Liam
After witnessing the tension that was pouring out of Layla directed at me
, I left. I decided I would crash with Ryan and Natalie for a few days. I knew she would want some time alone. Something she always needs after she ditches her bed friends. She always takes a day to herself, her mind closed to the entire world around her.
She puts her head in the clouds and allows the rain to swallow her up with emotion. After living with her for a bit of time
, I think I’ve come to know her decently well. I mean, we don’t know each other’s life secrets or dreams, but we know how each of us takes our coffee, or how we like our eggs cooked.
We know what makes the others fuses light and we know how to just be. She wouldn’t have been my ideal roommate if I had just met her. But after spending so much time with her while looking after Natalie
, I had no choice but to befriend her. And now she’s kind of stuck on me.
The attraction to her took me off guard and it’s definitely something new. It kind of took me by surprise how strongly I reacted to her, or that last night while we were in bed together
, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Her passion fed my own and then some. I have an addictive personality, which can be a blessing and a curse all at the same time.
Layla would say that my connection with Natalie was unhealthy and oddly placed. I don’t feel that way
, or see it like that at all. Addicts don’t only become addicted to drugs, although, I very much did. They can become addicted to every single thing.
I am one of those hardcore addicts.
Sex addict? Recovering, and I just hopped off that path. Drug addict? Not in the past six years. Adrenalin addict? I used to be. Exercising addict? Till this day. Caffeine addict? Can’t wake up until I have at least three cups of Joe.
The drug addiction is just a classification
. I was into everything under the damn sun. If it got me even the tiniest of highs, I was doing it. Anything to escape the life of living in an alley with Alex.
She introduced me to cocaine. That was the first drug I ever tried, and mind you I didn’t just sample it. I snorted eight lines of blow that night. No one advised me of what the high would be like
, or how awful the coming down would be, but I did it.
That first time, man, was fucking years ago. I had befriend
ed Alex about six months previous. I shared my cardboard bed with her every night. We slowly shared our past lives with each other. I learned about her parents and how cruel they were and she learned about how I ran away from parents who were ashamed of my dream.
I earned money from
passersby from singing on a sidewalk. It wasn’t a lively earning, but it bought us food. I had no idea where she went every day, but I knew that every night she would be back in my makeshift tent, waiting for me.
One night
, after I had used the money I made that day to buy us a premade sub we could share from a local convenience store, I made my way back to ‘our alley’. She was standing outside of the tent, leaning against the red brick wall with a smile on her face.
“Liam, I met a group of nice people today
. You wouldn’t believe how friendly they were. They invited us to a party, where there will be food, lots of it. And drinks. Can we go?”
She knew I was very weary of strangers
. Not everyone had the best interest for others. I should have said no. That night, and the many nights after that, involved those people, and partying of all kinds. But food, how could I turn down food? We had none most nights. And some days. I was lucky we had something meager to share. The only clothes we owned were the ones we had on our back and our showers were taken in public restroom sinks.
We went that night, the night I experienced my first high. The most euphoric high of my fucking life. Coke tastes like shit while dripping down the back of your nose into your throat, but when it hits you, you’re on top of the world. You’re the king of your life and you can do anything. You can reach heights you didn’t think existed. But when you come down, you feel like death. My first time
, I ended up getting the cocaine bug, where your muscles are spazzing because of the constant teeth grinding and it made me feel crazy. I was blowing blood out of my nose for days. But it didn’t stop me. We went back there every night.
We were fucking lucky to have friends who had the luxury of a private bathroom and an endless supply of food. After months of living in a cardboard box
, we got to room on a floor. The friends she had met were college kids only a few years older than us. Their parents had cash and rented them a house.
The agreement to stay there was that we would clean the house every day.
Their house was the party house, drugs, sex, everything went. Alex and I both got caught up in the moment and we stayed there for years. I stayed there for years. I’m still in that moment, locked there against my will.
The worst night of my life happened the last night that I stayed there. The night that has stayed with me for years
. Every single day that I’ve been alive, it’s with me. I’ve tried working through it, tried healing myself.
