Descending Surfacing (8 page)

In the morning, I realised I was running out of food.

‘
We have to go shopping.’

‘
Do I have to come?’

‘
It’d be nice if you could help me.’ I didn’t want to leave him alone in the flat to mess it up again. And I was so tired of doing everything on my own.

‘
You can buy what you like,’ I tempted him.

‘
Okay. Nuffin’ to do here anyway.’

We drove miles away, out of the city, to a small town I hadn’t even been to before.

The supermarket was familiar as it was my usual brand. We sauntered round, Jamie pushing the trolley idly, picking up the odd thing to look at or throw in the trolley.

As we strolled down the tinned fruit aisle, I had the idea of making an apple crumble. I had cooked a proper meal for Jamie every evening as I thought he needed feeding up. He had repaid me by washing up. He had also mended the toaster which hadn’t been working for months.

‘
That’s what we have at home.’ He pointed to the supermarket’s own ‘bargain brand’ of tinned apples, recognisable by the basic blue and white packaging. I was just about to pick the tins up, when a nearby old lady tapped me on the arm.

‘
Sorry to interrupt, my dear. Could I ask your son to reach a tin of those prunes for me? They are so high up.’

I wondered who she was referring to and then it struck me.

‘
Oh- er- oh- yes. Jamie, could you get those prunes for this lady?’

‘
Okay.’ He reached up and easily picked a tin from the top shelf. He must have grown lately. I was sure he used to be shorter.

‘
Thank you so much, young man. I eat a lot of prunes these days. They keep me regular, you know,’ she said conversationally to me.

Jamie laughed, but turned it into a cough, and walked away to hide it.

‘
What a nice boy. I always wanted a son,’ said the old lady. ‘I only had three daughters. They’re all Daddy’s girls. Anyway, don’t let me keep you. Thank you, dear.’

I found I was blushing and followed Jamie.

‘
That woman! She thought you were my son!’ I spluttered when I reached him.

‘
Oh- oh- did she?’ Jamie pretended not to know what I meant. ‘You’re nuffin’ like my mum.’ He looked uneasy.

‘
I hope not.
Why would she think that? We don’t look alike at all,’ I babbled. ‘We need bread now, come on.’ I set off, and Jamie trailed after me. I was far too young to be his mum. It was an uncomfortable thought, though.

Monday 30th January

After a pleasant lazy Sunday, it was down to earth with a bump. Double Literacy with Olivia, a teacher I wasn’t on the same wavelength as. I don’t think she was on the same wavelength as anyone, to be honest. She kept making personal remar
ks to the boys which I thought was very rude and undermining because, despite their bravado, they had low self-esteem.

But I couldn't say anything to her about her comments, and I couldn't really tell the boys to ignore her. If Olivia observed that one had greasy hair, he would inevitably ask me if she was right. Olivia had peculiarly good hearing, so how should I answer? 'No, Olivia was being rude' or 'Yes, it is a bit greasy'. Whatever I said would offend someone.

If you're a learning support assistant, you're stuck in the middle. You can't side with the students because you are a staff member. Your conscience won't let you side with the teachers if you feel they are being unfair to the students. So what do you do?

F
ortunately the lesson was with Group F so I had a brief respite from Jamie’s group. I wondered how Shane and Kyle would react to me after the events of Friday night.

I sat quietly in the corner and watched the students shuffle in, dragging their feet sulkily. Shane looked completely different: messy hair, untidy clothes, really hiding his beauty, which was understandable in the rough environment of construction He didn’t want to be picked on. I looked at him but he blanked me, so I understood that was the way it was to be. I didn’t bother looking at Kyle.

‘
Hiya. Today we’re doing verbs and nouns,’ said Olivia. She had written various words on the board linked to the course they were doing: plasterer; carpentry; sawing; tiling etc.

I circulated round the room helping them with spelling.

It was interesting watching Kyle and Shane, although I tried not to be too obvious about it. Kyle hung round with the hard kids who smoked outside every break, whereas Shane was more conscientious and liked finishing his work. He would still hit anyone who crossed him, though. I couldn’t imagine how they had ever found each other, because they didn’t even seem to communicate during lessons.

‘
Try and imagine describing yourself with these words. If the prefix ‘to’ is in front, it's a verb,’ trilled Olivia.

I caught Shane’s eye suddenly and he gave a hint of a smile.

‘
You look very tired today, Kyle,’ observed Olivia. ‘Too many late nights?’ 

Kyle glared at her.

‘
Your girlfriend is very lucky to have so many nights out.’

I cringed. Whatever would she say next? Kyle muttered something and turned away to his friends. But Olivia couldn’t leave it. She sashayed over and looked at his work.

‘
Hm. Perhaps you need some help here. And you Connor. Could you, Emily?’

I went over to them as unobtrusively as I could.

‘
We’re alright here. W
e don’t need you,’ said Kyle.

‘
She’s not even a proper teacher, what does she know?’ sniggered Connor, referring to me.

‘
Okay, if you don’t need me.’ I prepared to leave, unaffected, but Olivia glared at me. So I was forced to sit down two spaces away from Kyle and next to Darren.

‘
I don’t want you here either. Move,’ said Darren. All the boys giggled and I looked to Olivia for support, but she was busy with other students.

So I got up and walked over to the window.

‘
Ugh, don’t stand there Miss,’ said Ben. ‘I don’t like people standing behind me.’

‘
I’ve got to stand somewhere. I haven’t learnt how to fly yet,’ I retorted.

The nearby boys sniggered, but not kindly. So I gave up. If none of them wanted my help, I’d be the robot everyone expected me to be. We were supposed to interact, engage with them, but I couldn’t if they didn’t want to.

