Entangled (55 page)

I step onto the subway and head back to Spencer’s. I clutch my phone in my hand, tightly, silently praying Maddy is doing okay. It’s stupid of me to think she could be. I left her at the worst time. I wonder if she’d gotten my letter, if she read it or if she just threw it away. I didn’t expect her to acknowledge it yet a selfish part of me hopes that she misses me as much as I miss her. One thing is for sure, I did hurt us both, and sacrifice both of our happiness.

During the ride, I observe people around me, their interactions and body language, smiling or sad faces, hand gestures, since I can’t really hear any particular conversation clearly. I study them all. A young couple my age, sit at the far end of the subway, remind me of Maddy and me, happy, in love and unable to keep their hands off each other. I try to look away so I don’t appear stalker-ish, but my eyes remain fixed on them. They’re both smiling and touching each other, laughing and kissing. A smile spreads across my face and I can’t stop it. They look sweet and happy. God, I wonder if we looked like that to everyone else. We were just happy, in each other’s company. But there’s something wonderful about having a special person in your life who can make your shitty day turn happy with just a smile or a laugh or kind words.

I watch them, their hands clasped together, their bodies only inches apart as he plants a tender kiss on her forehead the way I used to, and she looks up adoringly, the way Maddy used to look at me. I know I told her to move on and damn, I wish I hadn’t. But either way, I couldn’t expect her to wait around for something that may never happen. What does that say about me? I think she’s the only one for me, and even if there are others for me, she’s the only one I want.

I look away finally and take out my MP3 player and stick my earplugs in, closing my eyes as the music takes me to another place. Sonny Bono drones in my ears the lyrics to With or Without You, how ironic is this shit.

But I listen anyway, because even though the lyrics tell the story of my life, I just have to hear it. One of the biggest commonality we both share is music and the love of lyrics. Being on my own much of my life, I developed an obsession to music with powerful words that heal or wound. It’s the melody as well, and my melody is a sad one.

My phone vibrates in my lap, close to my crotch and I jump. A curse flies out of my mouth as I drop my player and quickly answer it with a grunt.

“Hey Noah, where are you?”

“On the subway, back to your place.” My eyes follow the couple as they scramble out of the subway at their stop.

“Okay, do you want to go out tonight?”

“No, I’ve been out already and it’s late. Plus I’m cold and wet, in need of a shower. Oh yeah, and I ran into my father.”

It’s nearing three am, and I’m wide awake, not to mention, buzzed. Spencer had alcohol waiting for me, alright. He also had an apartment full of strangers. I’m not even sure he knew them all. I kept to myself, observing from the outside. A poker game was going on.

“Hey, you look bored.” An attractive redhead sits beside me. I barely notice her.

“I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.”

She crosses her bare legs and sets her hands in her lap. I finally turn my head in her direction. She’s pretty, I’ll give her that. Her skirt leaves little to the imagination and would probably have most guys foaming at the mouth. But I’m not most guys anymore. She’s not my type, which really, no one is type anymore, except Maddy. I know, it’s totally stupid but it’s true.

I’m surprised the cops haven’t gotten called by now, it’s loud. Especially when the guys yell during their poker game.

“Would you like another beer?” She asks, glancing at my near-empty bottle. I hold it up to my face, inspecting it, before taking my last swig. “No thanks, I’m good.” She crosses her arms and studies me, curiously. “You know, life sucks.” I start to slur my words, feeling the effects.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because, if you want something so bad in life, you have to give it up, otherwise it could ruin someone else’s life. Wait, I’m not making any sense. I mean-“

“I think I know what you mean. Does this have to do with a girl?”

“Doesn’t it always?” She shrugs, “I guess. I don’t get that saying, if you love someone you have to set them free. What the fuck does that even mean?”

I stand up, swaying a little. “I don’t know, but it sounds stupid. I’m going to bed, now.” I search for Spencer, bumping shoulders and spilling beers. I just don’t care. I need to sleep. He’s at the poker table, so I walk around to his side and whisper in his ear that I’m going to bed. “Can I take your bed tonight?”