It was a crazy party as usual, every kind of drug was being dished around. Everyone searching for that
sensational high. Alex, nor I had ever used heroin before. One of the guys who lived in the house had offered it to us. He said it was the best high he had ever felt, better than coke. That sounded like a damn good high to me, and to Alex. He already had the syringes filled and offered to inject it into us.
He was right, it was the best high I had felt yet. Alex didn’t react the same as I had. She fell to the floor
unconscious and I freaked. She wouldn’t respond to anything I did. I don’t even remember who called 9-1-1. All I know is that I loved her, that she still has a place in my heart. She died that night and I haven’t been the same since.
Layla
Gage drives just like he talk
s. Eighty miles a minute, and I’m thanking God that we’re almost there, so that I don’t have to remain in a car with him, where he is the driver any longer. As soon as he pulls into Ryan’s driveway outside of the ridiculous mansion, I throw the door open and escape. Natalie comes running out into the driveway to greet me.
“Days feel like years when it comes to not seeing you,” she says
, as she grabs me in for a hug.
When she’s done hugging me
, she grabs my arm and leads me inside.
“I don’t think you’ve seen the nursery that Ryan and I finished for Temperance yet. It’s beautiful and you are so going to love
it too.” She tells me excitedly.
I hang my bag on the coatrack near the door and follow her through the great room up the stairs. The house is a maze and if I hadn’t been here so many times already
, I would likely get lost just finding my way to a bathroom. One of many that this house possess.
When you reach the top of the stairs
, a big foyer acts as a landing with a long wrap around corridor. There are another set of stairs at the end of the corridor that lead you into the kitchen, but when coming in the entrance of the house, the great room is much closer.
The first door on the right is Natalie’s and Ryan’s room and the one directly across is Temperance’s. I knew that they had decided that room
was to be her nursery before she was born, although, she wouldn’t be sleeping in there until she was around six months old. Natalie has a crib in her room at the moment.
She was nervous about having the princess sleep in a separate room, nervous about not waking up.
As we enter the room, my jaw drops. I can’t believe what they’ve done to the room.
It was an ivory
, white walled, hardwood floor, outdated room. One wall, the wall behind the crib is painted as a sunrise and in the clouds is Temperance’s name spelled out in bold script font. The rest of the walls are a vibrant hue or orange, blending perfectly with the sunrise. The hardwood floors are now a light green carpet matching the color of freshly grown grass. And the crib is a cherry wood with ornate railings. The theme she went for was bright and cheery, with a handmade flowery quilt.
“I’m speechless
, Nat. It’s beautiful. Wow! You guys must have worked hard, just wow.” I have no idea what to say. It’s absolutely beautiful.
“I know you wo
n’t believe it, but this was actually Ryan’s idea to go with a bright sunny day theme. I couldn’t help but agree. It just fits her, ya know? She’s the light of our lives.” Natalie says with tears in her eyes.
“I have to tell you Nat, I didn’t think I would ever see the day that you found your happiness. In just under a year
, you’ve grown emotionally. You’ve become the strong one. I’m not sure who to credit, Ryan or your beautiful baby. I’m glad it’s worked out like this,” I say to Natalie, while wrapping her up in a hug.
“I think what has changed me so much is that I have a complete family now, Ryan and Temperance
, and you. Ryan has been amazing and I love him very much. He’s given me the greatest gift in Temperance.” Natalie says, wiping an escaped tear away from her eye, “My hormones are still out of whack. I’ve been crying over everything.”
I pull my arms back to my sides and look into her face
. “You know that I’ll always be here. You’ve always been my family and the more kids you have, then the bigger family I’ll have. I’ll be the cool aunt, you know the one always giving them candy and buying them whatever they want.”
“
Let’s see how having one goes, shall we?” Natalie says smirking.
Sh
e had a pretty mellow pregnancy, besides the morning sickness. She did blow up like a balloon, although, I would have never said that out loud. What hormonal female wants to hear about how they put on baby weight?
“So I was thinking that maybe you would help me make something for dinner
, since we have a brood here tonight,” Natalie suggests.
“I guess I can help,” I say smiling. “I did want to ask you something
, though.” I say wiping the smile off my face.
“You know you can ask me anything.”
“Have you told Ryan of your past? I mean, I know you guys have been busy preparing for the baby and just working on your relationship, and that is a huge part, Nat. I just wondered if you’ve told him yet.”
