Forgivin' Ain't Forgettin' (37 page)
Trevor said quietly, “I’m shocked Minister didn’t try to talk you into an abortion.”
“He suggested one. But when I found out I was pregnant, I was too far along for an abortion. Otherwise . . .” She was ashamed to say it, but if she’d found out earlier, she would have terminated the pregnancy if Minister had wanted her to. All she ever did was try to please him. Minister could have asked her to fly off the roof, and she would have tried it. She remembered the night Minister introduced her to alcohol. She had two beers before he asked her to go to the store for him. Halfway there, she couldn’t remember what she was supposed to buy. But it didn’t matter, since she never made it to the store. Instead, she crashed Minister’s car into the mailbox of a local minister. He and his wife took her in for the night. In the morning, they said they had prayed, and the Lord had directed them to refrain from calling the police. Still, they wanted her to come and speak to the youth at the church as retribution.
“Minister’s dead now,” she said, and met Trevor’s curious scrutiny. “He got involved with some preacher’s wife. The preacher shot him in the head.”
Trevor’s voice remained soft. “Is the baby you had with Minister the reason you’re afraid to have one with me?”
Cassidy was slow to speak, but she answered all that was in her heart. “Being pregnant would force me to feel the past, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel another baby growing inside me. I don’t want to remember how it felt to give birth to my son and hold him. It hurts too much.” Loads of women at church had given birth over the years, and while everyone else oohed and aahed and begged to cuddle up with one of the babies, Cassidy kept her distance. She avoided the church nursery and the diaper aisle in the grocery store and the baby section in department stores. “Honestly, I just want to forget that the whole thing with Minister and the baby ever happened.”
He held one side of her face. “I wish I could get you through this on my own, but I don’t know how. However, God’s given every person a gift, and there are those He has called to help the emotionally broken. Baby, there’s someone who can help you work through your issues and fears and bad memories.” He lifted his head and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. “You can do this. I’ve seen how determined you are when it comes to those ACES kids. Now it’s time for you to fight for you.”
“Yes,” she whispered, her trepidations about counseling already beginning to wane as her desire to please God increased.
“Heavenly Father,” Trevor began, taking her hand, “we acknowledge You as our source. Therefore, we thank You in advance that Cassidy, as Your daughter, is equipped with Your strength, and she will not walk in fear, but in Your power. I thank You for her, Father. I thank You that she is a godly woman who loves You. Help both of us as we commit to live totally surrendered to You. Fill us with Your Spirit so that every part of our marriage will bring glory unto You. Help us as we attempt to raise our children according to Your Word so that they will grow up remembering Your principles and likewise they will one day teach their children Your way.
“Father, thank You for dying on the cross, so that not only can we know forgiveness, but healing, too. Your Word assures that You heal broken hearts and bind up wounds. Our wounds are too big for us to bear, but not too big for You to heal because nothing is too hard for You. So we lay our pain at Your feet, believing that we’re already made whole and fully delivered.” He kissed her hand and whispered, “Amen.”
“Amen,” she whispered in accord.
T
he flat heels of their sandals rapped the floor as Cassidy and Lena carried yellow plastic trays to a table. Saturday shoppers would soon pack the food court, but as of now, the closest people to Cassidy and Lena were three tables away. It had been a month since the friends had a day out together, and they’d spent the morning store-hopping from one end of the mall to the other and would spend the afternoon at the day spa.
“Hey,” Lena said suddenly after chewing a bite of a thick cheeseburger. “I haven’t given you proper congratulations for bringing home that spelling bee win.” Lena stood, raised and lowered her arms in a dramatic representation of a bow.
“Girl, will you sit down,” Cassidy said, shining a smile, tickled with Lena and with the fact that ACES had won the first-place trophy this summer.
Lena plugged Cassidy in on all of her latest wedding plans while they ate. “Hulk and I have decided to have the reception in the church hall. It’ll be less expensive than the outside places we’ve investigated. We’ve selected a DJ, and she’s going to play inspirational love songs. We want to have dancing. Do you think Pastor Audrey will allow it?”
