Authors: M. Dauphin H. Q. Frost
"Hand me that knife, could ya?" he asked as he started getting the sandwiches ready.
I reached out, only half paying attention to what I was doing, and grabbed the blade of the knife thinking it was the handle. I felt the blood before the pain. Hissing I dropped the cookies I was setting out on a plate and ran for the sink.
"Oooo! Gage! Move, move, move!" I pushed past him and rushed to turn on the cold water, throwing my hand underneath the stream.
"Oh my God, Ry. Let me see that!" Gage never liked blood so it surprised me when he took my hand to examine my cut. His hands were rougher than Liam's, but he still had that same gentle touch as his brother.
After grabbing a wad of paper towels, he pressed them to my hand.
"Where's your first aid kit?" His eyes were so intense, so deep green. That was the first time I actually noticed how pretty Gage's eyes were. I used to stare into Liam's light green eyes like that.
I grabbed ahold of the napkin, applying pressure and walked into my parents' bathroom. He followed me, helping me get down the first aid things we would need from the medicine cabinet.
"Take off the paper towel, Ry. I need to make sure it's not too deep. We may need to take you to get stitches."
I took off the paper towel wad, seeing it soaked bright red, and I had to look away as Gage tended to my stupid mistake. He was so gentle, so caring. In all of our years being so close, I had never met that Gage before.
"I think you'll be okay, but I need to clean it up and get it wrapped. Hang tight, Ry. Try not to move it." His voice was gentle but solid.
He knew what he was doing to take care of me and he was making me listen and hang on to his every word.
"This may sting a bit," he said right as he poured something cold over my hand.
I winced and instinctively pulled back, but didn't make it too far; he had a grip on my wrist and when I turned to look at him, he was glaring at me intensely.
"Try not to move, Ryley," he said again, softer than before.
Raising my hand to his lips, he blew softly over the fresh wound, making the liquid he just poured over it turn colder, no longer burning my hand. That afternoon was the first time I had ever felt something more than just friends for Gage Porter. Perhaps I was replacing Liam with Gage, and that wasn't fair to either of them, but Liam's neglect and Gage's attentiveness confused my head enough to confuse my heart.
Once it was wrapped and I was given stern instructions not to move my hand too much so it had time to heal, we still had a party to finish prepping for. The two of us spent the rest of the afternoon finalizing all of the decorations and food. My parents had been cool about letting us have the house for the night, but I was certain they were hanging right next door with the boys' grandma, making sure their house didn't burn down. Luckily our guest list was only going to be about twenty people or so, so I knew it wouldn't get too out of hand.
The guests started arriving and about a half hour before Liam was supposed to show up, I snuck upstairs to change into my outfit. I was set on wearing a black and white polka-dot dress, sleeveless, with cowboy boots my mama got me for my birthday. All I could think about was what Liam, and suddenly Gage, would think of my outfit. I hadn't showed anyone but my mama the dress and she just smiled at me when I asked her if Liam was going to like it. I wasn't normally a dress kind of girl, but I would be for him if it made him happy. Plus, it was my party too, so I felt with all the attention I'd get, I needed to dress up.
With about ten minutes to go before I called and told Liam he needed to come over to my house for something, Gage walked in the door. Being he was a senior and most of the people at the party were sophomores, I wasn't sure he'd stay. The girls were practically throwing themselves at him the minute they walked in the door, but he didn't pay them any attention. Instead he stayed by me.
"You look nice tonight, Ry. Like there may just be a girl somewhere inside you." He laughed when I hit him as hard as I could and pretended to be hurt.
My nerves were a mess when I called Liam and told him I needed his help. I used schoolwork as an excuse since I was always asking him for help, so he didn't think anything of it. I locked the door, knowing he'd just walk in if I hadn't, so when the knock came on the door, everyone fell quiet, waiting for me to open. I was so nervous I thought I was going to puke walking to the door and opening it up for him.
