Forgive Me (23 page)

“What’s wrong over there?”

“Blake thinks she was flirting with one of his brothers. Or something else ridiculous,” she says with all the patience of the roommate of the girl who is the “boyfriend type.”

“Do you think they’re going to live happily ever after?” I ask, considering my own future.

“Probably. It will just be a very rough version of the traditional fairy tale.”

“Aren’t they all?”

“I like to think there’s something between ‘alone’ and ‘vicious storm’,” she says, and I can see the back of Noble through the door. It’s amazing how relaxed I am without the crippling stare of a pissed off Jason Leer.

“No wonder you and Noble get along so well,” I say, and we drink our drinks in silence.

Jason and Noble come through the door as a slow song quiets the crowd. It reunites those separated as they find their way to the dance floor. Jason walks up and takes my hand, which stuns me. A few minutes with Noble were worth whatever fears were running through my head. He leads me to the center of the dance floor and pulls me close.

I wrap my arms around his thick neck and rest my head on my own arm resting on his shoulder, and we dance. I hold onto Jason as if this is the last dance of the night, of the year, of our time together, and I forget about my room at 108 Hamilton Street. Jason leans his face on mine and our feet slow. There’s a need igniting and a chill runs to my nipples pushing my body even closer to his. He senses it, too. I lift my head and see in Jason’s eyes an invitation for the rest of my life.

I grab his hand and walk off the dance floor. By the time we push the up button on the elevator I have him pinned against the wall, kissing him furiously. This should have been his welcome to New Jersey, not the police cruiser outside my house. The doors open and we stumble in, still connected in every way.

“What floor?” I ask, unable to complete a thought. Jason’s mouth is on my neck, taking me away from here, away from New Brunswick. His breath hot near my ear makes me forget why I ever wanted to be here in the first place.

“Eleven.” I press the button as he pulls my top down and kisses the top of my breast, just shy of my nipple. His anger is missing, his hatred for my beloved Rutgers has left. He is ravenous and savage, and wholly mine. The doors open, but Jason’s hair in my hands and his tongue on my breast keep me from looking up.

I hear, “We’ll take the next one,” from a girl.

And, “What was wrong with that one,” from a guy who sounds like he’s smacked shortly after.

Jason lifts me up to straddle him. He presses my back to the wall of the elevator and I think he is going to take me right here, right now, but the doors open again on the eleventh floor and he carries me down the hall to our room. We lean against the door with him kissing me, my body still wrapped around him, and I can’t remember what he was even mad about earlier. He is so responsive now, so obviously in love with me. Jason could never hurt me.

I find the key and we fall into the room. Jason takes his time unbuttoning my shirt, and I’m ready to jump out of my skin. I recognize the mercy he has shown me over the years by just ripping my clothes off. His tongue finds my nipple and I moan, never wanting his lips on my body more.

“I love you, Annie,” is the last thing I hear before I disappear into the storm that is Jason Leer.

We dress and return to the party just as things are winding down. The desserts are being packed up by the catering staff and I ask a waitress if she would mind wrapping a cupcake for me.

“Are you hungry?” Jason asks, as if he’s imagining licking the icing off me.

“It’s for Barry. If we’re going to Stuff Yer Face to get Sydney, I want to take him a cupcake.”

“Why?” he asks, completely irritated. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this would bother him.

“Because I think there’s a strong possibility that Barry’s never had a cupcake given to him. In his life,” I say without patience or understanding, because I have none. “I don’t get the sense his mom was whipping up a batch for his birthday every year,” I add and Jason takes the bag from me to carry.

We collect Sydney and deliver the cupcake. Barry is awkward in accepting it even though I try not to make a big deal out of it. We walk Sydney back to Hamilton Street and make sure everyone’s safe and sound in the bottom apartment and grab a cab back to the hotel. Jason looks out the window as we pass Stuff Yer Face again.

“He didn’t even say thank you.”

“I think gratitude is a foreign emotion to him,” I say as I lean into him and he pulls me close, kissing the top of my head. “Can’t you give anyone the benefit of the doubt?”

“Do you have to give it to everyone?” he asks, playful again. I never would have expected this night to be salvaged.

When we’re tucked under the covers and whispering in the darkness of our hotel room I decide this is as good a time as any to talk about tonight. He’s never going to start out gentler. I can’t figure out where to start, knowing exactly where the conversation is going to end. I remember Jason’s conversation with Noble.

