Fire Down Below (38 page)

***

The next morning I’m standing down
in the hotel lobby with Declan while he checks us out of The Clarence. I’m
staring into space when I suddenly notice a man walk past. He’s wearing a black
wool pea coat and pale blue wraparound sunglasses. For a second it doesn’t
register, but then I feel a shot of adrenaline as I watch him disappear around
the corner.

“B-B-Bono,” I stammer as I reach
out and grab Declan’s arm.

He looks at me quizzically. “What’s
wrong?”

“I just saw Bono!” I manage to say
in a squeaking voice.

He finishes signing the credit
card receipts and glances around. “I don’t see him.”

“That’s because he left the lobby.
Come on, let’s go find him!”

We search the ground floor of the
hotel, peeking in the restaurant and then the Tea Room, but don’t see him
anywhere.

“Are you sure it was him?”

“Yes, I’m sure!”

We walk into the Octagon Bar and
right away I spot him. I can barely believe my eyes. He looks just like he does
in photographs, only shorter. It really is true what they say about celebrities
looking smaller in real life. I stop in the doorway with Declan right behind
me. “Over there!” I hiss, motioning with my head.

He follows my line of sight. “Well,
I’ll be damned. You got lucky.”

I stand there frozen, staring at
Bono who’s leaning against the bar talking with a couple of guys.

“What should we do?” I whisper
frantically.

“Let’s go over and say hello.”

“But I thought you said Dubliners have
to leave him alone. That it’s some kind of unspoken law!”

He takes my hand and leads me.
“Come on, there’s always an exception. Besides you’re from the states.”

I feel so nervous that I could pee
my pants. It would be thrilling to meet Bono! To my amazement when we get up to
the bar Declan walks over and starts talking to him as if he were a regular
person. He tells Bono that he’s sorry to interrupt, but that we wanted to say a
quick hello—that Kate here is a tremendous fan.

And then suddenly Bono is
looking
at me.

“Hello Kate, it’s nice to meet you.”

“H-h-hello,” I manage to say. “I...love
you. I mean, I love your music. It’s so great.”

“Thank you,” he nods. “It’s always
nice to hear that.”

I stand there and stare at him. I
know I should say something more, but I can’t think of a single thing. My mind
is as blank as snow. It’s all I can do to keep breathing normally. I must have
a gallon of adrenaline sloshing through me.

“Perhaps you’d like an autograph?”
Bono asks.

“Yes!” I nod frantically. “That
would be great!”

He turns to his companions and
asks if either of them has pen and paper. One of them points over behind the
bar and says there should be some in a drawer by the cash register. It’s early
morning and the bar isn’t even open yet.

“I’ll grab it,” Declan says,
walking over towards the cash register. “Which drawer did you say it was in?”

“Bottom one,” the guy responds.

While Declan is rooting through
the drawer Bono is studying me with an amused expression. Meanwhile I’m staring
at him like a mental patient who thinks she’s seen Jesus.

“I’m not usually this stupid,” I
say.

He chuckles.

I just made Bono
laugh
!

“Don’t worry, I’m used to it. So
you’re here visiting Ireland?”

I nod, “Yes, I’m from Seattle.
Declan is from Dublin.”

Declan comes back over then with a
pen and some yellow notepaper. “This should do,” he says, handing it to Bono,
who takes it and puts it on the bar. I watch as he writes something for a few
seconds. Then he tears off a sheet and hands it to me.

“Thank you,” I say, clutching it
like it’s the Shroud of Turin.

“Yes, thank you for that,” Declan
says.

“So you’re a Dubliner?” Bono asks
him.

“I am. I used to watch you guys
play at the Sentinel years ago.”

 “The Sentinel?” Bono looks at him
with surprise. “That hellhole up on the Northside? I remember that pub. It was
crazy every night.”

“It was,” Declan agrees with a
grin, “I think even the Garda were afraid to go inside.”

“I fecking loved that place.”

“Me too.”

Bono gives him an assessing gaze.
“Declan, is it?” He puts his hand out towards him. “Good to meet you.”