There he stood, unaware of the party going on, looking at me like I was nuts for being dressed as I was.
"Why you look like that?" Liam grunted as he pushed his way past me.
"SURPRISE!" everyone shouted as Gage flipped the lights on and glared at his brother for the comment he just threw at me.
I hadn't moved yet. His comment ripped me open. When I finally turned to see his reaction, I saw he was frozen in place, taking in everyone around him. He turned and looked at me with hatred in his eyes I never thought I would see.
"What did you do?" he growled.
Mustering up all of the courage I had, I tried explaining myself out of what was the worst mistake I'd ever made.
"I, Uh.... Wait, Liam!" I ran after him as he booked it out of my house and across his front lawn.
"No, Ryley! You don't do this! This... this dress isn't you. Who are you even dressing like that for?!" His arm flew toward me, gesturing like I was dressed like a clown. "Those aren't my friends." A stiff, stern finger pointed toward my house. "Fuck all those people. We could have done something together. I don't need those assholes around to ruin an already shitty birthday. Thanks, Ry. Awesome. Thanks." He continued stomping toward his house, but then turned back looking so tired, so angry, it didn't look like Liam. "Know what? Fuck you too. You of all people should've known I hate everyone in there." Dropping his shaking head, he slipped inside his house.
I couldn't move, the tears were streaming from the hatred that just spewed out of my best friend, and I cried my eyes out as I watched him walk away from me. Turning to head back to my house I saw Gage leaning against the column of my parents' front porch and I lost it. He wrapped his arm around me and walked me inside, telling everyone they needed to leave. Within an hour the house was cleared out and I was still in my pretty party dress with my hair curled and makeup running down my face.
"Shh, Ry. Stop crying. He's going through some stuff right now." Gage sat next to me on my bed, rubbing my back, never breaking contact with me as I cried like a baby.
"No, Gage. It's been like this for years. It's like he hates me! What did I do to make him hate me?" I looked up seeing Gage's jaw was tight and his stormy eyes were looking into mine so deep I felt like he could see my soul.
"I don't hate you, Ry," he whispered right before slowly leaning in to kiss me. It was harder than what I remembered from Liam's small kisses, but not a bad hard, just rough around the edges.
Figuring he was probably more experienced than me since he was Gage Porter, I went with it and found myself enjoying it more than I thought I ever would. He broke the kiss and leaned his forehead on mine.
"This may be terrible timing, Ry, but I think I love you," he said, eyes closed, hands on my face like he couldn't let go. This revelation shook me harder than the fight with Liam did and I cried even more. "No, no Ryley. Don't cry. Hell, I'm sorry, I just—"
"Don't apologize, Gage. No apologies tonight," I whispered, wiping my face.
Staring into his face, his features were polar opposite from his brother's, but he was still one of the best looking guys at our school.
I leaned in to kiss him, this time taking him off guard. When the kisses turned in to something more urgent and we ended up laying in my bed, him on top of me, he stopped and looked down at me.
"Are you sure about this, Ry?"
"Positive," I said, mustering up the courage to throw a slight smile on my face.
"You know I've done this before, right?" He looked a strange mixture of euphoric and scared. I nodded and he ran his thumb over my bottom lip. "And you haven't?" The question was almost a whisper. I shook my head no, not breaking eye contact with him.
"If you're sure, I'll be as gentle as possible," he whispered, still tracing my lips with his thumb. That one touch from him had parts of me burning like they burned for Liam. I nodded again, fearing that using words at that point would break my will to lose it to Gage.
He got up and pulled a foil packet from his pocket, setting it on the table. Within minutes he was opening the packet and putting it on with practiced precision.
That was the night I lost my virginity to Liam's brother, and possibly lost the best friend I had in Liam.
"Why the hell did I say that?" I couldn't figure it out. I had no idea what was driving the hurtful words out of my mouth.
