Jacob, as I learned, was the executive assistant for Jasper Carrington. Though I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t help prying for information on Shelby. From what I had seen via PING, I really worried how close Eddie was getting to her. Last I knew she was emotionally vulnerable to controlling men like her father, and I knew Eddie, with his anger issues and his alcohol abuse, was more than just a broken heart waiting to happen. He could cause her physical harm. I said as much to Jacob. Iris, who was the first to notice the bruises and bring it to Vanni’s attention, echoed my concerns.
I repeated the whole sordid tale to him, finally admitting to Iris about the video tape he still held as ammunition against both Jace and me. “So you see what kind of a bind we’re in. If we show her the video tape of Eddie confessing all his plans, he no longer has any reason to keep that sex tape under wraps. It’d devastate both our careers.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Jacob said. “They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity. It would definitely keep you in the headlines.”
I shook my head. “If that tape releases, my career is over. PING and their ilk are chomping at the bit to find any reason at all to crucify me. I’m not some sexpot celebrity hordes of men already stalk via the Internet. A sex tape with someone like me would land me in the headlines for all the wrong reasons. It would turn off potential fans and essentially make me and everyone associated with me into a laughing stock. I’d lose all the credibility I’ve fought so hard to establish. And how would that help me sell the new video, or the song for the movie, or the voiceover work for a kids’ movie?”
Jacob and Iris shared a look.
Finally Jacob said, “I think you’re overstating the significance of a sex tape scandal. Yes, it would suck for a while. But you definitely have the talent to come back from it. Besides, I think it would be brave as hell for you to tackle it now as you are establishing yourself. Talk about being fierce! That would be flouting convention at its very best.”
I laughed. “Talk to me after this infernal video shoot.”
Iris patted my hand. “You’re going to be great. You just have to keep telling yourself it’s OK to be sexy.”
If either of them noticed the subtle shudder that ran through my body at the thought, they mercifully didn’t point it out. Neither one of them understood that baring that side of myself had little to do with my shitty self-image. Sure, I was worried about the extra bulges and the double chin and the flappy, saggy skin. But what worried me more wasn’t the score of men who would be turned off by what they saw.
I was used to that. Hell, I often welcomed it.
What scared me the most
? Attracting the few who liked it so much they would inevitably want more than what I wanted to give. To know they were out there, looking at photos without my consent, using me to get their jollies as if I didn’t warrant a say in the process, was eerily familiar and discomforting.
These feelings
went into overdrive as Amelie dressed me. She helped me into the beige, strapless bodysuit under the silky negligee, but it did precious little to make me feel anymore dressed. Instead I felt like a sausage bound up in half a casing.
I fought every urge to cover myself after she slipped the silky material over my shoulder
s. When she draped the cape across my chest to apply my makeup, I clutched it to my chest like a suit of armor. It didn’t help when Emma and Griffin showed up. He had no problem stripping down to the tight pair of jeans he was required to wear for the shoot. I was more covered than he was. Turned out Roxy had done this on purpose. She took issue with how the music industry displayed women like sexy, pretty accessories for fully dressed men, subtly indicating that the person who was fully dressed was in a position of power. She wanted to even the playing field. And she decided to do that with my video.
It was a statement about female sexuality, not just in the music industry but society as a whole.
Griffin didn’t seem to mind. He was a notorious ladies’ man but seemed willing to do double duty as a shameless loverboy.
I, on the other hand, felt
totally ridiculous as I walked into the purple bedroom where all the cameras and lights were set up for the shoot. I almost wished that Felix Soto, Dreaming in Blue’s most medicated drummer, was there to give me one of his magical cookies.
As it was, I had to grit my teeth and muscle through it with no intoxicants whatsoever. This turned out being a good thing, considering the clinical nature of the shoot. I had envisioned how it would go throughout the days leading up to shoot. I listened to my song, running the scenario over and over in my head
, as some sort of awkward seduction that would rise to a painful crescendo before it blissfully ended. The video, instead, was shot out of sequence with two or three takes of each shot. They kept retouching my makeup and my hair, in between, which made it even harder to establish the kind of character she wanted me to portray.
Not to mention
it was downright impossible to get sexy while Griffin was watching me from where he sat, cross-legged, on the floor. I was literally on the spot as I tried to forget about all the people and the cameras and just get lost in the song.
Roxy had to start over more than once. Finally she walked over to where I stood to lean in towards me for a more private conversation. “Is there a problem, Jordi?”
My voice was defeated. “I told you. This isn’t me.”
“I don’t believe that,” she said. “This is a part of who you are.
I hear it in your voice. And I know there are a lot of voices out there trying to tell you that there’s something wrong with you. They’re full of shit. The reason you are where you are is because you have something other people want. You make people pay attention. Own that power. It’s something special.”
I glanced over to Griffin, who was leaning close to Emma as they chatted privately. Any straight girl in her right mind would have no problem sexing up the hot Aussie rocker, yet I was hopelessly inept… mostly because I knew it was all a ruse.
Almost everything he had done up until this point was, in some form or fashion, a rejection, so it was all I could really expect from him. Knowing that I could no more seduce someone like Griffin than lasso the moon prevented me from fully letting go. I already played that game in Oswen when I was chasing after Eddie, when I had ignored these signs and pursued him beyond the subtle rejection that came hand-in-hand with being a backseat booty call. Worse, when I got what I wanted, by being wanted, I had paid a heavy price for his change of heart. It was all a lie then. And it was all a lie now.
Roxy consulted briefly with Griffin, and then announced that the “sex” shots were next. I couldn’t even feel my legs as I walked over to the bed, where he sprawled out effortlessly. Woodenly I sat down next to him as Roxy directed us. “OK, Griffin. You think she is the sexiest woman alive. You can’t believe that you are here with her in this bed, in her arms.