Declan reaches over and gives
Bono’s hand a strong shake. “It’s an honor.”

Afterwards, as we’re walking around
Temple Bar, I’m so high on adrenaline that I’m bouncing all over the sidewalk.

 “We met Bono! I can’t believe it!
Wasn’t that amazing? And—oh my God—you were like
bonding
with him or
something!”

“I don’t know if I’d go that far.”

“And wasn’t he totally nice? I
thought he was really nice.”

“He’s a good man,” Declan agrees.

“I can’t believe we met him! You
have to admit that was really cool, come on.”

 “Yes, Kate,” he says, smiling at
me. “That was definitely cool.”

It’s my last day
here and
Declan’s sister Siobahn wants us to come over for dinner. They’re all such warm
people that I know I’m going to miss them. I can’t believe my time in Ireland
is already over. It feels like I’ve been here a lot longer than two weeks. So
much has changed for me.

Declan comes to my room while I’m
packing some of my things, cramming everything I can into my one lone carry-on
bag, though I don’t see how it’s all going to fit. With all the gifts I’ve bought
for everyone I have way more stuff than when I arrived.

“There’s something I need to do
today.”

“Oh?” I glance over at him. “Okay.
Well, that’s fine. I can stay here and do laundry and finish packing.”

He’s wearing a solemn expression.
“It’s something I do every time I come home and I was thinking—maybe you’d like
to come with me?”

There’s a strange note in his
voice that gets my attention. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.” He moves
towards the door. “Do you think you’ll be ready to go in ten minutes?”

“Sure.”

Declan is quiet in the car. I keep
thinking back to our conversation the other day and wonder if he’s angry or
disappointed with me. I wish I wasn’t so mixed up about my feelings. I want
Declan so much, but I feel myself slipping back into my old pattern. I’m afraid
to let myself go. What if he breaks my heart? How would I survive that?

“We’re here.”

I look around. I’ve been so deep
in thought that I wasn’t even paying attention to where we were driving. It’s
obvious we’re in a cemetery. “What is this place?”

“My father’s buried here.” Declan
turns in his seat to face me. “I don’t know why I brought you. It felt right
somehow. I’ll understand if you’re uncomfortable and want to wait for me in the
car.”

I stare out at the scene in front
of me. In truth there’s a wimpy part of myself that would rather stay here, but
then I think about how Declan is willing to share this with me.

“I want to come with you.”

He gives me a curt nod and we both
get out of the car. It’s quite chilly and I wrap the wool scarf his mother made
me for Christmas around my neck. We walk down a narrow path. It isn’t like the cemeteries
in the states where so many head stones are flat on the ground or similarly
unobtrusive. Almost all of the graves here have big Irish crosses on them and
are crowded close together. I follow Declan through some winding footpaths.
Finally we stop at the end of a row and looking at the headstone beneath the
cross, I see this is Declan’s father—Brian O’Connor. Most of the writing is in Irish,
but at least I recognize his name.

Declan puts the flowers down and
squats next to the grave.

“It’s good to be here Da,” he says
quietly. “A lot has happened this past year.”

I stand silently behind Declan and
listen as he tells his father about starting his own business, about how hard
he’s been working at it. He tells him about the software he and Sev have been
developing and about some of the press they’ve been getting. Declan talks about
the fears he’s had, the self-doubt, and how hard it is to push that aside
sometimes. I have an uneasy sense of eavesdropping on a private conservation,
but Declan knows I’m here. Plus I couldn’t pull myself away if I wanted to.
It’s touching to hear him talk about having self-doubt because he’s one of the
most confident people I know.

He turns around and smiles at me.
“I’ve brought someone, Da.” He reaches out for my hand and I come closer,
sitting next to him on the cold ground. “This is Kate.”

I smile and say, hello.

“This woman is something special
to me,” he says, still holding my hand. “I don’t know what will happen between
us, but I do know that she makes me happy.”

I feel my heart beating harder and
I squeeze his hand. “Your son makes me happy too,” I say to his father’s grave.
“He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met. He’s a good man and you have every reason to
be proud of him.” I think of how true my words are and what a shame it is that Declan’s
father doesn’t get to see the man he’s become.

