Forbidden Desires (18 page)

‘You can’t leave me!’ Kaajal screamed at Kaushik. ‘You can’t!’

Kaushik hung his head. He didn’t know what to say. He had booked a hotel room one last time to be with Kaajal and to tell her that he couldn’t continue seeing her and that he was staying with his wife.

‘Kaajal…,’ Kaushik started but had no words. He was stuck between two women. He honestly had no idea what to do. On the one hand he wanted to stand by his wife, who he had loved dearly and who had given him two children. Yet he also wanted to be with the woman he loved now. The confusion was gnawing at his insides. He had spent two days with his children and not questioned Naina about where she had gone. She couldn’t be having an affair. That was not like her. She had been wild in her time but she had always been loyal. He had betrayed her and now he didn’t want to see her hurt. Oh, his head was spinning from all this. Why did relationships have to be so confusing?

Kaajal had tears rolling down her cheeks. She had presumed he would tell his wife he was leaving her and that he’d be with her. She hadn’t told him about the incident with Gaurav. But after that she knew she didn’t want to be alone. Not for now. Maybe later, when she was stronger.

‘Do you love me, Kaushik?’ Kaajal asked to which Kaushik took her hand, made her sit in the chair that was adjoining the bed and kneeled in front of her.

‘I love you with all my heart, Kaajal. I’m just fucked up.’

Kaajal slapped him hard across the face. Kaushik was stunned. He sat back on his haunches as he held his face with his hand. He was getting the wrath of two women. He supposed he deserved it. But what Kaajal said next truly shocked him.

‘Then why can’t you stand up to your wife and be with me?’ she asked with defiance, her tears drying up as thoughts formed hard and fast in her head. ‘Tell her that you need a divorce. Tell her you love me.’

‘I can’t, Kaajal. Why can’t you understand? She’ll take the children away from me.’ Kaushik was wondering if they would ever use the hotel bed that lay pristine clean. He was paying seven thousand rupees a night for this hotel room and if Kaajal didn’t want to say a final goodbye to him then that money would go to waste.

‘Do you want a life with me, Kaushik?’

Kaushik got up and sat on the bed, the red mark from her slap burning into his cheek. ‘Yes I do. But…’

‘There is no but!’ she interrupted him. ‘I will handle this then.’ She got up and grabbed her purse.

‘Where are you going, Kaajal?’ Kaushik asked, hoping she would just come and have sex with him so he could feel happy with life.

‘I’ll be back. Wait here.’ She stormed off. Kaajal was determined to see this relationship through. She couldn’t give up on it. She had spent two years with this man. Just because he was scared to confront his wife didn’t mean she couldn’t. She needed to cancel out all possibilities. She wasn’t a woman who had any regrets. It was because she took all steps possible to make her dreams happen. She had fought hard right from birth to not be a burden on her family. She had fought hard to get this job, and to find the man of her dreams. She had to fight one last battle to know if all of this was going to collapse or if it was meant to be.

Kaajal flagged down an auto outside the hotel and gave the driver the address to Kaushik’s house. She wanted to see Naina. She had to know if Naina still loved Kaushik or not. And she needed to fight for her man.

As the auto took Kaajal to Kaushik’s house, she pondered why Indian society remained highly judgemental against women. If a woman desired sex she was a wanton tramp. If she had an affair with a married man, society would blame only her, not the man. If she was sexual, aggressive, spoke her mind, wore short skirts, showed her cleavage or argued with men, she was called ‘loose’. And if she ever went to ask for her man’s love instead of the other way around, she would be slapped in the face. Unfair!

But Kaajal was prepared for the worst. She knew where Kaushik lived. She had gone to his place when Naina wasn’t there. She didn’t want to but Kaushik had insisted, saying that staying in hotels was becoming too expensive and the lust between them had only increased with the years. He had said there would never be a problem. The maids all went to sleep in the servant quarters and Naina was out for the entire night with the kids at her mother’s place. It was the perfect time for them to relax at home. Kaajal remembered marveling at Naina’s sense of keeping house.

The large drawing room with big colourful sofas and oil paintings on the wall. The cozy bedrooms for the children and the elegant master bedroom for her and Kaushik. Kaajal never wanted to make love in Kaushik’s marital bed. So she stayed out of the bedroom. Instead they used the guest bedroom and the living room. She was playful. Kaushik loved that about her. She often wondered if he would be happy just staying with her, a woman who couldn’t decorate, cook, or become a housewife.

