Fear of Falling (35 page)

They say God laughs when you make plans.

I had planned to survive. I was resigned to not having any emotional attachments other than Angel and Dom. I could float from job to job, refusing to lay down any roots in order to stay detached. I’d even move every few years, hoping to just coast under the radar. Life would be…easy, filled with inconsequential interactions just to squelch the need for intimacy. Shallow. Insignificant. And lonely.

God was flippin’ hysterical right now.

I knew Blaine was different. I wasn’t naive to the fact that I had feelings for him. Feelings that I never thought someone like me could ever harbor. I just didn’t know how deep those feelings could run. And holy shit…they ran deep. So deep that the impulse to stay and make Blaine the center of my universe was just as strong as the one to run like hell and escape the unknown.

Even as I made my way through the doors at Dive after waking up in his arms just hours before, sentiments of both bliss and dread overwhelmed me. I counted to 10, but the queasy feeling in my gut didn’t subside. My hands were clammy, and tiny beads of sweat broke out on the back of my neck. Still, something kept my feet moving farther into the building. Towards him. Running away wasn’t even an option.

The moment his deep brown eyes bore into mine, I knew exactly what that impulse was. It was all him. All Blaine. My affections for that scary-beautiful man had won out over reason and rendered me absolutely dumbfounded. I knew I was a fool, but dammit, I was a deliriously happy one.

“You’re not gonna make this easy, are you?” I asked, after I eased behind the bar.

Blaine narrowed his eyes, one side of his mouth curling into a knowing smirk. “Make what easy?”

I looked around to make sure no one was in earshot. “Playing it cool. Trying to act like nothing happened.”

“And why would I want you to do that?”

I frowned. “You don’t really want everyone knowing that we… slept together, do you?”

“Why not?” he shrugged. “I mean, no, they don’t need details. But Kami, what happened between us was more than just sex. You get that, right?”

“Um…yeah?”

“Not convinced that you do.”

Without saying another word, Blaine hopped on top of the bar and towered over the Dive Hump Day Happy Hour crowd. Everyone looked up at him like he had three heads.

“Attention everyone! You see this beautiful woman behind the bar? Well… I am pretty much crazy about her. Like fucking insane. And whether she wants it or not, Kami’s got me.
All of me
. And, all bullshit aside, I just want her too.”

Half the bar erupted into cheers, most of the patrons raising their glasses to Blaine and me in an air-toast while the other half ignored us completely. When Blaine hopped down from his makeshift soapbox, I was already seven shades of red and completely mortified.

“
Oh my God!
Why did you do that?” I screeched, covering my face.

Blaine gently tugged my hands and wrapped them around his waist before grasping my flush cheeks in his large tattooed hands. “Because, Kami, when you know, you know. And you don’t fight it. You don’t deny the inevitable. You free fall because you know there’s someone there to catch you on the other side.”

His face inched closer to mine, close enough for the scent of mint and spice to intoxicate me as his earnest words entranced me. “You don’t have to be afraid of falling. Just close your eyes, let go, and know that I’ll always be here with arms outstretched, ready to catch you.”

“So Blaine, what’s going on with you and my girl?” Angel asked, before taking a bite out of her French fry.

It was Thursday, over a week since Blaine and I had officially crossed the line from friends to lovers, leading to a mortifying declaration to the entire bar. Open Mic Nights were quickly becoming just as popular as nights when AngelDust ruled the stage, especially since my performance two weeks prior. Luckily, I had successfully reiterated to Angel that it was a one-time deal. She promised not to spring anymore surprises on me though I did have to throw her a teeny tiny bone and confess my real feelings for Blaine. To most, it was obvious. But me actually saying the words out loud to another living soul? Major.

Blaine swung his gaze to me and smiled. “You’ll have to ask Kam.”

“Ugh. Don’t you think I tried? I even bribed her with promises of shoes and handbags. Nothing. I swear, that girl is a steel vault,” Angel griped, rolling her eyes.

“Get over it,” Dom chimed in, swiping a chicken tender from her plate. “Not everyone is as shameless as you. Or slutty.”

“Slutty? Oh you’re one to talk! I’m sorry…I believe I ran into one of your “dates” this morning after you left for work. What was her name again? You know…the one with the butterfly tattoo?”

“How the hell should I know?” Dom munched away before whipping his head back to Angel with wide eyes. “Wait! How would you know about her tattoo? A tattoo that’s on her
ass?!”

I watched as the pieces fell into place for Dom, while Angel gave him a devious grin.

“Dammit, Angel! Not again!” he scoffed.

Angel shrugged and resumed nibbling her fry. “Not my fault you left her unsatisfied, and she found her way to my room. Don’t be so sensitive, Dom. It’s not like you cared.”

Dominic shook his head before turning to pin me with an accusatory glare. “And you knew about this?”

“Why are you asking her?” Angel interjected before I could even open my mouth to answer. “She spent the night at Blaine’s.
Again.”

My mouth dropped. I didn’t know what to be more mortified about: Angel announcing my newly revived sex life to the entire bar, CJ snickering beside her as he looked me up and down, or Blaine’s cocky grin. I decided a little friendly retaliation was in order.

“Thank God for that,” I shot back. “I sure as hell don’t want to witness you running to Dom’s room to borrow lube while wearing a strap-on.
Again
.”