I'd been so miserable without her for so long. It was like I was punishing her for my insecurities. Insecurities that if Ryley and I got into a relationship that I'd get her hurt or end up getting myself hurt. It was just better if I didn't let anyone close. And that shit I had said about none of those people in her living room being my friends, it was bullshit. The only faces I noticed in that room were people that I had talked to every single day. And the most important face, Ryley's. I fucking ripped out her heart again. She gave me that same look when we were twelve and I told her she couldn't be my girlfriend anymore. Hurt on Ryley's face was the worst sight in the world; it crushed me.
I paced my room for an hour before I couldn't take it anymore. I had to apologize. I wanted to kiss her; it'd been years since I kissed her and I never got to properly kiss her because we were kids. I was sixteen now, and now I thought I had a better idea how to kiss a girl and I wanted my first real kiss to be Ryley. If she were the only woman I kissed in my whole life, I was okay with that, and up to that point, she had been.
Ryley was never too girly, but she was one of the prettiest girls in school and because of that all the guys talked to her, tried to go out with her, hook up with her, but I knew for a fact she hadn't. I overheard her and Jenny talking about douchebag Bobby Dylan asking her to prom. Jenny, who I always thought was one of the school's biggest sluts, was making fun of Ry because she was still a virgin. She suggested Ry give it up to Bobby. I would cut him up to little pieces and use him for fishing bait if she went to prom with him. She didn't though, she declined the asshole and told me because he was a dick to me and anyone that was a dick to her best friend wasn't good enough for her. I wanted to tell her no one was good enough for her, not even me, but I kept my thoughts of self-pity to myself. Ry was too happy to be weighed down by my bullshit.
There was so much bullshit too. My mom and Rod showed up every now and then, and Megan would always have a few bruises. She'd lie and say it was some accidental fall, or she bumped into something. Me and Gage knew better though. Gage had gone out with friends a few weeks before my birthday. He called me that night, drunk and practically crying because he thought he killed Rod. I never got the full story, but he somehow ended up running into Rod and they got into a fight where Gage pummeled him until he was a bloody mess. I stole Gram's car to pick him up, drunk and stumbling away from the bowling alley. Well he didn't kill Rod, we found out a few days later, but he delivered enough of a beating that Rod didn't remember what happened so no charges were ever pressed. Thankfully. I couldn't lose my brother because of that asshole. I would have for sure killed him. With Gram's health deteriorating it was kind of only me and Gage left. Of course Ry was always around, but it wasn't like it used to be and that was all my fault, some of Gage's too. The older he got, he started making new friends, a lot of girls, and Ryley kind of fell into the same category he lumped all girls: fuckable. He'd never act though; I just knew he wouldn't do that to me.
Often he'd bring around girls, mainly the cheer squad, and if Gage didn't have time to give them, they came for me. I never acted though, there was only one girl and I was saving myself for her, for that day I could get my shit together and convince myself I could protect her again. I was certain my brother knew this.
Me and Ryley were sixteen now and I knew she wouldn't wait around for me forever, but after that shit I had spouted off about the surprise party, I wasn't sure she wanted anything to do with me anymore. But that was it, I was ready, I had to be ready before I lost her to one of the other guys at school. Ryley was mine and even at sixteen I knew we belonged together. I'd known it since I was eight.
I pulled my bracelet out of my front pocket and slipped it on my wrist. I had reinforced my band when I accidentally washed it with my jeans once and I knew it was going to snap. Fishing line and barrel swivels promised to secure our creation. I had wanted to do it to Ry's too; she still wore hers every day, but I never had it in me to remind her about the friendship we once had without feeling guilty that I'd pushed her away so much. I was ready to apologize, ready to fix her bracelet so it didn't break again, ready to ask her if she forgave me for everything I'd done since that night Rod killed more than just my dog. I was ready to beg Ryley to help me fix everything that was broken inside of me.
After grabbing a few barrel swivels and a spool of Gage's thick, purple fishing line, I jumped out the window. Her parents were in the living room with Gram and they hadn't noticed when I came back. I didn't want them asking questions why I wasn't over at the party.
