Authors: Madhuri Banerjee
Kavita was finally in a wholesome relationship. She met Sara at her hotel and spent two days with her. Now she knew what true love was. It was a feeling of being complete, of wanting to spend time with someone, of knowing and respecting each other’s silences, of having the same hopes and dreams, of sharing ideas and encouraging each other. And it had nothing to do with age, or gender. The thought blew her mind.
‘So where do you want to take me?’ Sara asked as Kavita got into her car.
‘I’ll take you to a place that means a lot to me,’ Kavita said as she started driving. She had decided to take Sara to a lovely place she would ordinarily not visit. She figured if Sara understood this part of her life, maybe she could start believing in the possibility of being with this woman.
Kavita drove Sara to the Lotus Temple in Delhi. It was a beautiful place that was peaceful and sacred for those who believed in it.
‘This is beautiful,’ Sara said as they walked up the lawns. Kavita was glad.
As they sat inside in silence, with their eyes closed, Kavita felt a deep sense of peace. The fact that she could share the one thing that was closest to her with another person for the first time in her life meant that she was connected to that person in many different ways. The universe was trying to tell her that she needed to believe in herself. But she felt she still needed to let Sara know a few more things.
In bed that night, Sara asked, ‘Are you committed to me, Kavi?’
Kavita brushed a stray hair from Sara’s face. ‘Yes. I don’t want anything more with anyone else. But I need to go back to my marriage. I’m a mother and a wife. I move in an elite, traditional society. My reputation can get ruined if this comes out.’
Sara let out a sigh. ‘Where do I stand then? Am I just a fling? I need you to be honest with me.’ She paused. ‘I need you to tell me because I’ve fallen for you. I want you in my life, Kavita. To me you are not a fling.’
Kavita understood but right now she couldn’t give more. Her world was tumbling around her. She needed to find a strong footing again. She was questioning her identity.
Sara asked gently, ‘Will you ever leave your husband, Kavita?’
Kavita replied in a grave tone, ‘I cannot leave my husband or child, Sara. My life is in Delhi with them. I’m saying this again, I am reputed in my field and my society knows us too well. My mother would be horrified if I was to tell her I’m leaving with a woman. She’s very traditional in her ways. She supported me with all my decisions and I can’t go against her. She raised me by working two jobs. Knowing her daughter is a bisexual would kill her. So please don’t expect more than what we have right now.’
Sara was crestfallen. How could she tell Kavita that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her? It had only been a few days and Kavita was just beginning to understand this. For Sara there was nothing more to understand. She had already experienced love with a woman. She was sure of herself. She knew what she wanted. How could she tell her that she knew love? She knew what it did to you. How it could change you and mislead you. How could she tell her that she had never felt this way about anyone and could see them together for a long time? Kavita herself refused to accept the thoughts about the future. They had only had three days together but they had had the most wonderful time.
Who wouldn’t fall for Sara? She was beautiful beyond words, had a charming smile and lovely eyes that drew you in. She was intelligent, warm and funny. Any man would fall for her. Kavita asked, ‘Have you ever slept with a man?’
‘Yes. I’ve had two men in my life. A very close school friend who I’ve lost touch with now and who asked me to marry him. And one more. A random one night stand just to make sure that I wasn’t heterosexual.’
Kavita almost choked on her juice. ‘You almost got married? You slept with men? But aren’t you a lesbian? How do you not know?’
‘Well my parents didn’t accept that I was a lesbian so I desperately tried to please them. I ended up dating a man for some time. I slept with him but hated it and felt really violated, you know. And I broke up. I didn’t want to do it anymore. Then a whole bunch of girls went on a Bangkok trip and it became awkward. They didn’t know how to be around a lesbian when I told them I was one. So just to make things better, I went and slept with a guy after a really drunken night to show that I was joking. Two times in my life I’ve lied to someone, Kavita. My parents and my friends. To make them happy. It left me bruised and shaken because I couldn’t stand up to who I was. I vowed never to do it again. I don’t want to live like that. I want to be true to myself. Maybe society will judge me and hate me. But at least I won’t hate myself.’
