Authors: Elisabeth Wagner
Chapter 32
Samuel—Close to You
Nice, June 2012
We didn’t leave the hotel room that night. The long train rides had exhausted Mia. It was obvious she needed sleep, which was a big reason why I’d wanted to treat her to a stay at a good hotel. I also would not spend another night in a youth hostel. Maybe I was spoiled, but I’d had my fill of bad mattresses.
Although this night wouldn’t be much better, since I’d agreed to let Mia have the bed. Then again, I wanted to give her something nice, so I wouldn’t mind—too much—another uncomfortable night.
Abiding by her other rules, too, I also didn’t glance her direction when she was in her pajamas, not even when she crossed the room after she’d emerged from changing in the bathroom. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have liked to steal a peek, but I was allowed to turn around only after she’d pulled the duvet on the bed up to her chin. That’s how she wanted things, and I respected her wishes. I was, of course, very aware by then that she shied away from anything to do with intimacy.
We ordered room service, talked for a while, then turned on the TV. Mia moved to one side of the bed and motioned for me to use the other so I could see the screen better. She didn’t have to ask twice. I would have liked to edge even closer to her. Her vanilla scent was driving me crazy.
“Does your shower gel smell like vanilla?” I couldn’t help asking.
She looked at me puzzled. “Why would you think that?”
I shook my head. “It’s probably just whatever they use to wash the sheets.” But I knew the sweet aroma was hers.
She looked at me skeptically. “Whatever you say. I don’t smell anything.”
She dropped off soon after that. I got up, grabbed the other duvet and a pillow, and walked over to the sofa. Almost as soon as I lay down, I was asleep, too.
My slumber didn’t last long. A strident scream and bitter weeping woke me. Struggling up from sleep, I tried to remember where I was.
Then I heard it again. Mia was wailing in her sleep. She sounded so tortured. So frightened. Moonlight slid through the crack between the curtains and fell onto the bed, where I could see her thrashing about, her face contorted with pain. I bolted up, still half-asleep and hurried over to the bed.
“Hey, Mia! Wake up. It’s just a dream. Sweetie, wake up.” My words didn’t seem to penetrate. I lowered myself to the bed. Damn it, what should I do? I didn’t know what would happen if I touched her. Carefully, I rested my hand on her shoulder, hoping to calm her down. “Mia,” I repeated. “Sweetie, it’s only a dream.”
Her scream again split the night. Shit!
“Mia, my sweetheart. It’s me, Samuel. Shh. It’s OK.” I was so worried by now that I was having trouble staying calm myself. I slid down a little further beside her, continuing to lightly grasp her shoulder, then very gently, I stroked her cheeks. Finally, she relaxed. Her cries stopped and she lay quietly.
“Samuel, please stay,” she whispered drowsily and snuggled up to my side.
I wasn’t sure what to do. Did she really want me with her? Her rules had been more than clear, and she’d seemed intent on strictly enforcing them. When she’d been in the bathroom, she’d called several times to make sure I wasn’t looking before she’d opened the door. Even when we’d sat next to each other on the train, she’d leaned against the window, as far from me as possible, obviously avoiding even the slightest touch.
And now this?
She nestled closer to me and murmured my name.
“Mia?” I whispered. No answer. She was sound asleep, her right arm slung around my chest and her left arm under her head.
I closed my eyes and focused on her warmth. The physical contact made my skin tingle in the most wonderful way. I didn’t want to push her off. She must have said my name for a reason, even if she was dreaming.
I settled in more comfortably. Once I had found a restful position, I pulled up the duvet and held her tight. Mia sighed softly and burrowed in again. The arm around my chest moved. Slowly, her hand wandered across my skin until her palm finally came to rest over my heart.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Then I let all the air out through my nose, smelling the sweet vanilla that was her. She sighed, a contented sound. I didn’t know what to think. Was she completely asleep? I was too comfortable, too happy like this to leave her bed. I liked the way her warm body nestled against me, the way her fingertips with their roughened nails had brushed my chest.
“Samuel?” She said my name again.
“I’m here,” I whispered against her hair.
“Please, stay,” she repeated.
“I will. Right next to you,” I murmured and softly kissed her forehead.
Chapter 33
Mia—Dr. Weiß, Help Please!
Nice, June 2012
I woke up because I was hot, very hot. My arm had fallen asleep, and it prickled as if a thousand ants were crawling over it. Then I realized my hand was resting on something warm, something firm. Something emanating a lot of heat. Carefully, I moved my fingers. It was a body. A male body. My heart began to race, and I quickly looked over.
Samuel . . .
Startled, I scooted away from him. My entire body trembled . . . I desperately needed air. A huge lump stuck in my throat and blocked my windpipe. What was Samuel Winter doing in my bed?
My heart hammered so violently, it almost hurt. It felt as if it were about to explode.
Air . . .
Breathe . . .
I was panting as I slowly managed to get out of the bed. I needed air. A lot of it. Inhale. Exhale. I tried to relax my stiff fingers, without success.
I snatched up my phone from the bedside table. Away . . . I had to get away as fast as possible. Steadying myself by grasping on to pieces of furniture, I staggered into the bathroom.
