Finding My Thunder (16 page)

“Not
with my Sooner around,” I said, and we reached a good place beside the back
porch and I bent my knees and kept my legs spread like the biggest whore ever
and we lowered those puppies all the way down and moved them off my dress.

Well
he was laughing at all of them, and he said, “This dog is such a get around. There’s
something looks like a beagle, but I swear this is a German Shepherd.”

“What
would Annie think of these?” I said.

He
was squatted next to me. “Oh man if she saw these we’d have the biggest beg-fest
goin
’ on. Paul would never say yes. Poor kid,” he
held a yellow looking bulldog, up close to his face. “Hey buddy. You’re just
one in a pack, just like me.” He laughed.

“But
she can come and see them, I hope. Wouldn’t she like to hold one of these? She’d
die,” I said, sitting on the ground, my legs out straight while I held a red
one. Sooner was wheedling between us trying to get to her puppies. I moved so
she could. She was sniffing over them and rearranging them too.

Danny
plopped to the ground beside me and ran his hand over my leg, “I’m about to
die.”

I
laughed at him. “You know what? We could name these for your whole family. How
many are there?”

“Seven
kids and two parents. That’s nine. Guess number ten could be Hilly,” he said
squeezing my leg right above my knee.

We
were laughing. Then someone pulled up but we couldn’t see the drive-way from
where we were. It had to be Naomi. Sooner took off round the front of the
house. I handed Danny the puppy I’d been holding and ran after Sooner. Naomi
was afraid of dogs.

It
was Naomi and Sister Debra. Sister Debra, big as she was, was already out of
the car. She was whooping and sitting on the hood of the car with her legs
straight out. Naomi was inside the vehicle laying on the horn and yelling, “Get
out of here,” at the dog who was barking fierce.

I
grabbed Sooner by the scruff of her neck. “Quiet,” I yelled.

Danny
wasn’t far behind me. He stomped his boots and Sooner backed off and ran back
to the pups.

One
of the neighbor men came to see what went on. Then another. Danny went to talk
to them. I helped Debra off the car. She’d lost one of her shoes so I helped
her get it back on. Naomi was asking where that hound from hell had come from,
that she had fought the devil in all his forms and now this.

I
said, “It’s my dog. She’s got pups too, but she’s really nice once she gets to
know you…she’s just upset.”

When
Danny was finished talking to the neighbors he said his helloes to the ladies
then walked to me. “Nosey bastards,” he said. “They got nothing better to do. We
need to get your stuff off that porch before the other crazy man gets home. If
he ain’t there already.”

“You
don’t have to do that too!” I said.

“I’m
going to ride back around and load the car. You stay here and keep the dog
quiet and make it up to Miss Blue,” he said. Then he kissed me.

So
that’s what he did. I kissed him good-bye around five times and went in the
house. Sister Debra had her shoes off and her belt slung over the back of a
kitchen chair. Naomi was in the bathroom but she talked loud, carrying on a
conversation with Sister while she did her business. They were trading dog
stories, the kind that helped them remember how much they hated dogs.

“Girl,”
Debra said, “you all ain’t gonna keep that dog up in here. She don’t want no
dog.”

I
went out back and got a puppy and went in to the bathroom door. “Naomi?”

She
yanked the door. She was wearing her robe. “Don’t be bringing those animals
into this house,” she said.

“But
look at it, Naomi. Ain’t it the cutest ever?” I kissed its little head.

“Don’t
be putting your mouth on that nastiness,” she rebuked me. “Let me see that
thing…that’s just like a rat. That’s all that is.”

“You
know that ain’t so,” I whined following her into the kitchen. “Look at his
little paws.”

“What
about that big one attacked us?” Debra said filling the kettle.

“Just
defending her pups,” I said. “She just has to figure out you ain’t going to
hurt her.”

“But
I am going to hurt her she comes at me like that. She’s got to go, Hilly. I
can’t have a vicious dog in the yard. The neighbors are already complaining. You
know I can’t afford that kind of notice, especially now.” She was trying to be
stern, but I knew she didn’t want to be stern with me. Not after the day we’d
had.

“You
got that fine boy just
waitin
’ on you and you in here
carryin
’ on over a dog? Girl…what’s the matter with
you?” Debra pointed to her head.

“Oh…hold
this,” I said handing the puppy to Naomi.