Kavita thought about it. That same society would never accept the fact that she was bisexual. No one even understood it correctly. It wasn’t as if she would be with both men and women at the same time. It simply meant that when she was with one person, male or female, she would be loyal to that person. It was like any other relationship. Except that she was attracted to both genders. So when she was with Gaurav, she enjoyed sex with him. And when she was with Sara, the lovemaking was pleasurable too. Both were different and unique. And she didn’t want the term ‘bisexual’ attached to her identity. In this conservative society she would lose everything. She’d rather say that she was ‘flexible.’
God forbid her secret came out! What would she tell Vansh? Her mother? That she was leaving Gaurav for another woman? What would they all say? What would her mother or her child do? The thought sent shivers down her spine.
She didn’t need to tell. The truth was to come out soon enough.
Kavita took the file the nurse gave her and started reading the medical history before the patient walked in.
The patient was slim, petite. She wore a cotton kantha sari with a red blouse. She had two large diamonds in her ears and nothing around her neck or hands. She came alone. She was covering her face with the pallu, as if to wipe off sweat but Kavita knew she was hiding something.
‘Hello Ayesha, I’m Kavita,’ Kavita said, as shook her new patient’s hand. ‘I see your pregnancy result has come back positive?’
Ayesha nodded her head. How could she have let this happen? She thought her tubes must have dried up by now. She couldn’t have another child. Not if that child was Harshvardhan’s, a bachelor politician. And she herself married with a ten-year-old son. It was the most disgraceful thing to have happened!
‘So should we do a sonogram, right back there? We can see the results.’
‘I need to get rid of it,’ Ayesha spoke quickly, cutting Kavita’s speech. ‘I don’t want to keep it.’
Kavita had heard the argument before. She hated performing any abortions that were not necessary. Here was a respectable-looking woman who could clearly look after the child financially and physically. She needed to convince her to hold on to the baby. She knew she was contributing to the population of the country but abortion wasn’t the answer to the problem.
‘Ayesha,’ Kavita spoke softly. ‘Would you like some tea?’
Ayesha shook her head. The home pregnancy test result had come back positive and she had panicked. It had been Friday. Then she had to spend an entire weekend attending some farmhouse party with Varun and Adi. Many couples socialized and Ayesha played the ‘happy marriage’ farce with Varun, a show of how they were the perfect couple, to other couples. And all the while Ayesha was dying inside. Dying to call Harsh and tell him. The harder she tried to ignore the truth, the more it persisted. The wheels of her brain churned to find an answer. How would she explain this at home?
Then on Monday she had taken a blood test to confirm the pregnancy. Her last hope was that the home pregnancy test might’ve been wrong. But it wasn’t. So she booked an appointment to meet Kavita, who came with high recommendations.
‘Ayesha?’ Kavita asked her again as she had wandered off into a daydream. ‘Tea? Coffee?’
‘Don’t you have other patients?’
Kavita shook her head. ‘It’s a quiet day for a change. Sometimes I feel this is like a metro station. So many people. Buzzing around. It’s quite maddening. Tiring. So much energy expended. So I welcome days like this, when I can have a cup of tea with a patient and talk about them rather than just their case.’
She had buzzed the nurse to come in and Kavita asked her, ‘Please can you ask ward boy to get me a cup of tea and for Ayesha…’
‘A tea please.’
‘Two teas,’ Kavita said as she smiled, knowing that by the time the boy came she would have had enough time to convince this patient to keep the child. ‘Where’s your husband?’
And that’s when Ayesha broke down and wept. Kavita came around her table and put an arm around Ayesha’s shoulders. Maybe that was the reason she didn’t want to keep the child? Her husband wasn’t supportive. Or she was divorced. But Ayesha gave another answer.
‘It’s not my husband’s.’ Ayesha said between sobs, her hands hidden from sight, twisted in her lap.
