Family Dynamics (Pam of Babylon Book Five) (29 page)

While her daughter was planning to lose her virginity to a relative stranger, Pam Smith, while enjoying the last minutes of a long and stressful weekend with Dan, was trying to determine what the rest of her life would be. He would return to his own house for the night because he had to work the next day. Pam was sorry he was leaving but agreed that it would be better for both of them to start the week out after a good night’s sleep. They sat on the veranda in the waning light, holding hands and looking out over the water. Dan looked at her and squeezed her hand.

“I’d like to live here with you,” he said. There was no point in mincing words. He wasn’t worried about rushing her, but the sooner he made his intentions known, the sooner they could either move on with their relationship or end it. Pam tried to imagine what it would be like to have him there all the time. Even when she was married, Jack wasn’t there during the week. If she allowed Dan to move in, it would be for a lifetime. She had to make that clear. Gently.

“If we do this, it has to be for life. I’m too old to make a so intense a change without a commitment,” she explained and then giggled. “I mean, what are your intentions?” Dan reached over to hug her.

“I want to be with you for the rest of my life,” he said. “If you want, we can get married.” Was marriage even necessary? She’d been married to Jack, and that didn’t guarantee a thing. Marriage would be a mistake.

“No, I don’t think we need to get married,” she answered. “But it’s nice that you are willing! We aren’t going to have children, so getting married isn’t important.” Realizing she hadn’t given him the green light, she decided she wasn’t rushing into anything. “Let me ask you a question. Why should we?”

“I want to see you when I get up in the morning, before I leave for work, and when I get home at night. You’re good for me. That garden we are going to have? I need to be here to tend it every day, and if that’s not a reason to live together, I don’t know what is,” he said.

Pam gave a nervous giggle. “Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I want to be with you too, don’t get me wrong. But to live together day in and day out is a big deal. Have you ever lived with a woman?” It had occurred to her that she really didn’t know that much about Dan’s past, while all her skeletons were hanging out in the open.

Dan began to laugh. “Believe it or not, no. I have never lived with a woman. I almost did, about ten years ago, but her parents didn’t like it that I was, you know,” and he made quotation marks in the air, “an
Indian
. Her rejection hurt so much that I didn’t allow myself to be in this kind of situation again, until now.”

“People are stupid,” Pam said. “So I guess if we could say for logistics’ sake it would be more convenient for you to be here, then I can’t argue.”

Dan laughed again. “Forget that we love each other,” he replied. “That’s no reason to want to be together.”

“Not at fifty-five it isn’t,” Pam said, smiling. It was her turn to reach for him now, and she did, hugging him. “So it’s settled. We are going to live together, with no preconceived notions; I’m not going to cook dinner every night, and you don’t need to take out the trash. Is it a deal?” She reached her hand out toward his, and he took it and shook it.

“Deal.”

Monday morning, Lisa woke up to a gentle rocking of the boat. Gulls were crying, and she could hear the ringing of sails as they hit the mast. She was disoriented at first, and then when she opened her eyes, saw the teak cabin, realized she was naked under the sheet, and felt soreness between her legs. Where she was and who she was with came flooding back. She pulled the sheet up around her shoulders, smiling. She heard a thump and felt the boat rock, heard footsteps on the upper deck, and saw the door to the cabin open. When Ed walked through and started down the steps to her, she caught her breath. He was gorgeous. His hair was uncombed, and he had a ripped T-shirt and plaid shorts on, but his rakish look added to the allure.

“Brrrr! It’s cold out there,” he said. He was carrying a cardboard tray with two cups of coffee and a bag. Lisa could smell bacon, and it made her stomach growl.

“I’m starving, and that smells wonderful,” she said. She sat up, pulling the sheet up higher. “I need to get dressed.” Ed looked at her, smiling.

“I’ll go up, give you some privacy,” he said. He took his breakfast and coffee and went up to the deck. Lisa slithered out of the bunk, dragging the sheet with her. Hunger almost reigned over nudity—almost. She’d bathe later. She pulled on her underpants, jeans, and a sweatshirt and grabbed her food to join Ed. She ducked down to get out the doorway as she maneuvered with her coffee.

“What time is it, anyway?” she asked.

“Not quite eight,” he said. “Monday mornings are great because almost everyone’s gone home. We’ll have the marina to ourselves this week.” He patted the cushion for Lisa to join him, encircling her with his free arm as he ate his fried-egg sandwich. Every few minutes he’d kiss her on the cheek.

“This food is fabulous,” she said.

“You need to keep up your strength,” Ed replied, grinning mischievously. Lisa was flattered and embarrassed. The physiology of sex surprised her, and it wasn’t too long into it that they psychology of it was revealed. She felt the control she exercised over Ed. She liked the feeling of power she had, and she was going to find a way to make it last when he wasn’t inside her. Of course, she didn’t have anything to compare it to, but she wondered if Ed had been a virgin, too. He seemed very interested in examining every inch of her body. She wouldn’t ask yet but thought those questions about their past would be answered in time as they got to know each other.