Kaajal shook her head and gathered her courage as she rang Naina’s doorbell. A maid came to the door and showed Kaajal inside the house, presuming that she was Memsahib’s friend.

Naina came into the drawing room and froze. She had been playing with her children in their room when the maid had called her, ‘Keera memsahib aayi hain.’

Naina knew exactly who she was. How dare she enter this house! She needed to confront her nemesis and give her a piece of her mind. She walked out, ready to scream at Kaajal. She found Kaajal standing in front of a painting instead of sitting down and waiting for her. Naina felt emboldened. She should be sorry for what she did. Stealing her husband. The cheek of the woman.

As soon as Kaajal heard Naina enter, she turned. The speech she had prepared disappeared. Her confidence dissipated. And she felt as if she should not have come. What a stupid act, Kaajal thought. Who ever did such a stupid thing? She had known Kaushik was married. Why did she think he would leave his wife for her? No one ever did. That was an urban myth. So why was she here?

‘That’s a beautiful painting,’ Kaajal heard herself saying.

Naina nodded, forgetting her plan to trash her husband’s mistress. ‘It was the first thing I bought in India when we returned. We lived in a much smaller house. We only had a gadda and that painting.’

Kaajal sat down on the sofa and felt even more miserable. Kaushik and Naina had shared so many memories together. She only had memories of lust with Kaushik. She looked up at Naina and said what she felt from the heart, ‘I’m sorry.’

Naina sighed. ‘You know, I’ve always heard of stories of men straying. I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought that it would be the man’s fault when an affair happened. Women and us housewives always blame the men. But it’s not true. The man is a stupid creature. It is always the woman who seduces a man. A man looks at every pretty thing that passes by. It is only the woman who responds to any of a man’s gestures and then the affair begins. Wouldn’t you say so?’

Kaajal looked at Naina. ‘In those moments it’s only lust that happens. Sparks of lust can initate an affair and when the sparks die the lust dies as well. That’s why you need to know if there is any love involved.’

Naina sat opposite Kaajal. ‘Would you like some tea or coffee?’

Kaajal shook her head. ‘Just water, please.’

Naina went to get her a glass of water. Kaajal almost had a feeling that she would pour it over her head but instead Naina graciously served it to her and sat back down on the sofa.

‘Kaushik and I love each other,’ Naina told Kaajal in a cold voice, even though a part of her had doubts. ‘We are husband and wife. We’ve taken vows and made a commitment to our families as well. You will just be a blip on the scene. I suggest you apologize to me and leave. And never come back or try to bed my husband again.’

Kaajal hung her head. She would have done exactly what Naina asked except an inner voice told her that she was a fighter. She needed to speak her heart before she left. ‘I’ll do that, Naina. But I want to say something. May I?’

Naina nodded. She was willing to hear her out. Maybe she could use it later against Kaushik. Maybe it would make her affair with Arjun palpable to her mind.

‘The thing is, Kaushik did love you. You were everything to him. And he does love the girls.’ Kaajal swallowed a deep sob before continuing, ‘But he loves me now. You can ask him. He truly wants to be with me. He doesn’t want to be married. He is unhappy, Naina. And staying married to you is making him unhappy.’

‘How dare you,’ Naina hissed, trying to keep her voice low. She was getting uncomfortable with the cold truth that Kaajal was speaking.

‘Please let me finish. And then you can kick me out and I’ll never bother the two of you again. Kaushik is motivated and driven when I’m with him. He’s a great lawyer. He’s meant to do great things and we help each other in our career. We’re good for each other. But…because he is married to you he will stay with you. He will stay with you forever because he’s committed to you. He’s told me he can’t be with me, Naina. Because he can’t leave you. Even though he loves me.’

Naina was shocked. She hoped her two children wouldn’t come out of the room to see this woman. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she would be consoling her husband’s lover. She gave her another glass of water and Kaajal dried her tears as she spoke further.

‘Sometimes we fall out of love with people. Does it mean we must stick to them forever?’

‘That’s what marriage is!’

‘Is it only about being committed and unhappy?’

‘No, it’s about working through the unhappiness and letting time solve the problems.’

‘What if you can’t wait for time to solve the problems and you want to take destiny into your own hands?’

‘Then you need to find an alternative.’

Kaajal summoned up all her courage for her next few words. ‘Here’s the alternative, Naina. Let Kaushik go. Let him come to me. Let him be free. Let him meet his children whenever he wants. You can take as much money as you want from him. Just don’t bind him to yourself, this house and this marriage because you fear society.’