"I love you, Ry," I muttered. "I still love you, Ry. I've always loved you. Do you love me? Do you know I still love you?" I sighed and rubbed my face tiredly. No matter how I said it, I was going to sound stupid because I should have never stopped saying it. "Your dress is pretty. No, beautiful, girls like beautiful." I stopped walking and looked up, realizing I was actually muttering aloud to myself. I glanced around, thankful I was alone because I sounded like a nut.
I played it out in my head: "I'm sorry for what I said. You look beautiful. You've always been the most beautiful girl I've known. I love you, Ryley Anne Reynolds, and I always will. I'm sorry for changing and not letting you help me when I was hurting and needed you most but pushed you away the hardest."
I had it down, I knew it'd at least put a smile on her face. Was I certain she'd forgive me? No. But that was when I was prepared to beg because I was certain no girl would ever fill Ryley's shoes. It shouldn't have been what I was thinking about: love, Ryley, begging for her forgiveness, but I'd thought about all these things since the day I figured out what being in love was.
My grandma didn't call me the romantic one anymore, she called me the sad one and I was okay with that because the day I found out what romantic meant, I was pissed. I didn't want to be that kind of guy, I wanted to be more like Gage, but I couldn't. I could never be as hardened about my feelings as Gage. Maybe it was just inside me and always would be, or maybe it was Ryley that made me want to be that way, either way, Ryley was the only girl I wanted to use it on.
I didn't knock, I didn't need to, there was a party going on. My party, our party, the party that Ryley went through a lot of work to throw for me and her. God, I was an asshole for what I said to her. In my sweaty palm I clutched the pieces to fix her bracelet and I walked into a quiet house. There were still balloons and Solo cups lying around. Chips were in bowls, streamers hung from the ceiling. Ryley's favorite song, Light Years by Morgan Page, was quietly coming from the stereo in the living room. I couldn't tell you how many times I'd heard that song and how many times she'd begged me to listen to the lyrics. I listened to them, but I never told her that. I didn't want to admit I knew she thought I should dedicate that song to her. And I should have.
It was obvious the party was over or moved outside, but I hadn't heard anyone outside when I was crossing my yard. I headed toward the back door to check just in case. That was when I heard Ryley cry out in what I thought was pain. I spun so fast that I slipped, but I didn't stop running until I was up those stairs. I opened my mouth to shout her name, to let her know I was coming, but another sound stopped me, and it stopped me dead in my tracks. I halted so abruptly the momentum almost threw me to the ground. The noises I heard would have registered if I were in any other situation, but that was the last thing I expected to stumble upon at Ryley's, and even hearing the proof, I still couldn't believe it. It couldn't have been Ryley and I stupidly went to her door to check. The door was open a wide enough crack that I could see that it was in fact Ryley, naked, and underneath my brother. The two people I trusted most in the world were betraying me. Heat flooded my face and I clenched my fists around the items in my hands. It became obvious she lied when she said she was still a virgin. Not that I cared because she was lying to Jenny, but I wondered who took her virginity. I also wondered if what I was witnessing was her first time with Gage, or if they'd been going behind my back for a while. I knew it wasn't Gage that took her virginity because if he ever slept with a virgin he would have told me. Even if it were Ryley, he would have left her name out and just told me he got with a virgin.
"Does it hurt?" I heard him ask her.
"A little," she replied.
"It won't hurt next time. I popped your cherry."
The fucking ceiling felt like it fell in on me. I started stumbling backwards and before I rolled down the stairs, I spun and bolted, skipping at least eight of the twelve steps. I didn't even know if I closed the front door, I just started to run. I ran all the way to the pond and when I got there I didn't want to stop, but my chest was on fire. I launched the fishing line into the pond with a grunt and stumbled to my knees, panting and heaving for breath.
My own fucking brother. He knew what she meant to me. He'd always known. He knew I only broke up with her that day because he told me I needed to to help protect her. Gage knew what that would do to me and he obviously didn't give a shit.
