Every Tongue Got to Confess (10 page)

One man tole ’im, “Why make ’im talk some, I’ll give you six head of goats, six sheeps, an’ a horse an’ saddle to drive ’im wid.”

John went on back by his master’s house on his horse driving his sheeps and cattle. He jes’ went by so Master could see ’im. So his Master said to ’im, “Oh, John, where did you git all dat?”

He said, “I tole you if you kill my grandma, I’d beatcher makin’ money.”

Master said, “You reckon if I kill mine, I’ll make all dat?”

“Yes, Master, I reckon so.”

So Master runned out dere and cut his grandma’s throat and went uptown hollering, “Grandma for sale!”

Wouldn’t nobody say nothin’ to ’im. Dey thought he wuz crazy. He couldn’t git nuthin’ fur his grandma, so he tole John, “You made me kill my grandma, now I’m gwinter throw you in de river.”

He got ole John in de sack and carried him down to de river, but he forgot his weights and while he wuz goin’ after his weights uh toad frog come by dere and John tole ’im, “If you open dis sack and let me out, I’ll give you uh dollar.”

Toad frog let ’im out, so he got uh soft shell turtle and put it in de sack and two big ole bricks. So Master got his weights an’ come back an’ put ’em on de sack and throwed it in de river.

So ole John went back and got his ole horse hide and went back again calling it, “Fortune teller! Fortune teller!

One rich man said, “Make it talk some, John.”

So John pulled out de stick and hit it an’ said, “Uh man’s in your kitchen in your meat safe.”

De man went in de house and come back and said, “You sho kin tell de truth, make ’im talk some more, John.”

“No, Master, he’s tired now, I got tuh cair ’im home.”

So John went back by his Master’s house wid his horse an’ uh sack uh money tied on de side of his horse. So ole Master said, “Oh John, where’d you git all dat?”

Say, “I tole you if you throw me in de river, I’d beatcher makin’ money.”

So he said to ’im, “Reckon if I let you throw me in dere, I’ll make dat much money?”

John say, “Yes, Master, I know so.”

John got Master in de sack an’ carried ’im down to de river. John didn’t ferget his weights. Put de weights on Ole Master, and just befo’ he thowed ’im out, he said: “Good-bye, Master.”

And dat wuz de last of Ole Master, cause he wuz crazy enough tuh let John throw ’im in de river.

—J
ULIUS
H
ENRY
(variant of a tale from Hans Andersen).

Master had got kinder good tuh Jack, an’ let ole Jack stay in de house; an’ he decided he’d go tuh town dat night—an’ left Jack dere wid his wife.

While he wuz gone, Jack got in de bed wid his wife. Master forgot his pocketbook an’ decided he wouldn’t go dat night—he’d wait till tomorrow morning. So he turnt roun’ an’ came back an’ hitched de horse an’ knocked on de do’, an’ Jack says: “Who dat?”

“It’s Marster.”

Old Jack jumped up out de bed an’ says: “Master, kin I have one of dem sweet potatoes?” He says, “Yes, an’ one of dem buttered
biscuits?” “Yes.” He walked past an’ said to Master’s wife: “Wuzn’t dat uh sharp turn?”

Master said to ’im: “Whut kinder sharp turn is dat yo’ talkin’ about?”

Jack says, “Nuthin, Master, just dropped mah biscuit and de butter side turned up.”

—J
ULIUS
H
ENRY.

Sambo

One time Master had a nigger named Sambo. He had been working Sambo pretty hard. Sambo played sick for seven years and every time dey carried Sambo something tuh eat, he’d tell ’im, “Put de pan uh peas up, an’ hand me down mah banjo. I done fooled Master seven years and specks tuh fool ’im seven mo’.”

Sambo would have ’im up dere doin’ de buzzard lope
*
and dancing, and den he’d have dem tuh pick de banjo and let ’im do de buzzard lope.

De people got tired uh totin’ Sambo grub and tole Master ’bout it. Tole Master, Sambo wuzn’t sick. Master didn’t b’lieve it. He jes knowed Sambo wuz sick, and they tole him Sambo wuzn’t sick cause he had dem up dere dancin’ every day and picking de banjo, and tole ’im, say, “Ef, you don’t b’lieve it, you go up dere tomorrow when we go tuh cair Sambo’s dinner, and stand on de outside and listen.”

