Falling Darkness: The second book in the Falling Awake Series (11 page)

I held onto the railing and looked out at Cape Flattery. I could see everything from up here. Where the ocean narrowed into the beauty of the secluded cove and the neighboring cliffs that hugged the whole turquoise sea, making it feel totally private. The railing was slick under my hands and a fine mist hung in the air, slowly turning into a light drizzle.

“So, we are really here. I’m not dreaming?”

Caleb came up next to me, leaning over the railing, resting on his elbows. “You tried to bring us here, but your body couldn’t handle it. So yes, we’re really here but only subconsciously. We’re kind of caught up in limbo. We’re here, we can feel things, see things, do things, but physically- we are in Friday Harbor. No one can see us here.

“How do we get back?”

“You will have to do that. We’ll practice. That’s why you dragged Ressler with you today, right? To try and find out exactly what it is you can do? Although, I think you’re getting pretty good already.”

“Nothing gets by you. I have no idea how you do that.”

“Do what?” Caleb shifted his weight onto one elbow and turned to look at me.

“Know everything when you’re not even there. It’s creepy you know.”

“I don’t know everything. Trust me, I wish I did… and who say’s I’m not there?”

“All the times you’ve been with Tamara, maybe?” I looked away from him at the receding shore as the tide sucked it back and a lazy wave sloshed up over the bottom of the cliffs. I shook my head to tell him it didn’t matter. “By the way, I know you’ve been creeping into my dreams. Ressler let it slip that it’s one of the things you angels are capable of. You forgot to mention that part to me.”

“It’s not like Ressler to speak before he thinks.”

I looked at Caleb. He was wearing the arrogant smirk of sarcasm. “Hey, don’t talk about him like that. He didn’t know he was dropping your secret of invading my privacy.”

“That’s why he’s no good at keeping you safe. Because he does whatever it is you want. You have to be cruel to be kind. You say jump and he dives, head first.”

“Don’t change the subject,” I snapped back at him. “What do you think you’re playing at? What makes you think you can slip into my mind like that and not mention it?”

“About that…” he started.

“Yes, about that.”

“I had to do it.”

“And why’s that?”

“I’ve changed.”

“I’m glad you’ve finally decided to acknowledge it.”

“No, really. I’ve changed. I feel like someone else most of the time.” His tone had turned serious all of a sudden and worry inched up on me. “I’m pushing everyone away. People I should care about, they hardly mean anything to me anymore.”

Well at least he was being honest, even if I didn’t like the way it sounded. “People like me?” I asked.

He just nodded.

“And you now prefer people like Tamara?” My face creased just at the thought of it.

“Tamara is simple. No strings… fun.”

“Okay, please stop. I don’t want to hear this.”

“You need to hear this.”

“No, really. I don’t.” I wanted to pull my ears off.

“You do. So shut up and listen.”

I cupped my hands over my mouth and inhaled a deep breath. “Fine.”

“I won’t lie. It feels like there’s no life in my heart, no understanding. Half the time it feels empty, that’s the only way I can describe it. I know I still need to help you, but I’ve lost most of my feelings for you. Remember when I said to you that I could fall in love with you?"

“I remember.” What the fuck was coming next…

“That’s gone.”

I had thought just as much but hearing it out loud… his words were crippling me. I wasn’t sure how much more I could listen to. He was being deliberately hurtful.

“I don’t know if it will ever go away. If thing’s will ever go back to the way they were.” He paused. “I haven’t told anyone else about this.”

“It doesn’t matter, Caleb,” I interrupted. “We were never going to be together, anyway.”

“Just listen, will you?”

I rolled my eyes and kept quiet.

“There's always a tiny part of me that want's you, but it's not enough, and the rest of me eventually blocks it out." He pushed his hand through his damp hair. This was the most sincere Caleb had been with me for a long time. I was half expecting him to say he was joking and he really just despised me.

"Anyway, one night I was just sitting there, thinking about you. Really trying to think about you, remembering every small, tiny detail about you, and I somehow found you straight away. There was no effort on my part. You were just there. You’re always looking for me you know?” He raised his eyebrows and when a lethal grin pulled at the corner of his mouth, I reached out and slapped him on the arm.

“I am not.” I did not want him thinking that about me after he had just confessed his distaste of me.

The rain was beginning to soak my clothes and I pushed back the strands of hair that were stuck to the side of my face. "So you have to be asleep to get into my dreams?"

"No we don’t. You’re the only one sleeping. The smallest part of me that remembers us and how I used to feel about you surfaces on its own and I have no control over it. When that happens to me, and that tiny drop of you takes over, I have to find you.”

It sounded farfetched. It was probably an excuse, a sloppy attempt instead of having to give a plain old apology and admitting he was just a full on ass.

