Forgive Me (10 page)

“You live here alone?”

“Yes. Except when you’re here. Which I hope will be often.”

“I see why you were so enamored with my nine roommates.”

“The number of you and the price. I pay $400 here.”

“What?” I shout. I see the entire place in a whole new light. The kitchen is enormous, the table and chairs are quaint, and the bed rivals the Four Seasons.

“Four hundred dollars and I have to help with the yard work, but utilities are included and I get to use the washer and dryer in the mudroom of the main house.” At this I have to sit down. I have been lugging my clothes a block away to wash them, trapped for three hours with whoever had nothing clean, either.

“Maybe I will transfer.” Jason’s pleased that I like,
love,
his place. He drops his bag and starts the shower and I start to salivate at the thought of him naked.

We made the bed and collapsed into it. And we slept. For eleven hours straight I lay curled on my side, Jason’s bicep beneath my head. It’s the only position I’ve found that doesn’t leave me maimed the next morning. There’s a strong possibility I never even rolled over last night, or yesterday.

What time is it?
I reach to the nightstand and grab my phone as Jason rolls over and spoons me. It’s 5 a.m. Friday. I have two and a half days left with him and then he’ll be fifteen hundred miles away. I realize I’m clenching my teeth and relax my mouth, moving my jaw slightly.

“Why are you awake? You thinking again, Annie?” he asks, and somehow moves even closer to me.

“You would hate me if I never thought about things,” I retort, taking my anger out on him.

“I love you thinking. I hate you trying to figure us out. By now, you’ve probably calculated to the minute how much time we have left together.” Jason rolls over and steps out of the bed. The entire back of me is cold from his absence. “We both know you’re going back. What is there left to figure out?” He’s angry now, too.
What happened?
We just opened our eyes.

“Why do you say it as if this is my fault? You could transfer to Rutgers.” He looks at me as if this is the
most
ridiculous thing he has ever heard, completely out of the question. He rolls his eyes and walks into the bathroom. I stare at the cracked ceiling and again question why I can’t transfer here. The old Charlotte,
yes Charlotte
, would have thought a girl crazy for following a boy to his school, any school. But every cell in my body screams that I belong with him. That is, every single one but the ones still listening to the words of my dead mother.

I roll over and fall back to sleep until a clicking sound startles me. I walk around the room, following the noise. I think I’m close by the far window. The clicking stops, there’s a pause, and then a voice fills the room. I spot an old answering machine on the floor next to the refrigerator. It’s delightful and so very Jason Leer.

“LEER!” is shouted from the machine. “I know you’re back in town because the steer are all cowering in the corners of the pastures. We’re catching up tonight. From what you said the last time there’s a lot to talk about.”
What did he say?
“I’m coming to get you at seven. No excuses.” The line goes dead and I wonder who that was.

“Are you sure you want to go out? We can stay in,” Jason says with a devilish grin.

“I want to see what it’s like.” I’m also afraid the more time alone we have the more I’ll have to think, and that scares me more than anything right now. “Stillwater is where Oklahoma began,” I proclaim, and Jason laughs at me.

At exactly seven the door opens and a cowboy with the sweetest smile walks in carrying a 30-pack of Bud. Jason’s lips are on the back of my neck as I put on lip gloss in a small round mirror hanging awkwardly on the wall.

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know you had…” He looks at me, unable to find the words.

“Company,” I offer. He relaxes and continues into the room.

“This is Annie,” Jason says, presenting me to Harlan, who’s still staring at me.

“You can call me Charlotte.”

“Whatever you want,” he says dazed, and Jason punches him. “Oww. What? I was just being polite.”

“Well stop,” Jason says, and turns to me. “You want a beer?”

“Sure.” I sit on the edge of the bed. Harlan sits down next to me and when Jason looks like he might kill him, he sighs and stands up. He brings over a chair and faces it toward the bed, but since he’s two steps down it’s awkward. Jason seems fine with it.

“So you’re Annie?” Harlan asks as if he’s heard some magical fairytale about me in his childhood.

“Charlotte. Yes,” I say, which seems to amuse Jason enormously.

“Harlan’s my hazer,” Jason says, and I search my mind for information. I’ve heard of a hazer. Harlan looks at me, gauging my knowledge.

“Oh, so you two are a bit of a team. And you have the horses.” I’m sure I am saying this all wrong, but I know what I mean.

