“You’re awfully quiet today,” Lauren ventured after a few moments of unexpected silence. Like her mother, Ashley was at times introspective, at times a chatterbox, but after just coming back from three days in the “
“I guess.”
Lauren trained her eyes on the boys and the sea. “Wanna talk about it?”
Ashley hesitated, taking a moment to examine a small white shell near her foot. “Me and Chris and Aaron asked Mom what we should call you. She said to ask you and that we should do whatever you wanted.”
Lauren exhaled. Even though she knew this talk would be coming soon, she was still a little startled that the time had finally arrived. She also knew how important this was to Devlyn and figured that rapid-paced acceptance of co-parents must be some part of lesbian culture that no one had clued her in about. The older woman had wanted the children to address Lauren as “Mom or Mama” the moment they became engaged, which was well before Lauren, herself, felt she was ready. Luckily, the matter came up at a staff meeting, and Michael Oaks had interceded with a mini-protocol lesson, explaining that that parental title wasn’t appropriate until after the wedding. When Lauren had agreed, Devlyn begrudgingly let the matter drop.
Now, however… Now. A slow, easy smile worked its way across Lauren’s face as she thought about the difference the past six months had made. “What is it that you want to call me, Ashley? Forget about your mother for a minute.”
Surprised, Ashley's gaze darted sideways. “I… I guess I’m not sure.”
Lauren nodded slowly. “So why don’t you take some time to think about it? There’s no hurry.” Despite what certain presidents might think.
Ashley frowned. “I have thought about it. A lot.”
Pale brows lifted. “Oh.”
“I don’t remember my other mom.” The girl sighed and continued to examine the shell in her hands. “I mean, I thought I did. I thought I remembered her taking me to the park when I was Aaron’s age. But the other day I was looking at some old pictures and what I remembered was right there.” She sniffed a few times. “I think I was remembering the picture and not really her. Does that make sense?”
She turned heartsick eyes on Lauren, who could only nod. “That makes perfect sense, honey. But it’s not necessarily bad. I know your mom and Emma have kept Samantha alive for you through stories about her and lots of pictures and recordings.”
“She wasn’t really my mom,” Ashley said, abruptly changing the direction of the conversation. “Not by blood, I mean. We’re not related.”
Lauren felt like she was on a roller coaster and her stomach did a flip-flop.
Yikes.
“We learned about reproduction in school. You need a man and a woman for a baby, and that doesn’t change just because you call two people Mom.”
Lauren’s eyebrows inched a little higher. “Err…” She cast about for whatever it was she was supposed to say in this instance. “Have you talked to your mom about this, Ashley?”
“I can’t.” Ashley’s lips turned downward. “I don’t think she’ll understand.”
Lauren opened her mouth to disagree, but the words wouldn’t come. Ashley did have a point. This was one subject where Devlyn was too close to the situation to really see anyone’s viewpoint but her own. She had loved Samantha dearly, and their decision to raise a family together was the final word on parenting as far as Devlyn was concerned. And while Lauren tended to agree that love, support, and deeds were more important than biology ever would be, she also understood those were mature concepts that any child would have trouble dealing with.
“You wanna talk to me about it, then?” Lauren asked gently, her gaze darting down the beach in the direction that Devlyn had gone.
Ashley made a face. “I thought I was.”
Lauren smiled a little. “Oh, right.” She edged a little closer to Ashley and perched her sunglasses on the top of her head so they wouldn’t be between her and Dev’s much-loved daughter. “Go on.”
Ashley shrugged one slim shoulder. “That’s it, I guess. I still love my other mom. I just wanted to say that. Nobody ever does.” Her expression turned thoughtful. “People act like my family is just like everyone else’s.”
Lauren reached out and softly petted Ashley’s hair. “I suppose they do. But I don’t think it’s because they think they’re keeping secrets from you, Ashley.”
“You don’t?”
“No way.” Lauren shook her head. “Everyone knows what a bright girl you are. And that most especially includes your mama.”
