Authors: Kyra Lennon
Michael wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I folded into him, clinging onto him like a lifeline because so far, he’d been the only person to hear me.
“Don’t cry, Lucy,” he said, softly. “The reason I wanted to talk to you wasn’t to tell you to be careful, or that you’ve made bad decisions. I wanted to thank you.”
My head lifted from his shoulder. “Thank me?”
He nodded. “Jason told me he’d been set up by a drug dealer when you were in Munich.”
“He told you?” He’d fought so hard against me telling Drew, I hadn’t expected him to tell his dad. Some of my ache eased because that was a sign of how different he was now. He never would have done that before. He wouldn’t have admitted to struggling.
“Yes. He told me you were there for him, and you didn’t put up with any of his crap. His words, not mine.”
I laughed. “I was actually terrified. But I just pushed it away because I wanted him to be okay. I didn’t think I did anything remarkable. Just what anyone would do for someone they care about.”
“It’s not easy to be that person. I’ve never been good at handling him when he’s like that.”
“But when you had to handle him, he was still using cocaine. It must have been harder then.”
“Yes. But even now, it’s hard to see him craving.”
“He’s tough. And I think his sponsor is really helpful too. Jason seemed much calmer after they’d spoken.”
“Alex has been a lifesaver. But… I think having you in his life will only help him. And that’s why I wanted to talk to you. I know it feels like the whole world is against you, but it’s not. You have a lot of support from the band’s fans and… you have my support too. I can’t get involved in whatever’s happening with your parents because we’ve been friends for a very long time and that is important to me. But I’m on your side. So there’s ten years between you and Jason? So what? It’s a number. If you and Jason are happy, who cares about age? The truth is, you have to grab every chance for happiness because there are never any guarantees. I miss my wife every single day, even after all these years, and when we were younger, we wasted a lot of time. If I’d known what would happen, I’d have stopped messing around and told her how I felt much sooner.”
I’d always been fond of Michael, but never more so than at that moment. He was telling me what I already understood. That going after what you want is not a bad thing. And that trying to be happy is what’s important.
Maybe my age worked in my favour. Maybe my naivety was the thing that actually made this work. Being nineteen didn’t inhibit my ability to see how dangerous things could be if Jason fell back into drug use. I was young, not stupid. But I wasn’t looking at him as someone who was constantly on the brink of disaster. That was the Jason Ellie and Drew knew. The Jason I knew had come so much further than that, and I had to believe he’d keep pushing through it.
“Thank you,” I said. “Thank you for listening and understanding, and for raising such an incredible man.”
“You’re welcome, Lucy. Hang in there, okay? It’ll all work out.”
**
I spent the rest of the day hanging out alone in St Ives. When I say alone, I mean as alone as a person can be on a warm, sunny day in June in one of the UK’s tourist hotspots. It hadn’t quite reached peak season yet but the town grew busier by the week as the summer holidays came closer. I didn’t mind all the people. Even though I was wary of the fact that I’d been in the papers the day before, for the most part, I got left alone when I was at home. I knew the news had broken that I’d left the tour, but I doubted anyone was actually expecting me to be out and about so soon. Little did they know I’d rather have been hounded by the press than have to hide in my bedroom with no escape. I needed freedom after being cooped up in the tour bus, and I found it on Porthmeor Beach.
I knew I couldn’t stay out of the house forever, though. I needed to go home and face my parents sometime, plus, I knew Jason would call that evening when he arrived in New York. I didn’t want to risk any chance of strangers overhearing our conversation.
Mum and Dad greeted me with small, somewhat distant smiles which only irked me more since they were the ones pushing me away. More than anything I wanted to be able to talk to them, to have a real conversation about the things that had happened, but I knew it was impossible because, like Ellie, they had already formed opinions and wanted me as far away from Jason as possible. Instead of joining them for a family dinner, I went back to my room and flung myself on my bed. I took my phone from my jeans pocket, ignoring the new round of tweets I’d been sent that day, and began scrolling through the photos I’d taken while I’d been on tour. Smiling fondly at the selfie Jason and I took before I left Prague, I set it as my phone’s background then stared at it for a moment.
Obviously, it wasn’t the first time I’d stared at a photo of Jason and me. In fact, I’d done it an almost embarrassing number of times, but this one was a lot different. Although we were sad to be going our separate ways for a while, there was an enormous amount of happiness, and something resembling hope in our eyes. I knew I’d felt it, but I hadn’t known Jason felt the exact same way. Or at least that was how it seemed.