“What did Noble say to you at the party?”

Jason’s hand stops playing with my hair.

“What? Something you can’t tell me?” I ask, confused by his silence.

“Sinclair warned me about pushing you,” he says, and takes a deep breath. “He reminded me of how stubborn you are.” I smile a little at Noble’s assessment. “Do you remember in fourth grade running club when Possum told you no girl could beat him running a mile? You specifically. He said, ‘No girl named Charlotte is ever gonna be fast enough to catch me.’”

“I’m still pissed about the whole thing,” I say, and remember how infuriated I was at Possum.

“Sinclair and I were remembering how we’d see you out running after school every day. You hated running, but hated being told what you couldn’t do more.”

“I still hate running,” I say, and shake my head.

“And when it came time for the race, you overtook him by the three-quarter mile mark.” I remember how good it felt to run past poor Possum. “And the crowd starting chanting, ‘Possum stinks. He can’t outrun a girl.’” Poor Possum. “And when you heard them, you slowed down and let him win.”

I look at Jason, trying to piece together exactly what this has to do with my house on Hamilton Street being broken into.

“Sinclair warned me that between your stubbornness and your kindness, there’s no guarantee what happened to Possum was always going to be the outcome. That if I push you too far, you might actually run your fastest, at any cost.”

I roll on top of Jason and kiss him.

“I can’t lose you, Annie,” he says, and runs his fingertips down my bare back. I lay my head on his chest, so happy he’s here in New Jersey, with me.

I wake up on top of Jason, crying into his chest and angry at my mother. This is not fair.

T
he plane lands in Tulsa and I turn on my phone.

I roll my eyes. He’s so ridiculous. I was lucky enough to get on the earlier flight. I’m not going to now sit and wait over an hour for Harlan to get here. I walk off the plane and straight into a car.

When I’m safely on I-64 West I text Harlan.

I wait for him to call, spewing his anger at me, but he doesn’t and I remember he has his last physical therapy appointment this morning and a meeting with the doctor. His plan is to be cleared and then we’re off to Alva, Oklahoma for the last rodeo of the semester. Tonight we can celebrate his return to life-threatening activities and my twenty-second birthday.

When the car pulls up in front of Jason’s loft the sight of his truck weakens my confidence. I take a deep breath and pay the driver. I keep waiting for him to run out and tackle me as I make the short walk to his door.

The door’s unlocked. I open it and step in, looking for Jason, listening for the shower. He closes the door behind me and I jump.

“So you do have some fear in your body?” He’s so beautiful, finally completely healed. He’s broad and solid, and I want to climb on top of him. He’s rubbing his jaw; a clear indication he’s been clenching his teeth. I step toward him and move his hand to kiss him.

“Why must you defy me?” he asks, and I lean into him and kiss him, opening his lips and unleashing my tongue.

“Impossible. You must be confused,” I say, and then kiss him again.

“How’s that?” Jason asks, his voice softening as my hand finds the rest of him hardening.

“To defy you would imply you have some control over me.”

Jason stops my exploring hands with one of his own over them. He rests his arm on the door behind my head and stares at me until I flush. I still refuse to look away. He leans over and kisses my neck and says in my ear, “I think you’ve got this all wrong,” and the touch of his breath on my neck and in my ear leaves me to wonder what we’re even talking about.

Jason reaches his hand up inside my sweater and releases my breasts with two fingers on the hook of my bra. He leans down and takes each one in his mouth, teasing and licking them while I watch. He runs my left nipple between his teeth and when I start to fear if he’s going to bite it off he looks at me, naughty as ever.

He pulls at my jeans. The button and the zipper disintegrate in his fingers.

“Fuck,” I say, pissed because I only brought one other pair with me.

“Oh, we’ll get to that. Don’t be so greedy, Annie.”

Alva is over two hours away, but we drive in for Thursday’s Long Go-Rounds. If things go well, we’ll spend the night tomorrow night. Harlan refuses to ride with us even after we promise to behave in the truck. He’s scarred from Kansas.
Aren’t we all?

Jason and I barely speak on the way. What’s there to say? He’s excited. I am not.