Naina felt sad and angry at the same time. ‘I do not fear society.’

Kaajal asked Naina the same question she had asked Kaushik, ‘Do you love him? Like really madly, passionately, can’t live without him, love?’

Naina thought about it for a moment while Kaajal continued. ‘If you don’t, why do you want him to be unhappy in a place that he’s not getting that. Why do you not want his happiness? He will love and respect you more if you let him follow his path than make him follow a choice he took so many years ago. People change. Destinies change. We have more choices. Aren’t we allowed to seize them? Aren’t we as human beings allowed to feel happy and complete at any age?’

Naina had always loved Kaushik. She had never envisioned a life without him. She had two beautiful daughters who looked like their father. What would she tell her parents, her friends, the help, even? She couldn’t let Kaushik go so easily from her heart. She needed time to think. She needed to figure out what to do.

Naina said one thing to Kaajal, ‘If you’ve finished what you needed to say, you can leave.’

Kaajal picked up her bag and got up. She looked at the painting again and said, ‘I can never take away the memories you have with Kaushik. You’ll always be the most important person in his life. You’re the mother of his children. All I can be is a source of happiness for him. It truly is a lovely painting.’

Kaajal walked out of the main door as Naina watched her go. She knew Kaajal was right. But her heart was breaking into a million pieces. She took a pillow and cried into it, her stomach in knots from the conversation she had just had. She felt anger and sadness all at once. Naina got up from the sofa and walked towards the painting. She removed it from the hooks behind it. And with a fanatical, intense strength she threw it on the ground and smashed it beyond recognition.

‘Yeh kya hai?’ Simran asked, as she looked around the table. The group was sitting at a new place in Hauz Khas Village.

Naina brought over a plate of naan before she sat next to her friend, ‘Yeh butter chicken hai, Simran. Specially tere liye banaya hai chef ne.’

Simran held Naina’s cheek and squeezed it. ‘Now I will only come to your restaurant. There’s no need to go anywhere else any Monday!’ She took a piece of naan, dug into the butter chicken, closed her eyes and said, ‘Oh my God. Meri toh death hi ho gayi. Yeh iti achchi bani hai. Tu toh sachi main Masterchef hai.’

Naina laughed as the other girls dug into their plates. Naina asked them, ‘Ishita, is your pasta okay? Gauri, is your grilled chicken nice?’

They couldn’t speak as they had already stuffed their faces with food. Naina looked around and smiled. It had taken some time but she had pulled it off. Her very own restaurant. Heaven in a Bowl, a new concept of getting a bowl of your own favourite dish. An upper class Haldirams and an Olive combined. And she couldn’t have done it without the help of the man in her life.

She looked around to see where he was. He was donning a chef’s hat and bringing out her dish. Her favourite, a mushroom risotto.

‘Here you go, Madam.’

Naina tested him, ‘Without cream?’

‘Yes, Madam.’

‘With basil, thyme and a hint of rosemary?’

‘Yes, Madam.’

‘With wild mushrooms, not packaged ones?’

‘Yes, Madam.’ She took a bite out of it and it simply melted in her mouth. The risotto was divine. She looked up and said, ‘I’ve trained you well, Chef Arjun.’

Arjun smiled and leaned down to kiss her on her lips, ‘Always at your service, my lady.’

She giggled as the other girls looked at the couple and said in unison, ‘Oooooohhh.’

She was so thankful to have Arjun in her life. It had happened suddenly. Things had changed the very night Kaajal had come to see her all those years ago.

She had tested Kaushik at night when he had come home from the office tired but on time. She had asked him, ‘Do you love me?’

He had replied, ‘Sure.’

And then she knew. He didn’t really love her. She had been forcing him to stay with her for so long. He had already moved on from this marriage but felt stuck.

‘If I had an affair would that be alright? I mean, I guess we could call it even then and go on with life,’ Naina said with her hands on her hips.

Kaushik looked at her and said in a resigned tone, ‘I have no authority to speak. It’s really your life.’

‘A marriage is one life of two souls. It’s giving each other space enough to come back to each other, not breaking away forever. But you’ve already made up your mind. Your answer should have been no because you would be horrified and if I did, you would never touch me again.’

‘You know monogamy is really overrated,’ Kaushik said.

Naina had laughed, ‘Why is that?’

‘Mammals weren’t meant to be monogamous. They were meant to be free. It’s humans who have created this idea of commitment and marriage and being faithful to one person. It’s ridiculous.’

