Flicker (21 page)

“Later.” He reaches towards me, like he wants to give me a hug, or a kiss on the cheek. Flustered, I move away and quickly push through the door.

*****

The girls and I collect baskets of peppermint, chewing the leaves as we gather more than enough for the required amount posted. Hana spits hers out, declaring the taste nasty, a word Timid doesn’t know. I explain, laughing, that it’s the same as gross or disgusting.

“What’s so funny?” The Nobleman’s voice makes me jump, as he walks in the greenhouse, closing the door behind him.

Timid and Hana drop their baskets and bend in low curtsies. He responds by amplifying his light, sending smiles across their little faces.

“I thought you were tired?” I tease.

“I tried to sleep, but then I thought of you … in my mother’s garden … and well, here I am.”

“I heard a rumor that you were asking about me, I must really be on your mind.”

Glancing at Hana and Timid, he moves closer to me, and in a low voice asks if I’d go to the garden with him, to talk privately. His formality causes my guard to go up, but this might be the perfect moment to show him my light.

The girls interrupt though, the pleasure of witnessing him and I in the flesh, flirting, is just too much for them.

“Your mother’s garden?” Hana asks, not realizing the nuances between the Nobleman and me.

Not wanting to brush the girls off, I point to the gate in the corner.

“Through there, it’s a secret garden, we’ll show you.”

The Nobleman nods, acknowledging that it’s not the time for a one on one.

I lead our foursome through the gate and listen as the girls squeal in delight over the hidden place.

“It’s like magic here,” Timid says, her voice hushed in reverence. She’s never heard stories spun of secret gardens and other worlds, all she knows is the Refuge, the hard walls caging her in.

“Would you like a flower crown, my princess?” I ask, bowing to her with a flourish.

“Please, Lucy!” She beams in delight and Hana asks for one as well.

“Of course, I must oblige as your humble servant.” The girls and I drop to the grassy ground. Ivy crawls across the walls, purple and green leaves hang overhead, creating an enchanting oasis. The Nobleman sits on the bench, watching us, his light soft and his shoulder dropped. Not from exhaustion, it is the look of someone being exactly where they are meant to be. I sneak looks at him, overwhelmed with the desire to never leave our little garden. If I could stay here with these four forever I wouldn’t need to run to find freedom, this would be enough.

I tell the girls to collect daisies and sprigs of Queen Anne’s lace. I weave the stems together quickly, having practiced on little bracelets for Dignity already. I forge a few small crowns, and press them over the heads of Hana and Timid whose eyes twinkle as they receive their royal jewels.

“You’re quite good at that,” the Nobleman remarks as I continue knotting stems together.

“I embroidered, back at home, and that’s all colored floss and tiny knots. I’ve had lots of practice.” I bite my lip, happiness swelling in me for this reprieve from all the stress covering every other aspect of my life here. Remembering my tiny sunset in orange and yellow, across a muslin sky, I smile.

The girls admire the flowers growing wildly, chatting loudly about the Naming Ceremony later, about how they wish they could wear these crowns. I stay knelt in the grass next to where the Nobleman sits, twisting flowers in a wreath. The Nobleman speaks in quiet words only I can hear.

“You are this magical garden nymph, floating into my life at the perfect, most unexpected moment.”

“Shush,” I say, uncomfortable with his flattery, but pressing his words to my heart, thankful he sits on the bench because if I were closer it’s those sorts of words that would make me forget my fears.

“It’s true, I thought my life was measured out for me in ceremonies and night’s strapped to a chair, but you make me think it can be more. We could be more.”

“You mean it? You think we could be something, even here, in this messed up Refuge?”

“You said you wanted a purpose, maybe your destiny is right in front of you.”

Not wanting to accept or deny his words, I pull Timid to me, “Here, this one is for our Nobleman.” I hand her a crown, which she takes solemnly, Hana looping her arm through hers.

Setting it on his head, the Nobleman thanks them. Then surprising them both, he grabs their hands, and spins them in a circle, collapsing in a pile of laughs.  Biting my fingers, my chest tightens, watching as he twirls the girls until they are dizzy, overcome with giggles, never before being treated so gently by a man.