I almost dropped the phone when it began to ring, and Jason’s name flashed on my screen. My heart sped up at the thought of hearing his voice and I swiped the screen and held the phone to my ear.
“Hey!”
“Hi, Luce. God, I’ve missed you today.”
No words could have made me happier.
“I’ve missed you too. How’s New York?”
“It’s… hectic. Getting from the airport to the hotel was crazy, but I’ve just checked in then called you. I haven’t done anything else yet.”
A ripple of joy was followed by a huge pang of disappointment that I wasn’t there with him. New York was supposed to be the highlight of the tour, and I’d wanted to see everything. The things I’d seen on TV, and maybe discover some hidden gems too. And then, perhaps some time alone together in a hotel room where we could kiss, and hopefully a hell of a lot more. My stomach fluttered at the thought of him touching me and I clenched my thighs together.
“I know, Luce.” Jason read my silence perfectly. “I wish you were here.”
From zero to horny in around three seconds? This was new. What if I
was
there? Would he have kissed me the way he’d kissed me the day before? Maybe he’d have allowed his hands to push farther underneath my top, taken it off. Unclipped my bra…
“Me too,” I choked out, hoping he couldn’t hear my mood through my voice.
Jason’s deep chuckle down the line caused goose bumps to sprinkle across my skin. “Are you okay?”
I swiped my hand across my forehead and shuffled further up the bed, trying to get a grip of my thoughts. “I… yeah, I’m… no.”
When he laughed again, I knew he’d heard what I was thinking and my cheeks flushed. Thank God he hadn’t video called me.
Ooh, video calls. That could be a whole new level of fun…
“We should change the subject,” he said, his own voice suddenly sounding slightly strained.
“Aww!”
“We’ll have plenty of time for that when I come home. Well, eventually. We’re taking it slow, remember?”
“I remember. But… talking to you and being with you makes me forget sometimes.”
“It’s not easy for me either. You’re amazing, and I can’t wait to be alone with you so we can…”
“Start taking things slowly?”
Jason chuckled. “Yes.”
The idea of being alone with him – really alone – made my blood fizz in my veins. He was right – we had to change the subject.
“So,” I began, “what do you have planned for tomorrow?”
“Sleep mostly. Then probably sightseeing with the guys. I’m allowed to be seen outside now, but we’ve got extra security until things cool down a bit.”
“How have the fans been since I left?”
“There were a couple of fans on the plane who were really supportive of us and said they hope we have a chance to be together once the tour is over. Aside from them I haven’t seen too many others yet. But nobody’s thrown anything at me, so maybe Derek’s statement helped.”
“I hope so.”
There was no way I could convey how much I meant that, and how much I wished Jason was coming home sooner. I knew the time apart was needed for the rest of the world to calm down about us, but I missed him. I missed having him close to joke around with. He was the only person who completely indulged my need to see and experience as much as possible, and knowing what we’d miss out on made me ache. Missing out on New York was especially hard, and I’d looked forward to Los Angeles too. Regardless of where we were, I just wanted to be beside Jason again.
“I saw your dad today,” I said, to distract myself from everything I wouldn’t get to do.
“You did? What did he say?”
“Lots of things, but the main point is that he thinks we should do whatever makes us happy.”
“And your parents?”
I sighed. “Not so much. Dad grilled me about whether or not I’m quitting uni and-”
“Wait. What made him think that?”
“I don’t know. I guess he thinks I plan to turn into a groupie and follow you around on tour.” I paused, wondering if I sounded harsh. “Not that that would be a terrible thing,” I added quickly. “Seeing the world with you would be incredible but… I want to finish uni.”
“You should finish, Luce. It’s what you’ve been working towards, and I would never expect you to give that up for me.”
“I know that. But my parents don’t. I hate that they’re being like everyone else and making assumptions. I feel like I have to stay in my room because I don’t want to be around them. And it kind of seems like they want to be around me even less. All of a sudden, I’m just a massive disappointment.”
“I’m sorry. I feel like I’m ruining your life and we’re not even properly together yet.”
“Please don’t say that. I don’t want you to talk yourself out of this. Out of us.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m just… I’m trying not to be the selfish asshole I usually am. I wouldn’t ask you to give up everything for me.”