Naina had decided what to do then. She knew her marriage was over. She felt relieved. She smiled and told him, ‘You know why two people choose to get into a marriage or make a commitment? It’s because they know that they have two choices in the world. One, that they can sleep with as many people as they like all their life and never find happiness. Or that they have found someone that they love and they don’t need to find another partner to sleep with. Because honestly, Kaushik, sex is sex. But love varies. If you don’t have love, you won’t have anything. But you can always buy sex.’

Naina had taken her children and walked out of the house the next day. She had explained to them that their parents were getting a divorce. She had met a lawyer and got child support and alimony from Kaushik. She could prove he was having an affair and that meant she had a pretty comfortable life. She put away all the money for her children and decided to start cooking classes and doing ads again. She plunged herself into work and her parents supported her. Kaushik’s parents pleaded with her to stay with their son but she had only one thing to say to them, ‘He has found someone else to make him happy. And I want to give him the freedom to be happy.’ They stopped pleading after that.

She also started meeting Arjun often. They had a wonderful time together. She didn’t ever mix up the families. She didn’t meet his ex-wife or his daughter and she didn’t let him meet her family. She didn’t want to make it messy. Not until he proposed the idea to start a restaurant together. And so they did.

Heaven in a Bowl was a quaint place in Hauz Khas that catered individual dishes to customers. It served both Indian and Italian food in small individual bowls. So a Simran could have her butter chicken while someone else could have a pasta. There were a variety of dishes on the menu. Portions were for one person. It was an amazing idea that Naina had thought of and Arjun agreed to finance it immediately. She was now booked out for an entire month. Most women loved to come to her restaurant since it had lovely outdoor seating with plants and lanterns around and an indoor air-conditioned area with soft black and white decor. On one wall she had her children paint, colour and draw what they felt like. After all, this was as much their place as it was hers and Arjun’s.

That’s when her parents and children met him and his daughter. The girls got along so well that Naina felt it was ridiculous for her to have been apprehensive. Arjun asked her father for her hand in marriage. It had been an emotional moment. All the girls had been present, waiting with bated breath as he had slipped a three carat diamond ring on her finger. She had gasped and cried. Was love possible twice in one’s life?

Arjun sat her children down and said, ‘I never want to take your Dad’s place. I just want to be your friend.’ He had given both of them a tiny diamond ring as well. ‘This is your kaleechadi. It means I promise to love you and be there for you always.’

They were just happy with their rings. Shonali, who was the elder child, had given him a hug and replied, ‘I’m glad you will be my friend. As long as you make Mama happy, we’re happy too.’ But even though Naina had said yes to him, she had fended off the date of the marriage for some time. She liked the idea of being in a relationship without rushing off to legalize it. She had no time anyway, with the restaurant in full swing and managing her children’s lives, which she was now able to do perfectly since Arjun had quit his job and was helping her manage the restaurant full-time.

‘Dessert mein kya hai?’ Simran asked, as she polished off the last bite of her butter chicken with naan.

Naina smiled as she got up to bring out an entire dessert cart. ‘Yeh sab hai! Maine sirf tumhare liye banaya hai!’

The girls squealed, ‘We love you, Naina.’

Naina was happy that Arjun and her new venture had taken off so well. He had supported her through her tough days when Kaushik had moved out and they had filed for divorce. He had encouraged her to get back to work. She was also thankful that she could tell her friends about her divorce and the new man in her life. Surprisingly, they did not judge her or speak ill of her decision. They simply supported her and when the restaurant opened, they were the first customers who came regularly and always paid, no matter how often Naina told them it was on the house. And they told all their other friends and every mom in their school now had kitty parties in Heaven in a Bowl.

Arjun had not only been great at managing the entire restaurant, but he had learned how to cook as well. So when they were short of waiters, chefs or a host, Arjun managed it all.

He told Naina, ‘Remember I told you I wanted to just do one thing with my life? Well, I finally found what that was. I’m home.’

He spread his arms as Naina hugged him close. ‘Do you want a quickie in the store room?’ he whispered in her ear.

She looked around and saw her friends were busy chatting amongst themselves and wouldn’t miss her. ‘Yes, let’s,’ she said as she started unbuttoning his shirt.

She pulled him towards the store room, letting her hands slip to his ass, giving it a small squeeze. ‘Move it already!’

Naina smiled. She knew how she could be wild again. All she needed was someone who would let her be everything she wanted to be, without judgement, without expectation, with tremendous love.