Kavita then understood the reason. ‘It doesn’t matter. Should we try to find a solution to this together? You know men can always be tricked. If you have sex with him within a week, I can give you a due date and then later push it up. Due dates change all the time. Men don’t know all that.’
Ayesha shook her head. ‘No. No. I can’t have this child.’
‘Why Ayesha? Don’t worry about the pregnancy. I’ll help you through it. Children are a gift. So many women in the world want children and can’t have them. They spend lakhs on having a child. There are other options.’
For the first time since Friday, Ayesha felt like she could talk to someone. ‘I love children, Doctor.’
‘Kavita. Just call me Kavita.’
‘Kavita, I love children. I have a son. He’s ten years old. He’s turning eleven at the end of this year. I tried to have another child a long time ago but I couldn’t. I had complications and then I gave up. My husband is not a very responsive man. He’s happy with his one son.’
‘Maybe if you bring him here we could speak to him about how it would be lovely to have another child.’
Ayesha thought about it and shook her head. The tea arrived. She took a sip and almost scalded her tongue. She hadn’t been thinking correctly. These last few months with Harsh had been blissful. They had met often in hotel rooms during the day and she had even spent a few nights out, leaving Adi at a friend’s house or telling Varun she was out with Pinky. No one had bothered.
Then there were some vacations and Adi had gone on a field trip with his school, leaving an entire weekend free for Ayesha. So Harshvardhan had taken her to Kerala. They had gone on a houseboat; made love on the deck where no one was looking. She recalled the smouldering passion that thrilled her. Three days in a marvelous five-star resort where no one knew the politician. That was when she had gotten pregnant. It had been exactly four weeks since then. She hadn’t told him about the pregnancy, avoiding his calls for the last few days since she was unable to make small conversation and she didn’t want him to know. He would ask her to run away with him. Marry him. She knew him. He was madly in love with her. He needed her with a ferocity that she hadn’t seen in Varun. He held her face and would say, ‘I love you, Ayesha. I love you with all my heart.’ And she knew he meant it. He was saying it from deep within his soul. Nothing could mitigate that. And this child, this love child, was a validation of that. So if she told him, he would want her to have it. And she would be conflicted. She was a married woman. She was a simple housewife. What would her industrialist parents and her reputed in-laws say? This would bring shame to the family!
Kavita completed the sonography and spoke to Ayesha. ‘In any case an abortion can only be done when the foetus is a little more developed so we can extract the whole thing. You’ll need to wait another two to three weeks before we perform surgery. Here’s my number. Call me if you feel like talking. I’ll give you an appointment for April 16. Alright?’
Ayesha nodded and left. That would give her enough time to figure out her life. She didn’t know how she had gotten into this mess. But she knew she needed to end it soon.
It’s funny when you look back on life and wonder where the time went. Life decisions are made so quickly because we go by instinct most of the time. We trust our gut. And that’s where we go horribly wrong. Sometimes we need to back our instinct with logic before we make our life-altering decisions.
Finding a life partner was one of those decisions. Kaajal had been dating a man for over a year now. She was ready to settle down. Yes, she had told her family that marriage was for losers but honestly she felt she needed more companionship. She still didn’t believe in marriage but she wanted some permanency. She knew she needed to confront the man in her life now. What were his plans exactly?
They were lying in bed in a hotel room one night after making love when Kaajal broached the topic.
‘We met over a year and a half ago. Things have changed so much since then. Don’t you think so?’
He knew exactly where the conversation was going but didn’t say anything. Kaajal continued, ‘Do you love me, Kaushik?’
‘Yes I do, Kaajal. I love you tremendously.’
Kaushik first met Kaajal in his office at Mukherjee & Associates some two years ago. She had just joined them. He was immediately attracted to her but he was her boss. He couldn’t make any moves. But she was bright, talented, young, and very sexy. She was motivated and driven. Like Naina had been. Why was he attracted to women who wanted to do something with their lives?
They had started their affair when he took her for a legal conference out of town. She had come on to him. He had walked into her room to discuss their arguments with the client the next morning when he saw her in a satin robe and nothing underneath. She had listened to him intently, giving him a glass of scotch while taking notes. He had been very distracted then.