“He might. You’ll have to ask him.” Cassidy poked a white fork into one of the strips of grilled chicken tossed throughout a garden of crisp mixed greens. When all the wedding talk came to a lull, Cassidy unveiled the part of her life Lena had not been knowledgeable about. Lena used a napkin to blot tears from her cheeks as Cassidy told her about the night she gave her son away.
“You could have confided in me.” Lena blew her nose. “I would’ve been there for you.”
“I’m in counseling for another matter as well,” Cassidy explained a few minutes later, and Lena looked more stunned than when Cassidy had told her about the baby.
“You mean you and Trevor have never had . . .” Lena gulped the word rather than speak it.
“Intercourse,” Cassidy helped her. “It’s not a bad word, you can say it.”
“What’s the condition called again?”
“Vaginismus.”
“Girl, I’ve never heard of anything like that before.”
“It’s not terminal or contagious,” Cassidy said lightly, because Lena still looked so unsettled.
“And counseling has helped you cope with all this?”
“God is really using Dr. Tia to help me process everything.” Sitting down and exposing her feelings had been easier than expected, although the first getting-to-know-you session had not been without some apprehension. But the therapist had an approachable smile, a gentle spirit, and a way of making Cassidy feel like everything she said was valid and nothing she said was stupid, and Cassidy had relaxed and opened up to Dr. Tia Morris within the hour. Now Cassidy looked forward to the sessions with Dr. Tia. As a Christian, she often pointed Cassidy to scriptures that edified and strengthened.
During this week’s session, Cassidy exercised her emotional muscles and made Herbie a topic. In her heart, Cassidy still nursed wishes and dreams of becoming Herbie’s mother. With Dr. Tia’s assistance, Cassidy explored the possibility that she was trying to replace her son with Herbie. But with a clear conscience, Cassidy had been able to admit differently. She could never replace the precious baby she’d given birth to. And in turn, she could never put such a burden on Herbie. What she could do was give Herbie lots of love and a safe home. Trevor, however, had not mentioned the subject of adopting Herbie, and Cassidy had left it alone, too. For the time being, it was best to concentrate on herself, her marriage, and her daughters.
Recently, Brittney had started testing Cassidy’s authority. Early on, Cassidy had thought Brittney’s misbehavior was because Derek was in the house and she was showing off for his benefit. But with Trudy’s brother and sister-in-law accepting guardianship of Derek, Derek had been gone for a week, and Brittney was still out of order. “Last night we had chicken for dinner, which I’ve fixed before and she’s eaten with no problem. Yet this time she says with her face contorted, ‘I don’t like this chicken.’ Then she whines, ‘My
real
mom made better chicken than this.’”
“Ouch,” Lena hissed. “That had to sting.”
“More than a little,” Cassidy confessed. “Of course, I didn’t let the kids see the wound.” Cassidy pushed her empty plate away, getting some of the leftover sesame-soy vinaigrette on her fingers. She wiped her hands on a napkin.
“So how did you handle the situation?”
“I told her calmly yet firmly she didn’t have to eat the chicken, but she couldn’t have any of the cake Trevor made, either. She agreed and helped me with the dishes without any complaint. That should’ve been a clue she was up to no good.”
Lena listened attentively.
“When Trevor got in from work, Brittney ran to the door, jumped in his arms, and the first thing she asked him was, ‘How was your day, Daddy?’ They were both all kissy and giggly. Then the second thing she asked was . . .” Cassidy pointed to Lena.
“Can I have some cake?” Lena filled in the blank with no problem. Shaking her head, she said, “Kids will try you. So how did you and Trevor handle her?”
“Well, of course, she didn’t have any cake. Trevor and I had a talk with her and then sent her to bed with no television, either.”
Lena lifted the one french fry left on her plate and hacked it in half with her teeth. “It’s good Trevor backs you up. I know parents who let their kids play those divide-and-conquer games, and all it does is cause more household confusion.”
Cassidy and Lena placed their trays above the trash receptacle on the ledge designated for dirty trays. Their spa appointment was scheduled to begin in fifteen minutes, and after a restroom stop, they hurried to the exit for parking lot D. “A massage is exactly what I need,” Lena said, shopping bags hanging from both hands.
Cassidy smiled, depending on this massage, too. It would help her relax and feel more confident about the romantic surprise she had planned for Trevor.
