Enchanted and Desired (44 page)

My heart stops beating for a moment, the gravity of what I’m about to hear weighing down on me. I’m terrified, but I need to know. I turn around to my daughter, taking one last long look, before steeling myself to go and find out about Jess.

“Ti amo Tesorina. I’ll be back soon.”

I can barely put one foot in front of the other as I make my way up to the waiting room, and when I finally open the door, everyone is looking at me expectantly, disappointment evident on their faces.

“Where’s the doctor?”

Brandon stands up. “She’ll be here any minute.” He pulls me into a hug. “Did you go to see the baby?” I manage a small smile as I remember her beautiful little face.

“Yeah. She’s so fucking tiny, and beautiful, and amazing. She looks just like Jess. She’s got tubes coming out of her all over the place, but she’s hanging in there…waiting to meet her mommy.”

The door swings open, and Doctor Field walks in, looking exhausted and drained.

“Mr. Mantovani.” A high pitched whistling sound is all I hear; my body fighting against the possibility of hearing that Jess didn’t make it. That she’s…gone.

“Your wife made it through surgery. She’s a tough woman.” I drop onto my knees, my legs unable to support my own weight.

“It was touch and go there for a while. We had to perform the hysterectomy, but she’s going to pull through. We’ve transfused her to replenish the blood she lost, and she’ll need time to recover, but most of her recovery can be done at home. She’s a very lucky woman. The paramedics told me that you administered C.P.R. at the scene…you saved her life Mr. Mantovani. We couldn’t have done any of what we did today if you hadn’t stepped up when she needed you.”

“Doctor, I can never thank you enough for what you’ve done for her, for all of us. I really didn’t think she was going to make it. God…I thought…I was going to be raising our daughter alone. I can never repay you for giving my daughter her mom. For giving me back my wife.” Jess’s mom and dad drop to the floor beside me, throwing their arms around each other, and me.

I can hear Lily’s sobs of joy in the background, Brandon soothing her, and my mom and dad expressing how happy they are that she’s going to make it, that she’s alive, that her beautiful fucking heart is still beating in her chest.

Relief isn’t the word I would use for how I feel right now…I don’t think there
is
a word that could do justice to how I feel. She did it…my girl fucking fought…even when she was broken beyond repair…she fucking fought it, and came back to me, and I will NEVER let her go again.

I’ve been sitting next to her bed since they brought her back from surgery. She’s still under anesthesia, but just being here, beside her, holding her hand this past hour, has been more than I thought I would get with her when I found her earlier today. It’s been less than twelve hours since I walked into her apartment, but it feels like weeks. Endless hours of worry, despair, and paralyzing terror. The image of her on the floor in the kitchen will haunt me as long as I live.

As I sit here, thankful for every breath that she takes, I realize, that when she wakes up, I’ll need to tell her that she will
never
have any more children; that we have a daughter who is fighting to survive, and that I know that she was pregnant before. Of course, that can wait until she’s ready to bring it up.

I can’t believe that after all this time, after all we’ve been through together she felt she couldn’t confide in me. I know it’s one of the reasons I told her we couldn’t work, but I just don’t care anymore. If she doesn’t trust me, then I just need to work harder to prove to her that she
can
trust me, with anything. If she wants to run, I’ll need to convince her to stay. I will do
whatever
it takes to make this work between us. I love her too goddamn much not to.

Her hand twitches in mine. Her eyes fluttering open.

“Simon.” Her voice is croaky and so quiet I can barely hear her.

“I’m here Tesoro. I’m here.” I gently kiss her hand, her face, anywhere I can, without hurting her.

“The baby? Is she okay?”

“She’s hanging in there, just like her mom.” Her eyes look pained as the tears begin to fall.

“I’m a mom.” She’s sobbing as I try to carefully lift her into my arms. “I didn’t think I was going to wake up from the surgery. I thought I would never see you again; that I would never get to meet her.” Her fragile body shakes in my arms, tearing me up inside to see her so distraught.

“You’re here baby. You stepped up today and came through for our daughter, and for me. I thought…I thought I’d lost you. I’m so sorry Jess…about everything. I love you.”

She’s groggy from the anesthesia, and her speech is a bit slurred, but the words I cling to, the words I will cherish as long as I live, that I never thought I would hear again, fall from her beautiful pink lips.

“I love you Simon.”

