Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories (18 page)

I check the
time of the message. It was sent last night, right
after our date. The one where we kissed for hours.
Our last one before she dropped me like a
ton of bricks.

When I open the next message, the first thing I do is check the time it was sent. An hour ago, which was after our break-up. I feel a pang of hope. Maybe Ash has changed her mind?

I read it.

Far out! I can't believe I got Rejected with a capital R. I also can't believe Lacey is going out with my little bro. Even though it'd be sweet to sit beside a cute girl at the monster truck show, there's no way I'll get over Ash and Lace in a hurry. They're the loves of my life.

Kane takes my phone and orders four tickets to the monster truck show using his dad's credit card. It costs a 100 bucks.

‘You got the fifty on you now?' he asks me.

‘Uhh … no. It's at home,' I lie.

He shakes his head. ‘Looks like I'll have to find three girls to take, then.'

Reluctantly, I open my wallet and hand him the cash. Kane's a lot better at picking up chicks than me, so I'll need his help to get a date. I'm more of an acquired taste.

The bus stops and two girls get on.

‘Well, well. Look what we have here,' Kane says as they walk up the aisle.

One has the hip ‘homeless' look – oversized sunnies, knee-high boots and a fl
owing black skirt – while the other looks plain hot
in jeans and a tight red T-shirt. Although dressed
differently, they look alike. Exactly alike.

‘I'll take Mary-Kate and you can have Ashley,' Kane whispers.

Unlike me, he goes for glamour over gorgeous every time.

‘Sure,' I say. ‘But don't mention the A word. I don't want to hear that name ever again.'

The bus takes off and we do what teenage boys do. We gawk at them while trying not to get busted. But jeans twin turns and looks my way at exactly the same time I look at her. I pretend to be suddenly interested in something out of the window, but from the corner of my eye I think I see her smiling.

The girls start chatting and it's clear they're not from around here. They call the plaza ‘the mall' – although it sounds more like ‘mahhl'.

‘Where are you girls from?' Kane asks.

I wish I had the confidence to do that.

They turn. ‘Canada,' says homeless twin. ‘But we live here now.'

‘We go to your school,' says jeans twin. ‘Aren't you the poetry boy?'

‘That's just a hobby.' He gives them a wink. ‘My real job is being a stud.'

I change the subject. ‘How come I haven't seen you around school? I'm sure I would've noticed.' I look at jeans twin when I say this.

She answers. ‘We've only been here for a few weeks. And because there's an extra grade in Canada we're a year below you guys.' She looks at me. ‘I've seen you walking around campus with your girlfriend. Where is she?'

Jeans twin has noticed me before? Cool. ‘We broke up,' I answer.

‘Oh. Too bad.' But she doesn't look sad. Her lips are turned up at the corners.

We hold each other's gaze before turning away at the same time.

And then it hits me in the gut, a feeling I swore I'd never have again. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm just about to take the drop and it's too late to get off, even if I wanted to.

‘Would you girls be interested in going to a show tomorrow night?' Kane asks. ‘We just happen to have two spare tickets.'

I sneak another look and jeans twin is smiling again. I'm gone like the wind.

I'm in lurrrve.

Best Night of My Life

While lining up to buy my ticket, I can see the future. Strobe lights flash around the room. Dance music pumps through speakers bigger than Kane's head. Year Seven girls wearing too much make-up and not enough clothes snake around the room in a conga line. The place is set for grooving, but I won't be pulling out any moves tonight. Sad feet have no rhythm.

I am brought back to the present by Ashleigh Simpkin. I hand over my five bucks and she slips an aqua glow-in-the-dark wrist band over my fingers.

‘Have fun, Rossy.' She zip-ties the band so tight I can feel my own pulse. ‘But not too much fun, okay?'

‘Don't worry. I won't.'

She raises her eyebrows. ‘Why aren't you ever serious, Tony?'