“Actually, I did. After he proposed
, I had said yes instantly. But as our night in the hospital went on, getting accustomed to having a baby, learning to feed her and change her diapers, I realized I hadn’t told him yet. He deserved to know that part of me, you know?”
I nod my head
in agreement.
“Anyway, after Temperance fell asleep
, I pulled him onto the hospital bed with me and told him. I told him where we grew up and how we were raised together. I told him about that night and how it killed me inside. How I went to live across the street with you and your parents. And then how we came to be here.”
“The overdose?” I ask.
“Yes, I told him my reasoning’s behind that too, Lals. He loves me as much as I do him and the past few months is the best I can remember feeling since that night. I still go to counseling and it helps a lot to talk about my issues, but I feel great. I’m happy and I know you worry about me all the time. But you don’t have to anymore, Layla.”
What she says resonates inside of me. I
can’t keep lying to her. Depending on the wedding arrangements and how quick and efficient
The Sagamore
is, maybe we can take a U-turn with plans and visit my parents. So she can learn the truth. I can see the light of happiness in her eyes and it makes me satisfied that she can handle it. She has Ryan and if she still wants it in the end, me.
I
can’t allow her to go on oblivious to what really happened. It’s unfair of me and I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want to speak to me as soon as we got home. Sure, I would let her have time to work through it, but then best bet I would be knocking down her door until she forgave me.
“It is only in adventure that some people
succeed in knowing themselves -
in finding themselves.”
- Andre Gide
Liam
I drive around aimlessly
, reminiscing about my past, the past I have to no avail, tried to push behind me. One that still has a hold on my life that I can’t seem to shake off. I decide to head back home. Maybe now that Layla has had time to think about what I said, she will see that what I said was right for her and me.
That there shouldn’t be anything between us, even if the sex was mind blowing. I don’t know how I could go from feeling these emotions for Natalie and then all of a sudden be interested in Layla.
When I open the door to our place I see that all the lights are off, “Layla? Layla?” I yell, while walking through the living room.
Maybe she’s in her room. I swing her door wide open. Nope. I know she has tonight off and if she didn’t
, my first guess would be the bar. The bar that if her little ass walks into, I will be carrying her out of.
I head back into the kitchen
, while pulling my cellphone out of my pants pocket. The guys have nothing to do anyway, so I’m sure we could figure out some plans for the night. As I go to call Jason, I see that I have a missed text message from Ryan.
“Hey, Lals is here for the night. Nat and her are flying home tomorrow. Thought maybe you would like to join the guys and I for the day. Come stay the night.”
I’ve been going back and forth on this cutting Natalie off, on the best friend thing. The thing that’s interfering with that, or should I say person, is Ryan. He’s my brother and fellow bandmate. There is no way I could cut him out of my life.
I wonder if after what Layla and I did
, I will still have the same feelings toward Natalie. Will I react the same? Maybe this is the only way to find out. I haven’t been in the same room with Layla and Natalie since the sex fiasco. Hopefully this could help me figure out what it is I am feeling.
My head is a cluster fuck of confusion and back then
, I would have easily fixed this with a line of blow. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I no longer do any of that shit. Thanks to Ryan. He’s the one who got me clean, who got me a safe place to sleep. The one who clothed me and fed my ass, until we hit it big. I owe him my life.
“On my way.” I te
xt back to Ryan.
He replies instantly. “See you soon.”
I head into my room and grab a change of clothes and a pair of flannel pajamas. There’s no way I would risk going semi-nude in a pair of briefs in Ryan’s house, not only out of respect for him, but the guys know that I like to sleep semi-nude. They would definitely try to fuck with me. I toss my clothes into a backpack and grab my phone charger from the outlet on the wall near my bed.
The drive to
Ryan’s house goes by faster than normal. Perhaps it’s because there was less traffic than normal, or maybe it’s because of where my thoughts kept going the entire drive.
To Cordova. To my parents. To being homeless. To Alex and her death. To Ryan. To the band. To Natalie. To Layla. And it went through each
, like a pattern of horrible nightmare flashbacks.
