Diva Rules (12 page)

I
'm not psychic, but I can always read a boy's nasty thoughts by staring into his lusty eyes. And this boy right here—the way he's slithering his serpent tongue over his thick, chapped lips—is thinking,
Damn, mami, I wanna slide up in them guts 'n' bury my face in between them beautiful boobs
. . . Oh, he's thinking some other things too, but I'm too much of a class act to repeat such filth. I'll just clench my booty cheeks 'n' keep it cute.

I glance around the area 'n' take in the sights. Pitiful. There's not one cutie-boo in sight. And I can already tell it's gonna be a depressing night.

“Yo, you fine as
fuqq
, ma,” he starts, leaning into me. His warm breath tickles the inside of my ear.
Ohhhh-kaaaay . . . tell me something I don't already know.

I bring my gaze back on him, taking a step back 'n' tossing my hair, then batting my lashes.
You think . . . ?
Well, of course he does. But he doesn't need to know that I know that he does. Oh no. A diva knows how to stay cute. Play coy. Be demure. Umm, you do know what demure is, right?

Any
whooo
. . .

Where the heck is Miesha?
I'm waiting for her here at Hudson Lanes. And of course she is
nooo
where to be seen. Why I even agreed to meet her to go bowling is beyond me. We coulda hung out at the mall 'n' shopped, then caught a cute lil flick or something. But, nooo, she chooses bowling 'n' expects me to wear those hideous flats. I mean shoes. Then toss a bowling ball down a lane. Something I haven't done in, like, forever. An activity that could potentially break a dang nail.

I glance at my watch. It's almost a quarter after nine. I knew when she told me to meet her here at nine o'clock I shoulda had my sister drop me off thirty minutes fashionably late, like I normally do. But, nope. The one time I'm on time, she decides to be late. Several guys walk by, snapping their necks to either check me out or get my attention. It's mad packed up in this spot. But I'm not seeing many cutie-boos up in here so I already know it's gonna be one long,
borrring
night.

“You mad sexy, too.”

I shift my handbag from one hand to the other, leaning a foot back on one heel. “Thanks.”
Click-clack, click-clack
. I start popping my gum all loud 'n' belligerent. A sign that I'm soo not beat for the okey-doke.

Shark Teeth is eyeing me like he's fresh outta lockup. All hungry 'n' ready to sink the jagged edges of his grill into me. Bless his lil heart. He has gotta know I have no intentions of letting him take a bite outta my sweet, juicy fruit. He can't even breathe on it! No ma'am, no sir!

One, he's too old—twenty; two, his teeth are big 'n' yellow; and three, he's too ugly. Zoo status ugly. Like wrap his face with gauze, then stuff his head in a Hefty trash bag type ugly. So no, thank you. Still. That doesn't mean I have to be mean 'n' nasty 'n' remind him of how ugly he is. Being messy is so not cute. He should already know he's ugly. Then again . . . maybe he doesn't. Some guys have been misled 'n' lied to their whole lives. Poor ting-tings.

I blink. Try not to make any oogly-faces. But the truth is, looking at this man-boy is hurting my eyes. Like really. Ooh, he has the kinda face only a mother could love. 'Cause, baaaaaby . . . not Miss Fiona!

“You have some beautiful eyes, too” he adds, holding my gaze. “I bet you hear that all the time.”

For the love of God! And you need a breath mint. And major dental work. Ooh, his teeth look like big chicken nuggets.
Looks like he's been chewing on rocks. But who am I to judge? I'm not messy like that.

I giggle. “Yeah. Sometimes.”
Jeezus, get Sharkie away from me. Please 'n' thank you!
I smile. “Sooo, what, you wanna follow me on Instagram now?”

He laughs. “Nah, nah. But if you got Facebook, let me get ya info. So we can stay in touch. Maybe we can link up. You know, catch a bite to eat, or hit up a movie.”

“I'm sayin' . . . how old are you?”

I blink.
Oh—my—god, why his lips look all cracked 'n' ashy? Them soup coolers too dang big to be lookin' all crazy!