“You, too,” she answered, realizing that he might need some ego stroking. “I keep getting body rushes thinking about last night.” He laughed and shook his head in agreement.

“Let’s go. I’m ready!” he exclaimed. But she wasn’t going back to bed for a while. Laughing at his eagerness, she took a big bite of her sandwich.

“Not quite yet! We need to eat. And I need to shower.” Hopefully, there was a bathhouse at the marina. The boat had a strange toilet that was good for bladder emptying and nothing more. After they were finished eating, Ed suggested they take a walk on the beach. Lisa thought it looked a bit like Babylon there; it was the same ocean, after all. She looked north and suddenly felt lonely for her mother and for the beach house, wanting to take Ed to meet Pam and see where she was raised. She’d bide her time, not rush it, but it was definitely a necessity.

“I’d like you to meet my family someday soon,” she said. Ed looked down at her as they walked along. “I mean, it’s only fair—I met Gladys and Big Ed.” They laughed at the memory of the first breakfast.

“Do you think your mom will approve? I mean, I’m not employed. Twenty-eight and no job. That doesn’t sound very promising,” he said. She didn’t want him to get defeated so early in their relationship, so she began to lay it on a little thick. It would set the pace for the rest of their lives: the cheerleader Lisa rooting for the downtrodden Ed.

“You just had a major life change,” she said, not even sure why he left the priesthood, but hoping it was as simple as his disappointment in God. “Give yourself a break, OK? You’re great! You’ll be fine. You’ll be successful in everything you do from this moment forward.” As they walked on the sand, still cold from the previous night, the smallest seed of doubt began to sprout, but she pushed it down. She’d just lost her virginity to this guy. He had to be all the things she said he was.

Chapter 35

A
fter Dan left Sunday night, Pam reverted to an ancient routine. She opened a fresh bottle of wine and poured a big glass. Her health was great, and she could drink in moderation now. She knew it was risky to take too much pleasure in drinking alone, but it was somewhat celebratory. This would be the last night she would be alone in her house for a long time. She loved Dan and wanted to be with him. She imagined having him there, sharing her life. He loved gardening, read voraciously as she did, and would take her into the city for obligatory visits. He was a real companion. They had not yet slept together. She was wondering about the wisdom of planning on spending what was left of her life with someone she hadn’t had sex with. It was the old argument for staying “pure” before marriage. Hadn’t that been repudiated? If you loved someone, everything would work out. She laughed out loud.
Hopefully
.

The veranda no longer held the same magic for Pam as it once did. She remembered a time a few years ago where no matter how awful she felt, a few minutes out there worked wonders. Now, it was nothing more than a pleasant place to sit with friends—not the answer to life’s problems. How could she have been so shallow? Tears welled up, the result of grapes and regrets. Forgiveness was taking longer than she thought it should. Forgiving Jack was out of the question. It would be cheap forgiveness, the forgiveness that is given without remorse, without restitution. He never asked for it, so truly, the only reason she would offer it was for her own survival. It was the forgiveness she offered herself that was in question.

She once read that speaking to yourself in the first person was helpful. “Pam, I forgive you for screwing up your family, for looking the other way when your husband was abusing your sister, Marie, when your children were privy to his comings and goings from her bedroom. I forgive you for exalting your own personal freedom above that of your marriage, never questioning your husband’s whereabouts, allowing your sister to act as your stand-in at social events for two decades so that you would have all the free time you wanted.” She stood up to refill her glass, angry that the same old broken record played in her brain. Maybe the only way to move on was by living with Dan. She did love him already, admired him, desired him. What more could she ask for? She sipped the wine and then went to the hallway to get the phone. She took it back to the veranda and keyed in Dan’s number. He answered on the first ring.

“Do you want to pack a bag and come back?” she asked. He giggled and said, “Why, sure! What a nice offer.” She told him to hurry before she lost her nerve. She was going to have sex with him tonight no matter what.

The trip to Costco would be postponed so that the Borg– Hageman–Dale family could pile into a rented Hummer and make the precipitous trip upstate. Even though going for just the day, they had enough food and clothing to stay a week if need be. They crowded on the sidewalk, waiting for the rental agency to drop the car off, chattering away with excitement. Deborah was thrilled; she loved the woods and the cold lakes of upstate New York. Zach listened to Ted talking about the possible swap. Maybe elementary education wasn’t such a good career choice; real estate might be more lucrative. When the car arrived and the driver handed the keys off, they looked at each other.

“Does anyone know how to drive?” Ashton asked. Deb pointed at her boyfriend, smirking. “Zach! Thank God, you are here! Zach will drive, everyone.” They all patted Zach on the back, cheering for him.

“Wow, a Hummer,” he said. “I hope I don’t sideswipe anything.” Zach took the keys and everyone got in, Deborah in the very back, perched up higher than the others were.