Ashley looked even more confused and something inside her seemed to snap. “Then why—” Her hands flailed around as she searched for the right words. “Why… Ugh!”
Luckily, Lauren had a pretty good idea of what she was asking.
“I think that sometimes when two women or two men want to have a baby, they’re not too happy about the fact that they can’t just… Umm… reproduce the way you learned about in school. It would be easier if they could have a baby the way most people do. But they have to put a lot more effort and thought into it than just that.”
Ashley nodded. “I guess.”
“And so when they do finally have a baby, and they’re so happy, the way your mom and Samantha were when you were born, they don’t want to focus on what it took to get you. They want to think about how wonderful it is to have you.” She stopped and searched Ashley’s face. “Does that make sense?”
Dark eyebrows drew together. “Sort of.”
Sympathy shining brightly in soft gray eyes, she gave her an encouraging pat. “It’s hard, I know. But I do agree with your mom on one thing, Ashley.” Lauren’s voice grew more resolute. She wanted to emphasize this part. “Samantha was your mom. She earned that right by the time she spent loving and taking care of you, even if you two aren’t related by blood.”
“I know,” Ashley said quickly. “I know she loved me and took care of me. It’s just that I really don’t remember much. And I… I…” She groaned and threw her shell into the gently rolling waves. “I don’t know!” She turned so that she was fully facing Lauren. “I don’t know what I think or what’s wrong. I just wanted to tell someone what I was thinking, I guess. I do love Mom and Mom. But if I call you that, then it’s like you’re the same as them to me and you’re not. You’re different!”
“Hey.” With infinite tenderness, Lauren wiped the tears from Ashley’s face, her own heart clenching. “It’s okay. We are all different to you.”
Ashley’s voice took on a sudden, panicky edge. “You won’t tell Mom I said this, will you?” Her eyes widened with alarm, the thought of her mother’s disapproval stinging her to the core. “She’ll be mad and—”
“Wait a second, Ashley. Hey,” she grabbed the girl’s arms and held on tight, just as Ashley was going to bolt. “Hold on. You haven’t done or said anything wrong. Your mom has strong feelings about this, but she’s not some ogre. It’s good to talk about things that are bothering you.” When there is someone around to listen. Shit.
Lauren waited a few awkward moments, allowing the sound of the beach and the boys' laughter to slowly fade back in and Ashley to relax a little. Slowly, she released Ashley’s arms. “You can call me ‘Lauren’ forever. It won’t change how I feel about you if that’s what you decide to do. I only recently started to call your grandma ‘Mom’, because it felt right to do it now when it didn’t before. But even then I loved her just the same.”
“But I don’t love you all the same! I love you more!” Ashley shouted miserably, her face crumbling.
Lauren sucked in a shocked breath, then after several heartbeats while they stared at each other, she let it out shakily. She blinked several times as the words penetrated her brain. “I — I—”
“Not more than Mom…” Ashley’s tear-stained cheeks flushed red as she struggled to get the words out. “The same there, I guess, but... bu… but different, too. I can’t help it. I… I.. do love you more than my other mom.” She started to cry again. “I know I shouldn’t and Mom will probably be mad…” She began to hiccup and had to stop speaking.
“Oh, Ashley.” Strong arms pulled the sobbing child into a firm embrace. “I love you, too,” Lauren whispered fiercely, her lips pressed near Ashley’s ear. She felt her own eyes begin to fill. “You don’t have to love us all the same. I swear that’s not something you have to feel bad about.” She hugged her tighter, her heart going out to the trembling girl in her arms.
Ashley shook her head, unwilling to release the guilt she felt she so rightly deserved. “I think I… I’m supposed to love her more. That’s why Mom told us all about my dead mom, so I that would.” She sniffed loudly. “We used to go to the graveyard and bring flowers and—”
“Listen, okay? Listen.” Lauren pulled away from Ashley and cupped her quivering, wet cheeks with warm hands. “Your mom wanted you to know about your other mother because she loved her. And because of how much Samantha loved you. And it’s because of that love that you were even born. And, you’re right. Your moms had a donor to help them with the biology part of things. That’s something someone should have talked with you about a long time ago. I’m sorry for that, Ash. I should have been paying better attention. I didn’t know you felt this way.”