“We are and I do. Have you been going to a lot of rodeos this summer?”

“Only a few.”

“Annie’s turning into a city girl. She’s concerned with the lack of diversity at Oklahoma.”

“A student of the world. Love it,” Harlan says, and takes a drink of his beer. “You in school?”

“Rutgers.”

“Where the hell is that?” he asks, and Jason again laughs at us.

“It’s in New Jersey. Some people call it civilization,” I answer. Harlan dips his chin and lowers the corners of his mouth.

“I have heard of that before. Just the other day some cowboys were talking about some crazy place they called Civilization.” Harlan says it with panache as he swipes his hands in front of his face.

“It’s a hellhole and I couldn’t wait to get out of there,” Jason says, and I roll my eyes at him.

“So you two have been on a bit of a road trip. All the way to civilization and back. Hmph. How long are you staying?” Harlan’s question torturess me and I look up to see Jason staring at me, aware of my emotions before I am.

“I’m going home Sunday.”

“Well then, we need to get the hell out of here. Stillwater is a great night waiting to happen.” Harlan throws his beer can in the sink and Jason and I finish ours in silence. I place the empty can on the counter and slip my hand in Jason’s as we walk out and climb into Harlan’s truck.

Harlan puts the rest of the thirty-pack in the back of his truck and we pull out of Jason’s driveway, heading God knows where. Unlike Jason’s beater, Harlan’s truck is practically new. He drives slowly with little care of any road lines or signs. He’s smiling and singing along to the radio and might possibly be the happiest person I’ve ever encountered. It’s comforting to know he’s here with Jason. He pulls into an apartment complex with a sign that reads
THE RESERVE ON PERKINS
out front. Harlan pulls to the side of the lot, not really in a spot, puts the truck in park and hops out.

As soon as I exit the truck I can hear the party, or several parties. They’re spilling out of apartments and into the pool area. Some people are swimming; there are barbeques cooking, and tons of people smoking cigarettes. I follow Harlan into an apartment and am offered a lemon drop, which I stupidly do, and a Jack and Coke which I happily take. It becomes clear this is an Around the World and I don’t want to ever leave this room. The shot warms me and the whiskey reminds me of home.

Jason and Harlan are celebrities with this crowd. Everyone stops by to talk to them. Jason stays right by my side as Harlan works the crowd. He introduces me to some, but I have little to say. I’m still getting a handle on Stillwater. I wonder if they call it that because there’s no ocean. The lake water has no current.

When Harlan and Jason step outside to smoke, I stay behind and search for the bathroom. The apartment is spacious. Four bedrooms and at least the one I’ve stumbled into has its own bath. I finish and wash my hands and realize when I’m about to open the door the faucet isn’t off. I turn it hard, but it’s still on. My dad helped me fix the one on Hamilton Street last year with the same problem. That man could fix anything. If he was here, if he had survived, could he fix me?
What would you tell me about Jason Leer?
I’m studying the handle when the door opens, causing me to jump.

“Oh geez, pardon me. Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” I say, and pull the door open farther. An enormous guy wearing an Oklahoma baseball hat, a t-shirt, and jeans is standing before me, blushing. “I was totally done, just trying to fix the faucet.” At this he looks at me sideways. “I can’t get it to turn off. You probably need to replace the O-rings.” The giant boy’s eyes bulge.

“You’re not from around here, are you?” he asks, and I suddenly remember why I’ve been so quiet tonight. I don’t fit in here at all.

“What gave it away?”

“There are too many signs to list,” he says, looking me up and down. “I’m Rhett.”
Of course you are.

“I’m Charlotte. Nice to meet ya,” I add, hoping to sound country.

“Do you want to get a drink? Looks like you’re empty.” I look down at my cup.

“Actually, my boyfriend is getting me one. I should get back.”
In fact, I should be back.

“Got it,” Rhett says with an easy smile and moves over so I can pass him, but I still brush up against him on the way by. I don’t look up and just keep moving back to Jason.

I exit the bedroom and return to the living room. I find Harlan and walk over to him as someone hands me a fresh Jack and Coke.

“Girl, where you been?”

“I was in the bathroom. Where’s Jason?”

“He’s ripping this place apart looking for you,” Harlan says, completely unconcerned.