She
was saying, “No,” as I handed the little mite off. I ran out of the house and
across the yard then, across Mama’s yard, too and around her house. Danny was
putting a load of my clothes into his trunk. The boy was helping him load up. I
could see Mama’s records and clothes there too. Lonnie had gotten right on it.

I
really didn’t want to see him again tonight. So I was loading things really
quickly. My books and records, my clothes. My bedspread and curtains. Shoes. My
stuff from the bathroom packed in the same toilet tissue box I’d seen their
things in that morning.

Last
thing was the dog food. Danny put it in the front where my feet went. I got in
on his side and sat in the middle with my feet on the seat.

We
went around the block then down the alley. Danny pulled close to the gate. “I
don’t know why I feel so happy all of a sudden when I just got kicked out of my
home.”

“Yeah
me too. I lost my job.”

“I
guess I lost my job too, but I’m not sure I ever had it so….”

Back
at Naomi’s house we put everything on the porch. I wouldn’t let Danny do any
more than that. It was enough. It was a lot of stuff, but not when I thought
about it being everything I owned.

Debra
and Naomi came out right away and Naomi handed me the pup. “Cute little rat,”
she said. Then they started to bring things inside right away. Naomi was
setting me up in the back room, the one that had belonged to Eugene.

Danny
went back to the pups and I followed and put the one back in the nest. Sooner
was nursing them now and I helped this one get near a teat. Then I got Danny a
glass of iced tea. “I’m gonna finish helping them with my stuff and I’ll be right
back,” I said watching his throat work. He about drained that glass. “You want
some more?” He nodded and I went in and refilled.

After
I helped them carry it in, I went back to Danny and the pups. We sat there on
the steps but we ended lying on the grass, and we each had one lying on our
stomachs. “What you gonna do for a job now?” I said.

“I
don’t know. Go back in the morning and see if he means it. If he don’t…I’ll be
fine. I can only go up.”

“That
boy he moved in seems okay,” I said.

“The
girl too. They…what are they gonna do, you know? That mother has a screw
loose.”

“Yeah.
The only hard thing is…my room. That’s it.”

I
looked at him and he looked at me and his hand came to gently touch my face.

“You
like to touch my cheek or something?” I asked him smiling.

“I
think of touching you…all the time,” he whispered.

Then
we heard it, the rapping on the kitchen window. He sat up and looked, but I
just sighed and looked at the sky. It would be so different now.

Finding My Thunder 25

An
hour after we were lying with the puppies we had eaten dinner at Naomi’s table.
Sister Debra had brought over ham hocks and greens and cornbread and she sliced
tomatoes from her garden. Danny ate so much he said he could barely breathe. Debra
asked if she could play one of Mama’s records and I said sure. I’d stacked them
all in the living room by the record player so we could all enjoy them now.

Pretty
soon Nina Simone was singing. Oh my God in heaven, Naomi and me flew from the
table. I went back for Danny. “Come on,” I said, pulling on him. He was slow to
get up so I ran after Debra and Naomi.

They
were moving to the music. Naomi just a little, but I joined them quickly and
our eyes closed we swayed. They had taught me to do this since I was little. Just
sway, eyes closed. I peeked at Danny. He stood in the doorway. “Come on,” I
said, but he shook his head, so I closed my eyes and lifted my arms and turned
in a slow circle.

Well
philosophically, Naomi had her differences with Nina. Nina did not hold so much
with Dr. King’s non-violent platform for Civil Rights. She was, in Naomi’s
opinion, a militant. But when it came to her music, philosophies went out the
door.

We
laughed and clapped and spoke the words along…yes Lord,
Mmm
-hmmm.
 
We sang the words and Danny
siddled
past us and half fell onto the couch. He was
sprawled there looking interested.

He
was happy to watch, comfortable with it. I was up and down as they sang and
clapped, sometimes sitting by him holding his hands, then back up dancing with
them. They could go on forever and they did, we did, song after song. Naomi’s
moves were small but when there was soul there was power. Nothing made me feel
the history of women like Nina’s songs. Nothing. Like a richness to be worn
with a shining understanding.

I
pulled Danny up when one particular song came on. A song about a black-haired lover.
Danny was saying, “What?” but he let me pull him close by then, and I put my
arms around his shoulders and he humored me and swayed a little.