“Too young for you,” I say, tilting my head. Heck. I'm grown. Real grown. But not
that
grown, tryna mess with some guy over nineteen wit' ashy lips 'n' a tore-up grill. No, hun. Save that ish for them ratchet chicks.

“Nah, nah. As long as you like sixteen, seventeen, we good. I like 'em young.” He licks his over-stretched lips. “The younger the better. And you just right.”

Eww. What a creep!

He licks his lips again. “So where you from?”

“Um, where
you
from?” I ask, igging the question.

“Bayonne.”

Click-clack, click-clack.
“Oh, okay.” I glance around the bowling alley.
Where the heck is Miesha?

I fish through my bag 'n' pull out my cell, sending her a text.
H
OOKER
! WTH?
WHERE R U
?

“So who you here wit'?”

My phone buzzes. I pretend I don't hear him talking to me.

“Ya man?”

It's Miesha. I open her text message:
O
MW N NOW

I frown. “No, boo. I don't have one of those.”

He grins. “Oh, a'ight. Ya girl?”

“Sorry, boo-boo. I don't swing that way, either.” Well, umm, I do. I mean I have, but that's none of his business. Ole nasty freak. “So, annnyway . . . who
you
here with?”

He glances over my shoulder, then looks back at me. “My BM.”

Ooh, this ninja's real sloppy 'n' disrespectful! He's out here with his baby mother, all up in my face, tryna get his ole nasty stick wet. Triflin'-azz! No-good dog! I let him have it real nice, then kindly tell him to step outta my face. Ain't no way I wanna be arguing with some booga-chick over the likes of some swamp creature. Chile, boom! I'm not tryna go to jail for beatin' down some ho with one'a them bowling pins for even thinking I want this rusty-dusty creep.

“It's all good, though. She knows how I get down.”

I frown, then start popping my gum real loud 'n' crazy.
Click-clack, clickety-clack-clack!
“Oh really? And how is that? Not that I'm really interested.”

This ninja has the audacity to part his crusty crumb-lickers 'n' say he has nine kids 'n' five baby mothers. “And you so fine, I might make you baby mother number six.”

Hand on hip, face twisted, neck rolling, I give it to him real good. “Whoop, whoop. Blow the whistle. Who let the clown out? You better go hop back in ya box 'cause this fly chick over here is
not
interested in nothin' you dishin' out. You better go get those teeth together. I don't do raggedy grills, boo. No, sir. Good day.”

“Daayuuumn, it's like that? Yeah, I know my teeth effed up. But I got a big—”

“Talk to the hand, boo-boo. I'm out.” I spin off on him, popping my hips through the crowd, running smack into Miesha, Tone,
aaaand
Cease.

Cease?

“Yo, what's goodie, Fiona?” Tone says, wrapping an arm around Miesha.

“Oh, nothin'. Standing here mad long waitin' on ya girl, lookin' all crazy tryna beat off the predators.”

He laughs.

“Aah, what's good, Fee,” Cease says, grinning.

I toss a hand up at him. Keep it real easy. “Hey.”

“Can I get a hug, yo?”

“Uh, I guess.” I step into his embrace. “I didn't know you were gonna be here.” I shoot a look over at Miesha. She gives me some ole sheepish look. But I give her a dirty look that says
Tramp, I'ma claw ya eyes out
.

This heifer coulda told me Cease was gonna be tagging along.

“S
ooo, who's ready to bowl?” Miesha says, rubbing her hands together.

“Yo, you know I'm ready,” Antonio says.

Cease glances at me. “And you know I
stay
ready. What about you, babe?”

I tilt my head. “Trust. I'm always ready.”

Lies 'n' fabrications. The only thing I'm ready to do is hit the door. But oh well. I'm here. He's here. So I might as well make the best of it. It's really no biggie. But trust. I can't wait to get Miss Miesha together when I get her alone. She thinks she's so dang slick.

“Okay, so it'll be me 'n' Fiona against you 'n' Cease,” Miesha says, dodging my daggers. “Losers pay for our food. Okay?”

