Desperately Seeking Heaven (23 page)

I sank down into the passenger seat, looking forlornly out of the window, unable to find any words that might offer Damon the explanation he deserved.

By the time we drew up in front of my block, the air between us was tight with an awkward silence.

‘Thanks, Damon, for a lovely evening. I mean it.’ My voice sounded unnatural even to me.

His eyes met mine for the briefest of moments but long enough for me to notice the hurt and disappointment within.

I pushed open the car door, almost falling out, and ran up to the front door. Looking round, I waved to Damon but his gaze was fixed firmly ahead. Dejectedly, I shoved open the double doors, feeling like a total bitch, and once inside I heard the car rev up and pull away.

I fumbled with the keys, finally falling through the front door.

‘Hey, you,’ Jimmy called, ‘did you have a good time?’

Relief washed over me. He was still here. Where he should be. I ran through into the living room.

‘You’re still here?’ I said, just to make sure my tired eyes weren’t deceiving me.

‘Yes, Alice, I’m still here. I made you a promise, don’t you remember?’

‘I know, but every time I go out I worry that when I come back you’ll be gone. It’s a horrible feeling, Jimmy, really horrible.’ I bit on my lip to stop the tears from falling.

‘I know.’ He nodded, his face full of kindness and understanding. ‘Come here and give me a hug. You look shattered.’

He wrapped his arms around me and ran his hand through my hair. My body felt so weary I thought I might collapse into his embrace.

‘You need to go to bed. It’s been a tough couple of days. Go on,’ he said kissing me lightly on the lips sending me on my way. ‘Jump straight into bed. I’ll see you in the morning.’

‘Sleep tight, Jimmy.’

‘You too, Alice.’

In the bedroom, I hurriedly stepped out of my dress and threw it on the wicker chair in the corner before flinging myself on the bed where I sobbed myself, very quietly, to sleep.

Chapter Twenty-Five

‘Are you ready for a cuppa?’ Jimmy asked tentatively, his smiling face peering around the bedroom door. I groaned and pulled the duvet further up over my head.

The sun was being annoyingly chirpy for such an early hour, filtering through the cream linen curtains insisting that it was time to wake up, but the only thing I was interested in was the deepest darkest recesses of my bed. I tried lifting my head to meet the day, but it only throbbed in protest.

‘Let me draw the curtains, let a bit of daylight in. It’s a beautiful morning out there.’

I was sure it was, but I didn’t want any part of it. Maybe if I just snuggled under the covers and slept for a very long time, everything would be OK by the time I woke up.

‘There you go,’ said Jimmy, placing the mug on the bedside table. Such a simple thing, but it always brightened my day. It was a habit he’d got into from the very first day he’d turned up in my flat, bringing me my early-morning mug of tea, one I was quite happy for him to continue with for as long as he intended hanging around. Who would do that for me once he was gone, I thought with a pang. Now though, he leant over me, those deep soulful grey eyes examining me intently.

‘Good grief,’ he said, running a finger down my cheek, ‘you look dreadful. You haven’t got food poisoning, have you?’

‘Uggh.’ I sank further back into my pillows. ‘No I haven’t got food poisoning. Thank you for your concern.’

‘Uh-oh. Have you been crying then? Oh my God, you have, haven’t you? What happened? Not that bastard, Damon! I thought he was too good to be true. Jesus.’ He shook his head, his lips held tight together in anger. ‘I knew I should have kept an eye on you.’

I put my hand up to my head, to shield the light, trying to stop the sharp needle jabbing at my forehead. ‘No, no, it was nothing like that. It was a lovely evening, but it just felt so awkward, so difficult. I couldn’t enjoy myself thinking of you being stuck here alone and I didn’t pay any attention to Damon. He must have thought me really rude.’

Jimmy positioned himself next to me on the bed, plumping up the cushions, before leaning back on the headboard. He handed me a box of tissues and I pulled one out blowing my nose noisily. I could cry at the drop of a hat these days.

‘I’m cramping your style, aren’t I? You shouldn’t have to worry about me when you’re out trying to enjoy yourself. It’s not fair. Far too much to expect of you.’

‘That’s exactly it,’ I said, throwing a pillow randomly across the room. ‘I can never get away from you and this awful situation we’ve found ourselves in.’

His forlorn expression bore down on me.