Naomi
and Debra left the room and I moved closer to Danny. I had my hands on the back
of his head now, in his hair and I was smiling and tears filling and streaming,
and looking at him, I knew my face was unguarded and he looked at me,
reflecting what I know I felt.

There
was hardly any beat to move to, but Nina’s voice rippling up and down. Singing
in her quavering voice. Our bodies were together as she played so sparsely so
richly.

I
stepped onto Danny’s boots with my bare toes and reached his warm lips for a
kiss. Then I laid my head on his shoulder and his hands, the strongest hands,
were open against my back. And her words, her voice…I could not feel more as
she sang about love.

It
was over soon, and I knew Naomi had left the room because for her the song was Eugene.
For Debra it was her husband in Vietnam.

But
for me…it was this beating heart, this beautiful face and strong brown body
against me, it was these eyes I fell into every time I looked, it was this
heart beating, this black hair where I’d buried my fingers.

My
true love.

Finding My Thunder 26

Sooner’s
barking awakened me. I knew it probably also awakened Naomi, and perhaps the
rest of the neighborhood. I was up quick and to the door. There stood Danny in
his clean work clothes, Sooner dancing around him like she’d never seen him
before.

He
held two twenty dollar bills in his hand. I had on my pink nightgown, short and
shear, but I didn’t care around him, and he seemed happy about it, his eyes
sweeping down then back to mine like they’d been turned to high heat. He kind
of gulped.

“This
is for Sooner. I don’t know if Lonnie expects me to work so I don’t think I can
take you to the vet and all. So you’re going to have to find a way…unless I am
fired, then I’ll be back. I won’t be able to call if I still have a job cause
of Lonnie, but if he goes out I’ll call then if I can’t….”

I
jumped a little and kissed him and he bowed over me as I lowered keeping it
going, then I stepped up on his boots with my bare feet and it straightened him
a little and the kiss went on and I couldn’t get enough. There was nothing more
to say time that kiss ended and we just stood there against each other on the
porch, his arms around me, joined at the curve of my lower back, his mouth
against my neck and his breath in my ear so warm, him tall and strong and love
in his arms.

I
finally noticed that Sooner had quieted. It was such a peaceful, beautiful
moment.

“I
don’t know if she’s gonna work out here, Hilly. I know you can’t bear to hear
it, honey, but she don’t like Naomi,” he said.

“I
know,” I said quiet.

“What
are we gonna do with her?”

“She’s…,”
I felt tears welling.

“Maybe
we can take her to the commune,” he said quickly.

I
pulled back. “You think?”

“I’ll
ask Robert. They live in the country. Maybe they’d take her and the pups. Time
they can get weaned we can maybe find them homes…or you can. They’ll have a
chance at least, even if we took them to the shelter. People might adopt a
young dog.

I
nodded. I didn’t miss the fact he didn’t think he’d be here by the time they
were weaned. “And maybe once her pups are gone I can bring her back here,” I
said spinning a hopeful happy ending like Walt Disney or something.

He
smiled. “Maybe,” he said, much the same tone he used on Annie.

“Another
reason to love you,” I said trying not to let the sadness the idea of him being
gone always brought.

We
parted slow. He looked back a few times as he walked to the car, shook his head
smiling. I was hanging on the porch post watching him, his black hair long and spilling
onto his forehead, his white t-shirt visible in the neck of his denim work
shirt, his jeans fitting him straight and manly and his brown leather belt and
the buckle, his boots brown too. He made me want to cheer, he just did.

Sooner
ran back and forth from the puppies to the front gate to watch Danny as he got
in his car. He looked at me a few more times and made kiss lips at me before
pulling into the alley and I nearly died as he pulled away.

Sooner
wasn’t barking, but she was frantic and I was kind of stuck there looking after
Danny, feeling those kisses—the one he’d gave me, the one he’d sent me. My
heart ached.

Noise
at the door behind me snapped me to. Naomi was awake, hair in rollers, scarf
tied over, quilted house coat buttoned to the neck,
scuffies
on, her holding the screen wide for me. Sooner started to bark, but over this
she said clear, “We got to talk baby girl.”

I
followed her inside, Danny’s money clutched in my hand.

“Danny
gave me the money for Sooner. I’m going to walk her to the vets, then take her
over to the police station and get a license.”

“Sit
down Hilly,” she said and I didn’t like it, the serious tone. I didn’t know if
he still had a job, I didn’t know if Lonnie would be hideous to him.