“Bet,” Tone says.

“Yo, hol' up, fam,” Cease says, shaking his head. “Who said y'all gonna win?”

Miesha puts a hand up on her hip. Then finger snaps. “Oh, trust, boo-boo. We about to do this.”

Cease laughs, giving Tone dap. “Yo, tell 'em, son. We 'bout to run this.”

“Boy, bye! Me 'n' my girl, we got this. We rock. We rule. We gonna run ya pockets. Ain't that right, Fee?”

I blink. Ooh, why is she poppin' ish? Ummm, does this chick not know I'm the queen of gutter balls? Well, I guess not. But she's gonna learn today.

She must peep the blank look on my face. She raises a brow. “
Bish
, you can bowl, right?”

“Uh-huh, straight down the gutter.”

Miesha's face cracks. “Oh, just frickin' priceless! Let's go get our damn shoes so we can hurry up 'n' lose!”

Cease 'n' Tone crack up laughing, following her over to the counter. I drag along in back of them.

“Oh, it's on now,” Cease teases. “Yo, y'all 'bout to get got.”

“Word is bond,” Tone cosigns. “I hope y'all got ya paper up 'cause you got two hungry ninjas on deck.”

Cease looks over at me 'n' winks.

I roll my eyes, sucking my teeth.
Boy, boom! I'm not even tryna feed ya ole big, thick-necked, biscuit-eating butt.

 

Miesha wags a finger at me. “I see you, girl.”

I feign ignorance. “You see what?”

“Ooh, don't do it, boo. Wipe the drool from ya lips. Tryna act like you ain't checkin' for Cease. Girl, bye. I see you checkin' him on the low-low when he goes up to bowl.” She cracks up laughing. “You ain't slick, boo.”

I roll my eyes 'n' suck my teeth. “Girl, bye. I'm not hardly checkin' for that boy like that.”

“Ooh, lies, lies, 'n' more lies!”

I laugh with her, crossing my legs. Truth is, I have been eyeing him on the low-low. Heck, he's cute. He has a nice body. And okay, okay. He has a really nice butt. Shoot me for looking. I'm a girl. That's what we do. Look. Besides, it's not like there are any other boys worth looking at here tonight. And I'm not even about to sit here 'n' be staring at Antonio Lopez. Although, yes, he is
fiiiine
'n' real eye candy, but that's Miesha's man. And I don't believe in being messy. No, ma'am.

“Okay, busted. But you see all them muscles, girl?”

She shakes her head, laughing. “Nope. I only have eyes for my boo.”

“Girl, bye. You can still look.”

She giggles. “Well, I ain't lookin' hard, trust. But, yeah, I peeped 'em. How can you not? Now tell me you didn't like our double date.”

I cough. “
Double date?
Girlie, this ain't no damn double nothing. All
this
is, is a situation that you created.”

She waves me on. “Girl, bye. Call it what you want. You can thank me in the morning.” She chuckles.

“Girl, please. Middle finger up.”

“Uh-huh. Lies, lies, 'n' more lies! I peeped how the two of you been tossing glances at each other all night. You know he's feelin' you, girl. And it's obvious you feelin' him, too.”

I fold my arms across my chest 'n' toot my lips. “I don't know what you talkin' about, boo.”

She laughs some more.

I see Antonio walking over to us with Miesha's food order. Nooo, we didn't win. But after I was finally able to get the hang of it, me 'n' Miesha spanked 'em silly. Three games later. Ha! Okay, okay, so what if my legs flew out in front of me, twice, 'n' I landed on my butt. Or that I bowled backwards most of the game. Or that my feet are real sweaty in these funky bowling flats, uh, shoes. Or that Miesha 'n' them have done nothing but laugh at me most of the night. Fact is, we still got a win.

Yeah, Antonio 'n' Cease beat us, bad, the first two frames. But they
still
paid for our food. Mmph. What I look like, tryna spend my coins on some boy. Not! They were probably gonna pay anyway. But just in case they weren't. Let it be known, Fiona Madison ain't the one.

