Grateful for the effort, Devlyn tried for a smile of her own. “You already think we have big?”
Lauren nodded and sat down, feeling the sofa shift as Devlyn dropped down next to her. “Huge.”
Devlyn chuckled. “Oh, boy.”
“I accept your apology, okay?” Lauren looked a little heartsick. “But I need to say some things to you that I don’t think you’re going to want to hear.”
Devlyn’s heart started to hammer in her chest. “You don’t want—?”
“Please, honey.” Lauren pressed her fingers against Devlyn’s mouth. “Let me talk?”
Mutely, Dev nodded.
Satisfied, Lauren said, "I love your children more than I thought possible. And that makes me consider things that I never had the guts to really think of before.” She licked her lips nervously. “Judd and I talked about having a family. We decided not to.” Seeing that Devlyn wasn’t going to try to interrupt, Lauren removed her fingers from Dev’s mouth.
“There were lots of reasons we didn’t have children. But one of the big ones was that we were both so busy with our careers.”
She could hear Devlyn’s dry swallow, and so she spoke a little faster. “With the way we lived our lives, there was never enough time. I was never home. I never wanted to be home. Devlyn, we both had other commitments that we weren’t ready to give up." Lauren’s gaze strayed from Devlyn’s face for a split second as she gathered her courage. Then she glanced back. “I don’t see that our situation is any different right now.”
The words hit Devlyn like a ton of bricks, and she sucked in a painful breath.
“I’m sorry,” Lauren said, her voice catching. “I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future. But that’s how I feel right this second.”
Dev’s jaw worked for a moment before she spoke. And when she did, Lauren knew that she was profoundly hurt. "I'm too busy, I know.” She swallowed hard, feeling her throat closing. "But I'm not a bad mother," she defended quietly. "I'm not."
“Of course you’re not!” Lauren grasped Devlyn’s hand and held it against her own chest. “But, honey,” her eyes conveyed her regret, “you’re a wonderful mother who doesn't have enough time to give her children as it is. There are only so many hours in the day. It’s past mid-night now, because this was the only quiet time we could find. Emma is a wonderful help, but that’s just not enough.”
Devlyn gave a quick nod. She couldn’t dispute what was so plainly the truth. "I know.”
Lauren scrubbed her face. "Then... I… I'm confused. I know that nobody understands how busy you are more than you do.” Her forehead creased. “You just couldn’t think you could be pregnant while you were president, Devlyn?” Lauren began to panic a little, knowing that Devlyn was stubborn enough to try just that. “That would be impossible! You barely sleep and if Emma didn’t hound you like a demon with a spatula, you’d eat Oreos for half your meals and skip the other half. What baby could survive that? God, I’d worry about you both every single second!"
"There is the possibility of you actually having the child, you know." Dev couldn't help her wistful smile. The mental image of a very pregnant Lauren was one that lived happily in the corner of her mind. She knew her partner would be beautiful, as would the child. "You would be enchanting."
Lauren snorted softly. "Nice try, but I can't imagine going to bed with some stranger. Sure, he’d have to be handsome and all, but—" She smiled when Devlyn nearly shot off the sofa, glad for a teensy bit of humor during a painful conversation.
“What the—?”
“I’m just kidding, Devil. Jeeze, stop scowling like that, it’s not like it would ever happen.” She dragged Devlyn back down onto the couch next to her and waited until she was settled in and her horrified look had dissolved before speaking. Then Lauren’s tone grew very serious. "Loving a child and physically having one are two very different things. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that I don't want to give birth, Devlyn.”
The older woman’s posture immediately deflated.
“I'm sorry, honey. That’s just not something I want for myself." Worriedly, she searched Devlyn's face, which for once was utterly unreadable. Feeling her chest start to constrict she fought to explain herself. "Mama’s depression is genetic. What if I passed that on? I couldn’t live with myself after that. And you know how I feel about doctors and needles, and the thought of some stranger's sperm being inserted into me with some probe or something." She shivered, her face turning a pasty white as she envisioned a doctor, his face covered with a mask, leaning over her to…. "I—"
Dev’s own face suddenly paled, and she shot up from the sofa, drawing a startled yelp from Lauren. She began to pace, and Lauren felt herself growing more and more frightened with every step.