“That
young man…has a fine character,” she was putting coffee together in the
electric percolator.

“Yes,”
I said.

“A
young man gives you money…it is a cord that binds you.”

“What?
It’s for the dog.”

“I
don’t doubt he is sincere.”

“We
have to get a license and that means shots. It’s required for a dog that lives
in town.”

“That
dog is drawing too much attention…causing disturbance. It’s not fair to the
neighbors. Word gets out you moved here…I own this land. It stirs trouble. We
got to live low to the ground. I always have. That dog…honey it can’t stay
here. I got people come here…sometimes children. Sister Debra can’t pull up
here and get attacked. I can’t get attacked.”

“I
think if she could just have a few days she would calm down. She needs a chance
at least.”

She
pulled out a chair and sat across from me while the coffee got ready. “What
about today? What about someone comes and we’re not here? How am I gonna get to
my car if you’re not here? And the noise. Honey you have got to face what is.”

I
breathed out and put my face in my hands. Then I looked at her. “Danny says we
could maybe take her to the country. He’s finding out.”

“That
might work, then.” She got up and poured coffee then came back to the table. “I
sure don’t want to be the one to take one more thing from you.”

I
couldn’t look at her. Such a wave of self-pity hit I thought I might break. “No
girl I know has a crazy life like mine. My own mother…and Lonnie Grunier? What
did he ever do for me? To me…there’s a list…but for me? Moving me out? Her not
leaving me anything but some rags and some songs…humiliated in front of
everyone…Danny even…my stuff on the porch…them touching my things…my underwear
even? I can’t even have a dog? You talk to me about God…and I been praying like
you always say…asking God…. But if He’s in the mood…He’ll take Danny, too. He’ll
let me know this…love…and yes I love him before you ask, and I know you will…I
love him, but if God takes him…I….” I was so frustrated these words were never
going to be enough.

She
reached over and captured one of my hands, but I didn’t want her touching me.

“I
see you love him. I’d like to make it something different for you…but I can’t. I
don’t have power over the universe. But…you can’t try to hold him here with
your body.”

“I’m
not,” I whispered. Was I?

“I
was
wonderin
’ when things would catch up to you. It’s
been a rough patch,” she said smiling at me with all this sympathy.

She
said, “In Snyder Town… I have to go around
tellin
’
folks…expect something good. God loves you and he wants you to have something
good. They think it’s supposed to be hard. They don’t expect
nothin
’ else.

“But
here in Ludicrous with the white folks…in Corning at the hospital…I got to
say…expect something bad once in a while. It will happen. Sometimes a lot of
bad at once. It don’t mean God’s gone away.

“And
you’re in one of those seasons where it has just kept
comin
’.
But seasons change.”

“I
just want it to stop,” I said.

“This
is life. We don’t ask God to stop life…do we?”

“I
want Danny to be safe. Stop life if that’s what it takes, stop the world. I
want Danny to make it.”

“Life
keeps changing. Because it is alive. Dead things…they don’t change, Hilly.”

“Are
we talking about Eugene…you losing Eugene?” I asked. “I always feel like we
are…maybe I imagine it…I don’t know….” I knew it was rude, I was over a line,
but so was she. I thought so anyway.

She
was quiet for a minute, rubbing her hand on the table. “If Eugene had come to
me…with a tag like something from a store…a tag saying I only got him for
twenty years…no longer. And I took one look, and even with that tag, that
twenty year…shelf-life in this world…you know what I would say…all over
again…full knowledge now that he wasn’t ever gonna see a full life…you know
what I would say?”

I
shrugged because I did know what she’d say but far be it from me to ruin her
punchline
.

“I
would say…where do I sign up to know this boy…to have him in my life?” She had
smacked the table, spilling her coffee but her eyes were on me, big and bright.

“So…it
was worth all the pain. I don’t think Mama would agree.” I said it intensely
and none too nice, but we were talking real and she was staring hard at me.

“Why
you say that?” she said sitting back slow.

“It’s
what broke her. I know it.”

“How
do you know this? What did she tell you?”

“Tell
me? Nothing. Like you. Nothing. But…she loved him. I’ve known…a long time. I
just…wasn’t listening until…before she died.”

“I
don’t know about that. What broke her,” Naomi said careful.

“You
told her in the hospital she’d given up on herself. You said Eugene had done
that too.”