“Yo, what y'all over here gigglin' 'bout?” Antonio wants to know, handing Miesha her food.

“Ohhh, nothing,” she says, smirking as she reaches for her food. “Thanks, babe.”

“You know I got you, boo.” He leans in 'n' kisses her.
Ugh! These two are sickening!
“So who y'all laughin' at?”

She shakes her head. “Just girl stuff.” I peep her cutting her eye real quick over at Cease as he walks over, then back over at Tone, signaling to him that we were talking about Cease.

Tone nods. “Ohh, right, right. I got you.” He grins as Cease hands me my food.

“Thanks,” I say.

“No doubt,” he says, taking a seat next to me. All I can do is roll my eyes at Tone 'n' Miesha. They laugh.

“Yo, what's so funny?”

I suck my teeth. “Don't pay them two any mind. You know they all drunk in love.”

“That's right,” Antonio says, smiling. “This here's my heart. Ain't that right, baby?”

“Yup,” Miesha says. Then she leans in 'n' kisses her man on the lips. Awww. Not!Imean. Trust. I'm not hating on my girl 'n' her boo. But, geesh. All that lovey-dovey mess is waaay over-the-top.

Cease, with his clown self, tries to lean over 'n' kiss me 'n' I smack him on the lips with my fork. “Uh-uh, boo-daddy. You better keep them big juicy lips right on over there.”

Antonio 'n' Miesha burst out laughing. And me 'n' Cease join in. Then for the rest of the night the four of us sit 'n' eat 'n' bug out, then bowl another round. This time with Antonio 'n' Miesha as partners. So surprise, surprise. That leaves me with Cease. And a few times his ole slick butt calls himself tryna show me how to hold the ball. Chile, cheese. All this boy wants to do is press up on me. I know what time it is. But I let him get his feel on. All in the name of winning the game.

And guess what?

I get my first strike!

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” I scream excitedly. I'm so caught up in seeing all those pins topple over that I don't even realize that I've jumped into Cease's arms until I come to my senses 'n' realize my feet are dangling in the air.
Ooh, boo-daddy!
“Boy, put me down.”

“You know you wanna be in my arms, girl,” he teases, slowly letting me down. Frankly, I don't see the need for a comeback. I push back from him 'n' I toss my hair, sashaying on over back to my seat. I just got a strike. You can't tell me ish, boo!

By the end of the tenth frame, I end up bowling a ninety-eight. Yippee! Oh, don't do me. Yeah, it's low, but it's better than my last two scores. Fifties. Mmph. So not cute! But thanks to Cease's five strikes 'n' multiple pairs, we beat Miesha 'n' Tone real right. And that's all I care about. Winning, boo!

It's a little after midnight when we finally pack it in. And I'm not even gonna front, boo. It was cute. Bowling. Okay, and the four of us hanging out. Still, Miesha was dead wrong tryna fix me up with Cease on the low like that.

“I'm sayin' though,” Cease says, walking with me to Miesha's car. He 'n' I are kinda strolling a few feet behind Miesha 'n' her boo-daddy. “We should link up tomorrow. I can come scoop you 'n' we can go somewhere 'n' chill.”

I stop in my tracks, raising a brow. “Uh, and why would I wanna do that?”

“Uh, how 'bout 'cause you had a good time. Or maybe 'cause you feelin' me.”

I toss him a dismissive wave, walking off. “Lies! I'm not even about to go anywhere alone with you, boy. Psst. I don't know you like that. You could be some psycho who preys on young cutie-boos.”

“Yeah, a'ight.” He walks alongside of me. “Keep it a hunnid. Tell me you didn't have fun tonight.”

I shrug. “It was okay.”

He reaches for my arm, stopping me. “I wanna take you out. No pressure. Just me 'n' you. Think about it, a'ight?”

I grin, opening the passenger-side door, then sliding in. “Maybe.”

He laughs. “Yeah, a'ight. Front if you want. Ain't no maybe, baby.”

“Boy, boom. Middle finger up. You better try again.”

I shut the door in his face.