So Massa went up dere and evedropped Sambo and heard him in dere dancing. So Massa walked in and Sambo stopped
dancing and said, “Is dat you, Massa? I’m gwinter ketch de mule now.”

—C
HRISTOPHER
J
ENKINS.

Another nigger and his sone stole some meat from de white folks. So they caught ’em. Ole Massa says, “I’m going to whip you niggers till you own up.”

De ole nigger says to his boy, “Take two hundred and keep you mouf.” They lit in on de boy and they lashed him. His daddy kept on hollern, “Stand up to him and don’t talk.” So de boy took two hundred lashes and never cheeped.

Then they grabbed de ole man and tied him down and begin to lay it on him. When they hit him five licks he says, “Untie me, white folks, and I’m gwine git your meat for you.”

—B
ABY-FACE
T
URL
.

Once in slavery time Ole Massa had his niggers out workin’. Man, he uster work his niggers, too. So one day when he wuz out in de fiel’ uh big rain come up. They all run into de barn, Ole Massa wid ’em.

Massa says, “I hates dat rain come up. I wants tuh git uh heap uh work did tuhday.”

Ole John over in de corner say, “Mo’ rain, mo’ rest.”

Ole Massa say, “Whut you say, John?”

John say, “Mo’ rain, mo’ grass.”

—E
UGENE
O
LIVER
.

Dis nigger wuz workin’ for a white man down in de new ground cuttin’ up logs for wood. He set down all day long till he hear de boss man coming, den he hit on de log wid de heel of de axe. “Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk—think I’m working, but I ain’t.”

De white man seen ’im, but he didn’t say nothing. Sat’day night Sam come up to git his wages. White man took out a handful of silver dollars and shook them in de nigger’s face and says, “Unh hunh—clank, clank, clank—think I’m goin’ pay you, but I ain’t.”

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

Once in slavery, Ole Massa had uh nigger he uster pet. He tole ’im once tuh go out and get ’im a deer. Some more niggers went long wid him, but Ole Massa let his favorite take his best gun.

When dey got out in de woods, dey sprung uh deer. De man dat had Massa’s new gun waited down de hill, and another went up de hill and headed de deer down. He hollered tuh de one wid de new gun, “Here he come, shoot ’im!”

De nigger didn’t pay no ’tention tuh him. He hollered again, “Sam, he’s coming down, shoot ’im!”

Still he didn’t make uh move. De deer run on past ’im and got clean away. De other nigger come running down de hill and ast, “Say Sam, why didn’t you kill dat deer?”

Sam say, “Nigger, is you crazy, think I’m gointer sprain Massa’s gun shooting up hill wid it?”

—W
ILLIE
R
OBERTS.

Ole Massa took uh nigger deer-huntin’ an’ posted him in uh place an’ tole ’im, he says, “Now, you wait right here an’ keep yo’ gun ready. Ah’m goin’ roun’ de hill an’ skeer up de deer an’ head ’im dis way. When he come past, you shoot ’im.”

De nigger said, “Yessir, Ah sho will, Massa.” He sot dere an’ waited wid de gun all cocked an’ after while de deer come on
past. Pretty soon de white man come on round de hill an’ ast ’im did he kill de deer. De nigger says, “Ah ain’t seed no deer pass here yit.”

“Yes, you did, too, cause he come right disa way. You couldn’t he’p but see ’im.”

“Well Ah sho ain’t seed none. All Ah seed wuz uh white man come long by here wid uh pack uh cheers on his head an’ Ah tipped mah hat tuh ’im.”

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

Once there wuz an old colored man and he walk long one day and he found a gold watch and chain. He didn’t know whut it wuz, so the first thing he met wuz a white man and he ast de man whut wuz it. White man told him, “Lemme see it.”

He give it to him and de white man put it in his own pocket and told him next time he found one like dat it wuz a gold watch, and the next thing he find kicking in the road put it in his pocket and sell it.

So he walked on down de road a piece further and walked upon a tarrypin kicking in de road. So he picked him up and tied a string on to him and put him in his pocket and let de string hang out.

So he met another colored fellow and fellow ast him, he says: “Cap, whut time you got?”

He pulled him out and told him, “Quarter to leben and kicking lak hell for twelve.”

—W
ILL
T
HOMAS.

