Everybody Has Those Thoughts So It Doesn't Mean You're Gay (3 page)

“Well, one of those movies probably had something in common with an experience that you had during the day that you had the dream. So what happened was, first your brain scanned all of its memories for anything that may have been similar to your experiences from that day. And once it found the similarity, the connection was made.

When you had that dream, what your brain was doing was mixing and matching images from different parts of each memory to figure out what else fit. That mixing and matching created a dream about something that you have never done and may not have ever considered.

Dreams aren’t there to tell you what you want or how you should act. They are what’s left over as your brain scans and stores all of your memories.”

“But why was I kissing Billy in the dream?” Jack asked a little sad.

“Because not only does your brain store the things that you see and touch, it also stores the emotions that you had during the day. And in one of the movies that you watched about someone falling off of the path, it probably involved a kiss. When you saw that, you probably felt like those two people had a close connection. So on the day that you had that dream, you probably experienced something that made you feel that you had a close connection with Billy.

Your brain then looked at both of those feelings, and decided that they were similar enough to each other to connect. But your brain, working as efficiently as possible, made the connection by creating a dream where you kissed Billy.

Your brain wasn’t trying to tell you that you wanted to kiss Billy. It was just doing what it does, and creating a connection between memories. Do you understand?”

Jack looked at his dad, amazed. “Yeah, I understand. I guess that makes sense.”

“And don’t worry, everybody has those dreams, so it doesn’t mean you’re gay,” Jack’s dad said with a smile.

Jack remained quiet for the next two holes. He wasn’t playing his best today. He was a little distracted by all of the things that his dad had said.

On the other hand, Jack’s dad was playing better than he ever had. Jack took a moment to try and figure out how his dad was doing it. But instead of asking his father, when Jack spoke, something else came out.

“What if that wasn’t the only thing that happened?” Jack asked while searching his father’s face for a reaction. “I don’t know if I can tell you this one.”

“Why not?” Jack’s dad asked instead of putting into the clown’s mouth.

“Because I don’t know what you’ll say.”

Jack’s dad looked back into his son’s eyes, and Jack slowly shifted his focus to his father’s feet. Jack’s dad thought for a second and then made his putt into the clown’s mouth. When he did the clown started to laugh a creepy fake laughter. Jack’s dad didn’t realize that they had recently fixed the clown. His dad felt bad about the laughter. It wasn’t great timing.

*****

4

Jack’s dad walked over to Jack, got onto his knees and put his hands on Jack’s shoulders.

“I want you to know that there is nothing that you could say, and nothing that you could do that would make me stop loving you. Nothing. Do you understand me?” Jack’s dad asked.

“Yeah,” Jack replied, still looking down.

Jack’s dad touched Jack’s face to bring Jack’s eyes up to his own.

“There is nothing,” Jack’s dad repeated. “So if there is anything that you ever want to talk to me about, I am here to listen.

Sometimes I will be able to offer you some information that will help you. And sometimes I won’t. But you will see that it always feels good when you can talk to someone about what’s on your mind. And I’m always here to listen. Got it?”

“Yeah, I got it,” Jack said with a smile.

“So tell me, what happened.”

“Well, Sandy asked Billy if he wanted a truth or a dare. Billy said dare, so Sandy dared Billy to kiss me. I guess it was because I had just told them about my dream.”

“That’s an unusual dare,” Jack’s dad said, with his thinking look on his face.

“That’s what I thought too. Billy tried to back out of it, but Sandy told him that he had to do it. So Billy asked me if it was alright with me and I said yeah because it was a part of the game. Then we both stood up, and when Billy leaned over…” Jack stopped talking as he gathered himself.

“That’s ok. Go on.”

“I didn’t realize it when I got up but… ummm,” Jack said, struggling to get it out.

“That’s ok, you can say it.”

“I had a boner,” Jack said, looking up into his dad’s eyes. “And Sandy saw it and told Billy. Then Sandy laughed and told me that I was gay.”

“What did Billy do?” Jack’s dad asked.

“First he just stared at me. He didn’t laugh or anything. But after Sandy said I was gay again, Billy looked at me and said ‘yeah dude, you’re gay’.”

“How did that make you feel?” Jack’s dad asked.

“I felt really bad.”

Jack’s dad again put his hand on his son’s shoulders.

“Jack, it’s ok if you’re gay. I would love you just as much no matter what you were.”

“But I’m not gay, dad.”

“Jack, it’s ok if you’re gay. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.”

“But dad, I’m not gay. I like girls.”

“What do you mean you like girls?”

“I like girls,” Jack repeated.

“How do you like girls?”

“Like, I think about kissing them and stuff.”

Jack’s dad wasn’t sure what to say so instead of talking he found his ball and finished out the hole.

“Your putt,” Jack’s dad said, as if Jack hadn’t said anything at all.

Jack finished off the hole as well, but it took three more putts than he thought it should have.

The last hole was a long bumpy putt. You had to hit the ball really hard and let it bounce off the rubber wall and land near the hole. Still without a word, Jack’s dad dropped his ball onto the ground and lined up his putt with the grooves in the artificial grass. Staring at the ground, Jack’s dad was inspired to speak. He turned and looked at his son.

“How long have you been friends with Billy?”

“Ever since I was small,” Jack replied.

“Is he your best friend?” Jack’s dad asked.

“Yeah, he’s my best friend.”

“Have you ever hugged your best friend?” Jack’s dad asked.

“No!”

Jack’s dad was surprised by how quickly Jack answered. “Why not?”

“Because that’s gay!”

Jack’s dad looked a little disappointed at his son’s response. “Well, have you ever just sat with your arm around his shoulder?”

“No,” Jack again replied.

“Why not?”

“Because that’s a little gay too, dad.”

As Jack looked at his father’s face, he could see that his father had heard what he was expecting to hear.

Jack’s dad turned his attention back towards his golf ball. “Have you ever noticed that there are little grooves in the artificial grass?”

“Yeah,” Jack replied.

“Did you ever notice that if you line up your ball with those grooves and you hit the ball just right, the ball will go right into the hole?”

“Yeah, that’s how I always beat my friends,” Jack said with a smile.

“Our brains kind of work like that. If a baby were to look at a golf ball, it wouldn’t mean anything to the baby. That’s because it doesn’t have any memories or feelings connected with golf balls. But if we looked at a golf ball, we would have a whole lot of memories and feelings.

That is because our experiences have made a groove in our brain from our eyes to the memories and feelings that we have about golf balls. We have billions of grooves like this in our brain. Some of those grooves were created as we grew up. And others are grooves we were born with.

One of the grooves that we were born with is connected to being touched and hugged by people that we like. In fact, if babies aren’t touched, they will grow up with disabilities. Being touched is so important to us that our brain releases a chemical that makes us feel very good when we are touched by someone we like. Being touched and hugged by people we like is a groove that we can’t change.

But let’s say that you were to put your golf ball on the front of a groove in the grass. And let’s say that you putt it perfectly and your golf ball traveled right to the hole. But let’s also say that just before the ball fell into the hole, I put my foot on top of the hole. What would happen?”

“It would bounce off your foot,” Jack said, very interested in what his dad was telling him.