Finding My Thunder (15 page)

“I
can get a job,” I repeated to Mr.
Durr
. “I don’t need
him. But he don’t sign that paper…I’ll be on him
everyday
.
From my room.”

He
stared at me, such hate, contempt. It was out.

I
slowly started to realize Naomi held me by the shoulders. All at once she
released me and slumped to her chair, her face in her hands. I ceased to care
about Lonnie. Mr.
Durr
and me were around her. She
asked for a glass of water and his secretary entered quickly with a cone shaped
paper cup and handed this to Naomi and she drank.

Lonnie
was almost quiet…almost…his mind calculating his good fortune if my grandmother
would keel over and go to the shanty town in the sky that lurked behind the
streets of gold reserved for the white folks.

He
bent over quick and sudden and scrawled his name beneath
Durr’s
writing.

When
he straightened he started again and I said, “You got what you wanted, now
leave.”

“Just
a minute.
Renata
left Hillary her clothes and her
records,”
Durr
said.

“They
will be on the porch with the rest of her shit. I want it off there by tonight
or it goes in the garbage.”

Lonnie
was ushered out, cajoled out by Don. He was already exonerating himself,
building his case for
Loreena
and the children
tonight, for his cronies at the shop, for anyone who would listen. He was poor
picked on Lonnie Grunier.

But
me…what was I?

Finding My Thunder 24

Naomi
wanted to drive me home, but I wanted to walk. I was wishing I hadn’t made that
deal with God about not drinking. Now after the day’s events, I expected to be
as low as I could go…but I wasn’t. I didn’t know what I was feeling I just knew
I needed to get away from Naomi so I could figure it out.

She
had been talking pretty much non-stop once she got that water and Mr.
Durr
had a fan brought in. We talked for over an hour
there.

Mama
had no life insurance, well it hadn’t been kept up. Mr.
Durr
didn’t seem to understand how we lived on nothing. We’d sold all Granma’s
jewelry. We sold her silver. One by one if any of the antiques had any worth,
they went. The Oriental rugs. Once a stained glass window right out of the
dining room wall. It had been boarded over since sixty-two. An old piano and a
clarinet. Urns, old tools, old fishing equipment, typewriter, suitcases,
paintings, lamps and lots of dishes and glassware, the mantle right off the
fireplace in the dining room, and the little green tiles around the opening and
all the hardware…and a year later the one in the living room.

Not
all at once…just a slow leak. We took in six dollars a month from Naomi. Sometimes
Lonnie threw us some cash, we’d get caught up some, pay taxes, pay electric. One
time Mama considered selling her hair. I’d grown up hearing Mama on the phone
with bill collectors. Sometimes we unplugged it just so it would stop ringing
but sometimes it got shut off and we’d live in peace for a while.

Sometimes
bill collectors came to the house. If I was out playing and I saw one making
the rounds, I’d run home and tell Mama and we’d hide until he was gone.

Most
time we couldn’t go in certain shops on the square until Mama paid some money.

She
sold Avon for a while. She raised silkworms. She got lectures regular from
folks about paying the bills, or what Lonnie needed to do. She sold Stanley
home products. She sold Tupperware. She sold magazines, bibles, encyclopedias. She
took in ironing. And once she sold pies to Mac.

She
didn’t do any of it very well for very long. She got bored easy, she said. And
every time she went belly-up if Lonnie Grunier knew about it he held it up like
a victory banner. She couldn’t do shit, he said.

We
ate more from Naomi’s kitchen than our own, and the things I had came from
cleaning the Temple or babysitting for one of the sisters, but that wasn’t so
much, and I didn’t mind the cleaning, but I hated babysitting.

In
Durr’s
office, Naomi was full of questions about
Mama’s state of mind when she made her will. Mama had been firm, he said. Didn’t
want advice or guidance. Told him if he couldn’t handle her business she’d find
someone who could.

She
called it pretty right, Mama did. And like Mr.
Durr
said, how would I take care of such a place with no income? She hadn’t held a
regular job besides that time at the
dimestore
so
forget Social Security even.

He
sympathized but he did not agree with me letting Lonnie off. As a minor child
we could take Lonnie to court. I didn’t need to live in fear of Lonnie, he
said, and I thought, wasn’t he in the room? Didn’t he witness how it was with Lonnie?
I had to protect Naomi. Period. And Lonnie Grunier give me money? I had my
whole life flashing like a neon sign to tell me how that would come out.

I
asked him, “What about your bill?” Cause it always came down to that.

“I’ll
send it to Lonnie,” he said.