When we reach Northwestern Oklahoma State University Jason parks and walks me to a “good” seat in the arena, but I can’t sit yet. Nervous energy keeps me moving in small steps back and forth. I check the gates of the arena, listen for the cattle in the background, and find the ambulance parked nearby. We were very lucky in Kansas.

“Hey. I’m going to be all right out there,” he says, and I just look at him. “I need you to be all right up here.” I didn’t come to make this harder on him. How can he not be nervous at all?

I can feel the energy coursing through him. He needs bulldogging with the same intensity he needs me. I’m not a suitable substitution.

“Don’t die,” I say rather than good luck, and his smile steadies my heart rate.

“Not a chance.” He kisses me. It’s an embarrassing display of affection that I cannot get enough of. “This will be over before you know it.”

“And then we come back tomorrow.”

“And Saturday. Don’t forget about Saturday, Annie, because I’m definitely making it to the Short Go-Rounds.”

“I may not look it, but I’m very excited,” I say, and kiss his cheek before he walks away, practically skipping, and leaves me alone in the stands.

The flags come rolling in, the national anthem is played, and the arena is cleared. The whole time I feel sick. I might actually throw up. I suffer through bull riding to get to steer wrestling where a pain starts behind my ears and jabs forward to my eyes. Jason is the second run and I barely see the first, too consumed with thoughts of Kansas.

I can’t see his face, he’s too far away, but I can tell it’s him. He’s in the gate and Harlan’s to his right. I’m vaguely aware his name is announced. Jason nods, and the steer runs out followed by Jason and Harlan. He dives from the horse and turns the steer over before I can hold my breath. The crowd is on their feet cheering and Jason turns to me, takes off his hat and points it at me, and smiles a smile that erases the last six months. I take both hands to my lips and blow him a kiss through flowing tears. How does he do it? In less than five seconds I relinquish every note of bitterness toward bulldogging and cheer like a common buckle bunny.

Jason stands, facing me in the arena, for longer than he took to wrestle the steer and I am paralyzed by the sight of him. When he finally replaces his hat and runs out I listen to the fans around me replaying his run and discussing his injuries. A group of girls in the front row catches my eye and I notice Stephanie Harding with them. They must travel to a lot of these. I wave, but she doesn’t see me and keeps talking to the girl next to her.

Jason and I linger at his truck waiting for the parking lot to clear. Cowboys from other schools stop by to congratulate him and talk about Kansas, many of them a witness to the carnage as well. Harlan is the last to say good-bye.

“It’s good to have you back,” he says, and hugs Jason. “You too, Jersey,” he says, and flashes his Harlan grin at me. God, I’m thankful to not be in a hospital waiting room with him right now.

It’s cold tonight, only about forty-five degrees, and I pull my sweater up around my neck. I picked it because it’s long and covers the top of my jeans, which are held together with a rubber band. Jason walks back to me as Harlan pulls away. He somehow looks more beautiful than he ever has before and I silently admit I am completely his. Whatever he wants.

The bats stop flying above and the moon stands still. He commands the air and the sky and my body. When he reaches me he kisses me gently and I lean into him afraid I’ll crumble under the weight of his tenderness.

“I’m better when you’re with me,” he says.

“That’s not true. You’re awesome every time you get on a horse.”

“I’m not talking about bulldoggin’,” he says. I close my eyes and let his voice slip past my lashes and float through my body. Jason leans over to speak directly in my ear. “I can’t wait, Annie. I need you. It has nothing to do with worrying about you.” His words burn my insides and I raise my hands to the back of his neck.

“It’s about needing you,” he says, and I tilt my head toward him, his breath on my neck too much. “And surviving you.” Jason utters a sound, a slight groan, as he kisses my neck and I am lost. He moves my face so our eyes meet. “Do your internship in Oklahoma. Make this our last month apart.”

I kiss him because my body is no longer interested in talking and Jason pulls away. “Not here. I want you in our bed. In our house,” he says, and opens the truck door for me.

Just like that, I’ve gone from an animal to a lady, one he holds the door for and won’t have sex with in a parking lot. I’m not thrilled with the promotion.

I lift my head, disoriented and profoundly sad. I can hear Jason breathing and the dim light brings his face into view. I lay my head back down on Jason’s arm and kiss it. He’s right here in his bed with me, in our loft. He’s with me. I must have fallen asleep on the way home from Alva. I roll toward him and lean over him as I take in his beautiful face. He’s here, not going anywhere.