It is every fantasy realized.”
He nodded as his arm slid around my shoulder. Roxy turned to me. “Jordi, he’s the hottest guy you’ve ever met. You’ve been dreaming of this moment for months, to get him alone, to feel his body next to yours. Give me that heat of delicious anticipation.”
I think I nodded but it was hard to know for sure as Griffin pulled me down on the bed next to him. He was so close I could smell the cologne from his bare skin. I gulped as his finger trailed up my arm and around my neck to tangle his fingers in my hair. My eyes locked on his mouth. I tried my hardest to remember the first time I was with Jace, and how liberated I felt when he looked at me and held me and touched me. In Griffin’s eyes, however, I saw every thin girl he had lusted over – for real – from the time I first walked into the studio. Was he disgusted to be holding my generous curves in arms conditioned to fit smaller, prettier women close to his sinewy body? Was this just one more thing to endure? Did he regret ever agreeing to work with me, now that I had come with all these uncomfortable complications?
I couldn’t bear to look into those dark brown eyes to answer those questions. Instead I looked at that supple mouth, one that had no doubt brought pleasure to many women before me, and in much more authentic circumstances.
He bent to nuzzle my neck and the shock of his warm breath against my ear made me gasp. “Relax, love,” he whispered. “Let yourself go with it.”
My eyes fluttered closed. The second they did, I saw Shane hovering over me, issuing the same commands almost verbatim. For a second I couldn’t even breathe. I forgot about the cameras, Roxy, Griffin and the video. Instead I was a six-year-old girl in the arms of a predator. My eyes snapped open as I stifled a scream. I scrambled away from Griffin and bolted from that purple bedroom out onto the balcony for some fresh air.
Griffin found me there a few minutes later. “Jordi,” he called uncertainly as he stepped through the French doors. “Are you OK?”
I nodded, though I couldn’t look him in the eye. “Sorry. It’s been a long day.”
He joined me at the railing. “If I crossed a line back there…”
I shook my head. “No. You were great. The problem is with me, Griffin. I knew this was a bad idea.”
“It’s actually a killer idea,” Griffin corrected. “This video is going to raise eyebrows and piss people off and make people think. It’ll do what good art is supposed to do.”
“Perhaps it would be better served with the right professionals, then. I’m no actress.”
He chuckled. “Bullshit. You can’t be in this business and not be an actor in some way. You have to smile pretty for the cameras when you feel like shit. You have to go out on stage, show after show, even when the last thing you feel like doing is perform.” His eyes met mine. “You have to walk past all those parasitic paparazzi without kicking them right in the balls like they deserve.”
I laughed. “True.”
“We lose our humanity in a lot of ways,” he said as he stared out over the city. “You can’t have an opinion or make a mistake. The whole world is watching, but they are picky about what they want to see. But that’s not your problem, love.”
I smiled. “You’re like the fifth person to tell me that in a week.”
“Then when are you going to listen?” he asked.
“It’s not a matter of listening, Griffin. I hear what you’re saying. I know it’s true. I just don’t know how to change the way I feel.”
He straightened and held out a hand. “Do those things they tell you that you can’t do. Then, and only then, will you see how full of shit all the naysayers really are.”
I gulped back any refusal and put my hand in his. As I started to walk back into the penthouse, however, he pulled me back and right into his arms. I was reminded in an instant that he was half-naked and I was in a thin nightgown. My voice was panicked as I croaked, “What are you doing?”
“Dancing,” he said against my ear as he pulled me tight against his body.
“Why?” I asked breathlessly.
“Because I’m a lonely musician in love with a pop star diva, and this is my first chance to get her alone,” he explained softly as we swayed together. “I want to feel her in my arms. I want to connect with her at last.” He pulled back to look down into my face. “Tell me what that diva wants.”
“She wants…” I started, but the words wouldn’t come any further than my locked throat.
I gulped.
“Tell me, Jordi,” he urged softly. “You finally have the man of your dreams in your arms. What are you going to do?”
I shook my head. “Griffin…”
“Nothing is off limits,” he continued softly. “No restrictions. No rejection.” He tipped my chin up with his finger. “No apologies.”
I nodded. I took a deep breath as my arms slipped around his neck and my fingers ran through the silky short strands of his hair. But as much as I wanted to let myself go into the character, this wasn’t my Jace. And it felt wrong.
I started to withdraw. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
He held me tight. His eyes fell toward my mouth, and I couldn’t move away as his head descended toward my own. Though the video only called for a near-kiss, Griffin’s lips covered my own. For one split moment, something sizzled between us that felt almost a little too real, and it made both of us break apart almost simultaneously. In his eyes I could see that he instantly regretted the spontaneous method acting. If he had forgotten I wasn’t one of his paper dolls for the sake of the photo shoot, he instantly remembered the minute my lips parted in shock under his. “I’m sorry,” he was quick to offer, but I fled from the balcony and escaped into the bathroom to put as many barriers between me and this confusing guitarist as possible.
New York City, NY
June 30, 2012
Though I knew it did nothing for my “diva” reputation, I left the penthouse that night without finishing the shoot. Emma, not Griffin, had texted me more than once to extend his apologies for his “unprofessional behavior.” It annoyed me even further that he couldn’t be bothered to say he was sorry personally. I could only assume that he was likely still disgusted by our little rehearsal gone awry.
Corey wanted to know all the details of my exciting shoot the minute I walked through the door, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what had happened. I felt like a colossal failure both as a performer and as a woman. There was only one person who could help me now.