The Nobleman is nothing like I expected, and my eyes prick with tears as I am hit with that realization. I don’t quite know what will happen when our hands touch. The memory of Forest explaining battery combustion scares me, but watching him with the wreath around his head, his face alive as he spreads his light and love on the girls, I want that too. I want his fingers to touch mine, to brush against my skin and send that warmth over me.

Later, when I walk back in my room, a small vase with a bouquet of daisies sits on my bedside table. My heart swells, not sure what the Nobleman has done to me, but knowing I want to tell him how much I care for him, and what I think my light might mean for us.

chapter twenty-eight

A
s I’m getting ready to go to my Naming Ceremony another headache comes on, stronger than ever. The pain’s grown worse without reason, I’m getting more than enough to eat and plenty of sleep. I excuse myself from Hana and rush to the bathroom. Once in a stall, my light comes quick, so I push my palm to my forehead. The pain disappears and I’m relieved to get back to the girls. Hana needs me with the ceremony starting soon.

“You sent word to the Nobleman right?” I ask Timid as she walks back in the room.

“Yes, I told him myself, though Honor was quite annoyed that I said it was urgent. But he said he would be there.”

‘Perfect,” I whisper, knowing that tonight after our ceremony we will meet on our ledge and I will reveal my light.

We dress in our white gowns and I sit on the floor while Timid braids my hair, wrapping the plaits around my head, pinning them in place. Hana requests the same thing, and I watch as Timid deftly weaves her black hair in and out, making a perfect crown around her head, the memory of her flower circlet lingering.

“I bet the Nobleman’s going to name you Lovely.” Hana teases me and I see Basil in her, the funny girl who was replaced with a blank face, sent away. I shake my head, remembering Basil’s suggestion to me when we first met on the boat of being named Prude.

“Is it the Council or your new Humbleman who chooses your name?” I ask Timid.

“The Council, unless the Nobleman is here visiting, then he does. Everyone thinks being named by him is best, because he’s more important than the Council,” she explains.

“Why is he more important, Timid? Do you know?” I ask, curious what this nine year old knows of her faith.

“He’s the light.”

“But why is
he
the light do you think?”

“Because it was dark before, but he came and made light. You ask funny questions, Lucy.”

“Sorry, Timid, I’m new at this, sweetie.” I stop quizzing, realizing it will get me nowhere. Timid knows nothing about why she believes, she’s never been taught the sacred texts, and she’s never asked. At nine, I suppose it makes sense, but I wonder how many grown Vessels walk around with the exact same knowledge as this child.

“Are we ready then?” I ask. They nod, eyes bright in excitement. Hana’s nerves have made way for the excitement of a pretty new dress and the attention of the Nobleman, and for that I give thanks. We walk down the hall, arms linked because I don’t want them trailing me, not tonight, not ever.

The Haven is captivating this evening, there’s no way you could walk into this sanctuary and not be swept away. The candles radiate a shimmer against the walls, and Vessels sing the traditional hymns of The Light. I know a Naming Ceremony isn’t as special to The Light as a Binding, but it’s still a spiritually charged room.

The charge intensifies when the Nobleman walks through the doors and makes his way to the front. Mom is here with Humbleman Resolve, and I try meet her eyes, but her head is turned down. I swear there’s a purple bruise on her chin and neck but it’s hard to tell since her head is bowed. The flush of happiness I felt as I walked into this room with Hana and Timid evaporates as she looks up, and meets my gaze. Her hand instinctively goes to her neck, covering what I thought I glimpsed, but she shakes her head tightly at me, as a warning, or maybe an apology. Either way it doesn’t matter, Resolve is hurting her, all of his Vessels.

I wish she would speak up, say something, not hover in fear. My stomach falls as I realize I live in the same denial, thinking that things will change when I do nothing but stand idly by, collecting herbs for salves that can’t mend broken bones or broken hearts. All the while my hand holds a power that may actually help the women here.