I don't answer. Although the music is all right and the school hall looks about as good as a school hall can, I really don't want to be here. It's not 'cause I can't dance. Getting jiggy with it is something I do better than most. But there'll be girls on the dance floor that have broken my precious heart, and the wounds are still as raw as the sausages from one of Dad's barbies.

One girl that sliced my heart in two is Ashleigh, who's handing out wrist bands because she's on the student social committee. In a past life, me and Ash had lots of fun tongue dancing, but tonight she'll be slow dancing with Devo – the richest kid in school – while I'll be wishing I was him.

The other girl I have a crush on is standing next to me. But her hand is holding someone else's sweaty mitt. My stupid little bro's.

‘Hey, sexy lady,' Simon says to Lacey when we get inside. ‘Can I buy you a drink?'

Who does he think he is? A mini gangster?

Lacey bats her eyelashes. ‘Sure thing, stud muffin. But I'll come with. I don't want to let you out of my sight.'

I roll my eyes. We've only just arrived and they're already getting on my nerves.

Lacey then takes my arm and says, ‘Enjoy playing the field tonight, big Rossy. But save one dance for me, okay?'

‘I'm not dancing,' I say.

‘Why not?'

‘I'm injured.'

‘Really? What's sore?'

‘My pride.'

She gives me her best hangdog look. ‘Please? For me?'

I shake my head.

Simon drags her away and she sticks her bottom lip out at me. I don't care how much she begs, there's no way I'll hit the floor tonight. I'd rather be at home playing shoot-em-up games with strangers on the internet, but I can't because Mum and Dad are going out to a fancy restaurant for their wedding anniversary. Even my own parents like each other at the moment. Talk about depressing.

There is
one
other girl at school I'm interested in but she texted me to say she couldn't make it tonight. Apparently her dad doesn't like her and her twin sister dancing with boys. I don't know why. There's nothing wrong with my dancing.

‘Oww!' I get punched in the kidney from behind.

‘Take it like a man, man,' says Kane.

I'll show him how much of a man I am.
Boom!
I whack him hard in the gut.

‘Is that all you got? It felt like a pop gun.' He smiles but I reckon he's hurt. He must be.

‘I'll use a real gun next time,' I say, pointing my finger and shooting.

Kane goes to punch me again and I wince in anticipation. But before he makes contact, his fist freezes. ‘Gotcha!' He laughs and I join in.

Even though he nearly ruptured my kidney, I'm
glad Kane's here. He knows how I'm feeling tonight because he just got dumped by a hot nerd named Astroid, and his new crush isn't here either because she's the twin sister of my crush. Just doesn't seem right, two good-looking dudes like us with no cool girls to cal
l our own.

‘Buy me a drink,' says Kane.

‘Who do I look like? Your date?'

His eyes narrow. He's trying to look tough but I reckon he just looks constipated. ‘You'll look like a punching bag soon,' he says. ‘You owe me, remember?'

It's probably true but I'll never admit to owing Kane anything. ‘Seeing as I'm such a good bloke, I'll buy the first round,' I say. ‘Then it's your shout.'

‘Whatever.'

On my way to the drinks table, I see Lacey and Simon sipping from a huge cup with two straws. The happy couple. Then Simon starts blowing bubbles.

‘Stop it, little Rossy!' Lacey slaps him on the shoulder.

Simon giggles.

I feel a pang of hope in my six-pack. Maybe Lacey will see how annoying Simon really is and dump him?

They drink again and this time
Lacey
blows bubbles. Simon giggles again. I shake my head – kids.

‘What's your damage, Rossy?' Kevin ‘Brains' McMahon is serving drinks. He does it so he can talk to girls without them running away. Smart man.

‘What's good?' I ask.

Because the dance has a Hawaiian theme the only drinks available are juice. I'm more of a soft-drink man.

‘Passionfruit is popular, but …' Brains stops and glances around. I know that look – he's checking for teachers.

Miss Mason and Miss Austen are dancing to a Katy Perry song, and most of the others are leaning against the back wall, looking like they don't want to be here. I know how they feel.