Once uh white man took his nigger wid him tuh see his girl. He lef’ de nigger outside in de buggy an’ he went inside an’ called on his girl. When he got ready tuh leave he ast fuh his hat, an’ when he got tuh de door, he ast her fuh
uh kiss. She acted lak girls do an’ tole ’im: “Ah can’t do so now; but maybe when you come agin Ah’ll be able tuh gratify yo’ wishes.”

He said good-bye tuh her an’ got in de buggy an’ de nigger drove ’im on home; but he had done noticed whut de white man done. De nigger gal dat dressed de white girl, she wuz listenin’, too, an’ she heered all her mistis had done tole her feller; so when dis coachman come tuh see her an’ he set uh while, an’ when he got his hat tuh go, he ast her fuh uh kiss. She tole ’im: “Ah can’t do so now, but nex’ time you comes Ah hopes tuh be able tuh grabble in yo’ britches.”

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

Well, it come uh famine an’ all de crops wuz dried up an’ Brother John had prayed last year for rain an’ it rained; so they all ’sembled at de church an’ called on John tuh pray, an’ he got down an’ prayed:

“Lord, first thing, I want you tuh understand that dis ain’t no nigger talking tuh you. This is uh white man talking tuh you now an’ I want you tuh
hear
me. I don’t worry an’ bother you all de time like dese niggers, an’ when I do ast uh favor I want it
granted
. Now, Lord, I want some rain. Our crops is all burnin’ up, an’ I want you tuh send rain. I don’t mean fuh you to come in uh hell of uh storm lak you done las’ year. You kicked up as much racket as niggers at uh barbecue. I mean fuh you tuh come quiet an’ easy. Now, another blessing I want tuh ast of you, Lord. Don’t let dese niggers be as sassy as they have in the past. Keep ’em in their places, Lord. Amen.”

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

You know, niggers is so skeered uh white folks dat one time two men wuz roofin’ uh house an’ one of ’em slipped an’ fell off de house. When he wuz half-way tuh de groun’ he give up tuh die; but he seen he wuz ’bout tuh fall on uh white woman—so he turnt right roun’ and fell back upon dat house.

—L
ARKINS
W
HITE
.

’Twuz uh white lady walkin’ cross de street. Uh colored man stood looking after her as she passed by. She looked nice tuh him, so he said: “Long dere’s life dere’s hopes.”

He didn’t see a white man standing right behind him. So de white man said, “Yes, an’ long as dere’s a limb, dere’s ropes.”

—R
AYMOND
M
C
G
ILL.

In Mississippi a black horse run away with a white lady. When they caught the horse they lynched him, and they hung the harness and burnt the buggy.

—A
RTHUR
H
OPKINS.

Uh man wuz hunting before hunting season. De game warden slipped upon ’im and said: “I hafter arrest you fer killing game dat you oughten tuh. No need looking so wild and so fear, I have a thirty-two hanging right here.”

Dis is whut de nigger told him: “Mister Game Warden, would you ’rest me fur dat?”

“I’ll hafter ’rest you. I know jest where you wuz at. I could have ’rest you when you wuz comin’ through towm, but I knowed damn well I’d have tuh run you down.”

He taken him up to de courthouse and de gam warden said: “I have uh man fur killin’ uh squirrel.”

Judge: “Yes, we’re not going to give him a whirl.”

Game Warden: “We have uh man for killing a deer.”

Judge: “We’ll just have to give him one year.”

Game Warden: “We have uh man fur killin’ a quail.”

Judge: “Dat’s white folks’ meat. We’ll put him under de jail.”

—F
LOYD
T
HOMAS.

Durin’ slavery time they didn’t ’low niggers tuh eat biscuit bread; but Ole Miss had uh cook dat uster steal biscuits an’ eat ’em. Ole Miss had uh parrot dat roosted out in de kitchen an’ tole her all dat went on.

One day, jus’as she taken some biscuits out de pan, she heard Ole Miss comin’ so she hid de biscuits under de cushion in de cheer an’ made out lak she wuz busy doin’ somethin’ else. De parrot saw her, but she wuzn’t payin’ him no mind. Ole Miss started tuh set down in de cheer an’ de parrot hollered: “Hot biscuits, Ole Miss! Burn yo’ behind
*
!” He kept dat up till she looked under de cushion an’ foun’ de bread. Then she had forty lashes put on dat cook’s back.