Dom’s face was as red as Angel’s cherry red lipstick. “Ang, keep that shit in your room! I don’t want plastic dicks flying around where I sleep! And get your own damn lube!”

I shook my head at my shameless roommates, leaving them to bicker, before looking back at Blaine.

I returned his smile. “Still wanna be weird?” I asked, nodding towards the raucous scene before us.

He rolled the metal barbell inside his mouth, causing the delicious ache that still lingered between my legs to grow into a throb. “If it means I get to be with you? Yes. Weird as hell.”

Within the next hour, the crowd inside Dive had doubled, and we were swamped. I was glad for the distraction. With Blaine near, all I could think about was being pressed against him, feeling his hips settle between my legs, his tongue tracing a path down the length of my throat down to my hardened nipples…

“Kam?”

I looked up at Blaine, who was wearing a knowing smile. “This morning
was
incredible,” he whispered, causing my face to flame as hot as the fire in my belly.

“There you go again, giving me that look.”

Noticing my blush, Blaine stroked the apple of my cheek with the back of his hand. “The one that makes you nervous?”

I looked away, embarrassed by my wayward thoughts. “No. The one that makes me want to take you in the back and let you…”

“How you doin’ this evening, Dive?” Angel’s voice bellowed through the speakers, drawing my attention. Blaine’s eyes stayed focused on me, waiting for me to finish voicing my fantasy.

“This next performer is a repeat, and a damn good, musician. And ladies… he’s pretty fuckin’ hot, right?”

Shrill catcalls and estrogen-fueled hoots answered Angel as a familiar face climbed onto the stage. I couldn’t say I knew him, but something about him piqued my interest enough to keep my eyes trained on the guitar-toting blonde.

Then the memory hit me like a 2-ton boulder, stealing my breath and causing the prickle of new tears to sting my eyes. It was the same guy who had performed weeks ago, singing the song that had me running to the back before I burst into uncontrollable sobs. The song that had summoned the painful reminder of the man who had wounded me to my core. And when my tears had breached the dam, Blaine was right there, pulling me into his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me as I emptied 23 years worth of heartbreak and anger into his t-shirt.

My eyes met Blaine’s, hoping he would understand and let me slip out before emotion drowned me. I couldn’t revisit that dark headspace. I couldn’t keep letting him see me broken and defeated.

“Just wait, baby,” he said, his warm eyes devoid of alarm, despite my expression. “It’s not what you think. You’ll be ok.”

He turned me back to face the stage, just as the guy situated himself behind the mic.

“Good evening,” he said, his voice smooth and rich. “My name is Taylor Hart, and I have a special song, dedicated to a very special lady, from someone who is…” He smiled as he paused, scanning the crowd, “…fucking crazy about her.”

He spotted Blaine and I stationed at the bar and nodded, a mischievous grin on his face. “This is “Your Guardian Angel,” originally by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Hope you enjoy.”

My eyes instantly flicked up to Blaine whose appreciative gaze was enough to make my stomach start breakdancing to the beatbox of my thrumming heart. He stepped into me and pulled my hips into his unabashedly, a crooked smile gracing his lips. “I can’t sing worth a damn and like the saying goes, turn about is fair play.”

Blaine’s inked fingers stroked the length of my jaw, and I reflexively nuzzled into the touch. “I don’t want you holding onto the memory of what happened last time. I know it’ll hurt you every time you hear him sing. So, let me help you create a new memory, ok?”

As if on cue, Taylor began his song, capturing my attention with the haunting sounds of his guitar. His voice was as sweet and melodic as I remembered, but even more so now that they were laced with the tender words that Blaine had deliberately wanted me to hear. The words that had my eyes misting with happy tears, something I had never understood until that very moment.

Blaine moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, giving me full view of the stage as Taylor belted out words steeped in promise, hope, and security.

And love.

There was pure, concentrated love in the lyrics that fell from Taylor’s lips. And though Blaine may not have been singing them, I heard them echoing loud and clear from his soul.

“I will never let you fall…”

The words could not have meant more than if Blaine had sung them himself. He didn’t need to. I felt it. I felt him. Every last bit of the scary-beautiful man that was Blaine Jacobs. The emotion behind every note and chord awoke things inside me that I never knew existed. Beauty bloomed inside my sheltered heart with each harmonious seed the music planted.

Just as Taylor was finishing the second chorus, the girls of A.D. joined in with their own instruments, rocking him into the dramatic climax. The crowd cheered, pumping their fists in the air while Blaine slowly swayed me side to side, his face buried in my neck. Tears ran down my cheeks without shame, yet I was too captivated to bother wiping them away. I wore them like a badge of honor, wanting to hang onto the feeling of bliss for as long as possible.

“That was… Wow,” I whispered, after the crowd had erupted into a standing ovation. I turned to Blaine with watery eyes and smiled. “Thank you. So much. Thank you.”

Blaine wiped my wet cheeks, his warm brown eyes heating me from the inside out. “I’m glad you liked it. And I hope you realize that I mean it… I mean it, Kami. Don’t be afraid of me. I could never hurt you.”

I believed him. Within my fractured, tattered soul, I knew it was ok to fall for Blaine. He would catch me; he always had. So I looked into those deep, chocolate eyes and surrendered the fear I carried around with me like a coat of armor, protecting the secrets that had been festering inside. I was afraid to love Blaine—dreadfully so. But I knew, undoubtedly, that he was the only one worth the risk.