Cordova, where my parents still live. No, they haven’t reached out to me since I left. But since I have been able to
, I’ve been keeping an eye out for them. I pay a private investigator to keep tabs. He lets me know if they need funds to pay any of their bills and I find ways for that money to pop up. He informs me of their health and of what they’re doing.
Have I ever visited? Yup. Once.
That was fun. I had intended on burying the hatchet with my father and mother. It didn’t go as I had planned, though. I found out from my guy that my dad was aboard the boat that day. My old man was still working to keep him and my mother afloat. I waited for hours on that fucking dock. I wanted to go to him first, put shit right.
Talk without my mom there, because if it didn’t end well
, she would have been upset and that’s something she didn’t need to see. I stood there waiting all day and when the boat he was on finally docked and he walked off, he walked right on by me. I thought at first that maybe he didn’t recognize me, short neon blue hair, tattoos, even piercings then.
So I followed him, staying a few paces away. He kept his face straight and never once looked back in my direction. When we were nearing the house that he still lived in, the one I grew up in
, I yelled ahead to him.
Turns out, he recognized me all right
, but didn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t believe how long ago it was. I yelled out a simple hey, to stop him in his tracks. He turned around a face full of fury and said his peace. Words that he couldn’t ever take back. Words that I wouldn’t let him take back.
“I don’t know why you even came back here
. Your mother, nor I want to see you. We disowned you the day you left. Remember, you didn’t want a part of this family, so why come back now? You might be on top now with that music, but one day you’ll fall. Playing a guitar is a joke. It’s not a real job and you should be ashamed of yourself. You’re not the son I raised.”
He walked away after that. I haven’t seen him since.
I sound the alarm on my car and head into Ryan’s house. I head straight into the great room, much like a living room, but without a television. It’s the conversation room, as Ryan calls it. He says that when he has guests, he wants to converse, not sit together in silence watching shows. Something I would much rather be doing right now.
As I enter the room I make my way over to the corner seat on the huge ass sectional
, the most comfortable spot in the room. Everyone else is in here, except for Layla and Natalie.
“
How’s the song writing going, Ryan?”
He’s our main song writer
. When he finishes a piece, he always gives it to me. Another eye that could find mistakes and or enhance the lyrics. I’ve written a few songs for the band, but none of them ended up as a best hit. The only reason our label allowed us time away from touring was because of Ryan’s amazing ability to convince.
They didn’t care either way about a baby
. They only care about money. Ryan convinced them that if they gave us time off, we would be able to produce at least four hits and an entire album. In turn, we received ten longs months of a not so vacation.
“I’ve managed to write one song and I’m not sure it would end up on the
Billboard 100
list.”
“
Maybe tomorrow we’ll go down to the studio and check it out. We only have six more months to make these songs. We need to get our asses in gear.”
“Have you discussed going on tour with Natalie? Is she willing to bring the baby on tour?”
“We’ve discussed it, but not in length. She’s worried about the baby being cooped up on a bus and I am too. So, I’m trying to get the label to schedule our tour so that we would only have two concert’s a week, so we can stay in a hotel for the most part. Only needing to be on the bus when we drive to our next location.” Ryan explains.
“Hell
, I think we would all like that, instead of being crammed on a bus days on end.” I agree.
“So where are the girls and that beautiful baby at?”
“Layla and Natalie are making dinner in the kitchen and Temperance is laying down for a nap. I’m sure she’ll be up in another hour. She sleeps more than anything. The doctors said that’s normal for the first few months. Scared me at first. When we were in the hospital, I had Nat page the nurse because I didn’t think it was normal. Turns out, I have a lot to learn,” Ryan says on a laugh.
“I never thought I would see the day. Ryan “Steele” Hurst brought down by a woman in sweats, domesticated and holding a baby monitor. It’s a good thing man, you needed love in your life.”
He gives me the biggest smile that reaches his eyes, “I needed her, man, and she needed me. She’s changed me. I don’t know how I could justifiably explain it. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, better than us getting signed. And she gave me the greatest gift in Temperance. She’s melted my heart. You should do yourself a favor and find that man, find love. The forever kind of love that will make you think of nothing else and no one else.”
“
Aww,” Sounds out in stereo by Gage, Zepp, and Jason, as Ryan’s face beams in pride.