“I know that. And I wouldn’t. Not because you’re not worth it, because you are. But because I trust that things will work out the way they’re supposed to. And if we can’t survive me being at uni and you being on the road, it would never have worked out anyway.”
There was a long silence that made me nervous, and just as I was worried he’d hung up or something, Jason said, “You are fucking amazing. This age thing people keep talking about… it’s bullshit. You’re probably more of an adult than I am.”
I laughed. “I don’t know if I’d go that far.”
“You’re smart, Luce. You know what you want and you know how to get it. And you don’t let anything get in the way.”
“Hmm. I’m pretty sure I would describe you the same way. That’s probably why we get along so well.”
“People usually describe me as single-minded and selfish.”
“Maybe those two descriptions are different ways of saying the same thing, depending on how you view it. Perhaps me doing what I want in spite of what it might do to us could be considered selfish.”
Again, Jason laughed. “This conversation is getting way too deep for the limited amount of sleep I’ve had in the last twenty-four hours. You’re not selfish, though. That’s the last thing you are. And I’m sorry your parents are giving you a hard time. You don’t deserve it.”
I closed my eyes, letting out a sigh. “I want to come back, Jase. I don’t want to be here.”
“I know,” he said, softly. “If I thought it would make anything any better, I’d book you on the next flight over here. But we’re gonna have to hang in there and wait this two weeks out. We have a lot of people to prove wrong, and we’re going to do that by showing them we meant what we said.”
Chapter 12 – I’ll Always Catch You
Jason’s words carried me through the next few days. The truth in them kept me strong as my parents continued to treat me with mild hostility. Nobody could accuse me of not making an effort with them. I tried spending less time in my room and more with them; I was met with tight smiles and awkward conversations. I hadn’t seen or heard from Ellie since we get home, and I wasn’t quite ready to deal with her yet. I wanted more than anything to bridge the gap between us, but it still hurt that she hadn’t backed me up, and if she’d changed her opinion, she would have called. I toyed with the idea of going to visit one of my uni friends, but since I’d been screwed over by a few of them too, I wasn’t sure who to trust. My only ally was Jason’s dad, and I’d visited him several times. Being in his house made me feel closer to Jason. Even though Jason hadn’t lived there for years, it was the closest connection I had, and Michael seemed to understand that I needed something to hold on to. Jason and I spoke on the phone every day, more than once if there was time between shows, interviews, travel and sleep. We both counted down the days until he would arrive in London, and we’d be reunited.
**
Six days after Jason arrived in New York, every plan we had was blown to pieces.
Have you ever walked into a room and instinctively known something was wrong? I’d entered the kitchen early in the morning and my mum was sitting at the kitchen table with her back to me. I could hear Dad’s voice from the living room, it sounded as if he was on the phone, and nothing about the scenario was unusual. Except the atmosphere. It felt… still. Sombre. The way the air feels before a huge storm. I wrapped my dressing gown more tightly around myself as a shiver rippled across my skin.
“Mum?”
When she turned to me she was shaking and her eyes were rimmed with redness, as if she’d been crying for a long time and had only just stopped.
“Mum, what’s wrong?”
She blew out a slow breath. “Sit down, Lucy.”
I hadn’t seen my mother in this state… ever, and as I approached the table and sat beside her, my own body began to tremble with the severity of what I was about to hear. It had to be huge, and it was going to affect me; I could tell by the heaviness in her eyes.
“Lucy, there’s been an accident. A very serious accident. Ellie called us a few hours ago, and-”
My stomach jolted and I clutched my hand over it as dread rushed into my bones. “Oh my God. Mum. Who’s hurt?”
“It’s the band, Lucy.” Mum paused, taking a few more breaths which only served to make the fear inside me ramp up higher. “The tour bus was on the way to Houston, and there was a crash. The… the bus…”
“Mum, please,” I begged, my voice trembling as much as my body. “Just tell me.”
She gave me a small, reassuring smile. “Jason’s okay, Lucy. He’s bruised and shaken, and he’s in hospital, but he’s okay.” A small rush of relief left me, but it was only brief because something was obviously very wrong. “Joey is also okay. Like Jason, he’s got minor injuries. They’ve both been very lucky.”
My heart began to sink. Drew. She hadn’t mentioned Drew yet, and I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to fight the sickness that threatened to climb out of my stomach as I stared at my mum, waiting for her to continue.
“Drew is in intensive care. He’s suffered a head injury, as well as a lot of broken bones, and they had to perform emergency surgery due to internal bleeding.”