“Oh yeah, sure go ahead. I’ll crash on the couch, if I even go to sleep.” I thank him and bid him goodnight and retreat to his room where I remove my shirt and shoes and pants, sleeping only in my boxers. Sinking into his comfy bed, I lie there awake, gazing at the ceiling in thought.

Tomorrow is a new day. It’s also a day in which I’ll be facing my past, a day I’ve been avoiding for too long. All I need is the strength to go through with it.

Chapter 63

Noah

“Well, I’m here now. I know it took years but better late than never, right?” Standing in front of her grave feels strange. Spencer offered to come but I finally declined, needing to be a man and face my mistakes the way I should have all along. It took every ounce of strength for me to get here. But it was time.

I kneel in front of her tombstone, tracing the letters of her name. Closing my eyes, I take a deep shuddering breath. “I’m so sorry Lex. I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I could take that night back. Why did you have to argue with me? Why did you have to drive home? I came to pick you up and you were gone. My life hasn’t been the same since. I miss you. God dammit, why did I leave you? It’s all my fault.” Tears pour down my cheeks and I choke the words out. My heart hurts, filled with regret, guilt and pain that won’t ever go away. “I loved you. You were my best friend. Don’t ever forget that. You’re still my best friend, you hear?” I look up at the sky. “How do I move on?” I sit with my knees against my chest. “Thank you for always being there for me. I’ll never forget you, ever. I fucking love you and I’m so fucking sorry. God…” I’m hunched over, holding my stomach, feeling the urge to throw up as the image of her mangled body fills my mind. I cry it all out. I cry until my eyes are puffy and stinging.

I don’t know how long I’m here or when the tears finally stopped. I sit, staring at her tombstone, numb. I feel nothing. What was supposed to happen? Did I really expect it to help with my conscience? My eyes hurt while my nose feels like a faucet that won’t stop leaking, broken. Just the way I feel. I rise to my feet, unsteadily and look at her name one last time. It’s just too hard to come here. Although, I feel a tiny bit lighter after releasing all the hurt and emotion. Whether she heard me or not, I said what I needed to. I just wish I had the courage to face her parents, knowing they hate me. I don’t blame them. I kiss two fingers and touch the top. “Goodbye Lex. You’ll be missed. Hope you found peace, wherever you are.” If only I could find it too. Will this ever get easier?

“Noah?” A voice behind freezes me. I swallow, uncertain if my mind is playing tricks on me or if it’s real. I don’t move. “Noah is that you?” No, it can’t be. I slowly turn around, standing face to face with Lex’s parents, Sandy and Rick. I glance at the flowers that are meant for their daughter’s grave and tears sting my eyes. I thought I cried them all out. How many tears do our eyes produce?

“Hi.” I say weakly. This is awkward.

“Noah, its…nice to see you.” Sandy is trying to hold back her own tears. Tears of anger or sorrow, I don’t know. But the tears are there because of me.

“I was just leaving.” My feet pick up as I dash away from Lex, the cemetery, and her parents. Shame.

I get in the car but don’t start it. I sit with my head on the steering wheel. That was my chance to talk to them, to tell them how much I regret that night, how sorry I am for taking their daughter from them. But I just walked away, ran away to be precise. Just like a coward. It’s what I do. I run when life gets rough. Just like I ran away from Maddy. Fuck! I yell and beat on the steering wheel.

After taking a long, deep breath, I decide right then and there to get out of the car and face them, face my mistake like a man. I can’t move on until I do. I owe it to them. To Lex and to myself. I let out another breath and look to the left, at the gravesite, they’re still there, standing in front of their daughter’s headstone. I open the door, quietly closing it, which makes no sense given the fact that they’re across the street and can’t hear from this far.

I shove my hands deep into my pockets, my nerves pitter patter in every direction, making it difficult to breathe. I approach them quietly, playing in my head what I might say to them. When they turn, they see me. “Noah.” Sandy says, startled.