‘Not that I want to get away from you, I just wish things could be different. That this could all be for real. That I could come out to the world about you. Even when we’re not together, you’re always there in the background, your sexy ghostly presence driving me crazy the whole time.’

‘My sexy ghostly presence? Hey I like that. I like that a lot.’

I gave him a disdainful look. Despite his annoying habits, Jimmy was the most wonderful person I’d ever met and regardless of what he said, I knew my life would never be the same again once he’d left. No one would even come close to matching his gorgeous good looks and his funny magnetic personality. Even George Clooney couldn’t hold a candle to him. Not that George Clooney was knocking on my door, but even so. I knew I’d been spoilt for ever more.

‘You know what I mean. All night long I was thinking “wouldn’t it be nice if Jimmy was here,” “wait till I tell Jimmy this,” “I wish Jimmy could try this.” I wanted to share it all with you, for you to be part of it.’

‘I know how hard it’s been for you, Alice. You’ve dealt with this all so well. I’m sure most people in your situation wouldn’t have kept it together for so long. It’s only to be expected that things have finally got on top of you.’ He pulled me to his side and we sat there in silence for a few minutes, both sipping on our tea. ‘But to be honest, I’m not going to be around her for much longer. Things will get easier for you, I promise.’

‘Oh God,’ I said, grabbing his arm, feeling a sudden stab of fear. How could he say that? Things would be so much more difficult without Jimmy at my side. I felt a rush of heat travel up my chest, panic stirring my whole body. ‘Have you heard then? When are you going, do you know? Have you got your leaving date yet?’

He laughed.

‘Whoa, whoa, slow down. I don’t think it quite happens like that. No, it’s just a feeling I have, Alice, but I think the time must be pretty near. There’s nothing left for me to do here. I found you, Alice, and that’s what this has all been about.’

‘Great. And now you’ve found me and completely turned my world upside down you’re going to drop me from a great height and leave me stranded, all alone in the world again.’

Jimmy winced. ‘Don’t be like that. Would you have preferred it if we’d never met?’

‘No, of course not,’ I said, feeling chastised. ‘But how will I ever manage without you?’ I folded my arms crossly, feeling like a petulant schoolgirl. ‘This flat is going to be so empty and quiet without you. And how will I ever go on and have a proper relationship? With a proper man? Life will never be the same again.’

‘It will. I promise you. Although that might mean a relationship with an improper man, like me. But hey, that won’t be too bad, will it?’ He fell silent, his gaze fixed on the daisy pattern on the duvet. ‘What we’ve had, what we mean to each other, that doesn’t change. It’s for all eternity, darling.’ I turned away, not wanting the tears to start again. ‘You’ll always be the one and only for me, Alice. But you have the whole of the rest of your life to live through and, for my sake, you need to make the most of it. After all, you’ll always have the memories of our time together.’ His eyes gazed at me imploringly. ‘You can’t spend the rest of your life mourning for the future we might have had. You need to live your life in the here and now and to the full.’ He took hold of my hand, kissing my fingertips. ‘I don’t want to leave you worrying about how you’ll manage. You owe it to yourself and to me to live the happiest, most fulfilling life you can.’

I wasn’t sure that was possible without him at my side, but I didn’t want to let him down. I had to be strong.

‘Of course I’ll be fine,’ I said, sounding more in control than I felt. ‘I’m just being selfish. I’ve got so used to you being around. Looking after me. I can’t imagine life without you now. But I’ll get used to the idea. I mean, I coped well enough before you arrived, didn’t I?’

I thought back to last night, the time I’d spent with Damon. People lived normal happy lives all over the place. Surely I could do the same.

‘Maybe I should think about getting a cat when you’re gone,’ I said randomly.

Jimmy dropped his head to one side and gave me a quizzical look.

‘Great. You’re going to replace me with a cat?’

I laughed at his crestfallen expression.

‘Well, it’s a start, isn’t it?’

‘That’s not really what I had in mind when I said you needed to live your life to the full. You need to get out there. Meet a few people. Make some new friends. Who knows, you might even find someone special out there. Someone to spend the rest of your life with.’

How could he possibly say that?

‘Well, obviously not The One because I’m The One, but there could be The Other One out there.’ A mischievous smile hovered around his lips. ‘Or the Next Best One. People have this misguided idea that there’s only one person out there for each of us, but it’s simply not true.’