‘What people don’t know won’t hurt them right?’ she had said as the robe fell off her shoulders and she slipped under the covers of the big, bouncy bed.
It had been so long since Naina and he had made love. Or had any passion. She was such a mother now. Her body had changed. Her mind had altered into that of a ‘behenji.’ And she was always tired. Morning, noon or night. At one point he had given up on Naina. She lay there now when they made love, squeezing her eyes shut as if she wanted him to get it over and done with. They hadn’t been like that. Now he could barely stand her. Marriage changed everything. But Kaajal wasn’t asking for marriage. Till now.
He asked her, ‘Do you want us to get married or something?’
Kaajal shook her head. ‘Not at all, Kaushik. I want to have the option of walking out on you. But this kaleechadi can’t be the only ring I wear. I want a ring from you.’
‘I’ll buy you a ring. What is that anyway?’
‘It’s a ring the sister’s husband gives when they get married. It’s called a kaleechadi. And Gaurav was sweet enough to give me an emerald ring. I want a diamond one. And I want it to mean something. I need to know if you’re committed to me. All I’ve been hearing for the last two years is now bad your marriage is. If it’s so bad, then why don’t you get a divorce?
Kaushik remembered when things were easier. When these conversations didn’t happen.
It was the first time they had slept together he knew he was in love with Kaajal. Kaushik had stood there, running his hands through his dark, wavy hair, ‘You’re not going to sue me for sexual harassment or anything, are you?’
Kaajal laughed, a tinkle in her voice, ‘Only if you promise not to get me fired.’
Their lovemaking had been wild and passionate. They had sex in the shower in the morning before they went to meet the client, a raw energy that gave them razor sharp confidence and acumen. Since then Kaushik realized that being with Kaajal pushed him to be a better lawyer. He thought better, he argued better, he was more suave and confident and was rising in the ranks at his company when he slept with Kaajal.
Kaajal became a part of his daily life. But he didn’t know how to tell Naina. What would happen? She would leave him? What about the kids? He couldn’t be away from them. But Kaajal had never brought it up.
At the office, she was diligent and thorough. And in bed later in the night, she was still diligent and thorough! That’s what he liked about her. Her raw primal instinct at her job was equivalent to her need with him in bed. Kaajal had never wanted anything else. He had given her a 100 per cent bonus and a 50 per cent raise within two years of her working at the firm. He had told her that he was married. He had confessed but he had also said there were severe problems in his marriage. She had hoped that one day those severe problems would become ‘irreconcilable differences’ on paper in a court of law.
Kaajal was in love with Kaushik. She loved him for his ambition and drive. She had daydreams of when they would be together; she would still work and make partner in the firm. She knew he was married. He hadn’t hidden that from her. She had seen his wife in the office one day during lunch. He had seemed flustered. Stupid man. They never knew when to play it cool. The wife had gone home. He had spent extra on that night with her. A lovely dinner and a better hotel. He had pampered her till she allowed him to go home. What she didn’t tell him was that she wasn’t jealous. She knew in her heart that he would come to her. Sooner or later. Bad marriages never recover. They only get worse. And that’s why she needed to finally bring up the topic. So he understood her intentions. Until now.
‘Kaushik, you and I are good together. I need to know where we’re going. I want to have a deeper commitment with you.’ Kaajal didn’t want to use the word ‘marriage.’ She wasn’t stupid enough to scare Kaushik away until she knew he was ready for the deepest commitment.
I will lead him into it, eventually
.
Kaushik sighed deeply, unable to figure out his life. Kaajal was right. They were good together. Better than he was with Naina. But he loved Naina too. He had some great memories with her. And they had two beautiful daughters who would be devastated by a divorce.