I slammed the door behind me. My knees buckled, and I sank onto the cool tiles. My heart raced, and a whooshing in my ears grew louder and louder.
With what little strength remained, I tapped in Dr. Weiß’s number. I put the phone on speaker and placed it on the floor next to me.
“Mia?” a drowsy voice asked.
“Dr. Weiß, I need your help.” I could barely articulate the words. I needed more oxygen.
“How can I help you at this early hour?” His voice was calm.
“Air,” I croaked.
Immediately, he realized what was happening. “Mia, listen to me. Do not think of the trigger. Simply concentrate on your breathing.” His words were soothing. I heard him inhale deeply. “Now breathe with me. Close your eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Let all the air out of your lungs. Inhale . . .”
I focused on his words. I closed my eyes and did the best I could. It hurt.
“Exhale through your mouth.”
Exhale . . .
“And repeat.” His tone was both gentle and commanding. I summoned all my strength. “Do not forget to move.” I moved my fingers. “I can hear you’re breathing normally again. Great job. I’m proud of you, Mia,” Dr. Weiß said. “Now tell me what happened. I know you can do it. There won’t be another panic attack.”
“Samuel happened,” I blurted without providing further explanation.
“Well, if you let me know who Samuel is, I might be able to follow.”
“He . . . I met him on the train. Somehow we’ve continued traveling together. I—I don’t really know why. But I couldn’t let him go.” I began picking my cuticle until it hurt, tearing at the skin so fiercely that it bled.
“What is going on with Samuel?” he asked calmly.
“He’s in my bed.” I felt the panic creep up again. I began huffing.
“Concentrate on your breathing,” Dr. Weiß said. “Now, Samuel. Who is he?”
I took another deep breath. “We met on the first day of my trip. Um . . . He—he was sneaking through my sketchbook. Well, not really sneaking. He said he was fascinated, so he looked at the drawings.”
“I’m glad to hear you’re making good use of your talent and your sketchbook. Go on.” I heard the sound of a coffeemaker percolating in the background.
“I had a panic attack and almost passed out. I would never have fended it off by myself, but then I looked into his eyes.” I paused for a moment, recalling their gray shimmer. “Then I felt better.”
I heard Dr. Weiß sip his coffee. “You found a calm anchor.” He sounded happy for me. “Why, then, are you panicking?”
“We parted ways at the station and then ran into each other two days later. By coincidence, we had the same destination. Then he helped me in a bad situation. “I ran my fingers through my hair and bit my lower lip. “He helped me get over yet another panic attack. But there’s more,” I whispered. “Dr. Weiß, I didn’t want him to leave, so I asked him if we could travel on together. But I’m so worried he thinks I’m a whacko.”
“Why would he think that?” he asked.
“You know how I am. The touching. Fear of everything new. I could go on. So you tell me how someone wouldn’t think I’m crazy.”
“You’re not crazy, Mia. You’ve just been through a lot.”
A hell of a lot, and that’s why Samuel shouldn’t have a place in my life. Not under these circumstances.
“You like him, don’t you?” he said.
I really didn’t want to think about what Samuel could mean to me. He didn’t know me. I didn’t know him, even if it felt as if I had known him forever. Which was exactly what scared me so much. I just didn’t understand what this meant, any of it.
“I’m not sure, Dr. Weiß. He shouldn’t be in my life.”
“Maybe he should. Do you feel comfortable around him?”
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the door. “I wish things were different,” I said quietly.
“You should be grateful he’s there. You feel calmed by his presence. You need him. Does he make you laugh?”
“Yes,” I admitted, barely audible.
“Are you happy when you see him?”
“I can’t imagine this trip without him.” There. I’d said it out loud. I really couldn’t. And I didn’t want to. Although I knew I would break his heart.
“Then why are you so afraid?” he persisted.
“I don’t know how he ended up in my bed. He had one arm wrapped around me, and my hand rested on his chest.” The mere thought of it caused my heart to race. “The touch . . .”
“You’re still struggling with it. But you don’t need to. He isn’t a stranger anymore. Stop thinking so much. Follow your heart,” he said.
He had a point there. Samuel was not a stranger. He hadn’t been a stranger, not from the moment we’d met.
“Talk to him and find out what happened.”
“OK,” I sighed softly.
“Live your life, Mia.
Live
it.”
Then he hung up.
Chapter 34
Mia—My Crappy Life
Nice, June 2012
I stared at the display until it turned off. Now it was entirely dark in the bathroom. I grabbed my hair with both hands and pulled it fiercely.
Ahhhh . . . damn it, damn it, damn it . . .
I didn’t know what to do. Was I ready to follow my heart? Could I make it? What would happen when the shit really hit the fan? Would I ruin Samuel?
He banged on the door. The banging grew more incessant . . .
“Mia, please open the door. Please,” Samuel begged.
I closed my eyes. My head was about to explode any minute. My emotions were about to rip me apart from the inside. Samuel was special. He didn’t think of me as sick. Didn’t comment on my behavior. But he was doomed.
“Mia, please,” he pleaded.