“Listen, I just came back to tell you…to say. I have a lot to say, before you unleash your wrath on me, which I fully deserve. I just need to get it all out.” They look at each other, confused so I go on. “You’ll never know how sorry I am for what happened to Lex. I loved your daughter so much. She meant more to me than my life. I would never intentionally hurt her. I’m so damn, so so sorry. I…I can’t say it enough. I wish I could take that night back. God, I want her back.” I fall to my knees and bury my face in my hands. I sob, years of regret that I’d never let out, never let free. I feel a set of arms envelope me in warmth and I unintentionally lean into them, uncertain why I’m the one being comforted.

“Oh Noah, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how responsible you felt.” I look at her in disbelief.

“Of course I feel responsible. It was my fault. We went to a party, got into an argument, I left her and then when I came back, she was gone. I got there too late and when I found her…” I choke back another sob. “It was too late. She’d been drinking and lost control of the car and ended in a ditch. I’ve lived everyday with this regret, this guilt and it’s driven me mad. I couldn’t save her. I failed her. It’s my fault.”

“Please don’t blame yourself.” I look up into her tear-filled eyes. She must notice the shock that registers, she goes on to clarify. “I was told by an old friend that was at the party that she’d left. She told Lex to call you and get a ride but Lex didn’t listen. Apparently she had a fight with someone and was so mad, she wanted to leave. I don’t know the whole story, but I know you weren’t to blame.” Registering her words, it still came back to me leaving her. If I’d been there, she would have gone home with me.

“If I’d stayed there, she wouldn’t have gone off on her own. Or at least I would’ve taken her keys from her so she couldn’t drive. So either way, I’m still to blame.”

“You know how stubborn she was.” I can’t imagine how she could be so calm about this.

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve stuck around. You don’t know what that night has done to me all these years.” As soon as the words are out, I regret them. Of course she knows, she was affected too. She stands up and offers her hand to me; I hesitate before taking it, letting her pull me up. “Come over and have some lunch. We can talk.” I look over at Rick who is quieter than
normal. I can sense his uncertainty, feel his anger radiating off his body. He’s never liked me. I don’t blame him for feeling disdain towards me.

I run my hands through my hair, completely taken aback by the offer. Do I want to go back to their house? It’ll only remind me that she’s really gone. How can I stand to be there when everything reminds me of her? As much as I want to back out, I can’t say no. I meet her hopeful gaze and muster a smile. “Okay. I’ll meet you there. I guess.”

My head is clouded as I drive less than five miles to a house in which is filled with more memories than my own. I have to be strong. I can’t imagine what her parents went through right after the accident. I can do this, for Lex.

Entering a house I somewhat grew up in is difficult but I swallow my anger and guilt. I can’t imagine how her parents got along in this house, without her. I can almost hear the laughter as I walk through the door once Sandy holds it open. The pleasant sound that always brightened up my shitty days. “Would you like some pizza?”

I freeze, surprised and overwhelmed by her kindness. I don’t deserve it. Why is she being so nice to me? Why can’t she yell at me and call me every curse word in the dictionary, like I’d been expecting. “Why are you being so nice? I don’t deserve this Sandy. I don’t deserve pizza. I don’t deserve your kindness or your forgiveness.”

She holds up her hand, “Stop it; I’ve already told you, it’s not your fault. You may feel responsible, but I’m not holding it against you, Noah. I’m just trying to be nice. It happened and we can’t take that night back. Holding grudges won’t bring her back, hating each other won’t either. You can accept some pizza or not. It’s your choice. I’m past the hating the world part. I’ve been there and it did nothing for me except almost end my marriage.”

“Sure, that’d be great.” I interrupt, trying to appease her. I look around the living room at their piano next to the window. They’ve had it for years. I used to play on it. It’s now decorated with family photos and…her graduation photo. I almost collapse to my knees, remembering taking our pictures that day.

Jesus, this is fucking hard. I shouldn’t be here.