“Why do I have a feeling this conversation is about to take a surprising turn?”
Devlyn cringed and stuffed her hands into her pockets. “Because it is?”
“Oh, Lord.” Lauren’s eyes widened.
Devlyn dropped down on her knees in front of Lauren and took her hands. “It’s not that bad, truly.” She chose her next words very carefully, already knowing that she was on thin ice. Despite her care, however, she braced herself for what she figured would be Round Two with her spouse. "I understand that you might not want to have children yourself, sweetheart.”
Lauren let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I just don’t. A baby would take even more constant care than the kids do now. I wouldn’t want someone else to do it, and I wouldn’t be a good stay at home mom, Devlyn. That’s just not me.”
“You don’t have to be,” Devlyn replied, her voice equally low. “I guess I was just hoping.” She paused. “Errr… But while we’re discussing sperm donors I think there’s something else you should know. If we had more children, it wouldn’t have to be from an anonymous donor.”
Lauren’s brows knitted. How could Devlyn already have someone in mind when they hadn’t even talked about it yet? It sounded like she had this all mapped out. Hoping she was wrong, Lauren said, “I don’t know exactly what you mean.”
“I already have someone’s frozen sperm,” Dev corrected, trying to minimize the surprise this announcement was sure to cause. “The kids’ donor isn’t a stranger. It’s…” She steadied her nerves. “It’s David.” Not letting go of Lauren’s hands, she rocked back a little on her heels and waited for the explosion.
Lauren blinked very slowly as her brain fought to process what she'd just been told. She opened her mouth and then closed it, swallowing hard before hoarsely saying, "W... What? What?”
"I said David is the donor." Her voice was a little stronger now, but still tremulous. Dev took a deep breath and let it out slowly, her pulse pounding so loudly she was surprised Lauren couldn’t hear it.
Lauren looked away for a moment, her eyes unfocused. "David?”
“Yes.”
Her jaw worked for a moment, and she was surprised to hear how calm she sounded when she heard herself say, “David, who is your best friend?”
Devlyn’s entire body went taut with anticipation. “Yes.”
“David, who I see nearly every single day of my life and who eats at our dinner table at least once a week?”
Lauren’s voice was eerily steady, almost serene. And Dev took that as a very, very bad sign. “Yes, honey, David McMillian. Tall, redhead, mustache, you know, my chief of staff.”
Lauren’s gaze suddenly snapped back and landed on Devlyn face with palpable force. “Well, holy shit, Devlyn. Ho-lee Shit!” She pulled her hands from Dev’s and sank her fingers deep into her own hair, gripping the sides of her head as though she was afraid it might blow off.
Dev looked almost relieved. That was the reaction she’d been expecting.
"All of them?" Lauren asked incredulously. “He fathered them all?” And no one bothered to tell me? What in the hell is going on?
Dev wasn’t exactly comfortable with the word “father” but something told her that splitting hairs at that very moment might end her up in the emergency room. So she just said, “Yes. All of them. He and Beth agreed to help Samantha and me when we wanted to start a family.” She moved back onto the sofa alongside Lauren. “He's my best friend, and we wanted the children to have the same father. We did it for lots of reasons, including medical ones. Based on how the kids turned out, I think we made the right choice. He was willing to keep quiet about his contribution, but still be a positive force in their lives."
“And you didn’t trust me to keep quiet about it?” Hurt colored her words. “Is that—?”
"No,” Dev interrupted harshly. “Of course not, Lauren.” Devlyn took Lauren’s hand again, determined not to let go. “I trust you with my life. My family. My heart. Everything. I hadn’t thought about David being the donor in years. We agreed never to talk about it, and we never have. Not once, Lauren, in all these years. It was actually sort of easy to imagine it never happened at all. But a few months ago, David came to me and asked me about some legalities having to do with the children’s custody should something happen to me.”
