Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) (6 page)

“No you don’t. You don’t get it at all.” I whisper to myself, ensuring Traxx cannot hear me.

As I start to head back to my apartment, I try to think about what just happened. I know I have feelings for Traxx, and at times it
seems
he has feelings for me. Does he? Is Traxx Maxwell capable of really caring for someone other than himself? Maybe what I saw was just gratitude. Yes, that’s probably all there is to it. Right now, he’s mad at me, but overall he’s just grateful that someone cares about him – someone other than the guys.

Everything was going so well today. He seemed happy for once. Then I say the wrong thing and poof – it’s all gone to the shitter. Do I have what it takes to help him out? He’s definitely not a case study, but this is new territory for me and I have to tread carefully.

I hear my phone’s text alert go off. I reach to my back pocket and pull it out.

Keagan: Where are you?

Ciara: On my way back

Keagan: Ok. We saw Traxx come back by himself but he wouldn’t talk to us. I got worried.

Ciara: I think I said the wrong thing. He’s pissed at me.

Keagan: Hurry back. We’ll talk.

Ciara: Almost there.

I rush back to my apartment, to find out Notso has already left. Immediately, I walk to my room to change out of these tight jeans and back into my yoga pants. I need to breathe. I also put on a comfy sweatshirt, grab my e-reader and a Diet Coke and set to relax on the couch. Keagan comes out of her room and sits across from me.

“I’m ready. What happened?”

I better skip all the more ‘gushy’ details and go straight to the point. “I’m not sure. I said something about me being the only one who can help him and he accused me of treating him like a research project… It wasn’t pretty. I know that his emotional state is all over the place, but I don’t see him as a science project. I see him as someone who needs help to alleviate the stress and sadness he’s going through. Based on the research that I’ve done, it is obvious that he will go through mood swings, irritability and bursts of anger, but it’s still hard to be at the receiving end of those.”

“Wow, I bet that was difficult.”

“Yes, he’s going through every day from dark to light and on repeat. I bet he’s at home drinking to drown everything. That’s his way to deal.”

“I can text Notso and find out.”

Keagan’s red hair is in a messy bun, and not covering one of her blue eyes, like she normally styles it. It’s almost weird to see her like this because she always has her hair down. “No, don’t worry about it. He is safe at home and he needs to be able to drown out his feelings somehow. As of yet, I have not figured out a way that he can release his frustrations, so I don’t have any suggestions for him other than ask him to go to the gym, and I’m still so full of pizza, if I exercise it’s not going to be pretty.”

Keagan giggles. “Okay, let’s just have some quiet time and read, then.”

“Yeah. Let’s.” Even though I want to get lost in the pages that I’m reading, my mind is only getting lost on my thoughts of Traxx, what he means to me, what he’s possibly going through inside his head and how in the world I’m going to help him. Me. Am I over my head? Yes. I know it and my friends know it, too. Maybe if I can get him to progress one little bit, maybe he will agree to see a specialist. Living in denial won’t help him either, but as long as he keeps moving forward, it’s a lot better than moving backwards. So, I will continue to try and build new memories that hopefully will push the bad ones aside.

As I’m walking up the steps towards the lobby, I see Notso and my cousin on the balcony, laughing carelessly and it only pisses me off even more. They try to get my attention as I’m climbing the stairs, but I just ignore them. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone right now.

I unlock the door to my place, and walk straight to the bar, grabbing the bottle of Jack Daniel’s as I come around the corner. I don’t even bother with a glass, hell no. I wrestle for a second with the cap, which gives me pause. Am I sure I really want to do this? I need something to quiet down the screams inside my head and the pain inside my chest… I take a huge gulp and the heat rolls down my throat slowly… burning…

Then the guilt comes and it’s overwhelming. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. Instead I look at the bottle in my hand and before I can take another drink, it flies out of my hand across the room and against the wall. I’m on edge, on fire, in pain… A scream comes out of my mouth just as the tears start rolling down my cheeks. It’s too much, I don’t want to feel anything anymore…

The door opens and I see Notso coming towards me.

“Traxx, what’s going on? What are you doing on the floor?”

I’m on my knees, looking down. I wipe my eyes before I look at him. I try to speak, but can’t. Nothing’s coming out. I’m overwhelmed by something greater that I can even understand. Am I going crazy? My heart is beating too fast, I don’t think it’s normal. Just then, a ringing inside my ears starts and slowly it’s getting louder. Too much, this is a lot more than I can take. I can’t breathe. I CAN’T BREATHE! My body is checking out and I’m falling back towards the darkness. Falling back where I belong. I see Marcy’s image prompting me to follow her. She says it’s good in the dark. She says the pain will go away. So I go.

“Traxx! Oh my god! Fuck!”

The last thing I see is Notso getting out his phone and calling for help.

I hear my phone ringing as I get comfy on the couch with my book. It’s Notso.

“What’s up?”

“Something is really wrong with Traxx, he’s not responsive and it looks like he can’t breathe!”

“Crap! It’s probably a panic attack! I’m on my way… Try to calm him down and regulate his breathing…” I look towards Keagan, who’s wondering what’s going on. “Come on Keagan, its Traxx!” She jumps to her feet and is following me closely. We’re running to their apartment upstairs, taking two steps at a time. I open the door and find Notso kneeling beside Traxx, who has been able to regulate his breathing a little. I kneel in front of Traxx and notice his pupils are still a bit larger than normal. His skin is cold and clammy. Not good.