She
looked down. “They were friends,” she said. “But it didn’t do anyone any good
to talk about it.” Then she did look at me, bottom lip jutting, a small tremble
there, just once, “We are in the south. Things are easily misconstrued. That’s
all. Another time…another place they might have had some things in common,
close to the same age…and he loved to grow things. But here…then…and now…clear
lines.”

“She
said things…you heard her. He was inside of her growing…was it Eugene?”

“That
was the cancer talking,” she said.

“She
said it at the house.”

She
stared out the window for a minute shaking her head and not looking at me. “When
he died…well she’d known him. She knew it was a shame. She was very sad. But I
was so sad…I lost track of others for a time. Yes I did. I…did not comfort
her…as I should have. But…she had you.”

Oh,
she had me. No comfort at all. But there were good days. Days she tried, long
spells even. “I’m sorry about Eugene, too. I didn’t mean to bring it up…well, I
want more than a short shelf-life for Danny.”

“You
think I didn’t…with Eugene?”

I
did not answer. I stared at her and felt weary.

“Love…there’s
never enough. It’s never long enough. You can’t grab on enough. It leaves you
wanting…. In its absence you hurt and suffer and you start to think while you
rage…while you weep…and you realize something…if you’re lucky…if you win
something…something in the end…you have to give love regardless of what you get
back…regardless of what it costs you. And it always costs. But to not give
it…to quit…well there they are…Eugene.
Renata
.”

She
was off somewhere, in herself.
 

“I’m
not my mother,” I said. “I do love. I love you. And I love Danny.”

She
smiled at me, tired and sad. “As far as that young man goes you have to use
your head…not just your heart. You have to put that love in the real world,”
she said.

I
didn’t want to be trapped now under her preaching lips, voice, eyes that no
mortal could hold for long.

But
in truth, I had used Mama and Naomi…I had bounced between them…used one to
relieve myself of the other…each sympathetic to me for what I must put up with
from the other…my two worlds. But having two worlds kept me from struggling
through to really know and let myself be known. I’d had the sick luxury of
hiding in these two places, running away before I had to do the dirty work of
compromise.

“I
love Danny,” I said again like that was the most intelligent thing I’d ever
done and it was enough. But then I remembered Tahlila. Her spit and her slap. That
was real enough. And Sukey. In the clubhouse. That, too, had been real. His
looming return. Naomi had no idea of the reality this love was rooted in.

“Already
you’ve spent the night with him,” she said between sips of her coffee.

Lonnie
had blurted that. I’d wondered if it would come up. “Yes.”

“You’ve
had sexual relations?”

My
fingers were tapping against the table. “No.” My chin went up. “We’ve kissed. But…not
what you’re asking.”

“You
are familiar with him. That
nightie
. You are
comfortable with him.”

“I
didn’t think about it. The dog was barking.”

“You
gave him something to think about. And he will. You have to be careful. Do not
soon awaken love. He is going to war. There is no covenant…no promise for the
future.”

“Should
I ask him to marry me before he goes? Would that make you happy?”

“Are
you ready to marry?” She sounded angry, too.

“I
get it. You’ve got my dog and her puppies. You’ve got me…and you don’t want my
puppies.”

She
had to laugh a little, but I was still mad. And so was she.

I
remembered Danny saying we were too young, when Annie asked if we were getting
married. I had agreed, but in my heart I knew I would marry him. And that
scared me—marriage. Mama and Lonnie. Marriage terrorized me so I was somewhat
quelled from her infuriating question.

I
started to play with the salt and pepper shakers that looked like small
refrigerators. I’d always loved these things. “Just don’t get into preacher
mode,” I said.

She
looked a little hurt. She was aware she did this, and joked about it sometimes.
I knew she tried not to, but she was going right in this morning.

“I
am a preacher,” she said. “This free love idea floating all over the place
isn’t new. If love was governed by intelligence as well as emotion we wouldn’t
have so many babies without parents to guide them.”

“I
know you’re the love expert,” I said hoping to snap her out of it.

“No,”
she eased back in the chair and smiled sadly. “No.” She pointed up.

We
sat in silence for a minute. “Hilly, give yourself a chance to finish school
and develop some skills to be able to take care of yourself in this world. Use
the gifts God gave you…not just your body…use your mind and be powerful. Love
with strength and intelligence. Be able to do something for others. Love from a
place of wisdom.”