Lauren’s eyes widened in alarm. “But—”
“Shh….” Devlyn easily read Lauren’s fear. “I’m fine, honestly. It’s just that the assassination attempt and our engagement brought up some things that needed to be addressed.”
Lauren looked down at their joined hands and schooled herself in patience. “Then why didn’t you tell me?” She was finding it harder and harder not to lash out or burst into tears. “I don’t understand!”
“I know. Please let me explain,” Dev said in a rush. “Please.” There was a rare note of urgency and fear in Devlyn’s voice that captured every ounce of Lauren’s attention. Then something else flashed across Devlyn’s face, something even rarer than fear. Shame. “After I spoke with David, I knew I needed to tell you, but I put it off because I was worried that you’d be upset that I didn’t tell you earlier. And then I kept putting it off because the longer I waited, the more upset I figured you’d be.”
Still dumbfounded, Lauren felt queasy. Tears welled up, stinging her eyes, and she found that she couldn’t blink them back. "And you were afraid to tell me this, why? I love David."
"I was afraid that you would think I had been intentionally keeping it from you, which I hadn't.” Dev stomach began to churn. “But everyday I didn’t say something just made it worse. It was the wrong choice and I am so, so sorry.”
Lauren sat in silence for a long time, trying to absorb what she'd just been told. Part of her felt irrationally betrayed by Devlyn’s lack of disclosure. She was angry and hurt and suddenly afraid for her new marriage. "And—" Lauren had to stop and swallow. "And just what did you think I would do that made you afraid to talk to me? I know I have a temper, but... Christ, Devlyn," she hissed.
Devlyn squeezed her eyes shut. "I was afraid that you'd leave!" Tears slipped from between the closed lids, and Dev cursed softly, disgusted at herself for appearing weak and needy. "You did before, when Sarah kissed me and you were so angry you just left! I can’t lose you because I did something stupid. I just can’t!"
“I went to the park for a few hours to calm down. It’s not like I shaved my head, changed my name, and moved to
Brazil
!”
“You still left, Lauren,” Devlyn pointed out raggedly. “I tried to explain and you wouldn’t hear it. I was afraid this time would be worse. What if I couldn’t find you? I…” Blue eyes darted sideways and away from that penetrating gray gaze. “I’m not used to being afraid. I didn’t know what to do.”
For a moment, an internal battle raged. Lauren was well aware that her emotions were running so close to the surface that they would very likely get the better of her. She was equally close to saying something she’d probably regret later. She wiped at her face with an irritated hand and took a calming breath. "Devlyn, honey, look at me.” She cupped Devlyn’s chin and turned her face so that they were eye to eye. “I think the most important thing isn't that I left, but that I came back and that we worked it out."
Thickly, Lauren whispered, "I'm never leaving you. Never. I might need time and space to think about things.” She threaded their fingers together. “But that's only so I don't go crazy and murder you in your sleep for keeping things from me." She offered Dev a weak smile, but it was clear that she was only half joking.
A little of the fear in Dev’s eyes receded. "I meant what I said. I wasn’t intentionally keeping this from you. I think of the kids as mine. All mine,” her lips curled slightly, “and now ours, of course. At first, after Ashley was born, it was sort of like if I didn’t think about it, it would be true. By the time Samantha had the boys, their biological parentage wasn’t even something Samantha and I discussed anymore. I’ve grown used to not thinking about it, and the kids, all of them, they are mine, you know?”
They exchanged watery smiles and Lauren said, “I know.” She ducked her head and picked a little at the sofa’s fabric. “I’m sorry if I’ve made you afraid. I know I’ve wanted to run this year instead of face things sometimes. I’m trying to get past that.” She suddenly looked up, confidence radiating from shiny gray eyes. “I am getting past that.”
Devlyn felt her heart rate begin to slow. Things weren’t spinning out of control as they had in the past. “You’re doing great,” she said emotionally. “Really great, Lauren.”
"Then say that you believe that I won’t leave you and I’ll stick with you to work through things," Lauren ordered, her heart aching for her part in Devlyn’s fears. "You're stuck with me.” Her voice was hoarse and cracked as she spoke. “Say it."