‘If you’re not going to take legal action, let me know. I want to be on Tinder, this new app that makes me hook up with a man every night. I’m sure I can find someone who will fuck me and then obey me! I just thought I should give you the first right of refusal,’ Kaajal said with a flash of humour crossing her face. A seduction done right is so subtle that the seduced thinks they are the seducer! Women had power over men but only some knew how to use it correctly. Kaajal was one of those women.
Kaushik dragged Kaajal into bed. ‘How can you do another man? You belong to me.’
Kaajal looked him straight in the eyes and whispered just inches away from his face, ‘Then prove it.’
‘Kaajal.’
Kaajal took out her belt and stood on top of him on the bed. ‘Mistress.’
He swallowed hard. ‘Yes, Mistress.’ She smiled. Were good girls into BDSM? Maybe women who understood their sexuality and wanted to explore the highest level of what an orgasm could do to them would try it. The rest? The rest were housewives who were happy with missionary sex. No wonder so many married men strayed!
Later, Kaajal went for a shower and emerged to remind him. ‘This is the last time we can meet, Kaushik.’
Kaushik looked up from his phone. ‘What? Why?’
‘Because I need to move on. I can’t be in a meaningless relationship. And with a job that’s shaky right now because someone has spread rumours about us…’
‘I told you I’ll handle it,’ Kaushik said, knowing that the rumours would subside if he just got in one more client. He would declare he needed Kaajal around and things would settle down. He thought he had it all figured out.
Kaajal came and sat on Kaushik’s lap, straddling her legs around his waist, letting the towel that was wrapped around her fall open as her breasts and perfectly shaped body was left half visible to the man she loved. ‘I want you to safeguard my job, Kaushik. But I also need to know what your future plans are. Are you going to be with me? Or am I always going to remain a mistress?’
Kaushik moved her aside before he got up and paced the room, ‘I don’t know how to leave Naina.’
‘Do you want to?’ Kaajal asked, wrapping the towel around her again.
‘I don’t know.’ Kaushik said honestly, his expression a mask of stone. ‘She means a lot to me. I can’t just give up a marriage like that.’
‘You gave it up when you decided to sleep with me. You’ve been unhappy for so long. A marriage is a never-ending commitment to a person. You want to make it work even if it gets boring or dull. You’ve not wanted to make it work with Naina for over two years.’
‘I have two children with her.’
‘Come on, Kaushik. You told me that you stopped loving her even before the second kid came along. You just wanted your first one to have a sibling. Was that a lie?’ Kaajal wanted a confrontation.
‘No it wasn’t a lie. But now that I have two kids what am I supposed to do?’
‘There is such a thing as child support. I’m not asking you not to give her what she wants. I’m just asking you not to give her yourself to her. Give yourself to me. Choose me. Because I drive you. I motivate you. I make you a better lawyer and a better man. You’re happier with me. And isn’t your happiness what will make your children happy and healthy too? Do you want them to see two people who don’t get along?’
‘No.’
Kaajal was indeed an excellent lawyer. ‘Are you going to spend your entire life trying to bring back a romance? Just because you have memories with a person? Because you have children?’
‘Children get affected by divorces.’
‘Yes. And murders. And bullies. And the news. But eventually they are okay. And they see it all around them and get immunized to it. This world has changed. Children are used to their parents being divorced. And who knows, Naina might be having an affair too. I’m sure you don’t think she’s being faithful do you?’
Kaushik remembered the conversation he had had with her a few days earlier. How she had said she wanted to have an affair. Maybe she was already having one. Maybe his wife was making a fool of him.
‘How long are you going to live in a dead-end marriage, Kaushik? I love you. I can make you happy. I do make you happy. Why can’t you see that?’ Kaajal played her broken damsel in distress game, and instantly Kaushik felt bad for her.
She had stuck by him for so long. Kaushik knew he needed to confront Naina. He was madly in love with Kaajal. He knew that he would lose her if he didn’t take steps for them to be together. He would have to speak to Naina about a trial separation. He needed to get out of this boring marriage. But he didn’t know how to tell his parents or hers. Because underneath the killer lawyer he was, he was mighty afraid of his parents and the consequences of separating from his wife.