Satisfied, Brains leans in close. ‘I can give you a special concoction that will make you irresistible to the opposite sex.'

‘You mean girls?'

‘Yes.'

‘Hmmm.' It might be kinda cool to have girls all over me, even if it's just to make Ashleigh and Lacey jealous. ‘How much?'

He smiles, showing off his new braces. ‘Because you're a mate, only ten dollars.'

‘Ten bucks for a drink! You've got to be kidding.'

‘Hey, I've spent a week of lunchtimes working on this in the lab! It's not only delicious but packed with pheromones proven to attract female monkeys.'

‘What is it? Banana juice?'

‘Very funny, Ross.' He squints through his glasses. ‘Actually, there is ten per cent banana, but that's just to help it taste good.'

I weigh it up. Unlike Kane, Brains usually isn't the scamming type, and it'd be cool if I could be fending off girls while Ashleigh and Lacey look on with green eyes. ‘It better be good.'

‘Oh, it is. I estimate you'll get your first kiss in …' Brains looks at his watch. ‘… 23 minutes.'

I reluctantly hand over the cash and Brains pulls a purple bottle out of a small Styrofoam esky beneath the table. He shakes it like a mad professor and then hands it to me.

I take a swig. ‘Not bad.' Then I get suspicious. ‘How come you're not drinking one?'

He looks sheepish. ‘I'm allergic to fruit. It makes me break out in hives.'

Typical. I go to leave, then remember something. ‘I need another drink for Kane.'

‘A ten-dollar special?'

‘No way. Give him the cheapest thing on the menu.'

*

After drinking my ten bucks, I don't feel any different. Then a cute Year Seven girl walks up to me. Hopefully, this jungle juice is about to work.

‘Buy a raffle ticket? We're raising money for the ski trip.'

Not exactly the pick-up line I was hoping for.

‘Can't,' I say. ‘I'm out of cash.'

‘How about you, Kane?' she asks.

He gives her a sideways glance. ‘How do you know my name?'

‘Heaps of Year Seven girls know you.' Her cheeks turn pink. ‘We all think you're cute.'

Kane takes out his wallet and buys three tickets.

‘Sucker,' I say to him when she leaves.

‘Nah, I'm not. I'm going on the ski trip, too, so I'm just giving money to myself.'

‘You can't ski.'

‘I can snowboard. I'm thinking of turning pro.'

‘What are you talking about? You've never even seen snow.'

‘So? I did a 720 on the Xbox.'

‘Try that on the ski trip and you'll break your neck.'

‘My neck's unbreakable.'

I start laughing at him but something makes me stop. Well, someone.

Kane follows my drooling stare. ‘This night just got a whole lot better.'

For once he's telling the truth. Walking towards us is the cutest set of twins in school.

‘Hello, boys,' says Kane's crush.

I know it's Savannah because she's wearing an emerald green dress with red platform high heels. She wants to be a fashion designer.

Kane can't help but stare.

Rhiannon shows me her knuckles and I give them a bump. She's living up to my nickname for her – ‘jeans twin' – by wearing tight blue denims with a black t-shirt that hugs her curves. She wants to be a professional triathlete and she doesn't have to try. Her body is already athletic as a pro'.

My heart bangs on my chest like a hammer. ‘How'd you talk your parents around?' I stammer.

‘We can be very persuasive.'

‘Especially when we work as a team,' adds Savannah. They high five.

I can believe that. I reckon they could talk their way into a deaf convention.

‘But we've only got half an hour.' Rhiannon grabs my hand and leads me to the dance floor. ‘Let's not waste it.'

We don't. Seeing Rhi's here, I happily break my ‘no dancing' rule. The music pumps its way into my ears and comes out of my shoulders, arms and legs in moves that can only be described as totally awesome. After I spin on my head, Rhiannon's jaw practically hits the floor. ‘What
is
that?'

‘It's called the Heli-Rossy,' I yell.

‘You've really got your own style.'

‘Yeah, baby.'