I swallow the fact we won’t always be together. Something will tear us apart. Death will be the end of us. It’s only a matter of time as long as he’s a steer wrestler. The idea of him leaving consumes me.

“Jason,” I say, and kiss his lips. “Jason, I need you to wake up.” I shake his arm and he raises his head and looks at me, confused.

“Annie, what’s wrong?” he asks, still groggy.

“I had a dream you left me. You left me here alone,” I say, and choke on the tears welling up in my throat. Jason pushes the hair back from my face and pulls me toward him. He kisses me and the chill flows through me. “Jason,” I say, breathless, unsure if I can admit to him that which I can barely admit to myself.

“Annie, you have to believe that we are going to make this work,” he says, bravely confronting my fears. He pulls me to him and kisses me again. “Do you feel that, Annie?” I nod my head in silence. “That’s ours alone.”

Jason rolls me onto my back and crushes me as he kisses me. His lips are intense and hungry and all mine. He sits up and pulls me up by my wrists. He lifts my sweater over my head and takes off my bra. I watch him work with the hopelessness from my dream still burying me. He unhooks the rubber band holding my jeans together and pulls them off. The night air chills me and then Jason is upon me again, warming me with his eyes, and his lips, and his hands.

I tighten my arms around his neck. I’m holding on for dear life and he lets me. He stops and looks in my eyes. His dark, colorless eyes answering every question I’ve ever had and I surrender to the beast. I wait for something to say, but why bother, he knows everything already. I kiss him instead. I kiss him as if this is our last night together, as if he’ll be gone tomorrow. Jason sits up and pulls me on top of him. I press the front of me against him and wrap my legs around his waist as he lowers his head and kisses my neck. I raise my head to the ceiling and fight against the lack of air.

Jason lifts me and guides himself into me and I wish I wasn’t on the pill. I wish I was pregnant with his baby. I want a piece of him forever. My lips never leave Jason’s, my tongue exploring him while I ride him, and when I finally do come up for air he slows his pace and stops me completely.

“Forever,” he says, and I nod.

With this confirmation Jason lays me back on the bed and mounts me. He thrusts into me with a violence that nearly breaks me in half. I lower my legs and put my feet on the bed to anchor my body before it shatters. Jason grabs my hair in his fist as he continues his onslaught. His lips near my neck cover me with his hot breath and I never want to leave his grasp. I hold onto his arms and watch him come a moment before I lose myself to him.

“Come to Oklahoma,” he says, breathless in my ear, and I turn my head and look at the wall. I run my hand through his hair and completely avoid the invitation.

The next two days are awkward. It’s the equivalent to the time your best friend drunk-texted you that he loves you and you tried to act like he didn’t send it, that you never received the text, but you both know you did. Jason presented an option and I’m acting like he didn’t say it.

Jason takes first place in Alva and we arrive back in Stillwater just in time for me to collect my broken jeans and head to the airport. He’s quiet on the drive, finally coming down from the high of domination.

He parks as usual and walks me to the last possible step he can take without a ticket.

“Happy birthday, Annie,” he says, and I can’t read a thing in his eyes.

“I’m glad I was here, but I wish I was staying until Tuesday. I want to wake up on your arm for my birthday,” I say, and kiss him and hold him tight, apologizing for not saying any of the things I should be saying. It’s all jumbling in my head.

You’re everything to me.

You are amazing.

I need you.

I’m nothing without you.

But I stay silent. My departure disputes all of them and although I know it’s not fair, I know it’s true.

“Call me when you get home,” he says, and it might be the most chivalrous thing he’s ever done.

I stumble through security and buy a plum tea at Java Dave’s. I mosey to my gate and sit down. The sadness unhinges me and the tears fall down my face.

You know what, Mom? I already love him. It’s too late. It might have been too late when I mentioned him to you. Maybe he’s part of the master plan, too?

I stand at the announcement of my flight’s pre-boarding and take my phone out of my bag. I stare at it, waiting for the right thing to say to come to me, and then I recognize the truth.

I hit send as I walk back toward the security check point. As I cross the entryway, I can see him leaning on the window, his back to me as he reads my text.

“Can you give me a ride?” I ask, and Jason turns to me in shock. “Car services are very dan—” His lips halt my words and I give in to the knowledge that I belong with Jason Leer. Wherever he is.