“Hey, loverboy, let’s get you better. Why are you trying to scare the crap out of us?” I smile at him. He’s able to focus on me briefly and I can see that he’s scared. “Everything’s going to be ok. You need to concentrate on your breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth.” His panicked gaze lifts to meet my eyes. I smile at him to give him confidence even though I’m shaking on the inside. My hand moves over to his arm, and I rub him gently, soothing him with my softly spoken words.

“Imitate my breathing. Slowly. Yes, that’s it. Can you feel your heart slowing down?” He gently nods at me. Keagan is right behind me, asking if he will be okay. I turn to look at her and nod. “I think so…” I look back at Traxx, “can you talk to us?”  I get another nod. After a few minutes, he seems almost normal. “You look better, what happened?”

“I’m not sure. I’d rather not talk about it.”

We all look at each other, a little dumbfounded.

“Traxx… You have to open up. How are we going to help you if you keep us away from what’s happening to you?”

“I don’t need help.”

“I beg to differ.” I give him a hard look.

“What do you know about what I’m going through?” He’s becoming agitated again. I decide not to push the issue.

“Look, I didn’t mean to upset you. We’re worried, that’s all. How about you go rest for a little while.”

“Traxx, you don’t need to be so rude. We are your friends and family. You’ve gotta know that we only want the best for you.” Notso chimes in.

“Perhaps I need to give Uncle Logan a call… Maybe you should go visit them for a little while, get away from here for a few days…” Keagan is trying to reason with him.

“No. That won’t be happening. I don’t need my parents hovering over me. I just want to be left alone.” Shakily, he gets up off the floor, walks to the counter, grabs his keys and leaves the apartment. We stay in the middle of the living room, sadly looking at each other and feeling uncertain of what to do next.

As I’m driving aimless through the streets, I’m trying to make sense of what’s happening to me. Although I’m not the person who pulled the trigger and killed Marcy, I do feel somewhat responsible. The guilt is on one side pulling at me. On the other side, I have these crazy visions reliving those horrible last moments of her life over and over again. She did say that I was going to pay the price and she was right. I’m living in my own private hell day in and day out.

Sitting at a red light, I’m waiting for it to change from red to green, when I hear a sound that completely transports me to a different place and time.

Bang!

I’m back in my old living room, looking at Marcy pacing back and forth, not knowing what to do. She lifts her gun and points it at my face, and just as she is getting ready to pull the trigger a horn brings me back to the present. I shudder and make myself move my foot from the brake to the gas pedal. As my truck advances on the road, I’m trying really hard to leave all the bad memories behind. I know deep in my heart I will fail miserably. Life is never that easy.

After driving for who knows how long, I find myself in front of Colton’s place.  His truck is here and Brianna’s car is not. Perfect. I take a deep breath, jump down from my truck and go up to the door when I hear some noise coming out. I’m not sure if it’s the TV or the Xbox. It doesn’t matter. I ring the doorbell and follow with a loud knock on the door. I see his shadow through the hammered glass getting closer as he approaches to open the door.

“Hey, man, took you long enough. Notso called.” Colton says as he opens the door wide enough for me to come in.

“I drove around for a while, trying to clear my head.”

“And? Did it work?”

“Not sure.” He goes to the kitchen and comes back with a couple of cold beers, handing me one. I take a long swig. I realize how thirsty I am as I feel the coolness going down my parched throat.

“You better start talking, unless you want Brianna to get on your case. She’s on her way home, and you know how persuasive she can be.” Colton raises his eyebrows at me as his voice lowers as if she was already in the house listening to our conversation.

“Fuck.” If you see Brianna, you would not think she was an expert fighter who excels at personal defense maneuvers. The girl’s beautiful and made of solid muscle, without looking like a giant bag of steroids. She has been training all of us in their basement, which was converted to a gym, and she always wins. Her beauty will distract you while her hand and feet will get you. The girl packs a mean-ass punch.

“Get on with it. Or deal with her.” Colton laughs softly because he knows firsthand I have no prayer when it comes to Brianna. She will beat it out of me. Thinking of my best friend’s feisty girlfriend who has a heart of gold, does makes me smile. A couple of years back I could have lost both of them, when someone from her past came after her. It was completely unavoidable. Colton, Ciara and Brianna confronted the guy and his men, thankfully coming out on the winning side.

“Fine.” I tell him everything. The anger, panic attacks… the visions. I’m positive he can hear the fear that’s rolling around my voice. As I speak these truths to Colton, I realize it makes me feel a little better.

“Do you think I’m going crazy?” I ask him while looking at him eye to eye.

“No. I think there are a lot of things you need to work out. And you already know I think you should get professional help.”

“Well, you also know I’m a stubborn fuck who doesn’t listen very well. I don’t want to go to a doctor. I think I can work it out myself.”

“Ciara thinks you are dealing with some kind of PTSD.” He says pointedly.

I take a deep breath. “Probably so, but it’s not going to make me change my mind.”

“I want to understand why.”

“The truth?” Colton nods. “I’m scared that a doctor will commit me to some kind of institution.”

“Come on! Traxx, that’s fucking ridiculous! The only way you would be committed is if you show that you’re going to harm yourself or others. Be sensible, would ya’?”

“It is what it is. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Can we play a game until Brianna gets home?” He looks at me incredulously, but grabs one of the wireless remotes and hands it to me.

“Fine. I’ll drop it for now, but I better start seeing some kind of progress or else we will be the ones taking you to the hospital. I’ll be damned if we are going to stand by and watch you lose control of reality and your life. Not happening.”

I nod at him and start playing the game. I know he’s right. I have to find a way to work out this guilt and regret I feel inside.