Declan says a few things more and
then I watch as he puts his fingers to his lips, kisses them, and places them
on his father’s gravestone. “Until next year—God bless.”

He helps me up and we leave,
heading back to the car. We don’t drive to the house. Instead he takes me to a
cozy pub on the Northside, not far from where he grew up.

And then to my surprise, over a
couple of pints, Declan tells me about his father. His voice is steady,
chuckling at times over some of the memories. The times they shared a laugh together
and how they used to enjoy playing practical jokes on his mother and sister
Rachel. There’s another story about a trip to visit his grandparents in Galway
where the car broke down and his dad and grandfather tried to tow it using a
cow. “Can you imagine? I was only a lad, so they had me riding the cow.” As I’m
listening to him tell these stories, watching him open his heart to me, I feel a
sense of wonder. Of all the people he’s known, Declan has chosen me to share these
memories with.

***

That night after dinner with
Siobhan and her family, after everyone is asleep, Declan comes to me. I’m
surprised when the door opens, but happily scoot over and make room for him in
my bed.

He pulls me into his arms, his
body warm and solid against mine. “I couldn’t stay away,” he murmurs into my
neck, kissing me, sliding his mouth over my skin. “I tried, but I couldn’t do
it. I’m not that strong.”

“I’m glad you came.”

He makes love to me and as we
touch there’s a current of such strength flowing between us that it’s unlike
anything I’ve ever experienced. Neither of us wants to let go and after the sex
is over we both stay together, holding each other tight.

When we finally pull apart, he
smiles at me. “I never told you what that Irish meant from before. Would you
like me to tell you now?”

I nod, propping myself up on one
elbow. The room is dark, but there’s enough light coming through the window
that we can still see each other. “What does it mean?”

He puts his hand up to my hair, gently
pushing a piece of it away from my face. “Tá grá agam duit means I love you.”

I meet his gaze, so clear and true,
and I realize that he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. The absolute
best. How did I ever get this lucky? What star was shining on me the day his
path crossed mine? I want to tell him this, but when I open my mouth I can’t get
the words out.

“You don’t have to
say it back to me,” he says. “I keep thinking about what you said before, that
you’re scared of being hurt again. And you should know this Kate—it’s possible I
could break your heart or you could break mine. But what I’ve come to realize
is that you’re not really alive until you love someone, until you take that
leap of faith. I don’t want a halfhearted existence. Or a half lived life. I
want to experience everything life has to offer and I want to experience it
with you. I’m willing to take a chance on us, but you need to ask yourself—are
you brave enough to do the same?”

It feels strange
, but good
to be back in Seattle. Strange in the way it always feels when you come home
after traveling far away and can’t quite get your bearings. I haven’t seen
Declan at all since I’ve been back. I know he’s busy with work, but I also
sense that he’s giving me my space. I miss him though. I miss him with an ache
that I feel all the way to my soul. A part of me understands how crazy I’m
acting. It is crazy and if I told anyone about it they’d tell me I should jump
in his arms and never let go.

Instead I spend the first few days
walking around in a daze. It’s like I’m on the verge of understanding something,
something important and life changing, but I don’t know what it is.

And so I go on with my life. I go
to my parent’s house and look at all their photos, listening to the fun details
about their trip to Greece, feeling happy for them and glad they didn’t stay
home for me. I meet Suzy and Lauren for dinner hearing all their Christmas
stories and telling them about my trip to Dublin, how I even got to meet Bono. It
all seems so normal, and yet everything feels off centered. It’s like I can
barely get my thoughts together and I’m seeing the world through a thick fog. Even
my first day back at work is just a blur of meaninglessness.

Friday night as I’m lying there on
my couch trying to make sense of things, there’s a knock on my front door. To
my surprise, I find Ben.

“Hi Kate,” he says quietly.

For a moment I’m too stunned to speak.
I haven’t seen him since the night we broke up. Finally I invite him inside and
he follows me back to the living room.

“How are you?” I hear myself
asking politely.