That’s another problem with being a learning support assistant: you don’t have power of a teacher, so students can take out frustrations on you which they wouldn’t dare do on a teacher.

The lesson passed like this. No one wanted my help. At the club, had Shane been about to tell me that it was common knowledge about me and Jamie? Was that why all the boys were rejecting me? I felt a shiver of something uncomfortable twisting inside me. The next lesson, IT, was with Jamie’s group. That would tell me what I needed to know.

I felt butterflies in my stomach at the beginning of the lesson. Thank God it was Roger teaching. He wouldn’t stand for the group pushing me around like Olivia did.

Group E slunk in, looking resigned. I remembered back to when students came in to lessons enthusiastically. Long ago, in a job far away.

‘
Good morning boys,’ said Roger breezily. ‘Please get your folders out and carry on with the exercise from last week.’

The boys were quiet, but I was still shaken by the last lesson. I waited for someone to ask me for help and, fortunately, Jamie did so.

‘
Miss.’ He raised his hand like a schoolboy. Which of course he had been not long ago, I reminded myself guiltily.

‘
Alright?’ he said under his breath as I sat down. I could have hugged him, but that would have to wait ‘til we got home.

‘
So-
so,’ I replied instead.

The level of talking rose in the room while Roger frowned at his paperwork, obviously annoyed with it.

Suddenly he looked up and snapped:

‘
Too noisy!’

Unfortunately it was one of those situations where loud noise suddenly stops and someone is left saying something embarrassing.

‘
Ugh, that’s sick. Shagging a thirty year old bird.’

Jamie and I froze.

‘
Ahem,’ coughed Roger pointedly. ‘Keep those sorts of discussions to yourself, please.’

I saw it was Brad and Louis who had been speaking.

Jamie and I exchanged glances.

‘
Don’t worry about it,’ he muttered. ‘Help me with this.’

My mind wandered. Who the hell were Brad and Louis talking about? Was it me and Jamie?

‘
Who you on about?’ Dwayne butted in, addressing them.

‘
Tyler. In Group D. Some married bird he’s shagging. What a slapper.’

I tried not to breathe out too obviously, but Jamie gave no indication he’d heard the sentence. It occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t his first older woman. I didn’t know how I felt about that. Maybe they were all at it with older women, it couldn’t be unheard of.

‘
My dad said when he was a milkman, there were loads of bored housewives gagging for it,’ said Dwayne, as if to prove my point.

Louis and Brad were shocked.

After the lesson, Jamie avoided me. I don’t think I was being paranoid. He raced off as soon as Roger dismissed the students, and I went to have my lunch. It was all looking worse and worse. What an idiot I was. But then the devil on my shoulder popped up again. At least you’ve had a lot of sex lately, it said. More than you’ve had in the past year. There was tumbleweed blowing ‘down there’ before Jamie came along.

I breathed a sigh of relief for carpentry. I could more or less do my own thing.  Vernon rarely spoke to me, I assumed because I wasn’t twenty and blonde. Because he was like that: a married man in his forties with an eye for the young girls. Anyway, we had nothing in common, and the boys always just got on with their work, they didn’t need me. Phew!

I was early for the lesson and went into the workshop to wait. The door was unlocked so I went to Vernon’s office to look for him and ‘check in’. At least he was polite and businesslike with me, if not friendly. I switched off, trying to empty my mind of worry. Where had Jamie gone? Was he at this moment being beaten up or something?

The door banged open and I looked up expecting Vernon. Unfortunately it was Aaron. He strode straight up to me and I moved back in shock. He pushed me into the locker area and up against a locker. Before I could speak, he pushed his mouth up against my ear.

‘
I know you’re fucking Jamie,’ he hissed. ‘I want some.’ He pressed himself right up against me and I was trapped between his smelly coarse body and the locker.

‘
I- I- I’m not- I-‘

‘
You are! If you fuck me too, I won’t tell your boss.’ He had it all worked out. ‘You skank.’

I could feel he was getting aroused by my fear. What was he going to do? Rape me? I was just about to panic, when Vernon’s voice shouted:

‘
Oi! What’s going on here?’

Aaron pushed me away with a sneer. Vernon took in the situation but didn’t say anything.

‘
Get your tools ready,’ he ordered. ‘We’re finishing the shelf today and moving on to the picnic table.’

Aaron shuffled off mutinously.

I was in shock. I don’t think I could have spoken if I’d tried. So it was true - everyone knew.

‘
Emily?’ Vernon beckoned me into his office. I smiled nervously.

‘
Listen, love,’ he began. ‘Keep out of trouble with the boys. Don’t let them talk you into anything.’

Was he trying to give me fatherly advice?

‘
I know boys like that, I used to be one. They’re only after one thing…’ he continued, but I switched off. Supposing Aaron was waiting for me after college? I went home alone these days and Jamie made his own way. No one would protect me. I shivered.

*  *  *

I made it to my car safely and locked myself in, half expecting Aaron to rise up from the back seat like a vampire. The carpentry lesson had passed so slowly that I never thought it would end. Aaron had kept staring at me, like a cat stalking its prey, while Jamie had been oblivious. I shivered again and turned the car heating up.

Suddenly I saw Kyle walking along the pavement with his mates. They were mucking around, pushing each other, talking loudly. Should I stop and ask him if everyone knows about me and Jamie? How would that look, me accosting some boys in the street? I hesitated, but decided against it. If Kyle had been on his own, maybe, but not with his friends.

When I got home, Jamie was at the door, stamping up and down to keep warm.