I stayed at the pond that night. I couldn't go back and face him, and possibly see her. It was too cold to sleep under the stars with only a t-shirt and jeans, but I would have rather froze to death than looked at them.
My brother and Sara Montgomery were always on again off again so I did what I thought would hurt him and what I knew would hurt Ry. I hooked up with Sara. I skipped school that Monday; I was still avoiding Gage and Ry and he was both our rides to school. Tuesday I woke early enough to walk to school. I had World History with Ryley and we sat next to each other, but not that day. I practically shoved Keith out of his chair so I could sit next to Sara. He didn't argue me; he sat next to Ryley and shut his damn mouth. I didn't even look at her, not once, I devoted all my attention to Sara and it made me sick because I hated the girl. The day she got into a fight with Riley when we were nine I started hating her, and she'd given Ryley a ton of shit since that day so it wasn't hard to hate her.
She ate up my attention though, and at lunch I sat with her, well, she sat on me. She was straddling my lap and we made out until Mr. Rice sent us to the Principle. When I saw Ryley after school she was stomping toward me. I looked into the pretty blue eyes I had loved to stare into and I saw hate. I saw it looking through my eyes and I saw it reflecting in hers.
"Why—" She didn't get another word out before Sara walked up and grabbed me, pulling me in to kiss her. So I kissed her and practically humped her on the steps, right there in front of Ry hoping it killed her as much as what I had witnessed.
I didn't have a clue what I was doing, but Sara was grinding on me like I did.
Ryley wasn't in school the next day and I avoided her the day after. Friday, there were a few prom after parties that we intended on going to together, Gage too. Well I ditched them. I knew what party they'd end up at and they did, together, holding hands, probably not expecting me to be there. After choking down five cups of keg beer I found Sara and I took her in a laundry room, letting her do to me what I knew she'd done to my brother, but I couldn't think about it. I had to get through it. I fumbled with my phone, texting Ryley that I needed to talk to her and I was in the kitchen. My friend Pete Kempo had cheered me on as I pulled Sara into the laundry room so I knew when Ryley came looking for me he'd tell her where I was. Sure as shit, Pete came through and Ryley pulled open the door to Sara on her knees in front of me. I thought the pain I'd see on her face would bring me satisfaction. It didn't. It did what it always did, it fucking crushed me. She was fine though, she had my brother, and he apparently had her.
They were fine, and obviously they belonged together like I had once thought we did.
I hadn't really wanted to lose it to Gage, but if I couldn't have Liam, Gage was second best in my eyes. It only made sense for me to lose it to one of them, being that they had meant the world to me since I was five and I trusted both of them with everything. Even after Liam ripped my heart out in my front yard I still cared for him, wanting what was best for him. I still loved him.
What hurt the worst, though, was that he didn't even seem to care about me anymore. I knew about him and Sara the day after it happened. I cried so hard I had to go home from school early. I couldn't stand to be at school around them. Everyone knew, everyone knew about Liam and Sara, they knew about me and Gage. Going to Gage's senior prom with him was even harder, knowing that Liam wasn't with us like we'd planned. Gage was being Gage and not showing any care in the world that his brother was pissed at him, but I couldn't do that. I cared. I wanted Liam back, even if it meant giving up on Gage. Gage was sweet, I guess. He was attentive and took care of me, but he wasn't Liam. He didn't keep my feet warm. He didn't know when I was upset with my parents. He just didn't read me like Liam always had the power to.
Giving up on Gage didn't happen though. When I found Liam and Sara in that closet I was so hurt. So unbelievably hurt that the boy I grew up with, the one that I believed would be my best friend 'till the end, would do something so hateful. I knew he hated her; he had since we were nine, but he got with her anyway just to hurt me. Gage drove me home early that night, letting me go in by myself, not even walking me to my door to tell me goodnight. Liam would have walked me to the door.