The girl drew in a breath to say something, but Lauren pressed ahead, not giving her the chance to jump in. This needed saying.
“The only reason you’re here at all is because your mom and Samantha wanted you.” She looked deeply into Ashley’s eyes, finding fear, but also comprehension. “Got it?”
Mutely, Ashley nodded.
“Just because your mom doesn’t want you to forget your other mom, that doesn’t mean you can’t love me too. There are no rules for how much you have to love people or who ranks above who. None. If there were, I would know it.”
Ashley shook her head wildly, dislodging a tear that hung precariously from her quivering chin. “That can’t be—”
“It is true,” Lauren insisted. “I swear it.” She gave Ashley a watery smile. “I sort of know how you feel, Ashley. I love your grandma in a way I never did my own mama.”
“Do you love her more?” Ashley questioned, her voice barely above a whisper.
Lauren closed her eyes, feeling hot tears spill over and streak her cheeks. “I… I—” No. The truth. She doesn’t need your bullshit! She gathered her courage and swallowed hard. “I think I do care for her a little more, because she’s more a part of my life than my mama ever was. Your grandma is a good parent and took me into her heart when I needed her. She was there for me, Ashley. And my mama wasn’t a bad person, but she was never there.”
“Did you feel… ba… bad about it?” Impatiently, she wiped at her face, hoping her brothers wouldn’t see her tears. “About loving Grandma more?”
Lauren nodded. “I did.” She sniffed a few times. “Until I realized that Mama would want me to love someone that much. Your other mom would want that, too, Ashley. Love is a wonderful thing.” The corner of her mouth quirked. “You don’t have to be stingy with it. The more you want to give, the more you’ll find you have.”
Ashley licked her lips as some of the anxiety that had been bubbling up in her belly faded. “So it’s okay to call you whatever I want? And it’s okay to feel this way? I’m not being horrible to my mom who is dead?”
Lauren let out a soundless sigh. “Yes, to the first questions and no to the last one, Ashley.”
“And Mom won’t be mad at me?”
Lauren sat back on her heels, the boys’ laughter interrupting her thoughts for a second. She turned her head to find them dipping their toes in the surf and chasing each other. Then she refocused on Ashley. “I don’t think she’ll be mad. But you know this is sort of complicated stuff, right?”
Despite herself, Ashley snorted, drawing a smile from Lauren. “Yeah.”
“Well, it’s hard for grownups too. But I think you should give your mom a chance to talk to you about this, don’t you?” Lauren squeezed Ashley’s hand. “She hasn’t killed you yet, and she is a really good mom.”
Reluctantly, Ashley nodded. “She is.” She pinned Lauren with a pleading look. “But will you be there, too? Please?”
“Of course.” They hugged again, and this time, Lauren couldn’t feel the girl’s heart pounding out of her chest. After a moment, Ashley and Lauren let go and both of them fell back on the blanket, looking up into a gorgeous bright sky.
“Could I call you Mama?” Ashley asked shyly, not turning to face to Lauren.
A small smile twitched a Lauren’s lips. “I would love that, darlin’.” She swallowed thickly. “But only if it’s something you’re ready for.”
Ashley chewed her lip for moment, giving the matter her most serious consideration. “It is,” she pronounced finally. “It’s different than what I call Mom. And it still shows that you love and take care of me and that I love you, right?”
Lauren nodded. “Absolutely.” She hoped her voice didn’t sound as hoarse to Ashley as it did to her own ears.
Quickly warming to the idea Ashley said, “Plus, it’s what you called your mom, right.”
This time she couldn’t answer at all. So she just nodded and reached out for Ashley’s hand.
“Good,” Ashley said brightly, her mood lifting almost immediately. She stood up just as her brothers ran up to the blanket.
“What’s wrong, Ashley?” Christopher asked, clearly concerned. He began to fiddle with the stems of his small, wire-rimmed glasses, something he always did when he was anxious.