“Everything’s...fine.” He pauses.
“Listen, my trip to Peru got changed, so I’m headed down there in a couple of
days. I thought maybe I should touch base with you. I won’t be back until
February.”

“I see.” I’m surprised he felt the
need to tell me any of this.

“You probably don’t even want me
here, but I figured we should talk—you know?” He seems uneasy, standing there
with his hands stuffed into his front pockets. “Did you have a good Christmas?
I never heard from you, so I assumed you made other plans.”

“Yes, I went to Ireland.”

Ben nods absentmindedly, but then
suddenly looks at me with a startled expression. “Did you just say you went to
Ireland
?”

“Declan invited me to spend
Christmas with him and his family.”

“Jesus, neither of you wasted any
time did you?”

 “Don’t start, Ben. If this is
what you came over for you can leave right now.”

“When were you going to tell me
about this? Or maybe you weren’t going to tell me at all.”

“I don’t owe you an explanation.
We’re not a couple anymore—remember?”

“I guess you and Declan are though,
huh?” He walks over and pushes some clothes off my leopard chair so he can sit
down.

I sit on the couch. “Ben, I don’t
want to argue. If you were serious about what you said that night, and you want
us to still be friends, then don’t make a big deal out of it.”

Ben closes his eyes. “You’re
right, let’s not fight.” When he opens them he’s quiet for a few seconds. “It’s
really over between us, isn’t it?”

“It is. You knew that though,
didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I knew.” He studies his
hands. “So how have you been, since—you know, that night. Are you all right?”

“I’m okay. How about you?”

“It’s weird, but I’m okay too.
It’s not at all like last time is it?”

“No, it isn’t.” As I’m sitting
there with Ben a feeling of complete clarity washes over me. I suddenly understand
everything. I understand why I’ve been in a haze, why nothing has made sense to
me, and I realize that everything is going to be okay. I sit up straight. “Listen
Ben, I want you to know something. I want you to know that despite everything
that’s happened between us I’m glad we were together again. It really helped
me.”

He’s quiet, taking in what I’ve
just said. Then he begins to nod in agreement. “You’re right. It helped me too.
Wow, this has been crazy, huh?” He looks at me with an amazed grin. “Don’t take
this the wrong way Kate, but I’m finally over you.”

I grin back. “I’m over you too.”

Our eyes meet and it feels right.
Like the air has been cleared and we can move on from here.

“So how long were you in Ireland?”

“Two weeks.”

“And you had fun?”

I think about my trip and how the
word fun doesn’t even come close to describing the magnitude of it, but I say
yes, anyway.

 “Listen,” Ben leans forward in his
chair, “I should tell you that I’ve sort of found myself involved with someone.
It’s someone you know, actually.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say I really
know
Heather, she was just our waitress that night.”

He shakes his head. “No, not her, someone
else. It’s...Rochelle.”

“Rochelle?” The floozy? I almost say
out loud before I catch myself.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Ben
says, with a laugh. “She’s not really my type, but we went on a date and had a
good time. It turns out she’s been trying to quit smoking, so I’ve started
helping her with that. Plus she wants my advice on how to improve her diet.”

I chuckle to myself, realizing that
Rochelle probably is perfect for him after all.

“That’s awesome. I’m glad for you
two.”

Ben gets up to leave. When we get
to the front door he stops and turns to me. “Kate, I’m sorry that things ended for
us the way they did. I never meant to hurt you. I want you to be happy in your
life. I really do. I may be over you, but in a way I’ll always love you—you
know?”

“I know,” I say softly. “In a way,
I’ll always love you too.”

After he’s gone, I do something I
haven’t done in a very long time. I get out my
Blood Sugar Sex Magic
CD
from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, lie on my couch, and listen to the whole thing
from beginning to end. And when I finally cry, it’s not out of sadness or
regret. Ben and I had the best time. We were really in love once and I know how
lucky I am to have experienced it.

I felt like he’d given me a gift
when we broke up. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. By coming into my
life a second time he’s released me. I’m finally able to open my heart to
someone new. I’m not afraid anymore.