I shook my head slowly. “No,” I mumbled. “Is he going to be okay?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. Right now he’s in a critical condition, and we just don’t know what’s going to happen.”
This had to be a mistake. Different people, a different band, because this didn’t happen to people we knew. This was a thing that happened on the news. A tragic accident that affected strangers. It didn’t happen in our world, not to us.
I wanted to ask so many questions but words wouldn’t form. Why didn’t they wake me sooner? Where was Ellie? What caused the crash? If the boys were travelling to Houston, where were they now? How far did they get?
“Mum. What about Mack?”
Mum’s eyes dimmed and she lowered her head. “He didn’t make it, Lucy.”
It was too much. I leapt up from my seat, ran to the sink and vomited violently as tears poured from my eyes.
Mack. Kind, funny, laid back Mack. He’d been my ally on the tour; he was an ally to everyone because he was just so unfazed by everything. He didn’t judge, he didn’t interfere. All he wanted from life was to play music and be happy. And now…
Mum’s hand gently rubbed my back, and I slowly lifted my head from the sink. I was still trembling, my skin icy cold. “Mum, I can’t… I don’t know how to handle this.”
“None of us do, Lucy. I’ve been up for three hours and I still can’t take it in. Your dad’s trying to sort out flights to get Ellie, me and Michael to Houston and…”
The room slid out of focus for a second, and I leaned back against the sink as her words settled into my brain. If I’d been thinking clearly, I might have seen this coming. Or maybe not. Mum had had three hours to figure out the next steps, but I hadn’t got that far yet. Hadn’t thought about going to the boys.
Mack. Mack was gone. And Drew… he might not pull through…
“Wait. Mum… I-”
Mum shook her head. “Ellie has to go to be with Drew, and she needs me to be there for her.”
“What about Jason? Mum, please, I-”
“Lucy, we’re not trying to leave you out, but we can’t all be there. Joey’s family will be there too, and-”
“Mum! I know you’re not crazy about the idea of me and Jason, but he needs someone to be there for him. I get that his dad will be there, but everyone’s going to be with Drew, and Jason… I don’t know how he’ll cope.”
I
could barely cope with what was happening, but Jason had spent years with his band mates, and losing Mack and seeing his brother in intensive care might just be enough to send him over the edge. We’d already had one close call with drugs; I didn’t want him to have another. I wasn’t arrogant enough to assume my presence could prevent him relapsing, but if there was any chance I could do something to help him, I didn’t want to pass it up.
“Please,” I said, softly.
Mum looked into my eyes for a moment, and I could see her battling with her decision. Eventually she shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
I ran my hand through my hair, trying to get to grips with all the information I’d gotten since I walked into the kitchen, but I couldn’t get past the fact that Mack was dead, and Jason wouldn’t have anyone there just for him. I didn’t mean to seem callous; of course I was worried about Drew, and terrified about the possibility that he might not be okay and what that would mean for Ellie. But Jason… I just needed to wrap my arms around him and thank God he was okay.
I sank to the floor where I was because my legs wouldn’t carry me back to the chair. My life had become a living nightmare over the last two weeks. I’d been alone, even when I’d been surrounded by my family, because they were all so busy with their own judgements that they hadn’t heard me. Hadn’t heard me trying to find a way through, and maybe the right words didn’t even exist. Perhaps, just like for the rest of the world, it was a matter of time before Jason and I proved we had something worth trying for. And now it was so insignificant. A life had been lost, and another one hung in the balance. Mum might have had a point about not wanting too many people taking over the hospital, but dammit, those guys meant the world to me. And Jason and Drew were practically family. The thought of Drew lying in a hospital bed, fighting for his life, made my heart ache, for him and for Ellie.
The sound of the front door opening and soft footsteps on the hallway carpet made me raise my head. Ellie stood in the kitchen doorway, her face deathly white, her eyes bloodshot and puffy. She wore jeans and her favourite baggy comfort jumper, the one she always wore when she needed to feel warm and safe. Her eyes locked onto mine and I stood up. Without a word, I flung myself into her arms, and held her tight as her head fell onto my shoulder and she sobbed.
“It’s going to be okay, Ellie,” I managed to say through my own tears. “It’s got to be okay.”
