Drawn to Life (18 page)

Chapter 44

Mia—I Want To Feel Me

Biarritz, July 2012

I was afraid. It had been a long time since I’d been intimate with a man. My entire body trembled. I was so tense. My chest would have burst had my heart beat any faster. Everything was new, as if I were experiencing this for the first time in my life. Strange feelings rushed through me. Cold . . . warmth . . . desire . . . lust . . . craving . . .

The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted more. To the same degree I was afraid of this situation, I longed for it, too. Samuel was only kissing me, but it meant so much more. I could feel it. My body felt it.

Samuel was gentle, and like he’d promised, didn’t go near my scar.

His lips touched my skin for brief moments. He kissed me, then withdrew before finding a new and sensitive spot to place his mouth, which ignited my passion until my whole body quivered, fear and lust mingling.

Sam slid back up until he was nuzzling my neck.

I put my hands on his shoulders. “Samuel?” He raised his head. “I want to feel.” His expression turned puzzled. “I want to feel your lips on my stomach.” He sucked in a breath. I wanted his kisses and his fingers on the scar. “I want to feel,” I whispered again.

He asked with his eyes if I meant it, and I nodded. Then I felt two of his fingers glide gently over my collarbone, then along the valley between my breasts. His touch made me shiver, and I gasped. His fingers were close now. I screwed my eyes shut.

“Don’t forget to breathe, Mia,” he said. I could still feel the warm line of the path he’d traced. He circled my belly button with one finger. Slid down my body to kiss there, as well.

“Open your eyes.” I did. “Take my hand.” I obeyed him again. “Guide me.”

I held his wrist and moved our hands until they hovered over my abdomen. I guided him until his fingertips could just barely reach my skin. I felt his warmth. The softness of his flesh. I smiled. Samuel’s eyes shone brightly. It was OK, because I was in control. I brushed his fingers along the scar. I could feel. I was allowed to feel. I was happy.

I was feeling . . .

“Stretch out your fingers.” One of his hands now rested flat on my belly. I put mine on top.

“Thank you for trusting me,” he whispered.

I tugged on him until he brought his face near mine. The chemistry between us was almost too much to endure. I felt a fire burning inside me. Samuel’s eyes mirrored the same feeling. It was not only lust. We were attracted by
something else
. Something I couldn’t quite grasp. Something I’d never experienced until this moment. I thought I had experienced
it
before. But I hadn’t. This was the real thing.

Our lips found each other’s. Samuel rolled onto his back and positioned me so I was sitting on top of him. His erection pressed against my entrance as I moved against his pelvis. My fingers ran down his chest to his still-sea-damp shorts. My thumbs reached the waistband at the same time he opened my bikini top. He pushed the straps over my shoulders and discarded the scrap of cloth. Raising his head he pulled my torso toward him until, hungrily, he could lick circles around my nipples. I shuddered. The heat inside me burned brighter. Sam flicked his tongue, alternating nipples and, finally, drew one in to suckle. I was no longer in control of my body. My back arched. I moaned.

“Oh, Mia, you taste so goddamn wonderful. I want more,” he said. Softly he pushed me back, then drew himself up on his knees to kiss his way down my belly until he reached my shorts. He opened the placket. My heart beat faster. He undid the zipper and tugged down the pants until I could kick them aside, then let his fingers trace along the waistband of my bikini panties. I tingled—everywhere. Samuel ran his mouth along my inner thighs. Then slowly, gradually, he pulled down my panties.

“Mia . . .” he said in a muffled voice. His warm breath tickled my skin.

“Take off your clothes,” I moaned.

In short order, he stood naked beside the bed. I admired him. His broad shoulders, his hard chest. His toned abs.

Very carefully, he lowered himself until he’d covered my body with his. I took his face between my hands and pulled him to me. I needed to feel his soft lips on mine.

A rough sigh escaped from deep in his chest. He shifted. Tenderly, he ran a hand up my leg, making me shiver anew. His fingertips came closer and closer to my entrance. My heart beat fast, loud in my ears. The heat built inside me.
Move up higher . . .

He paused, then thrust two fingers into my warmth. My body was ready for him. I was nearly whimpering with desire.

“Oh wow . . .” he rasped out. His thumb circled my clitoris.

“Sam,” I whispered. “I want to feel you.”

He withdrew his skillful fingers, spread my legs, and penetrated me, gently, carefully. The sensation was overwhelming. We moved in rhythm with each other. I wrapped my legs tight around his hips so that he could thrust deeper inside me. Making soft guttural sounds in my ear, he kissed my neck. I scratched my nails over his back, and when the heat surged, I dug them into his skin.

Then I let go.

We climaxed at almost the same time. And when we were done, we looked at each other, out of breath and with hearts still pounding. I lost myself in the gray depths of his eyes.

“I’ve never felt like this before,” I whispered. “Alive. Happy.” I softly kissed his mouth.

Samuel stroked my hair. “I’ve never been allowed to feel like this.”