A
trail of long-stemmed red roses and the whisper of jazz lured Trevor to the master bedroom. He opened the door, a twine of excitement undulating through his body as he inhaled the fragrance of vanilla. He had no clue if it was the scent of the candles or something Cassidy had sprayed, but it was well pleasing.
He lingered in the open doorway, taking in the picture. All of the curtains were closed, shielding Trevor and Cassidy from any moonbeams, and one bedside lamp was turned on low. The dim room flickered with candleshine, and a small round table draped with a white tablecloth displayed a big bowl of fresh strawberries, a pair of flutes, and an ice bucket bearing a long green bottle of his preferred brand of sparkling cider. His wife adorned the center of the bed, reclining against a wall of pillows, looking lovely—and blue, dressed in the bathrobe he favored.
“Hello,” she said in a low, musical voice.
Trevor feigned indifference for a few moments, and then the smile he was stifling burst onto his lips. “Hello to you, too, Sky,” he said. He reached to close the door behind him.
“You can leave it open. The kids are with Penny.” She had arranged for a sleepover several days ago.
Trevor slowly crossed the room, removing his necktie as he walked closer to the silken voice. He stopped between the bed and the table Cassidy had prepared. Now he noticed the smaller bowl, filled with white powder.
“Powdered sugar,” she said, gliding to her feet. Strawberries sheathed in powdered sugar were one of his favorite tastes, and he watched, fire spreading through his heart, as Cassidy selected one of the strawberries and rolled it in the soft dust. She raised the fruit to his mouth, and he opened so she could place the whole sweet prize on his tongue. She reached for a napkin, but Trevor wanted all of the sweetness, and starting with her pinkie, nibbled the excess sugar from each of Cassidy’s plain, tapered nails, then tipped her chin and pressed his lips to hers, savoring every wonderful bit of the night’s first kisses. Sighing in unison, they punctuated their kisses with an embrace, Trevor stroking the strip of spine between Cassidy’s shoulder blades with tender admiration, absorbing the softness of her robe.
“No more waiting,” she whispered.
Trevor pushed her braids out of the way and nuzzled her neck. “What do you mean?”
Her husky response tickled his ear. “You know what I mean.”
Trevor worried that he did know. For a few moments, he hugged her tighter and hunted for words that would not wound or offend her. He looked into her face and said sincerely, “I think we should follow Dr. Tia’s advice and let things happen slowly, without pressure.”
Her eyes, so spirited when he’d first come home, became unsure. He was afraid she was taking his apprehension as rejection, whereas what fueled his hesitation was his concern that she was about to get in over her head.
“But I want us to have it all.” She pushed to her toe tips and kissed his goatee. He realized his expression reflected his worry because she added, “I’m better. I know I’m better.”
Trevor smiled into her eyes, although behind her loving gaze hung a shadow of something Trevor couldn’t put into words, something Cassidy wasn’t saying.
“Trust me, Trevor,” she cooed up at him, and he allowed the silk-covered words to wiggle past his better judgment. A second later, he led her to the bed. A minute later, her robe sailed to the floor.
An hour later, the room lay netted in unspoken disappointment. Outfitted in jeans and a pullover shirt, Cassidy tied her sneaker laces with fast-moving fingers.
“Where are you going?” Trevor questioned, his tenor-tone tired as he sat up in the bed.
“I’m going for a drive.” She spit her words as if she might otherwise choke on them. “I need to get out of here.”
“Cassidy.” He softened his voice more. “Don’t walk away. Let’s talk this out, pray through it—”
“I don’t feel like praying,” she snapped, and grabbed her car keys from the dresser. “I feel like screaming because I am so
sick
of having this condition.”
“Honey, you’re not
always
going to have it.” He started to get out of bed, but she stepped back, a sign she needed space, and he abandoned the notion of going to her.
“All I wanted to do tonight was what a woman is supposed to be able to do.” She swallowed what he could only think had to be a big ball of pain. “I want to be normal,” she strained. “I want to be able to satisfy my husband.”
He gave her the truth. “You do satisfy me.”
She stared at him and then, right there, he saw it again—the same wave of “there’s something I’m not saying” that he’d seen in her eyes earlier.