Instead of answering, she clung to me and I wished more than anything I could take her pain away. We’d been virtually strangers since I’d been home, and I wished hadn’t taken this to make all the arguments vanish as if they’d never existed. What we should have been doing was planning her wedding, and it pierced at my soul to think that wedding might not even happen.
“Flights are booked.” I loosened my hold on Ellie and we both turned as Dad joined us in the kitchen. “But you’ll need to get moving fairly quickly. The train is at twelve, and your flight is at nine tonight. Let’s just hope there aren’t any delays on the way.”
My heart sank a little further knowing I wasn’t going to be on that flight with them and I lowered my head, trying not to cry again.
The front door opened again, and a haggard looking Michael entered, his face as pale as Ellie’s. I stepped away from Ellie and hugged him tight.
“I was just telling everyone the flights are booked and the train is at twelve,” Dad said. “You just need to get ready and then you can head off.”
“Thanks, Martin. Did you book return flights?”
Dad shook his head. “I thought it would be easier not to because nobody knows how long you’ll be there. It’s a pain of a journey, too. London to New York, three hour stopover, and then on to Houston.”
Michael sighed and I knew what he was thinking. It was the same thing we were all thinking. A journey that long… anything could happen in that time, and there would be no way for them to get information while they were in the air. What if they got half way and something happened to Drew? What if they were too late?
Ellie let out a small sob and Mum grabbed her before she fell to the ground. “Mum, I’m so scared.”
“I know, Ellie. I know. We all are, and if we could get there any faster, we would. But this is all we have, so you need to stay strong. You need to be strong when you get to Drew so you can help him pull through.”
As a tear slipped down my cheek, Michael gave me a weak smile. “Same goes for you, Lucy. I need you to be strong for Jason.”
I couldn’t meet his eye. “I’m not coming.”
How could he have not known that? I thought the details had been wrapped up while I was asleep. That was probably
why
they did it while I was sleeping; so I couldn’t demand to go along.
Michael’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “Why not?”
I didn’t need to speak, I just shook my head and waited for someone else to explain. It sure as hell wasn’t my choice.
Mum began to give her reasons why they hadn’t included me, but Michael held up his hand. “I respect your opinion, and I understand why you made that decision, but I have two sons who need support, not just one. Lucy needs to be there too, Lyn. I really do appreciate your concerns, and I would feel the same in your position, but leaving Lucy behind isn’t fair. Not to her, or to Jason. Look at her.”
All eyes turned to me as tears poured down my face. I was so touched by him fighting for me, and so desperate for them to change their minds, because how the hell was I meant to handle being left behind? How was I supposed to function knowing Jason was hurting and I wasn’t there for him?
“We know it’s hard for Lucy,” Dad said. “But with all due respect, we don’t want Jason relying too heavily on her. I don’t mean that as a slight against Jason, we love him, but Lucy is way too young to have him leaning on her. It’s not fair on her.”
Michael nodded, and I knew he understood their position. The only reason he’d stopped talking was because he didn’t want to put their friendship in jeopardy. I didn’t want that either; things would never be the same without all of us in each other’s lives.
“Why don’t I get a say in this?” I asked, wiping away my tears. “I’m nineteen years old and you’re still making decisions for me. This isn’t how things used to be.” I turned to Mum. “You and Dad have always allowed Ellie and me a lot of freedom, and you’ve let us make our own decisions. Why are you stopping me now?”
“We don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m already hurting!” I snapped. “I’ve been hurting since the second the world found out that Jason kissed me! You’d think the world had ended with the way everyone reacted! And not a single one of you has bothered to ask me how I am because, even though I have done nothing but calmly explain, you still think I’m stupid! Throughout this whole thing I have tried so hard to make just one of you understand, but you’ve all reached your own conclusions. I even came home when I wanted to stay because I knew it was the right thing to do. In return all I’ve got is accusations and assumptions. Right now, all I want to do is get on that plane with you and see the people I care about. It’s not just about Jason, it’s about Drew, and Joey, and Ellie, and Michael. Why don’t I get to be a part of something I’ve been a part of my whole life just because I have feelings for Jason? Why can’t I be there for everyone the way I hope you’d be there for me if I was the one who needed it?”
Silence filled the room. My parents looked at each other, having a conversation with their eyes I couldn’t understand. Maybe I’d said too much. Maybe I’d had the childish tantrum they’d expected me to have when I got home, and proved to them I was too immature to handle this. But dammit, it was killing me to think of my friends suffering, knowing I couldn’t be with them.