I turn to find Jason. When I do he’s storming out of a bedroom, his gray eyes look black in the dim light of the hallway. When he sees me relief crosses his face. I place my hands flat on his chest and he threads both hands through my hair behind me. He fists his hands, pulling my hair and leaning my head up to his, never breaking his stare.

“I couldn’t find you,” he says. His breath is hot on my cheek.

“I was in the bathroom.”

“Which one?”
Who cares?

“That one,” I say, and point to the bedroom I came from just as Rhett opens the door and walks out.

“Hey,” Rhett says, obviously to me, and notices Jason. “Oh, hey Leer, I should have known Charlotte was with you. Northerners.” Jason nods at Rhett, who is happily on his way someplace else.

“We need to go home,” Jason says as if I’ll protest. I lean up and take his earlobe in my mouth. I suck it, pull it with my teeth, then exhale into his ear and a shiver runs through him.

I wake to Jason covering my naked body with a blanket at the exact moment Harlan walks into his loft.

“What the hell, Harlan? You can’t just walk in here.” I roll over and try to remain asleep, not ready to face my last full day with Jason.

“What can I say? I’m jealous. Now that civilized Charlotte is here you don’t want to go out, I can’t just come and go, we haven’t been riding.” Harlan sounds properly upset.

“You’re an idiot,” Jason barks, and Harlan pulls up a chair.

“Words hurt, you know.”

“My foot up your ass is going to hurt.”

“Why don’t you guys go riding today?” I mutter, my head not leaving the pillow.

“Because.” Jason doesn’t have to finish the sentence. I know it’s because in thirty hours I won’t be here anymore.

“Harlan hasn’t seen you all summer. He misses you. And I know you miss riding. Go. Get dirty. Do whatever it is you cowboys do.”

“I like this girl,” Harlan says, and Jason throws his pillow at him. “I’m leaving! I’ll be back at one to get you.” Harlan slams the door behind him.

“He’s a bit like having a puppy, huh?” I ask, and Jason laughs rather than responding.

“Why don’t you come with us?” Jason asks as I walk outside with him. It’s humid again today and the heavy air weighs on me.

“I’ll be fine. I brought a few books to read for class and I haven’t responded to any of Julia, Violet, and Sydney’s texts and e-mails. I need to call up there or else they’ll fly down here and get me. I can always catch up with Jenn and Margo, too. Really, I’ll be fine.”

Jason looks to the south as a wind blows past us. “I don’t like the look of those clouds.” I look at his view and see one large cloud, shaped like nothing more than a cloud, and see nothing to be concerned about. “We won’t be long,” he says, and kisses me as Harlan pulls in.

“Hey there, Jersey Girl!” Harlan yells out his window. “What are you going to do while we’re gone?”

“Maybe some cleaning.”

“Ahh. Women’s work is never done. I got to get me a Jersey girl.”
Good luck with that.
Harlan pulls out and Jason waves as they pull away.

When Jason leaves I decide to clean his house. There’s not much in it. I should be able to scrub it from top to bottom before he gets home. I search under the sink for cleaners and find some dry-rotted sponges and half a bottle of Mr. Clean. I’m at least going to need a bucket. Jason’s keys on the kitchen table catch my eye. I grab them and Google map Walmart on my phone. It’s no surprise there is one less than five miles away. No ocean, but plenty of Walmarts.

Walmart is enormous and surprisingly nice. I find all the cleaners I need and linger in the home decorating section. I put a floor-length mirror in my cart—
I love it when you watch—
and crouch down to shop the small vases. Something for the center of his table would be nice, even if he uses it as a pencil holder.

“Can I help you find something?” a man asks from behind me.

“No, thank you.” I try to lose my Jersey accent, but I’m sure I sound ridiculous. “I was just looking at these vases. I want to find—” The man thrusts his hand in the air and tilts his head awkwardly toward the front of the store.

“Let’s go,” he says, and grabs me by the elbow.
Go where?
Customers begin to whiz past my aisle, all headed toward the back of the store. I now hear what the man was listening for.

Sirens.

Or one long siren that has no start or end like a fire whistle in Salem County. It just goes on and on at the same tone and something about its inability to rest is frightening. I follow the man to the section in the back where every other person in the store is crouched down. I turn toward the front where large windows, lined up like targets, frame the now darkened sky.