Carefully, I stood up, fumbled for the light, and walked over to the sink. I looked in the mirror and rubbed my face. I wiped the tears from my cheeks, took a deep breath, and opened the door. Samuel’s arm was raised to bang again, but he lowered it. My eyes wandered over his torso. He looked even better than I had imagined. This barely dressed perfect body certainly didn’t make things easier.
“I am so sorry, Mia. I can explain everything.” He nodded toward the bathroom. “May I come in?”
I nodded, but couldn’t avoid biting my lip.
“And would you please stop doing this?”
I frowned.
“I mean, I’m only a man, after all.”
I forced myself to stop, but it is not easy to change lifelong habits. I began tapping with my feet. I had to do something.
“You must have had a bad dream,” he began. “I tried to wake you up, but it didn’t work.” He took one step forward, and I took one step back. “You murmured you wanted me to stay. I . . . I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to do.” He ran his fingers through his hair and folded his hands behind his neck. “But you repeated it and just snuggled up by my side.”
My eyes grew wide. “Never,” I said.
Samuel nodded. “Oh yes you did. Otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed with you. You were so peaceful, so—”
“OK, OK, I got it,” I interrupted and massaged my temples. My subconscious did exactly what Dr. Weiß wanted me to do.
“Mia, seriously. I—”
I cut him off again, gesturing with one raised hand. “Don’t.” I walked past him and sat down on the bed.
He followed me. “What was going on in there?”
I inhaled deeply and shook my head. “Believe me, you don’t want to know.”
Sam squatted in front of me. “What if I do want to know?” he asked quietly. “Look, Mia, I’m not blind. I can tell you want more.” Frustrated, he stood again. “Damn it . . .” He punched a fist against the wall. “Why am I not allowed to touch you? I can feel the chemistry. What is your goddamn problem?” he shouted. “Why am I not even allowed to hold your hand?” He paced the room.
I just stared at him. I had not expected that. I had no clue he was feeling that way. He had always been so thoughtful, and had never even attempted to make a pass. Nothing. I needed a few minutes to gather my thoughts.
“You are not allowed,” I finally said, “because I am not allowed. Do you understand? You do not want to get involved in my crappy life. I hate myself. I can’t even look at myself.” I jumped to my feet, rushed to my backpack and frenetically began packing. Samuel didn’t say a word. He just stood there, petrified and stared at the floor.
I pointed at my body. “Look at me.” He didn’t move. “Look at me, for heaven’s sake.” My voice rose so loud it cracked. I was livid. I was angry at myself, at everything, at . . . I didn’t really know why exactly.
He looked at me. “I can’t wrap my head around you. Mia, just look at yourself. You are just . . . amazing. Don’t you notice how everyone looks at you? Do you have any idea why?”
“I know quite well why everyone’s gawking at me,” I screamed. “I hate it when they do that. Not even here I’m safe.”
Another puzzled look. “What the heck are you talking about?”
“I’m sure that’s why I attracted your attention, right?” I pulled my hair violently. “That’s why. Everyone can see I’m sick. It’s obvious. I can’t hide it.”
Samuel looked very confused. Cautiously, he came a few steps closer. “You don’t look sick, sweetie. You look magnificent. Even in these pink pajamas. I just, like you, Mia.” He smiled.
I gave him a sad look. “Samuel, you can cut it out now.” I slumped to the floor. “You can stop pretending.”
He shook his head. “I still don’t get it.”
My voice was very quiet and monotonous. “Samuel, I
am
sick. Was sick . . . Whatever. My body reveals it all.”
Again he shook his head.
“Do you remember when we first met? I remember it very well, because I was about to have a panic attack. I hate it when strangers touch me.” I took a deep breath. The lump in my throat was back. “You must have been taken aback by my crazy behavior. This damned breathing technique is pretty obvious.”
“Mia . . .” He touched his hair. “A panic attack?” Poor, confused Samuel.
“Your fingers touched me. You are a stranger. That’s what happens.”
Samuel came closer. “But I’m not a stranger anymore.” I looked at the carpet. “Please, look at me.” I inhaled deeply. Our eyes met. “I’m no longer a stranger.” He reached out his hand and waited. “I’m already part of your life.” He was a part of my life, no matter if he disappeared now or stayed. We would never be able to erase this memory.
My heart was racing. With a trembling hand I reached out until only a few millimeters were left between Samuel’s fingertips and mine.
He smiled. “Breathe.” I already knew how it felt to touch his skin, but this was different. Samuel was awake now and could do more than I was ready for. All I wanted was some closeness, to feel his warmth.
“You tell me when it’s enough and I’ll stop,” he promised. “Just say the word.” I nodded and carefully put my hand into his palm. He smiled at me. I took his other hand. My heart raced, but this time, it was because I was so excited, and happiness pulsed through my veins. I moved closer to him. Our knees almost touched. I put my left hand over his heart. It was pounding fast. Samuel was just as excited as I was. He raised his other hand, but paused before touching my cheek. With his eyes, he asked me whether it was OK. I nodded.
Very tenderly, he caressed my skin. I felt goose bumps all over my body. I had forgotten these feelings. I was so glad I finally allowed them.