Either
way, he wasn’t getting paid any time soon.

After,
when we were standing on the sidewalk, Naomi wanted to go over the whole sad
story with me. I asked her to please just go home and rest and she said she
would, but she was worried about me, and I said if I could walk it would help
me, it always did, and she said not to be late and I said, I’m pretty used to
looking after myself, and she said if we were going to be living together we’d
have to get used to letting each other know more. I said I’d work on it.

So
I was walking and thinking and just being. I wanted to go back to the library
and look at the picture of that painting again. I wished I could keep it with
me to look at all the time, but that book couldn’t be checked out.

So
I brought it up in my mind. The way he held her, the Dutch man, the way she
leaned against him. Danny. I loved him. He’s the only thing that I couldn’t
bear to have taken away. That’s what was knocking in me. The most valuable
thing…Lonnie couldn’t take. Danny.

Even
when Danny left it wouldn’t change, this big, wide, high and deep love in me.

Danny
pulled up pretty soon. I knew he would, I knew he’d come looking and he’d find
me. We were that close. Supernatural.

“Hilly…um,
honey, get in,” he said pulling beside me, pointed in the wrong direction
again, like he had to break the rules just to talk to me. I saw it right off,
the pity in his face, heard it in his voice. Not him, too, bringing me bad
news.

“What
is it?” I said, afraid.

“Get
in, baby.”

I
went around the front and got in. Gene Pitney was singing “A Town Without Pity,”
on the radio.

“Pretty,”
Danny said running his dirty fingers over the ruffle on my dress. I grabbed
onto him and his arms were around me. The oil smell cause he was coming from
the shop, but I didn’t care.

“I
love you,” I said.

He
squeezed me tighter and just held me, the engine rumbling the seat, Danny’s
salty neck under my lips. I felt such love for him I thought I’d fall apart. “You
know about it?” I finally asked.

“Some,”
he said. He pulled back now. His lips were stacked, kind of pouty for me, maybe
for himself.

“I
have to move in with Naomi,” I said. “Now we can’t be together…in my room. I
don’t have it…I don’t have a home no more. Not my old one.”

“I
know it,” he said. “But that’s what you care about? Me and you getting
together?”

“Yes,”
I answered, pretty amazed. Being with Danny was the main thing.

He
shook his head. “You’re such a strange girl. You think that’s gonna stop us?”

His
lips were warm when I kissed them. I didn’t want to ever stop. But when I sat
back he was just opening his eyes. “Strange in a good way,” he smiled. We
kissed a little more.

“I
knew you’d come,” I said.

He
laughed now, but it didn’t last. I knew he had something bad to tell me and he
sat up straighter. “He’s thrown your stuff on the porch. He came in crowing
about it. He told me I couldn’t have my job unless I ended it with you. He
wasn’t going to let me work there when I was spying for you…or some shit.”

“He’s
just mad. Mama left Naomi her yard. Did he just throw my stuff around? My
records?”

Danny
pulled a u-
ie
with the car. “Yeah. I drove by. They’re
trying to clean it up…the new people.”

It
hurt. It made me so angry. “Guess they saw the real him,” I said lamely.

“That’s
not all, Hilly. He um…I guess Sooner got
goin
’…,” he
pulled the car over, pretty much where we’d been, only going in the right
direction this time, “and the new people called Bixby. They were trying to pile
up your stuff and she attacked them they said. I guess…with the pups…and Sooner
needs…a license and Bixby was gonna call the dogcatcher…well it’s his cousin
Fred. I talked to him, Bixby, and he said if we got her a license and that
means she’d need shots, well it would be about forty dollars. We’ve got to do
it by tomorrow or…he’s gonna have her put down and the pups too…them being so
young.”

“No,”
I whispered, feeling the door behind me where I plastered myself. He pulled me
into him and I kept saying no.

“I
talked to him, honey. Listen now, we have to get her out of there and she
wouldn’t let me do it. I thought if we could get her in Naomi’s yard…but she
won’t let anyone in there.”

“Oh…okay.
Let’s go. We have to get her. I mean…can you go…with me?”

“Yeah,”
he said. “I just took off when Lonnie got back to the shop
slammin
’
things around. He called out, ‘Where you think you’re
goin
’?’
and I flipped him off and left. I mean, he told me to choose. He was
standin
’ on the walk and he shouted, ‘Don’t come back.’”

We
looked at each other. “What will Paul say?”

“I
don’t care. Robert said earlier I can live at his place. The commune.” He
laughed then but…Lord.

He
was driving in the direction of Willard Street.