I sit with Hana and Timid, holding my hands in my lap not wanting the girls to see my struggle. Humbleman Depend and his mate Agreement sit behind us, Perfection’s next to her parents, and there is nothing I can do right now to make the wrongs around me right. At this moment I just need to get this ceremony over with so I can do something. Step one being showing the Nobleman my secret, like Mom wanted me to do weeks ago, and then we can make a plan together. My purpose will be revealed, and I can stop living on the sidelines.

The Nobleman has cast his light lower tonight than he does at a morning service. It makes sense, when we’re at a service we are supposed to let the light carry us away. Tonight I’m to be fully present for the seriousness of this event, especially if soon enough I’ll be committing myself to The Light as a believer of their prophet.

“Tonight we have a Naming Ceremony for two Vessels who have recently joined the fold,” the Nobleman says. “It is an honor to be here, to offer to them new names, signifying their destiny as Vessels of Light. Lucy and Hana would you join me?” He motions us with his hand, his smile bright and welcoming, but he looks tired, like he did earlier.

We walk to the front, where the other Council members have gathered, and I take everything in with a sense of curiosity. I’m interested as to what the Nobleman thinks would be the most fitting name for me.

“Hana, as a Vessel of The Light I present with you the name
Grace
. From here on out, unto eternity, you shall hear the name Grace and know you are spoken of. May you cling to your name when times are hard and know, always know; you have a place in The Light.”

The Nobleman presents Hana with her name in a beautiful, eloquent way. I think of when the Council gave my Mom hers, and how stiff it was in comparison. He places his hand on her head, giving her a blessing as she receives her new name.

My heart beats fast as his hand touches Hana’s hair. He can’t touch me. Not here, in front of everyone. I planned on holding his hand tonight so we could see what would happen.  I wanted to do that privately before we decide what we should do together. But this? This will blindside him, and my ability to choose what I want my power to mean will be forfeited. If the Councilmen witness this, I’ll no longer belong to myself. The Nobleman’s chair in the Energy Room flashes though my mind at a dizzying speed.

I watch as Hana walks back to her seat, beaming. I panic as he turns towards me.

“Lucy,” he says, “I present names taking into account a Vessels ethic, demeanor, and heart. I look, as does the Council, for a name that encompasses a Vessel, yet gives them an attribute they can work towards. But you are special, this was clear the moment you came to the Refuge. It was not lost on the Council, or on me, especially after I had the chance to meet and know you.”

He smiles and faces me squarely. I swallow hard, my shoulders tremble as he looks me in the eyes.

“So, Lucy, I decided you should keep your given name, because Lucy means light. And you Lucy, are the Lady of the Light.”

My heart stops, and I take two steps back, my eyes growing wide.

“Lucy?”

I snap out of my trance - the Nobleman is speaking to me. “Lucy, come closer so I can give you a blessing of light and love.”

I steady myself, not knowing what to do. I look out at the Haven, overwhelmed with fear.

“Lucy, are you alright?” he asks, finally realizing that I’m not okay. None of it is okay. Not the abuse or the Bindings or the sacred texts that dictate who we are supposed to be. It’s all wrong and it needs to stop.

The room watches the unusual ceremony taking place. I can’t reveal myself to everyone here, I don’t want to hurt the Nobleman. Looking around at all the eyes on me, I see Dignity sitting with her Vessel friends, their faces beaming encouragingly. They support me, and in a flash I know what I must do.

“Umm. Actually….” I brace myself for the words that must come next, knowing it’s the only way out of this predicament. I look around the room, eyes landing on Mom, who’s closely watching me now, with her forehead creased, the bruises more obvious. “I just wanted to say….” My throat is dry, and I try hard not to choke on the words. “The Nobleman and I have decided to be Bound as mates. In respect to him, as our esteemed Nobleman,” I say, kneeling to the floor, avoiding his eyes, “instead of a blessing on me, let us honor him with a moment of gratitude. Join me.”

I put my head to the ground in an effort to evade him, terrified of what his face might reveal. I’ve just forced a Binding upon him. I can’t help but look up to see his reaction and my heart flutters when I see his shining face. His illumination’s strong, and his true feelings are revealed in his brilliance. Gone is the hint of exhaustion I’d seen minutes ago, I’ve made him happier than he’s ever been. With a few choice words I’ve changed his life.