I'm about to hit the ground and do the worm through her legs when the music changes. It's one of those girly love songs. I don't like this slow stuff as I can't show off my moves, but before I can walk off, Rhi snakes an arm around me.

‘Do you like slow dancing?' she asks.

‘I love it.' I'm not lying. With her arm around my waist, I'd even enjoy line dancing. Her head leans against my shoulder and I'm close enough to smell her hair. It's gooood.

She jolts her head back and looks at me, her nose wrinkled. ‘There's something unusual about how you smell.'

Oh, no! It's probably Brains and his stupid feral-mones. I need to make up a good excuse. ‘Umm, my brother played a trick on me. He sprayed me with this weird deodorant called Gorilla.'

She takes a whiff of my neck and then puts her mouth near my ear. ‘You smell wild.' She snuggles closer and puts both hands around my neck. ‘I like it.'

Cool!

The only place my hands can go are around her lower back, and we sway so close I can feel her breath against my cheek. It's the best minute of my life. I look around, hoping that Ashleigh, Lacey and Kane are watching me dance with the hottest girl in the room, but the only person I see staring is Mr Garrahy – the deputy principal. Knowing him, he'll probably come over and yell at me. But I don't care.

During the last chorus, I close my eyes so I don't have to look at Mr Garrahy. Having my eyes closed also makes me feel things better. I notice the warmth of Rhi's back through her shirt, her soft fingers tickling my neck, the rise and fall of her chest. I'll remember this moment forever.

Her hands move to my shoulders. I hope she doesn't rub my right shoulder blade as I've got a giant zit there that's sore as hell to touch. I'm looking forward to popping it later.

Suddenly, Rhi says, ‘Uh-oh.'

Something about her tone makes me open my baby blues. I'm expecting to see Mr Garrahy beside us, but the only unusual thing is a man standing near the dance floor. Besides being built like a WWE wrestler, the bloke's wearing a leather jacket with a patch that says ‘Hells Angels'. I didn't know angels lived in hell. His head is shaved but his cheeks, chin and neck are as hairy as a bear. The school must be desperate if they're getting supply teachers like this bloke. He lifts his index finger and bends it, calling someone over.

‘I'd better go,' says Rhi, letting me go.

‘That's not …'

‘Yep. It's my dad.'

‘Far out!'

‘Come and meet him,' says Rhi.

‘Do I have to?'

She giggles. ‘If you don't, he'll hunt you down.'

I hope she's joking. Taking a deep breath, I follow Rhi, making sure my hands are nowhere near her skin.

‘Dad, this is Tony.'

He looks even bigger up close. We shake hands and he squeezes so hard my fingers crack. I hope they're not broken. But, just like Dad taught me, I don't show any pain. Instead, I look him in the eye and say in my lowest voice, ‘G'day, mate.' I would have called him Mr Somebody but I've forgotten Rhi's last name.

‘Darl, why don't you go find your sister while I get to know Tony a little better?'

‘Sure.' Before she wanders off, Rhi gives me a little smile. It makes me feel more confident. He may look like a scary bear, but maybe Rhi's dad isn't so bad.

‘How's your night been?' he asks.

‘Yeah, pretty good.'

‘Do you like my daughter?'

This bloke doesn't beat around the bush. ‘Umm … yeah. She's pretty hot … I mean, cool.'

He leans in close. ‘That's good, because I can sell her to you if you want.'

Because I know a lot of crazy people, not many things surprise me. But this makes my jaw drop.

He continues, ‘Actually, I'll sell both of them. They may look cute but they're as mad as cut snakes. You can have two for the price of one.'

He laughs, but it's not a real laugh. More like the chuckle of a sickopath. ‘What do you say, Tony?' he says. ‘Do you want to make me an offer I can't refuse?'

‘How much?' I don't know why I said it. Sometimes I say dumb stuff when I'm under pressure.

He edges his ginormous head closer to mine and looks me in the eye. His voice turns hard like my abs. ‘How about I take whatever's in your pants right now?'