"The pull to you is getting more regular, sometimes stronger. But then when it’s gone, I’m completely closed off. I always had the means to get into your dreams if I wanted to but now it’s when I’m seeking you out. I still…” He let out a strained noise that sounded like bitter laughter and choked disgust. “Never mind.”

"So those dreams, that was you? I wasn’t just imagining it?"

"It was me."

"But in the real world, you want to spend your time with Tamara?"

"At first I did."

"But now?"

"I can’t tell you right now. Tonight."

"But why?"

"Trust me?"

"How can I? If any of what you are saying is true, then why are you being so tolerant of me now, if
apparently
-" I made air quotes with my fingers around the word apparently. "You couldn’t give a shit about me when you’re awake and walking around like a normal person?"

"We’re here subconsciously remember? That's why I can be myself now. I'm not lying to you. Why would I? You know me better than that."

I scrutinized him closely. He looked like he was telling the truth. There was nothing about his expression to tell me otherwise. He had just changed so much in the past few months, I didn’t want to let myself believe that I might actually have the old Caleb- my Caleb, back.

 "What would I get out of lying? Nothing, and you know it. I'll say it, when we go back to the real world, I won’t think twice about you most of the time. I only really care about keeping you alive because I have to. And we both know I’ve got just as much invested in this as you have."

I must have flinched from his words because he got up and moved in closer to me, turning me around so I had my back to the wet railing and he had one arm fixed loosely at my waist.

"I know it hurts you to hear that, but it's the truth. In your dreams that's the only place I can be me; the me that won't hurt you or do, or say something stupid to upset you. I never forced my way in, Pria. You had to let me in, and I found my way there. None of this was deliberate."

"It’s just... I wasn’t expecting this." I moved his hand away from me and stepped around him, sitting down on the soaking, wooden bench behind us.

"Nothing will change. You asked me to stay out of your way, and I will. I know this is hard for you to understand, but just think about what I’m telling you. We need to talk. Tonight."

"Okay." There was nothing else to do but give him a chance to explain. "I'm wet, and I’m cold and I want to go home."

"You remember how you got us here? It's the same thing."

"I don’t feel anything. What am I supposed to do?"

"Just focus on where you want to be. Get the picture clear in your mind and don’t think about anything else," Caleb instructed, walking over to me. He crouched down on his heels and wound his fingers into mine. "Close your eyes and picture home. I'll be with you the whole time.” He stated hard into my eyes. “Concentrate.”

It wasn't hard to see myself back at Mt. Young. As soon as I closed my eyes and thought about how much I wanted to escape this prison of gut-wrenching home truths, I reopened them and I was standing back with Caleb in the cold, fresh air, high above the San Juan Islands.

I was home.

When our hands snapped apart and I looked up into Caleb's eyes, I knew he had been telling me the truth. The boy I was standing with now wasn’t the same one mere seconds ago. He was someone else and I only needed the empty expression in his eyes to tell me that.

T
he following day at school, I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to get through first period, let alone the whole day, so when last period finally rolled around, I was just about ready to let my head drop onto the desk and let sleep carry me away.

I hadn’t dared let myself close my eyes last night, and instead sat up with Ressler all night. I’d decided I didn’t want Caleb in my dreams. I wouldn’t settle for him in that way while he done whatever the hell he felt like doing through the day. I couldn’t go on like this, though. I was hoping that maybe, with some sleeping pills, they would knock me out enough to keep any dreams far, far away, and keep Caleb away with them.

I looked across at the vacant seat next to me. I had gone from having Caleb in almost all of my classes, to him dropping out of school. It was what I wanted. I wasn’t sorry I asked him to do it. I would get used to it sooner or later.

After class, Mellissa was waiting with Drake and Ressler, hanging around Drakes Pontiac.

“Wow. You look like the walking dead,” Mellissa complimented me.

“I feel like it.”

“I know what will cheer you up.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I shifted my backpack higher up on my shoulder, and shot Ressler a quick smile hello. He looked fine. No one would ever guess he had been up all night. But then again, he was up most nights. Someone had to watch me. I was like a burden, and I hated it. He had started off last night still pissed at me from what happened earlier in the day, but it didn’t take a lot for him to forgive me, and I hated him being mad at me.

“Milkshakes at the Southern Oven?”

“Definitely not,” I said, shaking my head. “I can’t deal with Gracey and her questions about my dad and Leah right now.”

“I’m not surprised she doesn’t like Leah.” Mellissa quipped an eyebrow at Drake. “Do you think she’s hot?”

“What have I got to do with this?” Drake asked defensively.

“I’m just asking you a simple question. Is she hot?”

“As hot as you? No way. Besides, she’s not my type.”

“Nice save,” said Ressler. I pressed my mouth together to suppress a smile. It was a nice save. Very smooth.