JESS

I feel like I’ve been run over by a steamroller. My body aches, and I have never been so tired in my whole life, but none of that matters today, because I’m alive, and Simon is coming to take me up to meet our daughter in a few hours. It’s been three days since she was born, since I had surgery to save my life, and now I’ve got enough of the needles removed from my arms, which now look like pin cushions, the doctors have agreed to let me make the journey to the N.I.C.U. in a wheelchair.

I’ve been pretty out of it on painkillers over the past few days, so this morning was the first time that I really had a proper chat with Dr. Field. She told me what happened; that the scarring on my uterus from Gavin’s attack when I lost the baby, was the reason that I started bleeding out. I asked if she had informed my family of the cause and my heart sank when she said that yes, she had. It was the only way to explain to them what had happened, and now they all know.

Not one of them has mentioned it to me. Simon knows, and he has been nothing but amazing to me over the past few days. If he’s not with me, then he’s spending time with our daughter. He only leaves the hospital long enough to get a fresh change of clothes, or to eat.

It’s been a hard few days. The day after surgery, Simon sat with me and explained that the doctors had to perform a hysterectomy to save my life, and consequently I will never have any more children. I cried for hours. Crying for the lost possibilities of the family we could have been; crying because my baby is struggling to survive, and if we lose her…it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Si was amazing, soothing me and telling me that I am all he needs. Me and our baby girl. Nothing else matters. I know that it will probably hit me hard when I’m healthy and happy and feeling like it would have been nice to have more children. I’m devastated, but I’m so grateful to be alive that I can’t focus on that pain right now. I need to focus on getting better, on my daughter and the fight that she faces, and on
living
. It’s a gift that we take for granted every day. A gift that can be taken away in a heartbeat.

Simon’s got a broken hand, but he hasn’t complained about it once. I asked him about it; he looked so upset at the memory of it. All he said was that he needed to punch something to keep from losing his shit altogether. I didn’t press him. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for him to wait, not knowing what was happening to me or the baby.

I’m deep in thought when he walks into my room, his commanding presence like a cool breeze on a summer day. I breathe him in, savoring everything about him as he presses his lips to mine.

“You ready to go meet our baby girl?”

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.” He ducks out of the room and brings in a wheelchair from the hall. Not just any wheelchair, it’s been pimped out with balloons and glitter and pink!

“Your chariot awaits, my queen.”

My palms are sweating as we enter the N.I.C.U. I’m so excited, and at the same time terrified to meet my daughter for the first time. Simon and the nurses have warned me not to be scared by all the tubes and machines, but I can’t help feeling that it’s my fault she’s in here fighting for her life.

Simon wheels me into the corner, next to an incubator with Baby Foster written in neat handwriting on a pink card attached to the bottom of the Perspex box.

“Jess, meet our daughter.” As I peer inside I see the tiniest little hand, with perfect little fingers. My eyes slowly take in every detail, until I reach her face. A sob fights to burst out of me, but I clasp my hand over my mouth, scared I’ll frighten my baby girl. It takes me a moment to compose myself.

“Oh my God. Si. Look at her. She’s so beautiful. I can’t believe we made her.”

His arms wrap around my shoulders in a sweet and tender gesture; his cast rough against my skin; his lips whispering in my ear.

“Thank you so much Tesoro. You’ve given me everything I ever wanted. I love you both so much.” I grab a hold of his forearm, nestling into his warm embrace. He feels like home. At this moment, with him by my side and my baby alive in front of me, my life finally feels…real. When he lets me go, I lean forward to take a good long look at my baby.

“Hi baby girl. I’m your…mommy.”

The tears are streaming down my face as I gaze at her stunning face. Simon told me that she looks like me, but I disagree, I think she looks like her daddy. She has a cute tuft of black hair, the sweetest pouty little pink lips, and the smallest nose you ever saw. She’s so tiny. It breaks my heart knowing that I should still be taking care of her, letting her grow inside my belly until she was ready to be born, happy and healthy.

“I’m so sorry.” I drop my head into my hands, only to have them gently pulled out of the way as Simon kneels before me, cupping my face in his hands.

“You have NOTHING to apologize for Jess. You did amazing. You fought when so many people would have given up. Do you realize that you kept our girl alive, even when you stopped breathing? You came back to us when your body was broken and too weak to function on its own.” His voice is thick with emotion, his eyes full of pain. “God, Jess, they told me…they said…it was 50/50. I have
never
been so scared in my entire life.”

His head rests on my lap as I stroke his hair; my gaze falling between him and my baby girl. We sit like that for a few moments before he lifts his gaze to mine. Even after everything my body has been through in the past few days, his stunning brown eyes can make my stomach do somersaults. I am filled with so much love for this man.