Kendall or anyone else, there’s only one person that would’ve been to blame, and that’s me. And number two, you don’t ever need to prove anything to me because no woman in the world means more to me than you or makes me as happy as you do.”

He continued, “When we said our marriage vows, and I promised to love you in sickness and in health, I never thought we’d be faced with something right away. I’m sure most people don’t. But I meant my vows, Sky. So I will love you for as long as it takes you to get better, no matter how long.”

Cassidy remembered last night. When she spoke of it today in Vivaca’s kitchen, she said it had been a disaster. But the truth was that the early stages of her and Trevor’s intimacy had been beautiful, and she cherished the closeness that came with it. Dr. Tia’s advice to move slowly, though, had been wise. “I need more time,” she admitted.

He nodded. “I will wait for you,” he promised. “And during the waiting, I will remain devoted to you and only you.” He held her chin, and his tone grew huskier. “You are my angel.”

She smiled. “And you are mine,” she said. She slowly leaned forward and tenderly kissed his lips. Sooner than she wanted, she put a period to the kiss, the teen boys nearby.

“When I go to see the pastor tomorrow, I would like for you to come with me.”

“I’ll be there,” she said.

He looked to the car. “I see you drove the Maxima.”

Cassidy wasn’t sure why, but for once, Trevor didn’t refer to the car as “Brenda’sMaxima.” When she first arrived today, she had thought she would tell him he’d been chanting Brenda’s name in his sleep, within his dreams. But, she now realized, some things in life truly didn’t matter. Cassidy loved Trevor. Trevor loved her. They both loved God. They had two healthy girls. Derek was in a good home. Those were the things that mattered. “My car wouldn’t start. I don’t think it can be resuscitated,” she said.