“Danny…where
am I gonna get money like that?”

“Don’t
worry about it. I’ve got some. We’ll get it together.”

I
leapt across the seat and grabbed onto him and I felt him grab the wheel hard
to stay in his lane. I was sorry right away, but not sorry I grabbed him, just
that I’d nearly made him wreck Sukey’s car.

When
we pulled to my former house, my things were neatly piled pretty much. Sooner
was so agitated that she came out from under the porch as soon as I touched the
gate. She was barking and snapping. I told Danny to stay out and I tried to
open the gate but she pounced on it and it slammed shut. For a minute I thought
she caught herself and recognized me, but just as soon she attacked the gate
again, barking vicious.

“Mom
wants to call the deputy back,” the boy said through the door.

“No,”
I said. “She’ll be fine. Just…go away from the door. She don’t know you,” I
said.

Then
to Danny I said, “Get back in the car, Danny. I think it’s both of us. She
doesn’t know what to do.”

“You
get in too. Let them call the deputy. You’re going to get bit.”

“She
won’t bite me,” I insisted, “but she doesn’t want you this close. I’m sorry. Please
get in the car.”

He
went to the trunk and opened it and took out the tire iron. “I’ll stand here,
but I swear if that dog goes for you I’m going in there.”

Sooner
still didn’t like it, but she started to calm some. She was panting hard and
her poor teats were nearly dragging the ground. I kept speaking soothingly. She
calmed a little more and went to the porch to look at her pups very worriedly. I
stepped through the gate then. She ran out and barked at me a little, then
seemed to realize it was me. She came closer with her head down and her tail
wagged just a little. I kept reassuring her.

“Hey
Danny, go on and drive around to Naomi’s. I’m going to put the puppies in my
skirt and walk them back there so she’ll follow.”

“No
you’re not,” he said. “She will take your head off.”

“She
won’t if you leave. She doesn’t like all the people. Go on. I’ll be okay.”

“Damn
it Hilly,” he said, but he got in the car at least.

I
went deeper in the yard toward the entrance to the porch. I kept talking to
her. She went in ahead of me to the pups. I went under a little and pushed on
her food bag pretending to be feeding her or something. She came next to me and
nosed around, sniffing out the food. I put my hand on her and started to pet
her and talk to her. She licked my hand, then my face. I stopped petting her,
but now she was following me to the pups. She stood by while I started to sort
through them and put them in the hammock I’d made out of my full skirt. I
talked to her the whole time. She whined a little, and nosed over the pups, and
took one and put it back and I laughed a little cause I had to take it and put
it in my lap again. Well they looked as different as they could. Like there
were a few different fathers for sure, or this dog had all the sizes, shapes
and colors God ever made for canines in her blood like she was the Eve of all
dogs.

I
was squatting, and I raised a little so I could walk awkward with all those
puppies in my pouch and me a kangaroo. I remembered wanting to keep this dress
clean this morning. I hoped it held now cause I had about twelve pounds or so
in its skirt.

I
waddled awkwardly from under there and stood with a groan. Danny was waiting. “Go
on,” I said, and he looked at me like I was the craziest girl he ever met, and
maybe I was, but it felt so good to rescue these pups. Once he pulled away I
just kept talking to my Sooner and she followed me along, sniffing and lifting
her front legs off the ground trying to figure out what I was fixing to do with
her brood.

I
stumbled along through the yard, my dress pulled tight against my legs in back,
but lifted high in front and I didn’t even know if my underwear were showing
cause it would just be my half-slip cause God forbid the sun should light a
woman’s skirt and her form be seen. I didn’t care at all either. This was
working.

Danny
waited at Naomi’s gate. He had it opened wide. I didn’t know what he was doing
with me. But I loved him so much, standing there. He looked at my legs and looked
away, “Hilly Grunier I swear to God,” he said, “there is never a dull moment
with you.”

“Huh?”
I said, but I heard him, and Sooner was walking along with me. She didn’t feel
so territorial here so she didn’t pay Danny much attention at all, and he put
his hands on that pouch of dogs, that was my dress, so basically his big hands
were up and under it and he was walking backwards and dragging me along and I
stumbled after and he said, “Where?”

And
I said, “There,” meaning around back, towards Mama’s as the back of this house
faced the back of Mama’s and it was most private from the alley. So we walked
back there, and he looked at me and we were close and I laughed and so did he. “Got
my hands under your dress,” he said. “You know you’re showing everything, and
that little pervert Lonnie moved in will probably be back here
lookin
’ in your windows now.”