“Yeah, Yeah. Calm down. I’m just messing with you. I know she’s hot. Should we ask her to come with us?”

“NO,” we all said in unison.

“No,” I said. “We’re not that close. Besides, she won’t want to come.” Both statements were very true.

“Well okay, but I would really like to spend more than twenty seconds with her one of these days. She seems cool.”

“Cool…” I was trying the word out on my lips, and I wasn’t really sure it was the best word to describe Leah.

“I still can’t get over you hiding a cousin your whole life,” Mellissa threw at me.

“I already told you, I never even knew about her myself. My dad’s not close to his family.”

“Yeah right. What else are you keeping from me?”

She was kidding but I couldn’t keep the guilty look off my face. “We’ll do something one time,” I said, knowing Leah would never agree to it so I had nothing to really worry about.

“Great. Now let’s just go to Jets. I’m starving.”

The only booth available at Jets was one right in front of where Tamara sat with Nathan, Tye, Jason and another two girls, Minka and Phoebe, who just like Tamara, were kitted out in blue and white cheerleader uniforms.

I sat down with my back to them and Mellissa and Drake sat opposite with Ressler sliding in next to me.

“Hey, Pria.” I twisted my head at the sound of Nathan’s voice at my ear.

“Hi, Nathan.” He was in the seat directly behind me.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, why?” I scooted forward in my seat, so I could see him better, without breaking my neck.

“Nothing. You just look a little…”

“Thanks, Nathan, but I’m fine. Really.” I obviously looked worse than I felt.

“She doesn’t look fine.” I heard Tamara say, and both Minka and Phoebe giggled before their leader.  “I’m glad I don’t look that scary. I’m meeting Caleb later.”

I considered getting up and dragging her out of the booth by her hair, but I didn’t even want to look at her.

I turned back to my table. “Why are you such a bitch?” I heard Nathan whisper to Tamara.

“I’m just gonna go,” I said to Mellissa, more than anyone else. “I’m too tired. I just want to go to bed.”

“Drake will drive you,” Mellissa offered.

“No stay. I’ll walk. The fresh air will wake me up a little. I need to stretch my legs.”

“I’ll walk with you.” Ressler stood up and handed me my backpack.

“I’ll see you in the morning for school?” I said to Mellissa, standing up. “You want me to pick you up?”

“I’ll take you both,” Drake said.

“Works for me.” I shrugged. “See you guys then.” I started for the exit with Ressler when Mellissa shouted over. “We’ll come, too.”

I looked behind me to see Mellissa gathering up her things, hurrying out of the booth, behind Drake. She was practically pushing him out. It was hard not to notice the look Jason was giving Mellissa, and I knew my best friend well enough to know that the look on her face was discomfort.

Catching up to me, she pulled her eyebrows together and brought her fingers to her lips to ‘Sshh’ me. As if I was going to say anything. Had I missed something here? Something couldn’t have possibly happened with her and Jason.

“I’m still walking,” I said to her.

A few clicks on Amazon that night and the next day I held a pack of sleeping pills in my hand. Hopefully strong enough to keep the big, bad wolf away. Caleb wanted to talk but I’d had enough of talking. What he had to say didn’t seem like anything I needed to hear. I swallowed two pills with a glass of water and lay down hoping for the best.

By Friday, I had slept every night with not a dream in sight. I felt invigorated. Energized. I slipped the pictures I had grabbed from the attic from under my pillow, where I had been keeping them for the past week. The first picture on top of the short stack I had gathered was one of my mom sitting in a garden looking away from the camera, smiling. Her silky, dark brown hair was slightly blowing back from her face and curling at the ends, exactly as mine did. I felt a little bit like I was looking at myself and it was unsettling. I put the picture to the back of the pile and continued through the rest.

I hadn't yet gotten my head around never seeing my mom before, and now her face was at the tip of my fingers whenever I wanted to see her. I had an ache inside of me that wished it could turn back the clock and make someone stop her from doing what she did. Maybe if someone had been there for her, she could be here for me now. The thought struck me that I might actually want to punish my dad a little bit for letting her kill herself. For not realizing what was going to happen, and in some way prevent it.

Was I trying to hurt him now by finding my real dad? What was a real dad anyway? The man that had been there all my life, or a stranger I don’t know from Adam, who shares the same blood group as me? And Gabriel, my dad, he was a fallen angel. How did that even work? I had too many questions with no answers flying around in my head and it was giving me a migraine. 

I tried to ignore them and concentrate on the pictures. As I flipped the next picture to the back, the next shot was of my dad. He had his back to the camera, only the side profile of his face was visible and he had his arm half raised in the air and his mouth parted slightly open, as if he was about to speak. I could see even from just a small glimpse of his face that he didn’t look happy. Annoyed even. But that wasn't the most alarming thing about the picture.