He has no shame in his feelings, and if anything I can see it. Natalie and he are meant to be
. It’s selfish as fuck of me to believe I had those kind of feelings. It’s not the same as what they share, as Layla said this morning. It’s near impossible for two lost souls to find one another as Layla had mentioned earlier this morning, and for Ryan and Natalie it happened. What are the chances of it happening to more than one of us in the group?
Nil.
Natalie enters the great room, as Ryan’s face is still beaming, “Dinner will be done in a few minutes, and it is delicious. Layla outdid herself on this one.”
Ryan looks at me
, as Natalie is exiting the room, “I’m going to step outside for a smoke, want to join?”
“Sure.”
Ryan leads the way out onto his wrap-around deck. After shutting the door, I ask him, “I thought you kicked that habit?”
“I’ve cut down a lot
. Listen man, I’m not as strong as Nat. She quit cold turkey. I tried and failed. I’m down to about three a day, which is a good start.”
“I understand
. Remember, I kicked a lot of addictions.”
“I remember, all too clearly.” He says
, his eyes off in the distance, remembering.
“That was a long time ago. Look at us now.”
“Who would have thought that we would have ended up here? It still feels like a dream. That one of these days I’m going to wake up and we’re going to be five teenagers living in a two bedroom apartment, still playing gigs at a bar. Doesn’t feel real.” Ryan says, disbelieving.
“
It’s real my friend. Trust me, the past won’t let me forget. It’s been harder lately, keeping still on that ledge. I can’t stop thinking, even when I’m sleeping. The nightmares still come, and I…I just don’t know what to do, you know? What next?”
“You need to talk to someone
, Liam. A professional, who can help you rationalize all of your past. I don’t want to betray Natalie and her trust, but she has suitcases full of issues, and her talking to someone has helped her a lot. She went from not wanting to live, to cherishing every day she’s here. It will take a lot of time and talking, but I think it will help you.” He advises.
“I know
. Remember, I brought her there every week? She scared the shit out of me. I thought she would become
her
. That my past was repeating itself.”
“You thought she would become an Alex.” He says.
I cringe. He said her name out loud. He is the only other one, besides myself and the people that Alex and I lived with and obviously authorities, that know what happened. That even know who Alex was.
Ryan flicks his
cigarette into the ashtray, then grabs my shoulder. “I didn’t say her name to hurt you. I said it because you have to get used to hearing it. The only way to heal is to work through it, talk through it. Compartmentalize every single feeling you have when thinking of her, the regrets, and the pain of losing her. The shame in not being able to save her, all of it. You know that if you need to talk about any of it, I’m always here for you.”
“When did you become so knowledgeable?” I ask, letting him know that I appreciate what he said
, but it’s not the right time.
I’m not ready, yet.
Natalie wasn’t lying when she said that Layla had outdone herself on dinner. It was delicious, better than most five star restaurant’s I’ve eaten at. At dinner, I learned that while the girls were in New York, tomorrow us guys would be getting fitted for tuxedos.
Ryan had some designer coming out to the house for measurements
, so I guess it was a good thing that I had come to spend the night, seeing as how the guy would be here bright and early.
Temperance woke up just as dinner was being served. We spent the better part of the night passing the beautiful princess around. I kept my distance from Layla and she did the same with me.
I had to keep telling myself it was better that way, even after realizing that I had mistaken my feelings for Natalie. I had put so much of myself into what I thought I was feeling, when in reality it wasn’t what it was.
Another reason why it was good for me to be here tonight. Seeing Ryan and Nat around each other, after the engagement
, finalizes my feelings. Seeing how they look at each other and how their learning to be parents with each other.
I would have been an ass to have voiced what I thought I was feeling. I would have ruined not one
, but two friendships. Possibly our band and maybe even their relationship. It wouldn’t have been fair to them.
And Layla. She’s under my skin, too far for my comfort or liking. I was so caught up in Natalie
, even with Ryan claiming her and then finding out she was pregnant, that I overlooked Layla. And even now that I’m seeing her clearly, it’s still way too much for me to delve into a relationship, and who’s saying she doesn’t have an endless supply of skeletons in her closet still hidden?