He rolled onto his side and drew me against him. Then he pulled up the sheets and held me tight in his arms.

Chapter 45

Mia—I Feel Incredible

Bordeaux, July 2012

I never wanted to leave Biarritz. It was so wonderful here. Even though the crowds had frightened me on the first day at the beach, I now wanted to return. Samuel had made me feel confident enough to expose my body. The longer I was with him, the more comfortable I felt with myself and my appearance. In fact, I felt incredible. Samuel had rekindled that long-lost aspect of my personality and ignited so much more. I couldn’t believe it. I actually felt good. I could look in the mirror. Really look at myself. I touched my hair. It was short, but with Kriszta’s cut I actually looked . . . pretty. I didn’t need a hat anymore.

“What are you doing?” Samuel’s voice startled me. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t even noticed he’d entered the bathroom. I turned from the mirror.

“Feeling good,” I said and put my arms around his waist.

He tilted his head and gave me a puzzled look. “You were just looking at yourself in the mirror, and your answer is
feeling good
?”

“I could look at myself and actually think I look fine. I owe that to you.” I kissed his cheek.

He smiled. “I don’t know what I did, but I like that you’ve been beaming all day.” He nuzzled my forehead with his lips.

“It’s all because you’re here with me,” I replied. “I would have never gone to that beach alone. But you give me strength and make me feel special.”
If only for a short time
, I thought.

“That’s what you are, Mia. Special. I knew it from the moment I saw you.”

I leaned against him and let him hold me for a long time.

Samuel played his guitar for me every night. I loved listening to him, and I couldn’t resist singing along—timid and with a low voice at first, but then he encouraged me to really get into it. So I did. He was the only one who would hear me, anyway. Every time I chimed in, he flashed me the sweetest smile, and I’d feel a burst of joy. It was impossible to say where I would be now had I not met Samuel. Or what would have happened had I ignored him. I was glad I hadn’t been able to. He was irresistible, and we were intensely attracted to each other. We belonged together.

I couldn’t imagine life without him. One thing concerned me, though. What would happen to him when I left? Inevitably, I would one day be gone. Reality was gradually catching up with me. My parents. My sister. Christoph. Even Julia regularly called me.

I should have just switched off the phone entirely. I don’t know why I didn’t. Maybe I wanted to see that everyone at home loved me that much. Maybe I needed proof they were still thinking of me. Maybe I would have eventually been able to answer.

Maybe . . .

Samuel tried to persuade me to let them know I was OK, even if only in a text.

“Mia,” he sighed over lunch in Bordeaux. “Please don’t be so stubborn. I’m sure they need to speak with you. No matter what happened between you, put it aside and talk to them.”

The big lump in my throat was back. I couldn’t swallow another bite. I put down my utensils, rubbed my face, and ran my fingers through my hair. “I can’t, Samuel. Believe me. It . . .” I swallowed hard. “It would . . . I don’t know. It would hurt them. Or they would freak out.”

Samuel put his hand on mine. “What is it you can’t tell them?”

“They probably found out that I don’t plan to go back. I—I just don’t want to return, that’s all. I need to find a new place.”

Samuel squeezed my hand and gave me an encouraging look. He seemed to understand what I was talking about. After all, he, too, had left his home to escape his daily life. I wasn’t the only one looking for change.

“Even if you can’t go back or don’t want to go back . . . Talk to them.”

Maybe. But I wasn’t ready yet.

Our trip took us farther north. It seemed that with each mile we traveled, Samuel’s mood grew more pensive.

“Is everything OK with you?” I asked while standing in front of the castle in Nantes.

He pulled me close and kissed my forehead. “Yep, all is well. I was only thinking about where we should go next, and when.”

“We just got here. I’d like to stay at least a day. I mean, look at this.” I pointed at the castle. “This must be even more fascinating for you than it is for me.”

Samuel rested his hands on my waist. “Right now, there’s only one thing I find fascinating. Or rather, one person.” He lowered his head and kissed me passionately. I gripped his shoulders as my knees grew weak. With each kiss and each touch, I craved him even more.

I really liked this man. Maybe too much. That scared me, weighed on me. Then I remembered a conversation I’d had with Dr. Weiß.

Chapter 45 ½

Mia—Let Go

Graz, October 2011

“You need to let go,” Dr. Weiß said. But I couldn’t. Everything had to remain shut away. Otherwise I would break down. After the emotional turmoil in August, I had sworn nobody would ever get that close to me again. Never again . . .

Not my family, let alone a man. Yet everyone insisted on intruding on my world.

We only want to help you, Mia.
Nobody could help me.

“Mia, you are allowed to cry. You are allowed to feel. Rage, anger, grief . . . Let it all out, otherwise it will eat you alive. There will be a day when you won’t be able to keep your mask on anymore. It will start to slip.”

“No, Dr. Weiß, it won’t. And
nobody
will get behind it. That includes you,” I snapped.

“Maybe I won’t. I can’t say. We hardly know each other yet. But let me tell you that there will come a time when it does, and you won’t even notice it’s happening.”