The chorus of Vessels rise in triumph and there’s no doubt my announcement has been well received. The Council claps, and the Nobleman doesn’t stop them. I look over my shoulder and see everyone in the Haven has knelt; everyone followed my command.

After a few moments I walk discreetly back to the pew where Hana and Timid sit. The room’s filled with a blinding light, so bright I cover my face, the Nobleman must be pleased to emit such radiance, and I know he can’t tell that I’ve stood to leave.

“Let’s go, girls, before anyone notices us. I don’t want to stand around talking about the ceremony when the Nobleman’s light dims,” I whisper.

“Don’t you want to talk to your future mate?” Timid asks.

“Not now, we’re meeting later, remember?”

We scoot out of the Haven unseen, as the Nobleman’s light still burns bright and the rest of the fold kneels. Once we’re out of the sanctuary, I look back and see his light begin to fade. I suppose everyone will be surprised we left quickly, but the Nobleman will understand once I explain it to him tonight on the ledge.  If something happens when I take hold of his hand, then I can feel better about my choice to avoid his touch now in front of everyone. This way I’ve given the Nobleman the ability to choose what he wants to do with me and him and our light.

Timid brings food to our room and says everyone in the kitchen’s buzzing about the Nobleman allowing me to keep the name Lucy and the unprecedented honor I gave my future mate by requesting we all kneel before him.

“I just can’t believe you kept it from us!” exclaims Grace.

“I’m sorry, Hana. I can still call you Hana, right?”

“Please do, you promised you would. Just not in front of Honor!” she says smiling. “But why didn’t you tell us you were getting Bound to him?”

“I just … it was all a bit of a surprise, I suppose.”

Hana frowns, but nods in understanding. I feel horrible deceiving them, but I need to speak with the Nobleman before I answer anyone else’s questions. A few people come to the door to congratulate me, but I ask Timid to direct them to return in the morning.

The girls spend the rest of the night giggling about mates, and I let them laugh, not lecturing them on how Humblemen and mates aren’t what they think. I don’t explain how the system they admire is one that belittles them. I can’t say any of that. Their little hearts wouldn’t understand, instead I let them dream.

I lie in my bed, once their titters have turned to whispers then turn to quiet, and decide what I’ll say to him on the ledge. I want it to be perfect. By revealing the flicker I’ve never shown anyone before, he’ll know how I feel.

Once the Refuge is silent, I tiptoe out of my room, anxious to begin my night. I find the door quickly and after looking around the empty hall, I press my hand against the knob. Locked. Closing my eyes, I imagine how desperate I am to show the Nobleman myself. I think of how perfect his face looks and how unnerving it is to look him in the eyes and how tonight everything will change. 

It works. The handle moves, and opens for me. I smile to myself remembering the rope that tied my hands down at the waterfront. How many other things could I have made work I never thought to try?

I wind my way up the stairs. Half hoping he’s already arrived, but the landing’s empty and so is the ledge. I unhinge the window, and slide the glass pane so I can step through. The air has a chill, but the sky is filled with a million shining stars. I can’t wait to share this with him. I keep my eyes wide open, letting the day’s events wash past me as I take in the view.

Leaning against the window, I realize I’ve been sitting for a long while and he hasn’t come. He would have had to come by now because he has to report to the Energy Room eventually. Goosebumps cover my arms and my thin nightgown isn’t doing anything to provide warmth. Cold, I climb back inside to the landing and close the window behind me, feeling foolish for waiting here for him all this time. I make my way down the stairs and close the door behind me, worrying that he might be mad about the proclamation I made without his approval.

My stomach flip-flops, realizing he may be angry. Who’d want to be taken by surprise like that … when you’re the prophet? How audacious of me.  I walk down the hall, feeling sick, and head to the Energy Room to find him and apologize.

The chandeliers in the hall appear dimmer than normal, and then they go out for a moment all together. I lean against the wall, not wanting to run into anything in the dark, but thankfully the light returns after a few seconds, but it’s foggy and unclear. Not the brilliant light that usually fills the Refuge. It is late in the night so most Vessels wouldn’t know what is happening, but it’s obvious the source is failing. I need to find the Nobleman.