‘Do you think?’

‘Oh, I know, darling. Trust me. I’m not of this world. I have special insight and powers.’ His hands roamed beneath the duvet and found my hipbones, his fingers tickling my tummy making me writhe from side to side.

‘Would you stop it,’ I squealed.

I was laughing but it felt like my insides were dying. I knew with an absolute certainty that I would never meet anyone to take Jimmy’s place. I was destined for a life spent mourning for a man I’d never even had a proper relationship with.

‘Will you promise me one thing?’ I asked, suddenly serious.

‘What?’

‘That when it’s time for you to go, you’ll come and say goodbye properly. You won’t just leave without telling me, will you? It’s the one thing I dread.’

‘Of course, I won’t. I’ve already told you that. How could you think such a thing? I wasn’t planning on having a leaving party with balloons and streamers, but there’s no way I’d walk off into the distance without saying a very special goodbye to my favourite girl.’

A lump appeared in my throat and I shrugged, smiling ruefully.

‘Thanks, Jimmy, that’s such a relief to know.’

‘I have something to ask you too,’ he said.

‘What is it?’

‘Now can I kiss you?’ he said impatiently.

‘Oh yes please,’ I sighed, falling into his arms.

We were living on borrowed time, I knew that. At any moment the lightning flash would strike between us sending Jimmy on to his rightful place and leaving me alone in my own little world. I didn’t want to think about it. For the time being I just wanted to spend every available moment alone with him. I stepped out of the shower and was splashing my face with cold water from the sink in an attempt to get rid of the Miss Piggy look, while Jimmy brewed up some coffee in the kitchen, when the telephone rang.

‘Hello, Alice, it’s Donna here. I hope you don’t mind me calling you on the weekend.’

‘Oh hi, Donna.’ I said her name very loudly in Jimmy’s direction, hoping that he hadn’t been up to any of his old antics. ‘No, that’s absolutely fine. How are you?’

‘Oh much better now than when I last saw you. I think I’ve finally hit the blooming stage, thank goodness. I’m feeling great, really happy.’

‘That’s good to hear.’ Donna’s infectious enthusiasm sang down the line.

‘I was just ringing to thank you,’ she hesitated, ‘for sorting my, um, little problem. I don’t know what it was you did, but when I got home from seeing you that day, I knew instantly that the problem had gone.’

I couldn’t help the smile from spreading across my face as I looked across the room at the ‘problem’ who was currently peering into my bread bin.

‘Really? That’s brilliant to know. I’m sure you won’t have any further problems in that direction,’ I said, raising my eyebrows at Jimmy.

‘It’s such a relief, I can’t tell you. And I’ve learnt my lesson. I’ll definitely not go round spreading nasty rumours about dead people again. Out of interest, I’d love to know, what did you do exactly to get rid of the evil spirits?’

Evil spirits? More like a mischievous, interfering and frankly too sexy for his own good spirit!

‘Well,’ I coughed, clearing my throat. ‘I’m not supposed to divulge my secrets because then I might lose my powers, but…’ I ran my hand through the bowl of pot pourri on the table. ‘I used a combination of special ingredients; rose petals, pine cones and, um, crystals,’ I said, with what I thought was a flash of inspiration. ‘Then I chanted a special spirit exorcising mantra…’

‘Have you no shame!’ Jimmy was shaking his head in disbelief.

‘… and that usually that does the trick,’ I went on in my best Mystic Meg voice.

‘Wow, that’s amazing. You’re amazing, Alice. You should be on TV with your own show. Everyone’s fascinated by all that stuff.’

‘Hmmm, that’s an idea,’ I said, stifling a giggle.

‘I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.’

‘Oh it’s a pleasure, Donna. I’m just pleased that everything’s worked out well for you.’

‘Yes, it has,’ she said, sighing happily. ‘Just so as you know, the article about our engagement, the baby, the whole story is going to be in next week’s magazine so make sure you pick up a copy, won’t you?’

‘I will. I’ll look forward to seeing it.’ And for Rosemary and Michael’s sake, I was relieved that they would soon have some closure on the whole sorry saga too.

Chapter Twenty-Six

‘You’ll have to get a bit more organised on the domestic goddess front once I go, Alice, you do know that. There is absolutely nothing to eat or drink in this flat bar a mouldy wedge of cheese and a bottle of champagne.’