“And then what?” I crossed my arms over my chest, not believing him.

“Why, you’ll feel again,” he said.

“I’ve had more than my share of feeling. I’ve felt things nobody wants to experience.”

“How can I show you that everything you’re going through is absolutely normal?” He said it quietly, but I heard him. “One day, it all will change. You can’t prevent that. Don’t even try. So be selfish and let your feelings run freely. It doesn’t matter for how long . . . Just allow it to happen,” he said.

I didn’t want to listen to him. I didn’t want to see him. I closed my eyes.

“You are crushing your emotions. Set them free. Then they won’t crush you.”

Chapter 46

Mia—Unspoken Feelings

Nantes, July 2012

I interrupted our kiss and grasped Samuel’s shoulders. Air . . . I needed air. Those feelings must not crush me. My therapist had been right all along. I couldn’t prevent this
something
I shared with Samuel from happening. It was too strong. My heart longed for him too much. My body longed for his touch too much. I couldn’t do anything but let go and live it, although I knew there would be no happy ending for us.

I gasped for oxygen. I felt dizzy.

“Mia?” Samuel sounded worried.

“I—I—” I stammered and took another deep breath. “I just forgot to breathe. Everything’s fine. You’re just too overwhelming.”

“How so?” Samuel pulled me closer.

I tried to smile and said, “So.” I kissed his full lips.

Amidst all the tourists, Samuel lifted me up so abruptly that I shrieked. He spun us around, and I couldn’t help but laugh. After a few turns he put me back on my feet.

“Please hold me,” I said, laughing. “You definitely twirled me too much.”

“You mean like this?”

I was back in his arms, and I buried my face against his chest. “Please, let me down. Everyone is staring at us,” I said against his T-shirt.

“Oh, that’s just your imagination. Even if they are, who cares? I’m enjoying the moment with you.”

His whispered words sent a shiver down my spine. He lightly kissed the top of my head. I looked at him and laughed. He was right. It was nobody’s business, so why care? I should enjoy the moment. Samuel and what we had was well worth a little embarrassment. He made me feel alive. Made me forget the past.

Sam lowered me to the ground but continued holding me and nibbled lightly on my shoulder. My body reacted instantly. “So, where were we?”

My hands wandered over his impressive chest up to his neck. “Let’s go,” I whispered.

“Your place or mine?” he asked jokingly.

I poked his upper arm. “As if I had a choice. You won’t let me have my own room.”

With a broad grin, he took my hand and dragged me along. At the hotel, he unlocked our door and walked in ahead of me. I leaned against the door frame and watched him.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “You’re not coming in?”

When I still didn’t move, he returned to me, took my hand, and led me inside.

“I would have been happy just standing there and watching you for the rest of the day,” I said. Samuel kissed my forehead. “I can’t get enough of you.” I took his hand and placed it on my chest. “Here, feel.” My heart was strong and steady when I looked into his eyes. “I can’t remember when it last beat like that.” Now that I was sharing my feelings, I wanted to let him know.

Samuel took my hand and put it on those pecs I loved so much. “Here, feel mine,” he said quietly. “It’s the same. This is all new to me, these unknown emotions . . . I like them.” He paused. “I like
you,
Mia.”

I raised my mouth to his. I was hungry for him. Together, we fell onto the bed. I appreciated how gentle Samuel was with me. Our lovemaking seemed to take place in slow-motion. After every button he opened, he gave me a kiss. I sat up, tugged his shirt, one the same gray as his eyes, over his head, and simply stared at him. He stared back, as intently as me, not saying a word. There was so much tension between us. So many unspoken feelings. His every touch made my skin tingle. Countless butterflies swarmed in my stomach. I was melting. I was forgetting.

Sam undressed me and grinned. “Ah, there are the red panties again. I’ve missed them. Couldn’t find them in my bag.”

“If you really want them so badly, why don’t you come get them?” I teased.

“With pleasure,” he mumbled and tongued my belly, making sure not to touch the scar. He pulled down the red lace.

“Have I mentioned before that you look magnificent?”

I felt heat rush to my cheeks and singe my entire body.

“The color in your face suits you,” he whispered.

After he rose, I ran my hands down his chest to the button on his jeans. He helped me undress him.

“And have I mentioned I love seeing you like this?”

I put my arms on his shoulders and gently pushed him back onto the bed. I covered his chest with kisses as light as down and felt his body tense under my touch. Then he took command. He stroked me everywhere. Kissed me everywhere. He was demanding, yet gentle.

I straddled him, raising and lowering my pelvis to his. Samuel held my hips, controlling the pace of my movements. The friction of our naked bodies sent us soaring, and finally climax took us. Then we collapsed, breathing heavy, hearts racing, Samuel’s pounding against my own. He was as fulfilled, spent, and overwhelmed as I was.

He rested his head against my shoulder as his hands caressed my back. I held him close. I never wanted to let him go.

“I live through you, Mia,” I heard him say quietly.