My dad was standing with his other hand pressed against a cluster of slate colored seastacks with a covering of deep, green moss, and a scattering of sparse pine trees standing proudly on top. The sun was low in the background, casting a burnt orange glow over the sandy beach, creating the effect of sleek, black ice over the creeping sea. It wasn’t Cape Flattery but it was just as mesmerizing. I flipped the picture over.

Shi Shi beach
was written on the back in the same elegant, cursive script that was on the back of the picture that I carried around with me of my mom. There was nothing else written on there, but I didn’t need anything else. I had exactly what I needed. One quick google search on my phone told me that Shi Shi beach was right next to Neah Bay in Clallam County. The fact that my dad had even been there at all, was all the answer I needed.

I jumped up out of bed and raced through a shower. Make up wasn’t necessary for today. I wasn’t going to school. I got dressed into jeans, a long sleeved tee and pulled on my boots and parka.

Ressler looked up at me from where he was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. “What now?” he asked, rubbing a hand along his head.

“I’m getting on the ferry and I’m going to Clallam County. Either you’re coming with me or I’m going on my own. I’m more than happy to go on my own, but…”

“Why are we going there?”

I walked into the kitchen and showed him the picture of my dad. He flipped it over himself and bit into the inside of his mouth when his eyes read over the words. He swept his tongue over his teeth and sighed. “It could take us day’s to go by ferry,” he said, handing me back the picture.

“I’m not getting in anything that you stole.”

“I never stole it,” he countered.

“I’m not getting in it.”

“I know a guy. He has a boat. He will take us.”

“Then what are we waiting for?” I snatched the picture back, ready to find out at last, what was really going on here.

***

“Mellissa, I can’t come into school today. I’m really not feeling well.” That awful feeling that I got when I lied to her, took root deep in my stomach.

“What’s up with you?” She asked. “You okay on your own?”

“I’ve got Leah. I’m feeling kinda sick. It’s nothing serious.”

“It’s not Caleb, is it? Since he hasn’t showed up at school, you’ve been kinda…”

“It’s not him. I swear. It’s not a big deal. I’ll be fine tomorrow, no doubt.” First truth told. This really had nothing to do with him.

“If you say so. Want me to bring you anything by after school?”

“No. I’ve got everything here I need. I’ll call you in the morning?”

“Sure. Feel better,” she said, and hung up.

Well that was easy.

Ressler parked his Mercedes two blocks away from down town because everywhere was so busy, and a ten minute walk brought us out near the end of Spring Street.

At the Marina, and straight under the weathered, ‘Port of Friday Harbor’ sign, Ressler took over, and pointed out where we needed to be.

“You didn’t mention any Fishing boat!” I stood, taking in what I would have to spend a big chunk of the day in.

“Yacht.” A large frame of muscle and tattoos, ducked down through a doorway inside the boat and stepped out onto the deck.

“Sully?”

“Don’t let Cathy hear you talking about her like that,” he said, tipping his sunglasses up onto the top of his bald head. Did he know it wasn’t sunny?

“Who’s Cathy?” I asked, checking the area around me for anyone else. No one was there.

“Cathy’s the boat,” Ressler said. He jumped over the side, in the way that he does, making it look easy as pie and reached over, pulling me inside. He spun me around before my feet touched the floor and I squealed in surprise. When my feet landed firmly on the deck, I turned to Sully.

“Sorry if I upset Cathy.” I surveyed the worn, wooden deck and the peeling paintwork of the vessel. Looked more like a fishing boat than a yacht to me. I had seen plenty of boats, living in a town surrounded by the coast, and this was definitely not like the other yachts I had seen. It looked older than the Harbor itself.

“Old Sully here like’s to fish,” Ressler said, grinning at Sully. “This is a yacht with a twist.”

I glanced at Sully. “Fishing, huh? I would never have guessed.”

Sully put his glasses back over his eyes. “Gotta do something to keep me sane.” He looked over at Ressler. “Where to?” Sully’s voice sounded deeper than the ocean, with a gravelly undertone to it.

“Clallam Bay.”

Laughter bellowed out from Sully and his sturdy frame tried to shake from the action. “You owe me.”

“I wasn’t expecting to see Sully here,” I said to Ressler as we stood on the deck of the boat, watching the sea splay out around us. The sea was a little choppy but miraculously, the boat was managing to sail through it without any great difficulty. This old thing was stronger than it looked. “Does he know you’re a fallen angel?”

“He should. He came from exactly the same place.”

“Sully, really?” All the time I had spent in and out of Caleb’s place I had never once questioned what Sully might have known, or who he really was. All I saw was a mean looking guy who ran the bar. “He doesn’t look like a fallen angel.”

“What does a fallen angel look like?” Ressler looked amused by what I had just said.