Dat made de cook mad wid dat ole parrot, so one day when Ole Miss wuz gone away, she turned her clothes up over her head an’ backed up tuh de parrot an’ it skeered ’im so bad till he dropped dead. Ever since den, if uh parrot sees uh naked behind he’ll drop dead.

—B
ERTHA
A
LLEN.

During slavery time two ole niggers wuz talkin’ an’ one said tuh de other one: “Ole Massa made me so mad yis-tiddy till I give ’im uh good cussin’ out. Man, I called ’im
everything
wid uh handle on it.”

De other one says, “You didn’t cuss
Ole Massa,
didja? Good God! Whut did he do tuh yuh?”

“He didn’t do
nothin’
, an’ man, I laid one cussin’ on ’im! I’m uh man lak dis, I won’t stan’ no hunchin! I betcha he won’t bother
me
no mo’.”

“Well, if you cussed ’im an’ he didn’t do nothin’ tuh you, de nex’time he make me mad I’m goin’tuh lay uh hearin’on him.”

Nex’ day de nigger did somethin’, Ole Massa got in behind ’im an’ he turnt round an’ give Ole Massa one good cussin’. An’ Ole Massa had ’im took down an’ whupped nearly tuh death. Nex’ time he saw dat other nigger he says tuh ’im: “Thought you tole me you cussed Ole Massa out an’ he never opened his mouf!”

“I did.”

“Well, how come he never did nothin’ tuh yuh? I did it an’ he come nigh killin’ uh
me
.”

“Man, you didn’t go cuss ’im tuh his face, didja?”

“Sho I did. Ain’t dat whut you tole me you done?”

“Naw, I didn’t say I cussed ’im tuh his face. You sho is crazy. Man, I thought you had mo’ sense than dat. When I cussed Ole Massa he wuz settin’ on de front porch an’ I wuz down at de big gate.”

De other nigger wuz mad, but he didn’t let on. Way afterwhile he ’proached de nigger dat got ’im de beatin’ an’ tole ’im: “Know whut I done tuhday?”

“Naw, whut you done—give Ole Massa ’nother cussin’?”

“Naw, I ain’t never goin’ do dat no mo’. I peeped up under Ole Misses drawers.”

“Man, hush yo’ mouf! You knows you ain’t looked up under Ole Misses clothes!”

“Yes I did, too. I looked right up intuh her very drawers!”

“You better hush dat talk! Somebody goin’ hear you an’ Ole Massa’ll have you kilt.”

“Well, I sho done it an’ she never done nothin’ neither.”

“Well, whut did she say?”

“Not uh mumblin’ word; an’ I stopped an’ looked jus’ as long as I wanted tuh an’ went on ’bout my business.”

“Well, de nex’ time I see her settin’ out on de porch I’m goin’ tuh look, too.”

“Help yo’self.”

Dat very day Ole Miss wuz settin’ out on de proch in de cool uh de evenin’ all dressed up in her starchy white clothes. She had her legs all crossed up an’ de nigger walked up tuh de edge uh de porch an’ peeped up under Ole Misses clothes. She took an hollered an’ Ole Massa come out an’ had dat nigger almost kilt alive.

When he wuz able tuh be about agin he said tuh de other nigger: “Thought you tole me you peeped up under Ole Misses drawers?”

“I sho did.”

“Well, how come she never done nothin’ tuh
you
? She got me nearly kilt.”

“Man, when I looked up under Ole Misses drawers they wuz hangin’ out on de clothes line. You didn’t go look up in ’em while she had ’em on, didja? You sho is uh fool! I thought you had mo’ sense than dat, I ’clare I did. It’s uh wonder he didn’t kill you dead. Umph, umph, umph! You sho ain’t got no sense atall.”

—C
LIFFORD
U
LMER.
*

During slavery there was a girl who tattled to the white folks. If the Negroes said just the smallest thing, she would run and blab it, so they named her Moufy Emma.

When she was sent to the well for water, she would stand
around to hear what the other slaves had to say so she could tell it when she went back to the big house. But one thing—she was crazy about pomegranites.

She had got some slaves whipped to death and some others beat up pretty bad; so they decided to get rid of her before she killed any more—so they poisoned a pomegranite and laid it on the well.